**********************************************

If carnivores wear pork pie hats, do
vegetarians make do with beanies?...

**********************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 28)

especially when cooked by an Irish stewdent?...

************************************

I love fusion food -
you can't beat a good steak &
kidney pie-ella!...

************************************








(17 Syllables)

is there any other type?...

****************************************

That man's rich, handsome
and funny. "Wow! He sounds like
a perfect stranger!"...

****************************************






(17 Syllables)

OK, there's no need to spell it out...

******************************

if you and I have
a : do half-castes have
a ; ?

******************************







(17 Syllables)

an only child in denial...

************************************

I'm the youngest of
three in our family - both my
parents are older...

************************************








(17 Syllables)

*******************************************************

Seeing all those pictures of Gary Lineker
sunning himself in exotic locations, I couldn't
help but wonder: if he were to burn himself
to a crisp, which flavour would he opt for?

*******************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 25)

who'd want to see a mynah inconvenienced?...

*************************************

years ago they sent
canaries down the mine - why
on earth not mynahs?...

*************************************







(17 Syllables)

when (broken) hearts are trumps...

*******************************

divorce: when love and
marriage go together like
a horse and soap dish...

*******************************






(17 Syllables)

it's my wedding - and I'm having a bawl!...

******************************

it's true that some love
affairs end happily - but
most end in marriage...

******************************







(17 Syllables)

Coitus interruptus...

*****************************

I knew someone would
interruptus, but why is
it always Coitus?...

*****************************







("Can I come in?" - "er, NO!": 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Victoria Beckham is as likely to have 'designed' that special edition
Range Rover (news item) as a milliner is to have designed the bonnet...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************

Are the very fittest contortionists, by definition,
the ones who are most out of shape?...

************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 19)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marmite Clarkson: the very definition of middle-age spread...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

lost childhood...

*************************************

I was young once. Well,
twice, to be honest - if you're
counting last Thursday...

*************************************







(17 Sillybles)

the vegetarian option...

****************************************

carnivores can wear
pork pie hats - but vegans should
opt for the beanie...

****************************************






(17 Rather Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why on earth is Love Island on ITV2? It seems far better suited to Channel 4nication...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************************

Harry & Meghan, a modern royal romance (MoS): surely
there hasn't been a better match since Swan met Vesta?...

************************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 16)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Should Brexiteers still deign to eat Christmas dinner with their 'Remainer'
parents this year?" - "Why not? As long as they pass on the Brussels"...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brewhaha: this tea tastes funny...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They ought to give Sean Connery The Order of the Thistle. He's prickly enough...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************************************

Apparently, Kelly Brook thinks she and Monty Don
would make a good gardening combo (Mail). I can see it
all now: HIS and HERbaceous borders - with the emphasis
on hers, of course: the curvaceous herbaceous ones...

**********************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 14)

***********************************************************

If Rebecca Adlington doesn't want to dive
into online dating (Mail), then maybe she
should forsake the swimming pool for the sea.
There are plenty more fish in the sea, Rebecca.
Well, more than in the swimming pool...

***********************************************************



(Name and address supplied (er, 'me'), Daily Mail, July 13)


---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A staircase that will literally put a spring in your step? (Mail).
How about calling it the Fred Astaircase? hahaha...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************************

A cart drawn by two horses will always
be cheaper than one drawn by Picasso...

**************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 13)

of course it does, pet - now go fetch the kids...

**************************************

if a good ref. goes
unnoticed, does that mean I'm
a good haikuist?...

**************************************







(17 Syllables)

*********************************************************************************

A meal without Bisto is like Elizabeth Barrett without browning...

*********************************************************************************


Came up with this years and years ago - recently reminded of it. Still like it (even if no-one else does!)

*********************************************************

Cutting-hedge technology: top-notch shears...

*********************************************************






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 11)

art appreciation...

******************************************

My Picasso's gone
from nought to Pica$$000,000 - in
the blink of a nose!...

******************************************






(17 Syllables)

*****************************************************************

"Doctors get to the bottom of the perfect derriere"
(MoS). As far as I'm concerned, MY favourite
derriere is the London Derriere. I never tire of
listening to it. You probably know it as 'Danny Boy'...

*****************************************************************







(Yvonne Hall (aka 'me'), Mail on Sunday, July 9)

*****************************************************************

Couldn't agree more with Mark Wareham's 4-star
review of Tape Face (Event magazine). Mime's great.
It goes without saying...

*****************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 9)

goodness, gracious, great balls of - cheese?...

******************************

What on earth does a
teetotaller do for Dutch
courage? Eat Edam?...

******************************



(A drop of the hard stuff, you might say!)




(17 Rather Sillybles)

*************************************************************

Of course the public sector pay cap has to be
across the board. Except for those ON the board -
isn't that how it works?...

*************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 7)

******************************************************************

Yoga can be very bad for your eyes, apparently (Mail).
Tell me about it! Seeing granny attempting the
Downward Dog has been VERY bad for mine!...

******************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 6)

***************************************

Level 41
were rubbish. Then they took it
to the next level...

***************************************






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 5)

cats prefer doggerel...

****************************

my cat looks at me
indulgently - he's not a
haiku sort of cat...

****************************







(17 Syllables)

make that "XXXLent"...

***************************

"I'm going on a diet,"
said my wife. 'XXLent
idea,' I muttered...

***************************







(17 Syllables)

*************************************************************

Last week's article 'When Dad Doesn't Cut It'
certainly struck a chord. If you had asked my
kids about their dad post-divorce, they'd probably
have said "the farther the better, the better the
father". At the time, I'm pretty sure I chose to
interpret this as a case of 'absence making the
heart grow fonder'...

*************************************************************





(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 2)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been using edible flowers in the kitchen for years now.
Last week my girlfriend decided to take a leaf out of my book.
And proceeded to eat it. "Probably tastes as good as your
stupid flowers," she said...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

is an Abbacus a Swedish calculator?...

*********************************

An abacus will
never let you down. Ever! -
you can count on it...

*********************************







(17 Syllables)