It's what I do...

**************************************

As I sat down to

watch paint dry, I put on a

new coat. Watched that, too...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

Spreading the joy! (?)...

************************************

A trouble shared is

a trouble halved. The reverse

applies to haiku...

************************************

(By putting this one

out there, I'm sure I'll attract

the odd troll or two...)

(17 Syllables)

Doh! (re mi...?)

**********************************

I'd like to end on

a positive note, and I

think I've found the one: 🎵

**********************************

(The musical note

here is silent, just like the

in 'c' in 'indictment')

(17 Syllables) 

There's always the local charity shop...

**********************************

I've so much love, but

nowhere to put it - should I 

just give it away?...

**********************************

(nowhere to put it? -

here's an idea: why not get

yourself a tallboy?)

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

According to my gardening manual, Boots did the right

thing by lopping off a few of its branches just before the

onset of winter... (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Dec. 28)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Life, eh?...

***********************************

I've lived, I've loved, shared 

a whisky and tears  - and it's

still only Tuesday...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

patience is a virtue...

*********************************

as taking offence 

becomes the hobby for all,

laughter waits its turn...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

Gotcha!...

**********************************

I had a chance to

play the trumpet today, but

I blew it.............LOUDLY!

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

I should have tucked it under the saddle...

******************************

I put a fiver

on a horse today - but it

blew off in the wind...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

Even though there's no profit in a haiku?

****************************************

In haiku, as in

business, what it comes down to

is the bottom line...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

News item in the papers today...

**************************************

John Cleese claims to have

killed a man. "Was it murder...

or mans laughter, John?"

**************************************

(He died of laughter in the audience, allegedly)

(17 Syllables)

***************************************

Living within a

stone's throw of anything's quite risky these days. Thugs.

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

If found to have committed a crime, could Baroness Mone

end up behind bras?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 21)

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, December 24)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The wrong shade of white...

******************************

My wife's wanting a

divorce. Apparently, I

don't match the decor...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

[E] [G] [G] [S]

**************************************************

Scrabbled eggs: they're more

than just a square meal, they're a 

SQUARE, SQUARE, SQUARE, SQUARE one!

**************************************************

(17 Syllables)

a fish supper...

***************************************

"where should I pour the

tartare butter sauce, luv?" - "all

over the plaice, dear"...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

Whatever it was, it must have been pretty bad...

*******************************

If we're getting the

politicians we deserve, 

what did we do wrong?...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

I'm beginning to feel like one - or is it arthritis?...

**********************************

How old must you be

before you can call yourself

an elder statesman?...

**********************************

A perfect match...

*************************************

My better half? It's 

the SECOND half - it's then that

I normally score...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

I want this one done by tea, please...

*********************************

I don't write these things

myself. The butler does. It

saves me so much time...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I bet chicken feet taste fowl (edited from I'm a Celeb observation)

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 14)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Variety? It ain't the spice of MY life!...

*********************************

Pork chops? AGAIN? My

wife should be on the telly.

Nothing but repeats!...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

Samantha Barks - IMDb....

***************************************

You sing louder than

our dog barks! - (but not better

than Samantha Barks)

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

Three score years and tennis...

*******************************

The older I get,

the older I WANT to get -

no point stopping now!...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

A pencil dress that needs no sharpening...

******************************************

Do blunt people wear

sharp clothes to make up for their

inadequacies?...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

Covid-19 inquiry...

-------------------------------------

Well-bread PM to

be grilled on Monday. Sure to

be toast by Tuesday?...

--------------------------------------

Do tents count?...

*******************************

Mansion, terrace, flat

or semi? - Is this REALLY

what we're defined by?...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

Though, ironically, this haiku has NO title...

*********************************

Never Say Di - she

was 'Diana, Princess of 

Wales', if you don't mind...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

The Six O'Clock News...

=============

Another bomb, three

girls scream. Pen in hand, cat on

lap, I watch. Involved.

---------- o ----------

MASSIVE blast, a house

destroyed. Pen in hand, cat on

lap...what price haiku?

---------- o ----------

Still life (but only just)

**************************************

Lucky the artist

who draws blood: all he has to

do is rub it out...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

good point - unnecessarily well made...

*********************************

a pencil doesn't

have to be that sharp if it

intends to draw blood...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

50 shades of red...

*****************************************

An artist who wants

to draw blood should first decide

on the right colour...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

autumnal silence...

---------- o ----------

a final leaf takes 

leave of the bough, and lays down

its life with a ssshhh... 🍃

---------- o ----------

a quiet, unheard by

others, yet louder still...than

those who shed no tears...

---------- o ----------

(17 Syllables...x 2)

=============================================================

PERFECT STRANGERS...

---------------------------------

Say hello to happiness by chatting to strangers, my newspaper tells me.

Tell you what, it works! Someone came up to me yesterday to complain

about the weather. "Do you always speak to strangers?" I asked.

"Only perfect ones," he replied. Best compliment I've had in years!

=============================================================

Marriage vows...

************************************

Did you just say "till

dawn do us part," pet? - I was

hoping for longer...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

"Well, that explains the inferiority complex," sighed my shrink...

********************************

I'm a humorous

haiku, me: just seventeen

rather sillybles...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

We've all been there, right?...

******************************************

Laugh? Tears were running

down my trousers! (At least, that's

what I told myself)

******************************************

(17 Syllables)