Happy Holly Days...

**********************************

"Feliz Navimum
and Dad" - and everyone else
in the family, too...

**********************************










You can't beat The Gambia ("mind you, you're not allowed to beat anyone or anything these days," he added).
This is Kunta Kinteh country. Ah, yes, slaves - now they could be beaten...
Whilst times may have changed, poverty remains pretty much the same. Just minus the chains, fast-food or otherwise.
All of which preamble means it'll be a Black Christmas (as opposed to, um, a white one, I guess) for yours truly (I speak not of the soul).

May your Christmas, too, be filled with with whatever it is you would wish it to be filled with.

"I'll see you ere the year is out...
Of that,I think, there's little doubt".

written in haste (it's what they use here instead of ink)

Kim Jong-il [sic]

*****************************************

Kim Jong-ded [told you he was sic]

*****************************************
















(that's it with the [sic] Kim Jong jokes)

well, there's always Ruby...

****************************************

if diamonds are a
girl's best friend, do girls who have
opals have no pals?...

****************************************










NEWS FLASH

Kim Jong-il...Kim Jong very-il...Kim Jong-dead.












("She's My Rock. Good As": '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

gift ideas well worth sleeping on...

************************************

the mattress: a gift
that keeps on giving - and then
bouncing straight back up...

************************************


















(17 Syllables)

it is half hot, mum - almost exactly...

***************************

tropics baking? - would
semi-tropical jaunts be
the half-baked option?

***************************

















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

rocking an MP's boat...

*******************************

will the predicted
rise in sea-levels mean far
more floating voters?...

*******************************











(Dear reader - posts will be somewhat intermittent for the next few weeks due to circumstances well within my control. Passport and mosquito repellent are in hand.)













('It's Not Just the Pound that's Sinking': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

just take it as red, brother...

**********************************

I'm a commun1st.
(This means I see myself as
1st. among equals.)

**********************************

















(17 Syllables)

there is no 'us' in b_ _iness...

*****************************

whilst a firm friend is
good company, a firm is
just a company...

*****************************




















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

The Titanic: "we're snookered, Capt'n!"...

********************************

"Quick! Put some chalk on
the tip of the iceberg and
cover the damned hole!"...

********************************











- now try sinking something!...












('Cue For (Swan?)Song': 17 Syllables)

sick humour - veriveri sick humour...

**************************************

"New York, New York, so
good they named it twice." A bit
like beriberi...

**************************************



















('A Tad Fatal': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

losing the thread?...

**********************************

why call into a
nail bar when what you really
want's a screwdriver?...

**********************************










- "a screwdriver? to get hammered? - whatever"...











('Nothing Rhymes With (Vodka and) Orange': 17 Syllables)

17 Syllables...

******************************** 

life's not easy for 

st...stutterers, but haiku's 

a d...d...doddle! 

 ******************************** 

 ('17 S...S...Sillybles plus' re-mix)

a (marital) home truth?...

*********************************

if a woman's place
is in the kitchen, is the
man's place in the wrong?...

*********************************




















('On the Naughty Step': 17 Syllables)

I'm into the tall, dark italic type (-face)...

*********************************

there's only one eye
in profile (though the other's
bold italic, too)

*********************************









- i was more the small, dark italic type that went after h, not girls...










('More Lower-case Than Nutcase': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

 

marriage: behind closed doors...

*************************************

"God! You always have
to have the last word!" - "Sorry."
- "There you go again!"...

*************************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

an arm and a leg: the heart attaxi fare......

*********************************

Black Cabs take me back
to my youth (and at my age
that's damned expensive!)

*********************************











- strange how they always seem to know the way, though...











('The Knowledge': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

bottom marks...

********************************* 

 I don't think the cane 

improved my IQ - but it 

sure made my bum smart... 

 ********************************* 

 ('Ouch': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

42-42-42 - but no straight actress, she...

***********************************

Obesity turns
me off - "waist not, want not," I
moan. The wife's distraught...

***********************************










- 'Abstinence': 10 letters, and not one of them French. Does it make the heart grow fonder? My arse...









(17 Syllables)


******************************

(She once had a figure
To everyone's taste,
But now they just snigger
For it's all gone to waist)

******************************

me, Tarzan - you: 'Dr. No', these days...

**********************************

Jane's one of those sex
objects - the more I want sex,
the more she objects...

**********************************



















(17 Syllables)

no wonder things are, er, a bit tight...

**********************************

"of course my money's
all tied up - why else would it
be called a trussed fund?"...

**********************************













('Mastercard? I don't even have access': 17 Syllables))

Healthy diet bears fruit (even if YOU can't!)

************************************

An apple a day
keeps the doctor away. Cores
and effect, I guess...

************************************




(17 Syllables)

17 SillyBillybles...

***********************

polysyllables
are jollysillybles - if
writing a haiku...

***********************

















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

manners maketh man...

*****************************

no matter how bad
civil wars are, it's good to
know they are civil...

*****************************











as for the current English Rugby Union crisis: it's not so much a farce, more of a '15 - a - Side-Splitting' comedy series - of blunders...







(17 Sillybles)

in that case, I'd better drink it (and in that case, too)

****************************

alcoholism? -
to me, it's a case of gin
(and bear it) - weekly...

****************************










- it sure beats the daze of 'wine and roses'...









(17 Syllables)

from 'Little Chef' to, er, big chef...

*******************************

just how often does
a Michelin chef end up with
with his own spare tyre?...

*******************************












- beware those 'occupational hazard' road signs...










('From Dipsticks to Breadsticks': 17 Syllables)

multiple personality disorder...

****************************

when things get too bad,
all I have to do is give
myself a group hug...

****************************



















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

it's an oxy, moron...

****************************

when it comes to words,
an oxymoron is a
pretty ugly one...

****************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

fusion...

*******************************

if music be the
food of love, then I'd kill for
some rhythm and greens...

*******************************











(make that 'con-fusion')









('17 syllables plus' re-mix)

"'cos I'm a rebel, me"...

*************************

if my dad told me
never to obey him, I'd
do as I was told...

*************************













------------------- Apropos Of Nothing ----------------------

Those demonstrators outside St Paul's Cathedral:
Very annoying. In tents'ly so.
Avoid them. Religiously...

------------------------------------------------------------------------






(17 Syllables)

bow jest...

********************************

'chest so broad and hips
so narrow': it's Robin Hood!
(or 'beau and arrow')

********************************

















('Beau Geste': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Final Score: WW 1 - WW 2 --- away win...

***********************************

the FA Cup's a
great leveller - but can't match
the atomic bomb...

***********************************

















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

3 stars in the bedroom, mind...

