old school ties? - great for securing ankles and wrists...

School was torture - no,
it really was. It was a
waterboarding school...




(and I'm not talking
waterbeds here, though I might
well have wet myself)





(17 Syllables)

flying saucers...

the nearest my wife
comes to cooking is making
me duck. "Missed again!"...





(she's got a hell of
a tempura, too - but it's
me who gets battered)






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

"showtime!" - it always gets me going...

the curtains part, the
organ rises. I just hope
no-one notices...







talk about a Pavlovian reaction...




(17 Syllables)

feminism (parts 1 & 2)

my wife's a feminist, and likes to be taken seriously -
so when I took her last night,
I did so very seriously...





**************************************************





whilst feminists want to be taken seriously,
working girls just want to be taken -
seriously...


-

Escape from Alcatr...

(typical - he never finishes his sentences)













- just as well, as he'd been given a long one this time...

the theatre of war - now sewing:...

the surgeon was all
in, the bullet out, then out
came the bulletin...












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

neither a barrel - of laughs...

you two carry on
shooting the breeze - I'm off to
fetch my air rifle...







- nor gales of laughter. Just the merest of breezes...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the power & the glory: "bring it on!"...

obscurity was
the dream - but the time comes when
you have to move on...












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sits Vac (& thinks of England)

soft of bosom
and hard of heart,
it ain't so hard
to play the tart...











"courtesans suck" - not so much a judgement, more a job description...

a vein by any other name (the thin blue line)

COP PORN: 'sometimes the
cops come after you - sometimes
they come before you'...






- and no, they don't always ask you to 'come quietly, please'...




'Picture house'? -'Sinema', more like it (and yes, I think more do like it). Seems not all PC's are PC. Pop corn, anyone?...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

time-and-a-half travel...

bloody unions - in thirty years' time,
bank holiday and weekend time travel was finally banned
due to workers' excessive wage demands -
(don't ask me how I know)








(mind you, I don't find out till last March - I wish I'd known earlier, like)




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

********************************************************************************

Heard on the radio today: "Jean Simmons had a longevity many other
actresses would have died for"...

********************************************************************************

mutuality, a love story...

Love is blind...

------------------

As fingers move and 

touch, so too do the words. Braille, 

it's reciprocal... 

 (17 Syllables)

I'm more waning powers than Austin Powers these days...

just as heart and soul go
together, so, too, can eyesight
and hearing, dammit -
the clock's ticking...











(17 syllable version)

just as heart and soul
go together, so, too, can
eyesight and hearing...


('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

honour amongst thieves...

I tell you what, John's
never lacked the courage of his convictions.

All thirteen of them...










(17 syllable version)

I tell you what, John's
never lacked the courage of
his (12) convictions...

blank verse...

reading between the lines, I think this is one of my finest couplets... (17 Syllables)

alcoholics synonymous...

For a while there, I thought I was
leaving my mark on the world.
Turns out it's a stain.









we're talking two relatively short sentences here (and neither reduced for good behaviour) - ironic, or what?...




mark? stain? - the wages of synonyms, and all that...

"come quietly, please" - "I just have, officer!"...

*******************************

any couple who 

get carried away on the 

public beach, will be!...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

a humerus haiku...

bugger, I've just gone
and grazed my funny bone - is
laughter infectious?...












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

more than just motorway madness...

It was 'hither and thither,
till I wither and die'...

When, all of a dither,
I just stopped. With a "WHY?"...






(from 'stations of the cross' to 'service stations for the cross' ; progress - in the blink of a cat's eye)






not for nothing are we called the human 'race' - me? give me a peaceful life-cycle in the countryside any day of the week (so to speak) - single or tandem...

the green activist...

I do nothing to
save energy - I've saved loads
today already!...












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

[E] [G] [G] [S]: a square, square, square, square meal...

*************************************

scrabbled eggs on a

triple word score are so much

better than on toast...

*************************************

(17 syllables)

that dreaded brain cell-by date...

Alzheimer's? - it's just
life declining to renew
your remembership...










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

some sort of a nut (that's short for 'nutritionist')

A dietician recently told me that I ought to 

take the vast majority of the Daily Mail's 

dietary advice with a huge pinch of salt. Some

dietician! What's she trying to do? kill me?..

Gypsy Fred Lee, Ltd (ever more so, it seems)

"help! does anyone have any idea
how the heck a clairvoyant with 2020 vision
is meant to support himself
in 2021?"...












- we've all been told nostalgia's not what it used to be; well, clairvoyance is absolutely nothing like it's going to be, either - I just know, OK?...

it's a jungle out there - but the blades aren't grass...

yeah, living in the ghetto's tough, all right...
sure, most of us are flourishing -
but what we're flourishing's
usually a weapon...











-

the peloton...and on...and on...and...

******************************************

if all the world's a
stage, that 'Tour de France' is one
hell of a long race!...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

oneupman-sh*t...

Bloody hell, just look at all those
David Beckham tattoos!

Tw*t.



Shouldn't footballers make do with transfers?...








-

"if, on the 1st, you don't succeed, s*d it"...

"I always Knew Years'
Resolutions to give up
on puns never worked"...











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)