"DO NOT ENTER"TAINMENT
                    
                      Private Club


                  - Members Only -

                                


                                     Pin (   )


         

   Laptopless dancers (but they're saving for one, so give generously)

                           OPEN TO NON-MEMBERS TODAY, so peruse on...
                                                      
              (and if you don't know where peruse on, it's on the west coast of S.America)

let's hope the next day's a rest day...

***************************************

if all the world's a
stage, the Tour de France is one
hell of a long race...

***************************************








- "HOW many stages?" - er, 21 (3,360km)









('The peloton...and on...and on...': 17 Syllables)

"ouch!" said the joke (I'd nicked it - but I forget from whom)

*******************************

the sharpest way to
razor laugh is to be, well -
on the cutting edge...

*******************************

No wonder James Blunt struggles...




(17 Rather Sillybles)

Spot the Baldy...

4:15pm: poor old grandad, he's got stuck in the crowd again...

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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- no wonder he's a little cross...







(the 'little cross' is in the 9th row up, if you don't get the joke)

my missus' hobby: mister baiting...

*************************************

Someone asked my wife
what I was up to these days.
"Eighteen stone," she sighed...

*************************************


















(17 Rather Sillybles)

can I join now? - I mean RIGHT now?...

********************************

if impatience is
a major problem, why not
join Can'tWaitWatchers?...

********************************


















('Is there a waiting list?': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
100 metres: Bolt beats Gatlin - "Cheetah beats cheater. What could be sweeter!" - Poetic justice? You  betcha!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

forward planning - very forward planning...

*************************************

"You love me? Are you
having me on?" - "Yes...having
you on Tuesday. Please?"...

*************************************








- He: Don Juan. She: don juan to. Well, not on Tuesday, anyway...










(17 Rather Sillybles)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For One Direction it seems it's all gone west. Not to mention south, north and east...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

to Heidi...

******************************

I was young once. But
once wasn't enough - so I
plan to be old twice...

******************************


















('I want to get it right': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
               - Andy Murray beats Djokovic in Montreal -
Murray may not be one of the all-time greats yet, but his brother
Jamie is certainly one of the all-time quite-goods...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

on the lam - but not for long...

*************************************

Little Bo Peep, you
needn't cry - they're over there,
in the shepherd's pie...

*************************************






(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those of you who think Chelsea and their current manager uphold the spirit of
sportsmanship, well you've got a point. Just the one. Manchester City, the current
leaders, have got six. Justice? You betcha!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a tad do re me fa-fetched, methinks...

********************************

do bad singers break
into song only if they
can't find the right key?...

********************************


















(17 Syllables)

two hearts beating as - er, two...

***********************************

Mum loves line dancing.
Dad loves laptopless dancers -
"offline dancing, son"...

***********************************


















('Private club - (flaccid erect) members only': 17 Syllables)

calorie counter-espionage...

**************************************

'Ninety calories,'
it read. I could count only
eighty. "They've screwed me!"...

**************************************







- if a calorie contains 4.18400 joules, and one carrot contains 
41 calories, then how many carats are there in 
the family joules?...









(17 Syllables)

from 'Rule, Britannia' to 'Offside rule, Britannia'...

*************************************

Wherefore art thou, 'Great
Britain'? - when did you become
'Celebritannia'?...

*************************************








- from Churchill to downhill: it's now a case of "soccer culture rules, OK" (an oxymoron, if ever there was one...with emphasis on the 'moron', of course)








(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Newsnight presenter Evan Davis made a contentious 'promiscuous gays' comment about Tinder, so many people took a swipe at him. And nearly all to the left, strangely...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

speaking in tongues...

*****************************************

"te amo"..."je t'aime"...
"Ich liebe dich"..."I love you"...
"NO TONGUES! - you promised!"...

*****************************************


















(17 Rather Sillybles)

how many ounces in a Poundland?...

*********************************

if the world's strongest
man's a shoplifter, just how
many can he lift?...