**************************************

she's a Michelin
chef, my wife - all her food tastes
tastes like bloody rubber...

**************************************











- forget 'Meals on Wheels,' think 'Wheels on Wheels'...









(17 Syllables)

less Soft Cell, more hard sell...

*********************************

"X Factor 'stars' forge
careers!" (proof that forgery's
a criminal act)

*********************************









- well, an excruciating one, anyway...








(17 Syllables)

bye-bye, political parties - hello, all-night parties!...

**********************************

Berlusconi's gone!
(Time to downsize and buy a
bunga bungalow?)

**********************************

















(17 Syllables)

anyone seen the rushes yet?...

****************************

"a dirty film on
the water, you say? - it'll
likely be frogs' porn"...

****************************










not so much a blue movie - more of a mucky green...











('Frogspawn': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Reg and Regina...

*************************

Charles and Camilla
Are ever so wise -
When renting a villa
They go in disguise...

It's 'Mr and Mrs'
(Or 'Reg and Regina')
- Anonymous kisses
In an old Morris Minor.

*************************

















(47 Syllables. Oops!)

slaves to fast food...

****************************************

McDonalds, Starbucks,
Subway: much of the Free World's
time's still spent in chains...

****************************************



















('Food & Drink Chains': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

putting off - it's so off-putting..

******************************************

"dad, can you tell me
what 'procrastinate' means?" - "sure,
son, first thing next week"...

******************************************










(hey, he probably needs the time to look it up)









(17 Syllables)

pretty sick humour (he's pretty, I'm sick)

*******************************

hospital's cool! (for
once I'm attached to a drip
who's not my husband)

*******************************











OK, so we're both sick - but, in my case, it's temporary...










(17 Syllables)

the last supper...

********************************

the worst thing about
the humous starter was the
post-humous main course...

********************************










- it seems you can have too much of good thing...











('Dying Of Hunger':17 Sillybles)

AC/DC tribute band...

*************************************

we're OCD/C:
when we close a show, we have
to close it six times...

*************************************









- it all started with fridge doors and light switches...









('Obsessive Compulsive Disorder': 17 Syllables)

not to mention his inflated ego...

**************************************

Michelin Man's dress
sense leaves me cold - not at all
my sort of attire...

**************************************










-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
apropos of nothing: there may be many Mr Men, but there's only one Mr Man:

------------------------------- Mr Man United -------------------------------

congratulations, Fergie, on 25 years in the 'Red' hot seat...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------







(17 Syllables)

too much rough, not enough tumble...

************************************

a golf widow is
someone whose husband is all
"fore!" play and no sex ...

************************************















(17 Syllables)

the sound of bow bells...

***********************************

"what does transvestite
karaoke sound like?" - "the
sound of beaux belles, mate"...

***********************************











(what you might call a ringing endorsement, haha)









(17 Syllables)

No-one ever Mrs my Mrs. (I've never Mr)

******************************

My wife's the sort of
woman who lights up any
room. When she leaves it.

******************************

















(17 Syllables)

mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest...

**********************************

The camera never
lies. Beauty does - in the eye
of the beholder...

**********************************









- "me, you say? - gee, shucks"...










('Reflections': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

a hole in one's argument...

***************************

A good golfer needs
to be consistent. And I
am! - But not always...

***************************









- thus speaks a man who has only once managed to play what he now chooses to call his 'normal game'...








("Fore!" Play: 17 Syllables)

the fruits of one's labour...

***************************

BlackBerry, Orange,
Apple: are they 3 of our
modern 5-a-day?

***************************
















(17 Syllables)

down in the mouth - but whose?...

**************************************

when my dentist gets
depressed, the mouth he likes to
look down in is mine...

**************************************


















('Patients Are A Virtue': 17 Syllables)

ever the optimist...

************************************

"The jury's hung!" - "So?"
sighed the defendant, "that still
leaves 'drawn and quartered'"...

************************************










- whatever happened to 'Hope Springs Eternal'? (as opposed to Alice Springs, Australia)









('Putting The Pun into Punishment': 17 Syllables)

hard at work - flaccid at home...

******************************

porn stars: not so much
'office workers' as 'having-
it-office' workers...

******************************















(17 Syllables)

working under Mr Smith - and Mr Jones...

********************************

"jeez," sighed the porn star,
"that really was a hard day
at the orifice"...

********************************















(17 Syllables)

it's not (in)conceivable...

*************************************

if 'billets-doux' are
French letters, could they be the
post of post-coital?...

*************************************


















('First-Class Post-Coital': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

"boy, is she still hot!"...

************************************

Why's my old flame still
smouldering? - I thought I'd put
her out. With the cat...

************************************







taking a short break, dear follower, back on...

Saturday
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday

see you soon...








(17 Syllables)

detective seeks leads...

**********************************

can coppers' mobiles
be charged on circumstantial
evidence alone?...

**********************************










do convicted mobiles end up being cell phones? - just a thought...








(17 Syllables)

ironically, it's when a career takes off...

****************************

you're not really a
fighter pilot until you've
landed your first punch...

****************************










- those flyweights, eh?...









('Making A Fist Of It: 17 Syllables)

and the bistro on the 2nd floor? - that's another storey altogether...

*****************************

you choose! - try out our
first-floor cafe or have a
soup and roll downstairs!...

*****************************

















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

now, where did I leave it?...

**************************************************************

The key to success
is found within (not on) you -
you can't put it down...





















to anyone else, haha...

scent to sleep...

**************************************

Who needs a bed of
roses? - children? Not those who
go to bed on thyme...

**************************************









not all public school pansies were herbaceous boarders - I was a day-boy (St Pauls)...








('Scent Upstairs': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the definitive "knock-knock" haiku...

*******************************************

"Knock-knock" - "Who's there?" - "A
haik" - "A haik who?" - "Hey, how the
heck did you know that?"...

*******************************************
















(17 Rather Sillybles)

hey, it did what it said on the pin...

****************************

that cameo brooch
I bought the wife - it only
lasted a fortnight...

****************************








that's some cameo - seems a thing of beauty isn't always a joy forever...







(17 Syllables)

are your friendships genuine?...

*******************************

I'm not one to forge
relationships - you can get
done for forgery...

*******************************










(mind you, genuine ones are hard to come by)









(17 Syllables)

lifestyle coaches to the stars...

*****************************

the field these guys are
the leaders in "has to be
organic, darling"...

*****************************










- there are 3 types of sod: organic, non-organic - and pretentious...







(17 Syllables)

the truth, the whole truth and...nothing?

*****************************

Sorry, but I know
for a fact there is no God.
He told me Himself...

*****************************
















(17 Syllables)

scene of cirme [sic] - [as in 'forren[sic]'?]

