a bit close to home...

*******************************

I'm a cerebral
stalker - I follow every
word my neighbour says...

*******************************











(when there are three feet in a yard, and only two of them are yours - forget the maths)












('Des Restraining Order, Anyone?': 17 Syllables)

is this the 'compensation culture' of which they speak?...

*******************************

old age: the looser
the flesh, the firmer all my
damned opinions...

*******************************











(over-compensating, I'd say)









('Putting the 'Sag' into Saga': 17 Syllables)

fuel tanker strikes & the hot food tax: a solution...

********************************** 

 doh! buy a jerry 

can - I've crammed about fifty 

pasties into mine... 

 ********************************** 

 ('Current Affairs': 17 Sillybles)

"rhymes with Canute, innit?" - ***king Canute...

*********************************

"Bugger my minute
figure!" (That's, like, fifty-nine
short of an hourglass)

*********************************

















('A Pronounced Lack of Size': 17 Syllables)

lies, damned lies and - "what the?":...

*************************************

'Nothing 3, A Good
Night Out 2'. Who says nothing
beats a good night out?...

*************************************










(mind you, it's still a good night out if you score, right?)











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

a cuter face, acuter brain...

******************************************

a wife may follow
one's train of thought - but she'll still
reach the station first...

******************************************



















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the class clown & corporal punishment...

******************************************

my record of 10
whacks on the bum still stands (well,
it's too sore to sit)

******************************************











(a corporal gets two stripes on his sleeve - so why do I get ten on the bum?)











(17 Syllables)

"fore!"warned is forearmed...

******************************

are 'learner drivers'
golfers who graduate from
pitch & putt courses?...

******************************

















(17 Syllables - 18 Holes)

"runner beans? - they're really fast"...

*******************************************

Crisps aren't all fast food.
Not mine, at least - they're Walkers,
so they're pretty slow...

*******************************************
















('Made in Leicester': 17 Syllables)

close, but no cigar...

********************************************

"A wife should be a
sounding board," I tell mine - "Yeh?"
she sighs. Sounding bored.

********************************************











(17 Syllables)

distant horizons...

**************************

on the daily grind
from A to B, I can but
dream of going to C...

**************************

















('The 9:00 to 5:00 Commute': 17 Syllables)

forget 'blind-dating'' and 'speed-dating'...

*********************************************

so ancient was my
last match, she seemed more in need
of carbon-dating...

*********************************************

















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

WCs - they're where an MPs...

*************************************

members hang out in
a House of Commons loo - and
conversation flows...

*************************************










(that's MPs, not MEPs - but EU-phemism still intended)











('Members of Parliament': 17 Sillybles)

would you Adam 'n' Eve it?...

*******************************

"he's great - he makes me
feel like I'm the only girl
in the world," sighed Eve...

*******************************


















('In The Beginning Was The Bird': 17 Syllables)

a bloody nuisance...

********************************

the wife's run out of
tampons again - how I hate
period dramas...

********************************



















('TV Hits and Mrs': 17 Syllables)

shooting the breeze? - get an air rifle...

**********************************************

clay pigeon shooting's
great, mate - but don't take them home,
they're damned hard to cook...

**********************************************



















('Putting The Bird Into Birdbrain': 17 Sillybles)

"I was that bun in the oven"...

***************************************

"The name's Yeast. James Yeast.
(Less of a secret agent -
more a raising one.)

***************************************










- "my word is my Bond - and the word's 'yeast'"...











('No Norland Nanny Needed - This One's Self-Raising': 17 Syllables)

'bargain basement?' - I'd prefer 'best-cellar'...

**********************************

red-hot 3-liners,
my arse - it seems I'll have to
call mine unread-hot...

**********************************










...pageviews today: 0 - and counting...











(17 Sillybillybles)

when blood is thicker than - daughter?...

***************************************

thank you, darling, for
our two gorgeous daughters - and
the ugly one, too...

***************************************



















(17 Syllables)

life in the slow lane...

************************************

passing time's so much
fun, I've slowed right down so I
can pass it again...

************************************









------------------- English Rugby's Selection Policy -------------------

Many people were questioning the choice of Owen Farrell at 10.

At 5 they were singing his praises. (France 22 - England 24)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

I don't have the heart for athletics...

****************************************

I dread needing a
pacemaker - the ones I've watched
have always dropped out...

****************************************



















('The Human Race - a Marathon, Not a Sprint': 17 Syllables)

I like a well-red wine, me...

********************************************

"Wine? A brain food? Are
you sure?" - "Well, drinking too much
sure is food for thought"...

********************************************




















('He Drinks, He Thinks': 17 Syllables)

going places...

*******************************

as a kid, they knew
I'd go far - what they didn't
know was how often...

*******************************



















('The Travel Bug': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

a relationship based on trust (funds)

********************************

my wife and I've a
lot in common - she's got a
lot, and I'm common...

********************************










(...common as muck. And where there's muck there's brass - her brass)









('The Gold Digger': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

forget double cream - think quadruple!...

*****************************************

I see the need for
nut crackers - but cream crackers?
How thick can cream be?

*****************************************





















('Whey Too Thick': 17 Syllables)

La Cucaracha (oil on canvas)

*******************************

It's a crushed cockroach -
I call it 'Still Life, At Least
I Think There Still Is'...

*******************************









(forget 'Dada Movement' or 'Cubism Movement' - think 'barely detectable movement')











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

a nasty turn...

***********************************

my satnav drove me
round the bend this afternoon -
the wrong bloody one...

***********************************



















('It's a Right Turn-Off. Or Should That Be Left?': 17 Syllables)

my Frau's dick (that's German for 'stout')

************************************

Dense and substantial,
that's my wife - like a good pie.
(No, not like a tart)

************************************











- hey, nothing goes better with a pie than stout...










('Einstein She Ain't, Tasty She Is': 17 Syllables)

arrested development...

**************************************

having the courage
of your convictions works great -
for recidivists...

**************************************










(at 17 and counting in my case, that's a lot of courage)











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the 'you' of unique...

************************************

no-one's quite like my
schizophrenic wife - she's two
of a kind, bless her...

************************************


















(17 Syllables)

white, black & pink: the three-piece sweet...

************************************

there are only two
things certain in life: death and
licorice allsorts...

************************************









(I make bloody sure of it)











('Bags of Fun': 17 Syllables)