not if you die laughing...

************************************

is laughter the best
medicine when you're feeling
a bit, er, funny?...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------
Is Mr Potato Head a YouTuber?...
----------------------------------------

rhythm and greens...

********************************

my father often
gets angry, but never sees
red - he's colour blind...

********************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RSVP: not so much pleading for 'merci' as politely asking for it...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Nigel Farage wants to talk turkey (news item). How exactly
will that differ from his usual gobble-gobble-gobbledygook?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************

ice cream vans go from 0 - 30 at quite a lick...

*********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 27)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Brazil has long been known for its nuts. The most
recent of whom is undoubtedly controversial
president Jair Bolsonaro...
-------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************************

If Donald Tusk on his hammock (pictured) tells Boris
to sling his hook, I reckon Boris should just go over
there and unhook his sling. That'll teach him...

***************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 26)
--------------------------------------------------------
Homeopathic ground-up Berlin Wall dust?
(news item). Must be a barrier cream, haha...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The brilliant Headingley Ashes Test: one thing about Jack
Leach: he's guaranteed to give you a run for your money.
And sometimes, like at Headingley, one's enough!...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************

It's vital "for MPs to stand firm behind our
PM," you write (MoS). Of course it is. How
else can they stab him in the back?...

***************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 25)
-------------------------------------------
Do the colour blind ever see red?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What colour do the colour blind see when they get angry?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Great Presidents leave a mark on the world. Others leave a stain.
On a dress, in Bill Clinton's case...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thought for the day...

**************************************

is there a vegan alternative to
the milk of human kindness?...

**************************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I hereby order sweet and sour pork and kung pao chicken.
Anything, in fact - as long as it's Chinese! (I ordered it
an hour ago - it should be hereby now, haha...)
(In response to Trump 'hereby ordering' American
companies to cut their ties to China.) T**t!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

'on line banking'? - theft, more like...

***********************************************

"Empty your pockets!"
screamed the two clothes pegs as they
held up my trousers...

***********************************************



('Hung out to dry': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do climate change activists feel under the weather as they're
constantly having to worry about the weather they're under?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Putting the 'Mad' into Madagascar...

***************************************

Corporal, tell me
what this long-fingered lemur's
called. - "Aye-aye, captain"...

***************************************



('Daubentobia madagascariensis': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------
Never mind 'a bird in the bush...', is an aye-aye
in the hand worth two in the ha-ha?...
----------------------------------------------------------

Edinburgh Festival Fringe...

***************************************************

Swede tells broccoli/cauliflower joke at
Edinburgh and wins 'best gag' title. That's
probably funnier than the gag itself!...

***************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 21)
-------------------------------------------------------------
There's a special offer on budgerigars at the local
pet shop this week: buy one, set one free...
-------------------------------------------------------------

ugli fruit - handsome profit?...

*****************************************************

ugli fruit are pretti expensive these days...

*****************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 20)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
At his music college, Ed Sheeran got an F in everything
(news item). An F in everything? That's effin' ridiculous...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

cutting out the middle man...

*******************************************

talented artists
draw their own pensions - and boy,
they're realistic...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
So the Royal Air Force is to allow airmen to sport beards?
(news item). Neatly trimmed, I assume. No riff-RAF!...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

broccoli, cauliflower & a Swede...

***********************************************************

Broccoli wins 'best gag' title at Edinburgh fringe
festival (news item). Possibly because it makes
people gag quicker than any other veg?...

***********************************************************



(The winning joke: 'I keep randomly shouting out "broccoli" and
"cauliflower" - I think I might have florets'. Comedian: Olaf Falafel.
And he's a Swede! - that's probably funnier than the joke itself!)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Corbyn: "I'll be the new Thatcher" (news item).
Talk about an apocalipstick vision of the future!...
-------------------------------------------------------------

louder and louder! (or gouda and gouda?)

**********************************************

Jane had to let off
steam. "Edam!" she screamed. I could
tell she was cheesed off...

**********************************************



('Double Dutch': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------
God knows why they installed a helter skelter in
Norwich Cathedral - and He's the boss, right?...
-----------------------------------------------------------

energy conservation...

********************************

I do nothing to
conserve energy, and you
can't do more than that...

********************************



('The Inactive Activist': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Donald Trump doesn't believe in climate change. The
guy's environ MENTAL!...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Eating apples really can help protect you from cancer
(news item). I believe it's called cores and effect. The
more cores, the greater the effect...
------------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************************

So many celebrity micro marriages! It seems
'till death us do part' has been replaced by "till
Tuesday next after breakfast, pet"...