**********************************

they knew the suspect
was dyslexic - they could tell
from his NDA...

**********************************










- and, with apologies...





******* STRICTLY COME DANCING *******

Here's hoping Holly
Valance goes all the way! (with
me, after the show)

*************************************************



(I hear she's a bit prickly, haha. And anyway, wouldn't that be 'Strictly Cum Dancing'?)




(17 Syllables)

seconds out - quids in...

********************************

time is money - in
boxing, though, a couple of
seconds won't cost much...

********************************









- a bit of beer money should do it...








(17 Syllables)

hey, life's too short...

*********************************

absence makes the heart
grow fonder - fonder of those
who are much nearer!...

*********************************










distance no object? - only if you don't object to distance...









(17 Syllables)

and the Oscar goes to...

************************************

pity the actor
who's reduced to sweeping the
board at awards do's...

************************************












- hey, it's better than cleaning up afterwards...








(17 Syllables)

pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake - "but not too hard, mind"...

*********************************************

Kids, you can't beat'em.
Though I think they should change that
particular law...

*********************************************










right now, society's in a hell of a state - a nanny one, I think you'd call it ...









(17 Syllables)

(I think it's natural) justice...

**********************************

"a platinum blonde
judge? you can't ask for fairer
than that," I whispered...

**********************************


















('A Fair Trial': 17 Syllables)

well, it would, wouldn't it...

**********************************

I lost on points last
night shadow-boxing. Mine, it
seems, just shaded it...

**********************************
















(17 Syllables)

as in 'The Merchant of..."?

******************************

a vegan may read
Tennyson - but not Bacon,
Lamb (or venison?)

******************************









- Charles Lamb and Francis Bacon: not so much 'red meat' as 'well-read meat'...








('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

there's no excuse for domestic violence...

***********************************

A true Alpha male
shouldn't ever feel the need
to Beta woman...

***********************************




(17 Syllables)

sex drive...

****************************************

"Humps for half a mile,"
read the sign. Wow! So that's how
far 'all the way' is...

****************************************











(well, she did say "go to town" - it was nearer than I thought)











(17 Syllables)

I wouldn't know - and the Vatican't say...

************************************

Murdering the Pope? -
might that be one step up from
a Cardinal sin?...

************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Brushstrokes...

************************************** 

if a picture paints 

a thousand words, does a small 

one paint a haiku?... 

 ************************************* 

 (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 31, 2022:17 Syllables)

to the nearest and cheapest - with my nearest and dearest...

****************************************

bloody staycations! -
our damned cash now goes further
than we ever do...

****************************************










- at least I get positively exhausted these days ( I may be spent, but my money's not)









(17 Syllables)

wine, women and - well, more wine...

******************************

I can't hold a note
for the life of me. But, boy,
can I hold a glass!...

******************************










- 'song'?...forget it! (I'm not even sure about the 'women' bit, to be honest)









(17 Syllables)

the master baiter...

************************************************

"tell me, within five
years, when Bach was born, boy" - "can't
I tell you now, sir?"...

************************************************

















(17 Syllables)

it's a niche markte [sic] [as a prraot?]...

*****************************

out of print, stock...and
order: Merriam-Webster's
first dyslexicon...

*****************************










(less of an A - Z, more of a Q - F)









(17 Syllables)

innuendon't! - innuendo - innuendon't! - oh, OK, then...

*******************************

we love kissing and
making up: she never goes
down without a fight...

*******************************

















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

a football manager should mind his right back, his left back and his own back...

**************************************

"I'm right behind him,"
avowed the Club Chairman, "how
else can I stab him?"...

**************************************










- When a vote of confidence mean sweet F.A. Appropriate enough, I suppose...








(17 Syllables)

rye humour? - yeah, sort of...

*******************************

are all bounders who
sow their wild oats cereal
philanderers, then?...

*******************************

















(17 Syllables)

"come again?" - and again...and again?...

******************************

safe sex is great, if
you manage to pull it off...
- "um, I think you'll find"...

******************************









(talk about an immaculate misconception)








(17 Syllables)

mimeographs: where are they now?...

Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo...

Wherefore art thou, Roneo?....









My very first "proper job, like" was at the BBC (Circulation Publicity Dept.) and stencil copying/duplicating on the already ancient Roneo machine was one of the many unsought-after responsibilities of yours truly, the up and thrusting (ie: spotty) office junior - now, sadly, as ancient as the Roneo was then. These many years later, if I close my eyes, I can still hear the sound of the old Roneo clanking away. Happy days...

four foot two, eyes of blue...

*****************************************

if a mini-skirt
suits you down to the ground, it's
not a mini-skirt...

*****************************************





(if a mini-skirt suits you down to the ground, then it's far too long)






(17 Syllables)

Captain Morgan...

****************************

no wonder he ran
a tight ship - the bottle it
was in contained rum...

****************************










"t'was as tight as a newt, and really minute"...








('Ship in a Bottle': 17 Syllables)

A Midsummer Night's Dream - the musical...

***********************************

A Frenchman acting 'Bottom'
In London's something rare -
They all now sing his praises:
'The London Derriere'!...

***********************************











('The Londonderry Air': 17 Syllables)

the (ad)vice squad...

************************************

"if it's not on, it's
just not on" - condoms come in
packs, you come in them...

************************************




















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

a patient potato awaits its night out...

*********************************

the potato's in
its jacket, but, dear God, the
salad's still not dressed!...

*********************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

down-to-earth with a "sshhhhhh"...

**********************************

some trees shed leaves - it's
autumnatic - so spring comes
as a great releaf...

**********************************
















('17 Syllables' plus re-mix)

er, that's a change of heart, not body...

*************************************

should Transformers who
commit a crime turn themselves
into the police?...

*************************************

















('Robocops': 17 Syllables)

making a good fist of lovemaking...

***********************************

I like to keep my
hand in when it comes to sex -
bloody tight fit, though...

***********************************











(well, not always bloody)








(17 Syllables)

"what d'you want, blood diamonds?"...

********************************

"of course they're only
cheap earrings - it was only
a bling & buy sale"...

********************************
















(17 Syllables)

tall, dark - and bloody bad-tempered...

********************************

"And lucky I am
to be tall, too" (it hurts less
when I hit the roof)

********************************









- who needs 'handsome', anyway?...









('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

dumb belles - all brawn, no brains, bless'em...

*********************************

"Gym's great! Running up
bills is no problem now - and
our gym's are quite steep!"...

*********************************
















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

if you're going to be late, be pretty late - very pretty late...

***********************************

time and tide wait for
no man - but they might for a
lass who's a looker...

***********************************











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

from 'island' to 'wasland'...

