*****************************************************************

Marathon cheats always get caught in the long run...

*****************************************************************



Naughty, naughty, Stanislaw Skupian...



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 26)

too many courses!...

**************************************

overweight schoolkids? -
maybe they've been given too
much food for thought?...

**************************************



('Making a meal of education': 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eva Peron loved the good life (or 'La Dolc'Evita,' as she called it).
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Orchestral manoeuvres in the dark...

********************************

if music be the
food of love, can I have a
lick of your cornet?...

********************************



('Brass necking': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------
if music be the
food of love, then never say
no to the drumsticks!
-----------------------------------

no strings, OK?...

*****************************************

if music be the
food of love, small wonder flutes
have champagne in them...

*****************************************



(17 Syllables)

No 'His and Hermes' for us, sadly...

********************************

yes, we've got bags of
money - but sadly not one
of them's a Hermes...

********************************



(17 Syllables)

well-read light district...

**********************************

thank heavens we've found
a model tenant - at least,
that's what her sign says...

**********************************



('Model, 1st Floor': 17 Syllables)

********************************************************************

'The farther the better, the better the father?' - When
it comes to Thomas Markle, Kensington Palace
officials probably feel Mexico's not nearly far enough...

********************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 21)

pretty expensive...

**********************************

they may well be called
ugli fruit, but they give me
a handsome profit...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seen on sports news ticker: 'Andy Murray breaks back, wins set'
Wow, only Andy could win a set with a broken back...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

love handles...

**********************************

"Why the spare tyre? Is
it in case you get a flat
stomach? Dream on, lass"...

**********************************



('More 'fat tyre' than flat tyre': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------
Drench warfare: water pistols at dawn!
------------------------------------------------

wrong setting, love?...

***************************************

I asked my wife what
she thought of her vibrator.
"No great shakes," she sighed...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)

there's cutlery - and then there's half-cutlery...

*****************************

Wetherspoons? Perfect
place for Uri Geller to
go on a bender!...

*****************************



('Not sure Whether-ANY-Spoons would approve, mind': 17 Syllables)

stop the world, I want to get off with someone...

**************************************

I think it's great when
people get on - though the bus
keeps having to stop...

**************************************



if you get on with
someone on the bus, you can
get off with them, too..



('Fancy going all the way?': 17 Syllables)

The House of Lordzzzzzzz...

***********************************

Some peers have never
spoken in the Chamber. Not
even in their sleep...

***********************************



('Do not disturb': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------
Dublin Cookery School seeks Irish Stewdents...
---------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************************

The Just A Minute panel only speak for 60 seconds.
Nicholas Parsons once spoke for 11 hours (Mail).
Does that make him a panel beater?...

***************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 13)

settling old scores - by composing new ones?...

**********************************

Don't cross Lloyd Webber -
he'll probably make a song
and dance about it...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went on the 5:2 diet last Monday. Started at 5:2, finished
at quarter past. All I lost was 20 minutes of my life...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

some love stories end happily - others in marriage...

************************************

"Are you certain you
want a fairy-tale wedding
like ours, darling: Grimm?"...

************************************




(17 Syllables)

stepping up to the plate...

***********************************

Pasta jokes? They're ten
a penne (although that's the
only one I know)...

***********************************



(17 Syllables)

or in anything by Lamb or Bacon?...

***************************

who the hell thinks of
casting a vegan actor
in a meaty role?...

***************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
If my bag for life perishes, will I be living on borrowed time?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

run, rabbit, run...

*******************************

if your vibrator
gets off to a shaky start,
you know it's working...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------
Homerphobia: a hatred of The Simpsons...
----------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************************

The secret to a happy relationship is 'give and take',
says Sir David Jason (You magazine). Couldn't agree
more. My wife always gives me her undivided attention,
and I always take it for granted. Works a treat...

*********************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 10)

the correct form of a dress...

*************************************

Confucius, he say:
she who dresses to kill should
wear dress to die for...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)

******************************************************

The highlight of this year's Royal Academy
Summer Exhibition preview? In his multi-
coloured frock: the 50 Shades of Grayson...

******************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 8)

sound advice (as long as the sound's erotic)

**********************************

wives: if you want your
man to be happy when he
makes love, sighs matter...

**********************************



('Who doesn't enjoy cutting his wife down to sighs?': 17 Syllables)

Red Hot Chili Peppers go Latino...

****************************

our salsa's so hot,
we only ever dance to
the Chili Peppers...

****************************



("Burning on the Dancefloor? - we're off the Scoville scale!": 17 Syllables)

********************************************

Pasta jokes? They're two a penne...

********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 6)

****************************************************************

Lord Lloyd-Webber is horrified by his fellow
peers' campaign to thwart Brexit, apparently (Mail).
Trust him to make a song and dance about it...

****************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 5)

I'd go to any lengths to avoid 'em...

*****************************************

Some people are dead
scared of heights - me, I'm afraid
of widths. Can't stand 'em...

*****************************************



(17 Sillybles)

the truth hurts (without lubrication)

*****************************

it's true what they say
about sodomy - "it's an
uncountable noun"...

*****************************



(17 Syllables)

"Capital idea!" (a stupid joke, but it's MY stupid joke)

*************************************

Where do Egyptians
go if they've got a bad back? -
"A Cairopractor?"...

*************************************



(Package holidays: 'there and (ouch, my) back again!': 17 Sillybles)

**************************************************

Maybe footballers should forget about
getting tattoos, and stick to asking for
transfers in future. Less pain all round...

**************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 1)