that's my dad for you, bless him...

****************************

"Baking? Piece of cake,
son - not necessarily
a tasty one, though"...

****************************



('Anyone remember Mr Pastry?': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell the difference between fine wine and plonk?
Check whether you're tended to by a sommelier or a plonker...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

do you have an app'ointment?...

**********************************

only go to your
doctor if it's something that
your lubrican't cure...

**********************************



-----------------------------------------
if your lubrican't
cure it, then you should make a
doctor's app-ointment...
-----------------------------------------



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crown Court: why didn't the charges stick? The prosecution didn't have a glue, that's why ...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************

To those who keep going on about
their irrational fear of buttons, I have
but one thing to say: "Zip it!"...

**********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, January 27)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
All female police officers are bent! - Bent on combating
crime just as effectively as their male counterparts...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

words of wisdom (Norman Wisdom, by the look of it)

*******************************************************

If a backpack's has got your name on it, you
shouldn't lose your backpack. If a bullet's got
your name on it, you might lose your life.
Careful what you put your name on!...

*******************************************************

dead lucky!...

************************************

Dad was buried with
his laptop. Who said you can't
take IT with you?...

************************************



('Information Technology': 17 Syllables)

****************************************************

postmen don't get drunk - they just
push the envelope a bit too far at times...

****************************************************


------------------------------------
postmen don't get drunk -
they just push the envelope
way too far at times...
------------------------------------
(17 Syllables)


(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 25)

not fom Bologna, by any chance?...

**********************************

My new boyfriend's called
Spaghet. I have to say, he's
a bit of a dish...

**********************************



('Putting the noodle into canoodle': 17 Sillybles)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
'Nothing Is Impossible': the motto of vegan Beefeaters?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

I knew she had issues - I wonder if they're all like this November one?...

************************************

What! - Jane?...in a porn
mag? (I knew she was in rude
health - but not that rude!)

************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What would you expect to find in a deep fat friary? - "Chipmonks?"...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TV Schedules...

****************************************

'It's the wrong time of
the month and Jill's got no pads!'
(Period drama)

****************************************



(17 Syllables)

***********************************************************

PLASTIC...TIC...TIC...: the fact that the world's
oceans are being treated like a rubbish dump
is nothing less than an ecological time bomb...

***********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 21)

the shoot-out: on the count of three - draw!...

*****************************************

'Artist of the Year'
will be chosen by drawing straws -
with HB pencils...

*****************************************



(17 Syllables)

English as a foreign language...

*************************************

taking the best pears
off a tree - would that still be
called 'cherry-picking'?...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)

The Costa living...

***********************************

El agua's quite dear
in Spain - but not as dear as
el ectricity...

***********************************



('Las utilidades': 17 Very Sillybles)

************************************************

All I had on my CV was 'reformed
arsonist'. It was pretty obvious I hadn't
exactly set the world on fire...

************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 18)

shock doc...

***********************************

our doctor's got a
word for those of a nervous
disposition: "boo!"...

***********************************



(17 Syllables)

the PC brigade...

******************************************

Of course all coppers
are bent. "...on driving out crime,"
they've asked me to add...

******************************************



(17 Syllables)

***************************************************

If you MUST steal a brooch, break it first.
That way, no-one can pin it on you...

***************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 9)

not so much a wife - more a rap-scallion?...

**********************************

my wife cries when she
cuts onions - I cry when she
then makes me eat them...

**********************************



(17 Sillybles)

the clock's ticking...

*******************************

time may be a great
healer, but it's taking its
time with my cancer...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)

******************************************************

"The more bargains you buy, the more
you save," they tell me. I've saved so much,
I'm almost bankrupt!...

******************************************************

not to mention tap dancing (the mixer tap, preferably)

 *****************************

Michael Flatley can
walk on water - so River
dancing's no problem...

*****************************



(17 Syllables)