************************************

Atlantis is no
more - it was swallowed by the
sea. Atlantisn't?
************************************


















('17 Syllabes plus' re-mix)

'down' as in eider, fed as in 'up'...

****************************

"Kiss my arse," said the
duck. I did. No wonder I
feel down in the mouth...

****************************












('The parson's nose': 17 Syllables)

there are fatalities - and very fatalities...

*******************************

Obesity - the
life-cycle: Small...M...L...X
L...XXL...ex

*******************************









did I say 'fatalities'? - better make that 'overweightalities'...political correctness, and all that...









('Reduced to Size': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

economic slooooow-down...

***********************************

my expenses don't
run to swank hotels now...they
crawl - to B & B's...

***********************************














('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

when every day's a "when?"sday...

******************************

our priest's become so
confused, he doesn't even
know what deities...

******************************















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the 'old boot' sale - (un)sold as seen...

****************************************

I raised 197 pounds at our church's
bring & buy sale yesterday...twice.
(Lifting the Mrs out of the car -
and then back in again...unsold.)

****************************************











- bless her, that's just over 14 stone: she's more of a backbreaker than a heartbreaker, really...










"Sexism - alive and well, and just back from China"...

good save...

****************************

I've always been a
fan of Kylie, me - what a
great body. Of work...

****************************
















(17 Syllables)

from yummy mummy to, er, yummy money...

*************************************

it could be good news
if your wife leaves you (depends
how much she leaves you)

*************************************













"no, son, it's not romance that's dead - it's your mother"...








('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

do unto others...

********************************

he who has the world
at his feet should be careful
not to tread on it...

********************************

















(17 Syllables)

when 'flat mate' means 'horizontal husband'...

*****************************

lazy husbands try
to get out of everything
(except bed, of course)

*****************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the prophylactic...

********************************

if you're wanting safe
sex and feel you can't put it
off - then put it on...

********************************




















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the, er, "no!" of volcano...

*******************************

Bugger! - I tried to
Mount Etna yesterday, but
She wouldn't let me...

*******************************









- damn near blew her top, in fact...







('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the divorce settlement...

****************************************

Bloody wife! Nothing
but a damned housekeeper. (She's
sure as hell kept mine)

****************************************









me? - all I got was the dog...







(17 Syllables)

Jack the Lad, codebreaker extraordinaire...

*******************************

of course I've got a
moral code - trouble is, it's
dead easy to crack...

*******************************
















(17 Syllables)

warning: male nudity (may contain nuts)

*****************************************

'adult content,' warned
the sign...too right! - it sure made
this adult content!...

*****************************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

army surplus? - barmy surplus, more like...

************************************

if it costs you a
hundred pounds to fill your tank,
change it for a car...

************************************












It's War!: Hit by Shell! - and, er, Esso...









('5-Star General Motors': 17 Syllables)

"Houston, we have a problem"...

**************************************

if 'a breadwinner'
brings home the bacon, who the
heck brings home the bread?...

**************************************











(17 Syllables)

welcome to the drug-riddled 21st Century...

****************************

bugger me, if "the
fabric of society"
these days isn't hemp!...

****************************

















('Immaterial Possessions': 17 Syllables)

asking for her hand (but not in marriage, exactly)

*********************************

my girlfriend stood me
up again last night - I need
some help when I'm pissed...

*********************************









(she never lets me down - I tend to do that myself)







('The Fall Guy': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

'if it's not on, it's just not on' - yeah, right...

******************************

"Safe sex? I wish!" - could
I pull it off? (Or would she
make me keep it on?)

******************************
















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

enjoy yourself yesterday? - No, I enjoyed someone else...

*********************************

Did I entertain
a girl in my room last night?
No. We just had sex...

*********************************
















(17 Syllables)

the London riots: what price education?...

***********************************************

never mind teaching
your kids right from wrong, 'right from
left' would be a start...

***********************************************












('Education - it ain't just for 'Edmasters': 17 Syllables)

altruistic recidivism...

*******************************

sure, I know that crime
doesn't pay - but I can still
be a volunteer...

*******************************










the wages of sin? what wages? - there are no bloody wages...








(17 Syllables)

there's a 1,209th time for everything...

*****************************

I've never told a
lie in my life, me - this is
my first one ever...

*****************************









(everyone tells lies - I know I haven't)







('Putting the ill into illogical':17 Syllables)

lies, damned lies - and love...

*************************************

behind all great men
lies a great woman - through her
teeth: "that was fab, hun!"...

*************************************









(it's different at night, mind - at night they'll lie beneath them)





(17 Syllables)

out of the frying pan...

***********************************

"Damn! I've just been kicked
out of the Kennel Club. Now
I'm in the doghouse"...

***********************************














(17 Syllables)

Classic FM: the sound of sound asleep...

********************************

when the radio's
all you turn on at night - the
honeymoon's over...

********************************










Hits and Misses: having listened to the Mrs all day, I stick to the hits at night...







('Turn her on? - I can't even turn her over': 17 Syllables)

a dress code? - on the Underground?...

**********************************

"Earl's Court, change here for
the Northern Line - that jacket
can go for starters"...

**********************************
















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

global warning...

**********************************

Deforestation? -
slow death. A mass-acre...by
acre - and acre...

**********************************

















(17 Syllables plus)

the senryu: a road less travelled...

*********************

a logical path
for a pathological
punster: 3-liners...

*********************














(17 Sillybillybles)

sex a peel...

*************************************

"cellulite, you say? -
then you'd best stay clear of the
heavy-duty stuff"...

*************************************















('Orange Peel Syndrome': 17 Syllables)

the floodgates open, the coffin disappears...

******************************************

"I move people - to
tears...and beyond," said the hearse,
"but very slowly"...

******************************************















(17 Syllables)

Jacques-of-all-trades...

*********************************

Jack's a sheet metal
worker - in fact, he's sheet at
most things, I'm afraid...

*********************************









- and now it's back to Hong Kong for a couple of days' R&R. And 'an iced vanilla coffee jelly caffe latte' (it takes almost as long to say it as to drink it). I must be getting old - I can remember when a coffee was, well, pretty much a coffee...





(17 Syllables)

ploughing a lonely furrow...

******************************

"sure, I'm a people
person - I've simply not met
the right people yet"...

******************************
















(17 Syllables)

I'll save you the trouble...

***********************************

"All good things must come
to an end," they say. Bad things,
too, thank God. The End.

***********************************












(17 Syllables)

what d'you want, blood?...

*******************************

'Educate, inform,
entertain': that's TV's brief...
(this verse is just brief)

*******************************











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the gentleman's club: 'needs must'...

******************************

"members only," the
loo door said - so I cut mine
off and threw it in...