**********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 15)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seeded bloomer or a sliced white? As a general rule of thumb,
the less seedy the bread, the more seedy the area, I find...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

dinner thyme...

******************************

Last night I had pork
with rosemary and basil.
Just the three of us...

******************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------
Where do arable farmers sow their wild oats?
-------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************

Great art always asks questions. "What the 
f**k are you looking at?", that's one of them.
Great art can be quite grumpy at times...

*******************************************************
-----------------------------------------------------------
My brother's an architect, so of course he's well-
built - he sourced the materials himself...
-----------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************

Yo-yo dieting will be the death of me - just how
many of these darned things can one man eat!...

************************************************************



(far too stringy, haha...)



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 13)
-------------------------------------------------
Having a butcher's at the fishmonger's
doesn't mean you can buy meat there...
-------------------------------------------------

not a fan...

****************************

Tracey Emin? She's
as pretty as a picture -
one of hers, sadly...

****************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I also had a haunted house (news item). Someone kept
shouting "fore!". Turned out to be an Ian Poultergeist...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

I need to save MONEY - not the world!...

*********************************

eco-friendly's one
thing - eco-nomical, that's
way more important!...

*********************************



('I'm more 'eco-worrier' than eco-warrior, me': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the drinks at arms maker Gaston Glock's bash were served in shot
glasses (news item), was it one of his guns that shot them?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"going far, dad?"...

******************************

My dad left his house
today. His solicitor
wouldn't say to whom...

******************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top private schools are 'awash with Class A drugs', apparently
(news item). And dilated pupils, presumably, haha...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************************************

He may be a master baker, but Paul Hollywood is no
roll model - be it granary, rye bread or multigrain!...

*****************************************************************

************************************************************************

So Fergie and Meghan are both writing books? A case of
'the greater their royal ties, the greater their royalties'?...

************************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 9)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is a Marmite PM really the man to deal with bread and butter problems?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************

When it comes to growing carrots,
it pays to know your onions...

******************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 7)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it so hard to see your GP? (news item). Poor
vision, in my case. Macular degeneration. Can't even
see him when he's right in front of me, haha...
----------------------------------------------------------------

the judiciary, by any other name...

******************************

who the heck can judge
if you're anti-semitic? -
the jewdiciary?...

******************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why was the hat Geoffrey Boycott challenged Jonathan
Agnew to eat live on air a straw one? Surely a bowler would
have been more appropriate? Preferably an Australian one!...
(it's a cricket thing)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

yes, this verse may be pants - but they're special pants...

*******************************************

women who don't quite
know what the 'pelvic floor' means
are Tena penny...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
So many mass shootings in the States. US gunshop
owners must be as loaded as the guns they sell...
-------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************************************

Simon Cowell's weight loss apparently involves
cutting out meat, dairy, sugar and gluten (MoS).
Sadly, Simon and I live in financially very different
worlds. MY diet involves cutting out money-off
coupons - as many as I can lay my hands on!...

**************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 4)

*******************************************

Ashes to Ashes, dust-up to dust-up!
Let battle commence!...

*******************************************



"Win the urn, urn the win!" (it's a cricket thing)



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 2)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The chances of the EU tearing up the deal they agreed with Mrs
May are about as great as me tearing up the MI. Without a car.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************

yo-yo dieting's
not much fun at all, really -
they're far too stringy...

*********************************

two's company, three's a no-no...

****************************************

asking girls for a
threesome's fine (but if they say
no, you can't foursome)

****************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------
Yes, sleepwalking can be dangerous. But rarely
is there any call for a somnambulance...
----------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************

Abridge Too Far: biopic about cut-throat editor...

************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 30)

*************************************************************

the difference between a vegetarian diet and a
poor diet is the difference between having to cut
out meat or having to cut out coupons...

*************************************************************



"vegetarians cut out meat - the poor cut out coupons," VH.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
If the man who delivers your letters dies unexpectedly,
is there a 1st or 2nd Class post mortem?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

********************************************************

It seems not all the furniture that went into
No.10 at the taxpayer's expense is brand new
(news item). A scruffy dresser has been seen
going in there, too, haha...

********************************************************


Sorry, Boris...


(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 28)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Supermarkets recall chicken dippers due to health fears
(news item). I recall them, too - they were horrible...
--------------------------------------------------------------------