Gone With the Wind: the first draft...

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if the i of a
storm's in the centre, then, hey -
it's a hurricane...

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('Red Sky At Night': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Peggy Sioux arose - by any other name...

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Big Chief Sitting Bull
was a man of some standing
- on his rare days off...

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('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

called to the bar...

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men, they're just like fires -
leave them unattended and
they tend to go out...

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(Bless'em - they get confused as to which their better half is: the one at home, or the one they quickly nip out to the pub for to down in one)












('My better half's got a head on it': 17 Syllables)

now serving at Wimbledon...

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"one slice or two?" asked
Murray - well, they're just bread and
butter shots to him...

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('Spread Betting - Butter or Marge?': 17 Syllables)

the career girl who'd maidename for herself...

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sure, my wife's a  name-

dropper, but don't most women

drop their maiden name?...

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('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

"on your marks, get settee, go!"...

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"Yipee! Sofaworld's
Summer Sale!!!" - (talk about a
kid in a suite shop!)

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(17 Syllables)

Wow! Times New Roman! - just my type...

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Computer dating's
great! I've dated two Dells and
an Apple so far...

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(17 syllables)

sports bars - don't you just love 'em?...

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I love weightlifting -
I can lift about twelve pints
in three hours these days...

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('Raising The Bar (Well, A Fair Share Of It)': 17 Syllables)

not the lightweights...

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when it comes to news
programmes, do stick-in-the-muds
make the best anchors?

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('News Anchors': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

taken for a ride...

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"that'll be eighty
pounds, please, ma'am," announced the horse...
(it was a charger)

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('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

(very) dim sum: the meal I made of maths...

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sadly, I only
mastered one of the three 'R's:
reading and writing...

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('I can't even work out what the sum total of my education adds up to': 17 Syllables)

sits vac (in amazement)...

            -- VACANCIES

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Arseholes needed to
drive buses. Must be prepared
to whizz past bus stops...

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Today - and I'm talking more than just the one bus here - it was whilst waiting for a No 38 to Victoria ('The Route of all Evil'). But, to be honest, it could probably have happened just about anywhere on the London Transport network - it seems to be a far more frequent occurrence these days: buses that don't stop, drivers with short fuses - you know the sort of thing. And don't get me started on ill-mannered passengers...

This is just my 17 Syllable therapy/revenge. And, boy, do I feel better for it, thank you......

ah, right - stool pigeons...

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of course I've heard of
a flight of stairs - but not (till 
now) of 'flights of chairs'...


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('Tailor-made for Sitting Ducks?': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

taking a £££££££££££ounding...

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current account, my
arse - mine's more a blow-by-blow
account: all debits...

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Yes, I'm still of sound mind - just. It's the balance of my bank that's disturbed...














("Show Me My Fortune, Teller": 17 Syllables)

fantasy football - the perfect match...

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when Man United
meet Woman United, let's
hope everyone scores...

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('A match made in heaven - but played at Old Trafford':17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

there's no dough in being a juror...

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Will the court rise? No?
(Make the jury a baker's
dozen, and they might!)

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('Us? Made of money? No. Made of dough? Maybe': 17 Syllables)

there's a lack of abs in 'absence'...

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"and what do you get
out of of training?"..."nothing - I
just get out of it"...

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('The Couch Potato': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

I have given: the present perfect...

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Mr and Mrs
Jones request your presents at
their son's wedding (loads!)

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('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

shop assistants and the correct form of a dress...

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husbands should only
talk wives into clothes they'd love
to talk them out of...

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('It's a Win-Window Shopping Situation': 17 Syllables)

I call a spayed a spayed, me...

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"Testicularly
challenged? My dog? That's bollocks.
'Neutered?' Yep, sure is"...


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('Me? Intellectually challenged? - No way. 'Stupid' is what I am.': 17 Syllables)

- Private Improperty - Please Enter!

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if bordello's not
an improper noun, then I've
no idea what is...

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('Proper Nouns': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the battle of the sexes: and so to bed...

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a night in shining
armour, you say? - no thanks, pet,
I've got a headache...

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('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

a two course meal (way too coarse, right?)

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Revenge is a dish
best served cold. To follow? - Give
them their just desserts...

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(More 'Vicioussoise' than Vichyssoise': 17 Syllables)

a retouchy subject...

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if window-shopping's
'just looking',  photoshopping's
'just looking good', right?...

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('17 syllables plus' re-mix)

one more jibe, and I'll, er, crown you...

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"WOOD JUBILEE'VE IT!"

'Wood?' My arse. 'Diamond', more like.

- 60 bloody years!...

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(Did I say 'bloody'? - I meant 'glorious': 17 Syllables)