******************************









- where spending a penny costs, well - more than just an arm and a leg...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

fast food - not...

****************************************************

"I go by the name 'snail,' said the snail,
"and it takes me ages...

- to be absolutely honest,
it takes me ages to go by anything," he sighed...

***************************************************















- "ha!" scoffed the coach that went by the name 'express'. (Did I say 'went'? - I meant 'flew').

a bit of rough - and tumble...

*******************************

I fell from grace last
night - well, that's not entirely
true: she pushed me off...

*******************************












('17 Syllables plus re-mix)

from a cow...

****************************

Milk can come from goats
or a sheep, but normally
it comes from Macau...

****************************








(a bit of a breakdown on the language front which brought a smile to my face recently. Vincent Hefter, China)






(17 Syllables)

the brass neck of the man (size 16, and counting)...

****************************

"hey, I'm the same size
I was twenty years ago! -
my ties all still fit!"...

****************************















(17 Syllables)

and thus it all began...

***************************************

"Food for thought? - that sounds
like a good deal," mused Einstein.
So he thought some more...

***************************************
















('A Fair Swap': 17 Syllables)

proof positive (70%, probably)

***********************************

"Sure, you've got a drink
problem - it's just that you're in
denial." - "No, I'm not"...

***********************************









- I'm off to the rice terraces for a couple of days; what passes for normal service might well be resumed upon my return. Cheers for now...




(17 Syllables)

one round too many...

*****************************

whenever I hit
the bottle, why's it me who
ends up on the floor?...

*****************************






- Ed: "stick to beer and avoid the punch, rum or otherwise"...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Pearl's a singer (when she's not, er, 'working')

******************************

Mulligatawny
won't interest Pearl Barley -
but a Scotch broth'll...

******************************









she's always right there, in the thick of it - and now I'm probably in the soup myself, just for admitting to knowing that...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

"they're watching me, I tell you!"...

*********************************

"mate, if the night does
have a thousand eyes, quit the
drugs - you're paranoid"...

*********************************















(17 Syllables)

putting the 'ad' into triad...

*****************************

for endless Latin
fun, to 'nauseam' and 'hoc'
add infinitum...

*****************************














('Ad Infinitum':'17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the driving licence...

*************************************

who needs a licence
just to drive someone round the
bend and up the wall?...

*************************************










- Sorry, did I say 'driving'? I meant 'marriage'...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Talk about dodgy satnavs: my wife was trying to drive me
round the bend last night. Ended up driving me up the wall...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

he's pretty benign, by all accounts...

**********************************

don't panic, Mrs -
that lump on your chest: it might
just be your husband.

**********************************








- it so often is...







('I'm more of a 'legs' man, myself': 17 Syllables)

knights er, errant?...

*******************************

cross-dressing? - it's been
around since the days of the
knights in white satin...

*******************************











- original song written by The Moody Blues' Justin Hayward. This is the wayward version...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the job interview...

************************************

"Do as you would be
done by," you say? Great! I like
to be done by 5:00...

************************************









(I'm still waiting to hear)





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

why the ring road? - beats me (hard - if I pay enough)

******************************************************

They've just opened a
spanking new S&M Dungeon on the ring road.
Well, not new, exactly.
Just spanking...

******************************************************












Not just any sex - S&M sex (with apologies to Marks and Sparks)...hence the, er, 'Marks'?...

no end of a good time...

***************************

Schubert's Unfinished
Symphony is a work that
still gives me endless...

***************************









it does what it says on the tin, I guess...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

there's 'entertainment' - and there's 'do not enter' tainment...

*******************************

Christ, I'm getting old -
I knew that Adult Shop when
it was still a child!...

*******************************

















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

I am bitious!...

******************************

To reach the top as
a chauffeur you have to be
driven. - "But by whom?"...

******************************














- for a long career on the road, try not to career off it - not too often, at least...

a two-course* meal - and on to the casino...

*********************************

when we gamble, we
sure make a meal of it: piles
of chips and large stakes...

*********************************








*(the courses? - Ascot and Lingfield, preferably)






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

putting the 'fun' into fungus...

******************************

magic mushrooms are
great! - especially with red
or brown saucery...

******************************

















(17 Syllables)

the ongoing economic crisis...

************************************

"who doesn't struggle
putting food on the table
these days?" - "er - waiters?"...

************************************



















(17 Syllables)

the set meal - well, not quite set, in the jelly's case...

********************************* I love mange-tout, but I couldn't eat a whole one. I love blancmange-too... ********************************* (17 Syllables)

wearing your art on your sleeve...

*******************************

Picasso's desire
to put his money where his
nose was sure paid off...

*******************************














- in the blink of an ear: from PICASSO (born 1881) to PICA$$000,000 (died 1973).





(17 Syllables)

reincarnation - a man can dream, right?...

**************************************

'what form would I like
to come back in?' - "why, the 6th
at St Trinian's!"...

**************************************














('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

terminal...

******************************

dead on time, or dead
on arrival? - one's a crime,
one is survival...

******************************















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll...

********************************

life was a bowl of
cherries in the 60's - and
most of them were stoned...

********************************









- "it sure as hell beat the daze of wine and roses, pal"...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

soul mates...

***********************************

the furthest thing from
my mind's the exosphere - but
I guess you knew that...

***********************************










- what some call 'extrasensory perception', cynics dismiss as 'general knowledge'...







('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

civil service - top bananas...

*******************************

it doesn't make sense -
why do so many plum jobs
go to mandarins?...

*******************************











- talk about enjoying the fruits of one's labour...







('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

no wonder criminal records are called rap sheets...

*****************************

rappers? - lock'em up
and throw away whatever
key they're singing in...

*****************************








'records,' my arse - aural pollution, more like...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

rhyme-a-line-a-haiku...

1) Life
2) I adore,
3) I cry
4) When I hear
5) Of war.
4) Each tear
3) Asks "why
2) More
1) Strife?".





*********************************

Life I adore, I
cry when I hear of war. Each
tear asks "why more strife?".

*********************************









('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

I ran - it's what my mum would have wanted...

*************************

He who hesitates
- is probably still alive.
Death is for heroes...

*************************












(Sh*t first, ask questions later. Or answer them, more like - at a court martial.)




(17 syllables)

boxing clever...

*********************************

if a ring can have
four corners, small wonder a
round can end all square...

*********************************















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

dry trunks all round...

*************************************************

Sarah never left
the woods. Most weekends, though, she'd
stroll down to the beech...

*************************************************















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

'O' Level, 'A' Level, 'Eye' Level...

**************************************

just one top-shelf mag
can teach you more than the rest
of the shelves combined...

