my perennial old chestnut - how I've missed you...

*****************************

I always Knew Year's
resolutions to give up
on puns wouldn't work...

*****************************








(17 Perennially Sillybles)

caution doesn't run in her family - it crawls...

***************************************

timid drivers drive
their passengers round the bend -
but very slowly...

***************************************










(17 Syllables)

genius doesn't come cheap...

 *****************************

"My brain hurts," I told
the consultant. "It's all in
your head," he told me...

******************************









(17 Syllables)

yeah, right...

**********************************

'Wish you were here,' I
write. (I like to lie in the
sun. Just white lies, though)

**********************************








 (17 Sillybles)

****************************************************

Christmas always falls on the 25th. So
does dad. Can't take his drink, bless him...

****************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 27)

*********************************************************

Mr and Mrs Jones are so close, they even finish
each other's sentences. Which doesn't say much
for prison security...

*********************************************************

quite a wit, was A.N.Other...

**************************

the list of famous
unattributable quotes
goes on...anon..an...

**************************











(17 Syllables)

when the Christmas spirit's 63% proof...

******************************

Christmas always falls
on the 25th. So does
dad. No head for booze...

******************************









(17 Seasonal Sillybles)

**************************************************

Reliable parachutes always let you down...

**************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 23)

a work of fiction...

****************************

I've just entered a
short story competition.
And won! This is it.

****************************










(17 Syllables)

we tend to make a meal of it...

*******************************

organising a
meal by the riverside's no
picnic, believe me...

*******************************












(17 Syllables)

Three UK...

***************************************

Two's company, three's
 ...a company, too, right? Three.

co.uk

***************************************

(Just sayin': 17 Syllables)

she nearly ran out of gas, to be honest...

***********************************************

"My sister used to

go speed-dating" - "Really? How fast?" -

"Twenty males an hour"...

***********************************************

(17 Syllables)

bugger!...

******************************

Any Tom, Dick or
Harry can write a haiku.
Sadly, my name's Jerr...

******************************










(17 Syllables)

[ ]

*******************************

The photo above
was taken by a thief. Dad
took the other ones...

*******************************












('Note the use of colour': 17 Syllables)

"just how fast IS fast?" asked the runner bean...

***********************************

My weight problem? It's
not from eating fast food, it's
from eating food fast...

***********************************












('Cooked in minutes, gone in seconds': 17 Syllables)

**************************************************

Are blueberries and gooseberries
brought up to respect their elderberries?

**************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 14)

she who must be - ignored?...

*******************************

"Too full, Vince!" (When I 

run a bath I always get 

into hot water)

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

trespassers will be prosecuted...

**************************************

Hey, you! Get out of
that hammock! I said "sling your
hook!" not "hook your sling"...

**************************************











(17 Sillybles)

tel: me it isn't so...

*****************************************

"I'm sick of f*cking
cold callers," moaned my wife. "So
stop f*cking them, dear"...

*****************************************











(17 Syllables)

so's dad - so it must have been him!...

*************************************

Blimey! There's so much
booze in our Christmas cake it's
half-cut already!...

*************************************




(17 Syllables)

***********************************************

Time flies, yet it's never read a book
in its life. So why the hell can't I, when
I've been studying gravity for years?...

***********************************************











(Talking of which, why are books about anti-gravity so hard to put down?)

when the topic's the tropics...

************************************

Have you got a fan
in your bedroom? Yes. At least,
she says she's a fan...

************************************










('Tourist groupies':17 Syllables)

unperturbed & breakfast...

*******************************

Jane loves me making
her breakfast in bed. Even
helps balance the stove...

*******************************










(17 Syllables)

if at first you don't succeed, tough!...

**********************************

Judges can't try, try
and try again. Thank God for
double jeopardy!...

**********************************












(17 Syllables)

 ***********************************

"Is jelly a set
meal?" - Yes, if you leave it in
the fridge long enough...

***********************************









(17 Rather Sillybles, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 6)

post-coital, and still touchy-feely?...

*****************************

I thought she might like
a hair of the dog - so I
pawed her a bit more...

*****************************





(talk about heavy petting)






(17 Syllables)

my vet - he's barking, if you ask me...

*********************************

A dog's stool should be
solid. "Just in case someone
wants to sit on it"...

*********************************










(17 Syllables)

3 lines - and a short sentence to follow?...

*************************************

"How do you plead?" asked
the judge. "Guilty, honour your
not." "Out of order!"...

*************************************











(17 Syllables)

 **********************************************

Most people want to leave their mark
on the world. Sometimes it turns out to
be a stain...

**********************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 2)

****************************************

My wife's just bought a racehorse.
Now she's saddled with debt...

****************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 30)