Did I pick my nose as a kid? No, I was born with it...

***************************

Long noses run in

the family. Especially

when it's very cold...

***************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------

HALF A LOAF IS BETTER THAN NAAN - but the 

latter goes better with curry...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

To whom it may concern: you took away Barry Humphries, and

now you've taken away Len Goodman. Isn't it about time a BAD 

guy or two passed away? It's all too depressing...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, April 30)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aye up, lad...

***************************************

We don't eat much tripe

these days - seems we prefer to

watch it on TV...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not many of us eat tripe these days - it seems we prefer to watch it on TV.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 26)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shouldn't they be coming up for air?...

********************************

Just how long can an

in-depth interview with a

deep-sea diver last?...

********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 31)

('What channel?': 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If perimenopausal hot flushes don't do it for you, try the PERI-

PERI menopausal ones - they're just that little bit hotter.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

So the new Justice Secretary is Alex Chalk? Well,

at lest he'll be whiter than white...#DominicRaab

--------------------------------------------------------------

Indigestion? Forget it!...

*************************************

Milk of Amnesia's

great. I can't remember when 

I last had heartburn...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

Wow, Charles is worth almost £2billion! (That's

***KING RICH in anyone's language)

----------------------------------------------------------------

"A penny for your thoughts," playwright Jack Thorne

asked director Sam Mendes when it came to casting

the role of Elizabeth Taylor at the National Theatre.

"Could you make it Tuppence?" replied Sam...

And a star was born  #TuppenceMiddleton

----------------------------------------------------------------

The Nag's Head, 8:30pm...

***********************************************

"My name's Tom, by the

way" - "Mine's Pete. Nice to meet you,

Mr Bytheway"...

***********************************************

(Miss Understanding: 17 Rather Sillybles)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it only fat cats who can afford to fly (business class)

off the handle whilst others merely lose their rag in economy?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

F*ck me, up to 730 more hours of TV adverts a year? Talk 

about ad after ad after ad infinitum. Or do I mean nauseam?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cost of living crisis...

*****************************************

You know times are tough

when lumberjacks cut down their 

own family trees...

*****************************************

(Self-harmers: 17 Syllables)

Start 'em young...

********************************

I started singing

at 5. I was so bad I'd

stopped by quarter past...

********************************

(17 Sillybles)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd forgotten what a quadratic equation was, so I looked it up.

Apparently, it's a second-order polynomial equation in a 

single variable x ax2 + bx + c = 0, with a ≠ 0.

Just as I thought.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pi AND CHIPS - a mathematician's favourite meal (£3.141592?)

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 18)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Must remember to buy some Kleenex...

*********************************

I came into some

money recently. (Couldn't 

find any tissues)

*********************************

I came into some

money recently. God, I 

hate innuendos...

(17 Syllables)

The End Of The World Is Nisi...

************************************************

My wife found it hard to ignore

(The sound of my deafening snore)

"It's decibel HELL!"

She'd yell and she'd yell...

Then threw me right out of the door.

************************************************

'The Sound of 'Sound Asleep'

A hot (mis)spell...

******************************

WEATHER SUMMERY -

today it will be pleasant 

and sunny till dusk...

******************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 11: 17 Syllables)

 

************************************************

Ironically, being a comedian is only

murder when no-one dies of laughter...

************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 5)

Mi Liebe Femme...

********************************

My wife's a roly

polyglot. And that's 'fat' in

anyone's language...

********************************

(8/9/2010: 17 Syllables)