**************************************









- so that's what's meant by 'higher' education?...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Caught on Camera! XXX Haiku - it's HOT!...

-------------------

Pin ( - )

-------------------








- bugger!...









( '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

been there, done that...and that...and that...and that...

*****************************

my work is done, I'm
quite bereft - of the seven
sins, not one is left...

*****************************









- wrath, greed, sloth, pride, envy, gluttony and...lust (but by no means least)




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

gone, but not forgotten...

********************************

"A thing of beauty
is a joy forever," sighed
the snowflake. Damned fast...

********************************










- so saying, she melted into my arms...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

at home with the chairwoman of the Word Association...

***********************************

"can I get down from
the table, mummy?" - "no, just
from ducks, honeybunch"...

***********************************








"what, the ones that lay the tables, mummy?"...





(17 Syllables)

I L-IQ (very much)

***********************************

we have cerebral
sex - it sure turns me on when
she blows my, er...mind

***********************************












- cerebral blow-jobs: a rose by any other name...





(17 Syllables)

20:20 vision - and I still can't see the joke...

***********************************

"eye say, eye say, eye
say," he began - and his jokes
just got cornea...

***********************************






don't believe me? - try this one for size...


- POOR VISION? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WITH WEAK 'I'S? -






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

a-tishoo of lies?...

***************************************************

Excuse me, I think
I'm going to sneeze....a.......a..........a..........
Sorry, false a........chooooooooooooooo!

***************************************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the last word...

****************************************************************

"Bugger," thought the cannibal, having eaten his wife,
"I should have known she wouldn't agree with me -
she never did".

****************************************************************












Visa obtained, it's back to Mainland China tomorrow, where, just as before, I anticipate problems accessing this site - thanks to China's continued attempts to stifle your actual 'freedom of speech'. (Talk is cheap, all right - but I won't be satisfied till all speech is free, haha).
Future postings, therefore, are likely to be intermittent (and just as politically subversive as today's obviously is?) Time will tell...

Vincent Hefter, Tsim Sha Tsui, Hong Kong.

cents and sensitivity...

**************************************

I like to deal in
hard cash - but the bus sign said
'tender coins only'...

**************************************








(as spotted at Victoria Peak, Hong Kong)





('The Soft Option': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

"hang on, I won't be a 2nd!"...

*************************

seeking ass1st.ance
is just another way of
asking for first aid...

*************************













('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Letters out of order? I guess so. Behaviour? maybe*...

****************************

'wine, women and snog?'
- yep, one of dyslexia's
great advantages...

****************************








*just a touch, perhaps - but a consensual one...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix - on the day of Hong Kong's first typhoon warning of the season. Don't get too many of those in London-upon-Thames (I'm in HK on a visa run.)

a dromedary in the dormitory...

********************************************

"Men! They're animals
in bed!" (Camels, right? - one hump,
and it's all over)

********************************************




- all over what, I dread to think...




(17 Syllables)

she's as pretty as a picture - and cheaper!...

****************************************

bugger the 'art' of
seduction - friendships, well-forged,
are worth even more...

****************************************









Rogues Gallery (no smirking): their conquests may be as pretty as a picture, but it's they who are well-hung...





(17 Syllables)

alive and kicking - and kicking and kicking...

*************************************

he tried so hard to
kick the bucket, missed it thrice
and muttered "f*ck it!"...

*************************************








if at first you don't succeed - eat some cheese (it's what you are good at)




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

It isn't just Lady Gaga who's big in the States...

*****************************************************

There's a truly massive American community
in this part of the world.

Just the three men and two women, of course.

But, boy, are they massive...

*****************************************************











Racism and Fattism - talk about killing two birds with (at least) one stone overweight...

the one that got away...

**********************************

Carpe deum - "seize
the day". Troute deum - "grab
the other fish, mate"...

**********************************










- talking of 'dropped catch of the day', how about this selection from the menu of yesterday evening's eating establishment of choice in Yangshuo:

Bad cabbage fleshy foam,
Sydney pig live soup,
Peanut you should try soup,
Colocasia esculenta schott fleshy foam,
Element face,
Manual dumplings...


I settled for the eggplant and garlic claypot dish, and bloody good it was, too...





(17 syllables, 3 lines, 4 flies)

from 'Masterchef' to 'Fasterchef' (hey, needs must)

***************************************

"cooking doesn't get
tougher than this," I mused - then
the microwave pinged...

***************************************











This blogging business is a bit of a lottery in China. Officially, the blogger.com site has been blocked. Unofficially, there are ways and means of circumventing these continued attempts to stifle freedom of speech. But fingers tend to remain firmly crossed when attempting to access the site (which doesn't exactly help with the typing).
Right now, for whatever the reason, the site is 'down' as often as it's up and running.
Who knew that 'menstrualcycleclips.blogspot.com' was so politically subversive?
Don't get me started. There's a time and place, and maybe this isn't it.

(Cue silent rant...)



(17 syllables)

he only took a few minutes (not ours)

*********************************

a caring burglar
will take his time - for taking
yours would be a crime...

*********************************











I tend to refer to myself over here as 'the stupid old Englishman'. "But you're not old," someone is always quick to reassure me.
It would be nice if, just the once, someone said "but you're not stupid".
Quite hurtful, the Chinese...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the alimentary canal? - isn't that somewhere near Panama?...

******************************************

"Passing ships in the
night?" you say. Good God, man, no
wonder you've got piles...

******************************************










It transpires that my Chinese friend's Cafe/'Hostel' (4 rooms) has never registered itself with the authorities. All hell broke loose when I applied for my visa extension and it turned out that, as a result of this flouting of the regulations, I wasn't registered either. Big trouble for the Cafe/'Hostel', I feared. Indeed, my friend tells how she was made to take a seat in the middle of a room to be interrogated by a dozen or so Public Security Bureau officials positioned - for reasons known only to themselves - in a circle around her. All a bit OTT. But then just as suddenly, the situation seems to have been resolved to everyone's satisfaction. Best not to ask, I guess.
Resolved to everyone's satisfaction bar mine, that is. It looks like I might have to do a visa run to Hong Kong as a result. Bit of a pain in the backside, to say the least.





(17 Syllables)

Billy No-Mates, that's me...

******************************************

I rang the Lonely
Hearts Club once. "Sorry," they said,
"we're not that lonely"...

******************************************













(17 Syllables)

lazy is as lazy does...

*********************************

Some folk run a mile
from the very word 'gym'. Not
me. I take the bus...

*********************************








(the only thing I'd exercise in the gym would be my right to do bugger all)





(17 Syllables)

for the love of loud jewellery...

********************************

I love brass bands - I
always wear one on my ring
finger. Who needs gold?...

