*********************************

a reliable material witness
should never be suede...

*********************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 17)

are you OK, pet?...

****************************************

yes, therapy dogs
are great - but they still can't do
what a CAT scan can!...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)

right-wing firebrand...

******************************************************

I don't know why Peter Hitchens professes
to despise heat and football - as a firebrand
and right-winger, he has few equals!...

******************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 15)

we enjoyed it no end...

***************************

Schubert's Unfinished
Symphony is simply a
wonderful piece of

***************************



(17 Sillybles)

simulation in football: diving, by any other name...

************************************

Neymar, what a clown!
Talk about being a roll...and
roll...and roll model!...

************************************



(17 Syllables)

*****************************************************************

Fear not, our PM's still flying the flag for Brexiteers.
Trouble is, it's the Double-Cross of St George...

*****************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 12)

the junk food lobby...

*********************************

the one thing you won't
find in the junk food lobby
is a three-piece sweet...

*********************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One thing you'll never find in supermarket 'guilt aisles': Innocent smoothies!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank God for the Gender Equality Act and, er,  public trans port!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************

Happy Hour always leaves me with a bitter taste
in the mouth. Best bitter, if I can afford it...

************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 11)

I'd rather you looked down on me...

**************************************

so "upskirting"s now
a crime? - so much for looking
up old school friends, then!...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)

naturally...

*********************************

homeopathy? -
there's a time and placebo
for everything, mate...

*********************************



(17 Syllables)

how much to construct a daft sentence or two?...

************************************

My sparky's shocking,
my plumber's a drip - but my
builder? What a brick!...

************************************



(17 Syllables)

*****************************************************************

A seedy reality show, or the top seeds at Wimbledon?
I sure know which I'd rather watch...

*****************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 10)

putting on a brave face...

*******************************************

"You might need a skin
graft," they informed me. "No skin
off my nose," I smiled...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)

The Queen's Regiment?...

**********************************************

there's ground beef, of course,
and then there's parade ground beef:
"by the left, quiiick...mince!"

**********************************************



('Beefeaters, by any other name': 17 Syllables)

every night is burns night...

************************************

my wife constantly
burns our dinner - the veg we
eat is always chard...

************************************



(17 Syllables)

**************************************************

Just when you're thinking life's a breeze,
along comes the wind of change...

**************************************************



bugger, just when you're
thinking life's a breeze, along
comes the wind of change...



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 5)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Some commentators are comparing Love Island to
Shakespeare. I can see why. Much ado about nothing...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

a quick plug for my electrician (16 amp)

*************************************

my electrician's
pretty good - it's just that his
bills give me a shock...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)

the butt of many a joke...

*******************************

I don't smoke very
much, really - only when
friends lead me ashtray...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What should a woman wear when she's on her cycle? Pedal pushers?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

no pain, no gain (your pain, my gain!)

**************************************

I'd never really
planned to become a masseur,
but, you know, kneads must...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)

**************************************

Why the lettuce shortage?
"Cos it's too hot for icebergs"...

**************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 4)
----------------------------------------------------------------
The mourning after: a nation grieves for England's
passing. Not to mention its dribbling and shooting...
----------------------------------------------------------------

the lack of tact in tactile...

*********************************

I've changed girlfriends! I
feel a much better person
now (when she lets me!)

*********************************



(17 Syllables)

liquid assets...

***************************************

my wife spends money
like water - last week she spent
about 10 gallons...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)

1p can buy you so much relief...

***************************

if you want to feel
like a million dollars -
just spend a penny...

***************************



(17 Syllables)

Tomato Suppé, anyone?...

********************************************

when the orchestra
went to the shops, you should have
seen their Chopin Liszt!...

********************************************



('Or maybe heard it?': 17 Syllables)

on yer bike!...

********************************

"I love travelling,"
I told the dole people - so
they sent me packing...

********************************



(17 Syllables)

the final chapter: it comes to us all...

**********************************

a family pet
is like a well-written book -
so hard to put down...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)

********************************************

Do homing pigeons with no sense of
direction just have to wing it?...

********************************************



do homing pigeons
with no sense of direction
just have to wing it?...



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 28)

here's one I heard earlier...

*********************************

To see Suggs walking
up your garden path is the
first sign of Madness...

*********************************



(99.8% of these posts are mine, this one is an exception.
It tickled my fancy, and fits neatly into the format)



('Pop corny joke. Sorry, corny pop joke': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
To those who feel Aidan Turner was a bit wooden as Poldark,
all I can say is 'what's wrong with a bit of stripped pine'?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Escape from Alcatraz...

**************************************************************

"Escape from Alcatr..."(typical! - he never finishes
his sentences, whoever hands them down.)

**************************************************************

*************************************************************************

"Cancer's no laughing matter," writes Ileana von Hirsch
(Mail). But - as she herself demonstrates - it certainly can
be. When I had my prostatectomy, my nurses called my
humour very deadpan. "More 'bedpan' at the moment,"
I replied. It's true what they say, laughter really can be the
best medicine. (As a survivor, I'm allowed to joke about it.
13 years ago now.)

*************************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 27)

Jilly Cooper's new project, apparently...

*******************************

"Transgenderella" -
(Just another pantomime
with Aladdin drag?)

*******************************



('A lad in drag': 17 Syllables)