*********************************


















(17 Rather Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Britain's Got Talent controversy: how do you make a collie cross? Make a furore about his stunt double.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

let's hear it for open marriages!...

*********************************************

why promise to love, honour and obey
when you can promis-
cuity?...

*********************************************

(Love, honour and a bay window of opportunity)

I come from a broken bed...

*********************************

mummy and daddy
separated right after
my conception - drenched...

*********************************


















('Seems mummy married a sweater': 17 Syllables)

promiscuity leads to you and I going different ways...

            U <  - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
                                                                           
                                                                                                 
                                                     
                                                      
              P R O M I S C - - T Y
                                                                                   
                                                         
                                                         
                                                         - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > I


            


(there is no 'us' in promiscuo'- -')                                                                    

Friday night is "music" night, if you get my drift...

*******************************************

Are men the weaker
sex? No way! (Though mine's a once-
a-weeker. Sadly)

*******************************************


















('If music be the food of love, fancy some Meat Loaf?': 17 Syllables)

"Mariachi!" the condemned man cried...

********************************

At my wedding there'll
be a "MarryArchie, Not
Me!" band. (My last hope.)

********************************


















('The Funeral Mar--ch-': 17 Syllables)

grumpy old technophobe...

*****************************

of course my wife loves
me - I'm a dinosaur, and
she loves animals...

*****************************


















('Mr and Mrs Dinosaur = Dinosaurus': 17 Syllables)

foreplay - on a bed of rice...

*************************************

a vindaloo is
what I gave her - just the thing
to curry favour...

*************************************


















('What a dish, and a bit of a Goa': 17 Syllables)

business is bad, then?...

****************************

Just as in business,
a haiku's all about the
bottom line. Hat stand.

****************************


















(17 Syllables)

kiddie fiddling in the Catholic Church? - mass perturbation ensues...

*******************************

Everyone knew our
canon was loaded. No-one
knew why he was fired...

*******************************


















(17 Syllables)

when she left, I really Mr (x 5)

*********************************************

I've been engaged five
times now. Dad, bless him, calls them
my five near-Mrs...

*********************************************


















('5 Miss-takes': 17 Syllables)

forget 'Eastern Bloc'...

****************

Dostoevsky,
Chekhov,
Pushkin,
Pasternak,
Gorky,
Tolstoy,
Solzhenitsyn,
Nabokov.

****************








...think Writer's Bloc.










(This took me months to dream up. Obviously)

wow, look at that escarGO! - not...

*********************************

freighters that move at
a snail's pace are little more
than escargo-boats...

*********************************


















('Is "snail's pace" an escargot-slow?': 17 Syllables)

ashes to ashes, dust to dust...

************************************

hoovers that suck are
no worse than parachutes that
always let you down...

************************************


















('English, it'll be the death of me': 17 Syllables)

we punters like a run for our money...

*****************************************

Long-distance runners
run rings round the jumpers. Laps,
I believe they're called...

*****************************************


















('And after the meeting? Hops, kip and a jump. Cheers!': 17 Syllables)

groan...groan...groan...groan...groan...grown-up!

************************************

At last! After six
long months of potty training -
the first flush of youth!...

************************************


















('Eureka! Excreta!': 17 Syllables)

the wheels haven't fallen off yet...

************************************

our café may not
be Michelin-starred, but we've
had a damned Goodyear...

************************************













('He who is tired of life is...tyred of puns?': 17 Syllables)

(wrought) iron man...

*********************************

I'm a cage fighter -
as of yesterday, I've fought
fifty-four cages...

*********************************


















('My friends call me Nicolas. Nicolas Cage Fighter': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
STOP PRESS: The Ashes: Australia lose at Edgbaston. I'm sure they went all out to win -
turns out they just went (all out). Forgot the 'win' bit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the superior sex...

********************************************

"my, how he waffles!"...
she smiled - she knew one kiss would
cut him down to sighs...

********************************************


















('It took a few Krs, but now she's his Mrs': 17 Syllables)