********************************











What's not to love about Chinglish? - To add to the never-to-be-forgotten 'Wankelong Supermarket' (with obligatory piped music to wankelong to), a bus company here goes - very slowly - by the name of 'King Long' (as in 'every bloody journey's so ***king long') whilst a rival supermarket rejoices in the name of 'Yu Rong' (an emporium where the customer's not always right, apparently). You couldn't make it up. Well - you probably could. But I didn't ... Vincent Hefter, Guangxi Province, China.



(17 Syllables)

The Baker's Round

**************************

...and so would you be
if you ate as many of
his buns as he does...

**************************







- doh!...(or should that be 'dough!'?)





(17 rather sillybles)

saddled with a sister - for life...

*****************************************

an identical
twin's life-cycle? - what else could it
be but a tandem?...

*****************************************









Free Breakfast with Every Coffee (that's what it says on the Guilin coffeeshop menu - talk about 'arse about face'): it's the two Chinas - whilst the hoi polloi purchase tuppenny-ha'penny dumplings in the street to start their day, the nouveau riche frequent expensive coffeeshops where just one drink can cost a local peasant's daily earnings, and the food? - well, it's thrown in for free.
Not my sort of place, really - I just happen to know an employee there...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

role reversal - that's a good thing, right?

******************************

"Look! A right pair of
ornithologists," whispered
a couple of tits...

******************************









Seen on a Guilin menu yesterday: 'Crashed Pork with Corn Rice'. - Might that just be Chinese for 'Roadkill'?...





(17 Syllables)

because voices in their cornflakes tell them to?...

********************************

one in six Britons
suffer from mental illness -
the rest enjoy it...

********************************












Vincent Hefter, Guihua Lu, Yangshuo - not far from Embroidered Emerald and Anti-Invasion Roads (true). Sure makes good old 'Sheen Lane' seem pretty dull...


(17 Syllables)

it doesn't half exercise the Mrs, mind (when she finds out)

*****************************

all I exercised
in the gym today was my
right to do sod all...

*****************************







- hey, if the marriage isn't working out, why should I?...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Yangshuo Landscape College for Foreign Language...

****************************

it's so easy as
ABC: I am teaching
now English since years...

****************************





-------------------- 'Everything is but a floating cloud, coffee is still a force' --------------------------

The above is a sign I rode past today on my 'hell of a state' (of-the-art) Chinese rent-a-bike in the magnificent Guangxi countryside. I detect a certain college's influence in the wording...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




(17 Syllables)

scholars earn dollars, the dense cents...

**********************************************

"a penny for your
thoughts?" I asked the blonde - boy, did
she get a good deal...

**********************************************















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the vegetable patch - it's spreading...

*********************************

The leek took a pee,
the pea took a leak. And the
tap went drip, drip, drip...

*********************************









(but the cabbage had already bean)






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

talk about making a meal of things...

*******************************

the best thing my wife
makes in the kitchen is my
day when she leaves it...

*******************************










- staying in: it's the new eating out - out of packets, that is...






(17 Syllables)

well, it sure ain't the six-pack...

**************************

my girlfriend tells me
I'm a bit of a hunk - but
won't tell me which bit...

**************************







- "a prick, perchance?" came the cry...






(17 Syllables)

a somewhat unexpected side effect...

*************************

Our vicar, who takes
Viagra religiously,
is now a rector...

*************************








- behold, he is risen. Small 'h'...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

"now look me in the face and say that" - and he did...

******************************************************************

It's not only beauty
that lies in the eye of the beholder.
My bloody husband does, too - through his damned teeth.
No beauty, he...

******************************************************************










sure, the truth hurts - but lies hurt more...

lost in translation: China, May 18...

***************************************

jelly, coffee and
string? - not quite what I meant by
a three-bean salad...

***************************************








- guess I should have stuck with the dumplings - or that good old standby, the Green BaoZai Fan blasting fatty intestine...





(17 Syllables)

someone's got to do it...

******************************************************

"You do nothing?" I enquired, quite impressed -
"And for hour after hour!" said my guest,
"It can take 3 or 4,
Perhaps even more,
For it's hard when I'm not at my best"...

******************************************************













- indeed, over the years, he had sought out some of the world's most interesting locations in which to do - well, nothing, really. And not always on his own. He had truly got it down to a fine art ...

sex and the settee...

*******************************

these days, the best part
of the night rarely lasts the
best part of the night...

*******************************









- Million Dollar Man? - sadly, it's more a case of Waning Powers than Austin Powers...











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

it's that old anthropomorphic vanity thing...

******************************************

"good point, well made," I
smiled - boy, how pencil sharpeners
thrive on compliments!"...

******************************************












(17 Syllables)

no reason...

******************************

"Me? - No, I'm really
not the inquisitive type
at all. Why d'you ask?"...

******************************












('Game, Set & Match': 17 Syllables)

a non-rhyming 'England, centre of the uni' verse...

***************************************************

Some parts of China used to hate foreigners,
maybe still do -
but what did I care?...
I wasn't a foreigner - I was English.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Still am, in fact. Still travelling, too.

***************************************************








(travel light - leave your brain at home)





Vincent Hefter, News at Ten, Yangshuo, China

blank verse...

*********************************

reading between the
lines, this has to be one of
my finest couplets...

*********************************




(17 Syllables)

it does what it says on the tin...

*********************

opening my tin
of evaporated milk,
I found that it had...

*********************










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

----------------------------------------------------------

"Nothing is more beautiful than a woman in a cheongsam. Except perhaps a woman stepping out of one"...

Vincent Hefter, News at Ten, Cheung Chau Bun Festival (101 things you can do with a bun on one of Hong Kong's outlying islands - happily, "eating one" scraped in at No 93, so I had 2). I think it was that way round.

----------------------------------------------------------

a lady of easy virtue...

*****************************

my girlfriend's got a
very strange gait - luckily,
it's always open...

*****************************






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)


------------------------------------------------------

'Thank you for choosing City Flyer route A21 "bounding for Hung Hom Station in Kowloon,"' read the airport bus sign; (a destination soon to be known as 'Well Hung Hom Station', after a recent lick of paint). Good to be back in the madness that is Hong Kong - whatever you think of it, it has to be one of the world's greatest urban landscapes. In fact, I gather it's now a legal requirement to 'sign in' on arrival by taking the Star Ferry across Victoria Harbour just to see it in all its dazzling nighttime stunningnicity. Landscape, seascape, whatever...

With just a little bit more bounding, it was on to the good old Man Hing Lung doss-house for a surprisingly warm welcome, a complimentary beer and saturation coverage of the 7th Annual Cross-Straits Conference on Economy and Trade. Easy, tiger...

