don't worry, she was already half-cut...

*******************************

The magician sawed
his assistant in half...then
joined her - for dinner.

*******************************








- the start of a beautiful relationship...








('Hey Presto! Two half sisters!': 17 Syllables)

it's an aftershock - no great shakes...

***********************************

"Sorry, my fault," said
San Andreas after the
earthquake. So what's new?...

***********************************

















('San Andreas Fault': 17 Syllables)

short sentences needn't be death sentences...

***********************************

The words "it's cancer,
mum" were music to her ears:
The Funeral March...

***********************************








- (my cancer, her ears) 10 years later, I'm still here. But she's not...








('Where there's life (and the incomparable NHS) there's hope': 17 Syllables)

multiple personality disorder...

****************************************

living with myself's
quite hard - sometimes I think I'd
rather live alone...

****************************************

















('We do get on, but it's strictly platonic': 17 Syllables)

honesty? - it's a hard sell...

***************************************

I can now say, with
conviction, I'm done with crime.
Well, nine convictions...

***************************************








- it's all about finding the courage of your (9) convictions...








('Chryme and punishment': 17 Syllables)

me, I prefer to wait a week or two...

***********************************

my granddad loves his
beef jerky - "still in its death
throes," as he puts it...

***********************************


















('The lion's raw': 17 Syllables)

a case in point (in lower case and 14 point)

******************************

introspective verse
isn't really my thing - I've
often wondered why...

******************************







(17 Syllables)

legal highs...

*******************************

She was sixteen, I
was thirty, so I said "hi!".
A legal "hi!". Just...

*******************************

















(17 Syllables)

the 'right to die' debate (a brief break from frivolity)

************************************

RIGHT---> to die, or <---LEFT
to suffer? - the first is tough,
the second tougher...

************************************







---> sometimes the right way IS the right way...









(17 Syllables)

17 Syllable conundrum...

----------------------------
"5 + 5 + 5 
= 550"...I'm no
humdrum conundrum!..
----------------------------

 







- with the addition of just one straight line, this equation can be made to make sense (the 'equal' sign remains unchanged). You have one minute...









five plus five plus five
equals five fifty - I'm no
humdrum conundrum!  (17 Syllables)

the afterbirth? - very (Eton) messy...

************************************

Talk about having
tough parents! I was put down
at birth! (For Eton)

************************************

















('From a Harrowing birth to Eton College': 17 Syllables)

Freedom Pass...

********************************

it's so much cheaper
to go to hell and back once
you're over sixty...

********************************








- Sorry, did I say hell? I meant Scunthorpe...









(17 Syllables)

my boomerang: (many) a good return on my money...

**************************************

"Fetch!" I cry. But the
boomerang always beats the
dog back. Close thing, though...

**************************************








- money well spent! (looks like the dog is, too)









('How do you make a collie cross? Buy a boomerang': 17 Syllables)

tell-tale tails...

*****************************

if a wag tells a
tale, then it's probably a
shaggy dog story...

*****************************








- and we'll all have no end of a good ti...









('I prefer my tales docked, mate': 17 Syllables)

dad gave me a rocket last night - for free...

**************************************

don't get caught stealing
fireworks - they may let you off,
but they'll stand well back...

**************************************


















('Let off with a warning bang': 17 Syllables)

a grammatical sabbatical...

*************************************

I'm not going to ask
any more rhetorical
questions. What's the point?...

*************************************








- Bugger! It's harder than I thought. Who knew?...









(17 Syllables)

I was thrown for a moment...

***************************************

"Get back to me," said
the boomerang. 'That's your job,'
I thought. So hung up...

***************************************








(thrown by a boomerang? - talk about role reversal)









('First the phone rang. Then the boomerang': 17 Pretty Sillybles)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Queen has been our head of state for a record 23,262 days 
(and counting)...not so much a cardinal number, more a Supreme 
Governor of the Church of England number, wouldn't you say?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

there's a time and place...

*************************************

Mass murderers should
never shoot more than ninety.
Not on a golf course...

************************************








(this one's a par 72, I believe)









('Deadly from the edge of the green': 17 Syllables)

welcome to your chalet (and you're welcome to it)

***************************************

"...been raining cats and
dogs here for donkey's years - do
you like animals?"...

***************************************








- sure, but why the 'no pets' sign?...









(17 Syllables)

suddenly, I've gone write-off cars - guess why...

*****************************

"Wreckless driving"? - a
contradiction in terms if
ever I heard one...

*****************************








"Accident? - That's more than an accident, mate"...









(17 Syllables)

vacancy for the post of football manager...

************************************

ball hits post, stays out:
bad manager - hits post, goes
in: good manager...

...best to draw up an
ad. for the post - not for the
post of manager...

************************************







- finding the right post, always a problem...






(17 Syllables x 2)

peace be upon you, dear...

*********************************

never go to bed
on an argument - whack him
with an olive branch ...

*********************************


















(You can't beat a good wife (well, not too hard): 17 Syllables)

labradoodling? - with no canoodling?...

***********************************

Labradoodles? Wow!
Poodles! Conceived in a lab! -
"Test-tube doggies rule!"...

***********************************








(Er, sort of - though mine's more of a lab conceived in a poodle, to be honest)









('Labradorable pets': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's hear it for "our longest raining Queen"! (As for the rest of her family? What a shower!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

was the Bible Chairman Mao's little-read book?...

     

              ------------------------------
              JESUS CHR1st. AMONG EQUALS
              ------------------------------



           a Commun1st, by any other name?





                          ------- Chairman Mao's Little Red Book -------

harsh, but true - it's time you knew...

****************************************

When I told her she
was fat, the scales fell from her
eyes. "So there they are!"...

****************************************





- a poor excuse, if ever I heard one...






(17 Syllables)

the sizemologist...

******************************************

"Fat folk have a fat
chance of finding love! Lose weight
and have a slim chance"...

******************************************








the scales of injustice - they're hardly worth standing on...









('The profundity of rotundity': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Poldark and handsome, that's me. Which goes to prove that beauty
doesn't just lie in the eye of the beholder...it just lies. Period.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

"the herd mentality" (why are you here? - "we herd it's good")

***********************************

only people with
a low "I queue" would wait for
hours for - whatever...

***********************************


















(17 Syllables)

the hospital canteen...

********************************

we tried to form an
orderly queue - but none of
us were orderlies...

********************************
















(17 Rather Sillybles)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You cannot be Syria's!" to quote McEnroe. And apparently 4 out of 5 migrants aren't...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the green, green arse of home - that's me...

*************************************

greater love hath no
man, than he lay down his lawn
for his beloved...

*************************************




"I'm doing it, darling!" (it's not just the grass that's hen-pecked)




(17 Syllables)

Love is...(1)

***********************************

It started with a
kiss - and ended with a Miss:
daughter Jane, 8 lbs...

***********************************








- if music be the food of love, then pass the Hot Chocolate...









('In memory of Errol Brown, MBE': 17 Syllables)