------------------------------------------------------

the seven ages of man (well, this man, anyway)

*********************************

my wife was on the
phone this morning and I had
to wait ages and...

ages...and ages...
and ages...and ages...and
ages...and ages...

********************************







(I was lucky to get away with seven, to be honest)





(a 17 Syllable double)

blood's dangerously low IQ count...

****************************

as blood is thicker
than water, it's probably
got no idea why...

****************************













('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

"table for three, sir?"...

********************************

The schizophrenic
was beside himself with Joy.
Then all three sat down...

********************************












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the art of one-upcatship...

*******************************

my cat ignores me
in the mornings - but today
I ignored him first...

*******************************














('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

seventeen rather sillybles...

--------------------------------------------------
I come from a long line of haikuists...
--------------------------------------------------

------------------
- or should
that be three
short lines?
------------------












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

a fine example of an abstract pen and ink...

********************************

'A Cart Drawn By Two
Horses,' it said. Poppycock! -
It's a Picasso...

********************************






(it just looks like some horses might have drawn it)





(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Royal Wedding ps:...

Tut-tut: the verger who was caught on film cartwheeling down the nave in Westminster Abbey has been officially carpeted...

- red carpeted, naturally. (see 'cartwheeling verger' - youtube)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

conspiracy theories...

*************************************

Is Cilla Black? Was
Barry White? Was Marvin Gaye?
Who are they kidding?...

*************************************








- and as for George Strait, don't even go there...






(17 Syllables)

The Royal Wedding: (Alternative) Order of Service...

************************************************^***************

..................................................1) Marry Kate.......

************************************************^***************

..................................................2) Forni Kate.......

************************************************^***************

..................................................3) Abdi Kate.......

************************************************^***************



---------------------------- Willy & Catheter: A Match Made In Heaven? ----------------------------



Apparently, some of Catherine's ancestors worked down the pit - so how does one address miner royalty?



What else would an old relic in a pub wish for other than a republic?- cheers!...

quick fix? epoxy glue - a poxy solution...

****************************************

however strong the
glue you sniff, you'll come unstuck
sooner or later...

****************************************









('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

The Overnight Bus...

********************************

Sound travels at night -
(it saves having to pay for
accommodation)

********************************

(I'm not sure if sound is actually aloud on board, haha...)




(17 Extremely Sillybles)

"hospital? - how did I get here, dad?"...

*******************************

You took a right - then
a sharp left - then another
left. Knocked out cold, son...

*******************************







(went flat-out all the way there, too, by all accounts - so to speak)





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

castles in the air...

***********************************

"He lived here only
in his mind," stated the plaque.
A dream unfulfilled...

***********************************









('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

beyond that, they're rubbish...

*******************************

'cat's eyes' are one of
our greatest inventions, as
far as I can see...

*******************************







...which is a good 100 metres further than before, mind.






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

"ask, and it will be given" (Matthew 7:7)

*************************************

"He who is without
sin, let him cast...OUCH!. Very
funny, Jesus, lad"...

*************************************








-well, you did ask...





(The First Stone:'17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

D-Day - over the top...

parched mouth...
cold sweat...
limbs shaking...
can't swallow...
feelings of nausea...
clock ticking...

a minute to go...


40 seconds, 20...



10...







GO! GO! GO!...









"Hello, you must be Jane. I'm John"...









(D for 'Date' - Blind Date: '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

"he's not much good yet, is he, mummy?"...

*********************************

"Bless you, my child," said
the new Archbishop. - "But I
didn't sneeze!" cried Clare...

*********************************












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

vath, lifestyle guru (by appointment)

***************************************

if you must cut out
something from 'wine, women and
song', make it the 'and'...

***************************************












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

off the wall...

***********************************

"Don't ignore me! I'm
here!" screamed the graffiti. In
invisible ink...

***********************************







- this, and similar signs, can't quite be seen in all the best places...





(I'm As Sane As The Next Octopus: '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Matthew, Mark, Luke and - Ian?...

***********************************

"Whereunto shall I
liken the Kingdom of God? -
Leeds? - You're kidding, right?...

***********************************











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

a veritable cacophony...

********************************

doctors' waiting rooms:
a ca-cough-cough-cophony
of flu sufferers...

********************************











('17 S-S-Syllables plus' re-mix)

criminal waste of time...

************************************************

"Is killing time a
crime?"..."Well, yes - two hours with your
mum would be murder"...

************************************************











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

extinction...

the endangered dodo
the endangered dod
the endangered do
the endangered d
the endangered
the endangere
the endanger
the endange
the endang
the endan
the enda
the end...








(The Bottom Line - '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

a punishment to fit the crime...

*****************************

I'm a cereal
offender - so why the hell
should I do porridge?...

*****************************









("Cell Block H?" I asked. "Cell Block K," they scoffed - "Special K")





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

high tree - low IQ...

*****************************

Is the coconut
a high fibre food? "Well, I
can't bloody reach it"...

*****************************










(17 Syllables)

forthcoming attraction: Sucker Punch [12A]...:

****************************************

talk about trailer
trash - heaven knows what the rest
of the movie's like...

****************************************













('The Trailer': 17 Syllables)

a social butterfly...

**********************************

"I mix in all the
best circles, me. Just the one
square, though: Trafalgar"...

**********************************







- well, more of an anti-social pigeon, really...




(17 Syllables)

April 6: spend, spend, spend a nice day...

*******************************

Happy Financial
New Year! Many happy tax
returns to you all...

*******************************












(17 Syllables)

middle age, old age, cold storage...

*************************************

Cryonics? I think
not - my wife would just turn me
off. As she does now...

*************************************







- the seven ages of man: could it soon be eight?...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wendy Wardrobe's one, two, three, foremost fashion favourites...

********************************

"my body feels great
in silk, tweed or wool - even
better when it's felt"...

********************************







- sometimes one's fashion statements reveal more than the fashions themselves...





(Material Possessions: '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Naked Gun...

*********************************

"Hold it right there!" barked
the policeman. "Well, maybe
not there," he added...

*********************************








('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

if the choux fits...

**************************************

"Beef Wellington for
me!" said Puss in Boots. "Do you
have it in size 6?"

**************************************








(wrong pastry - ended up with a soggy bottom: my choux had a hole in it)









(17 Syllables)

three well-constructed lines...

***************************

The Piccadilly,
Bakerloo, Jubilee and
Circle. Oops, that's four...

***************************













('Four Long Lines': 17 Syllables)

"not from Planet Hollywood's cheeseboard, you won't!"...

******************************

if music be the
food of love, then I'll settle
for some Hard Roquefort...

******************************








- cheesy music takes on a whole new meaning...




(17 Syllables)