"not from Planet Hollywood's cheeseboard, you won't!"...

******************************

if music be the
food of love, then I'll settle
for some Hard Roquefort...

******************************








- cheesy music takes on a whole new meaning...




(17 Syllables)

more stir-fry than Stephen Fry - or just plain half-baked?...

**************************

I hate logic - for
no reason at all, really...
That's probably why.

**************************












(17 Syllables)

my sense of direction - it's gone west (or is it south?)

***************************

I took a course in
orienteering. And failed.
It was the wrong course...

***************************








- probably the one time I hadn't been told to get lost...



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix - just an old favourite of mine which came up in conversation the other day, now included for nostalgic reasons)

from nuclear reactors to over-reactors? - let's hope so...

***************************

"atmosfear" - you can
sense it when radiation
gets into the air...

***************************







- here's hoping very few clouds have need of that silver lining...




I was in Sendai some years ago; loved Japan - my heart goes out to them. There are no words - how do you describe the indescribable?...



(17 Syllables)

Teacher's whisky...

*******************************************

when I was at school,
booze went straight to my Head: he'd
confiscate the lot...

*******************************************







(he was probably the only guy I knew whose pupils were both taught and dilated)




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

not all love stories end happily - some end in marriage...

*****************************************

"Good things come to those
who wait," she thought, sadly. "Like
death, for example"...

*****************************************








- and she didn't care whose...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

oodles of canoodles...

******************************

 my dreams are so wet, 

I'm now an expert in white

-water canoodling...

****************************** 

 ('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

togetherness is...

************************************

'a trouble shared is
a trouble halved' - "well, except
for His and Herpes"...

************************************









...talking of which (true story) I once saw a classified advertisement in a local Canadian paper which read 'bi-curious couple with herpes seek similar'.

Temptation comes in many forms...



(17 Syllables)

you might get hammered afterwards, mind - with luck...

************************************

unfortunately,
when a rawlplug needs a screw,
size IS everything...

************************************












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

turn right, turn left - turn over...

****************************

he who only drives
from A to B has no need
of an A to Z...

****************************









- Economy drives: where will they all end? (At 'B', presumably)



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

having 'em off - it sure stops them having IT off...

*****************************************************

I had my dogs orcastrated
yesterday. They made quite a noise, of course -
but always in tune...


*****************************************************








- yet more recruits to the 'members only' chihuahua club (so to speak)




(17 Syllable version)

Orchastrating dogs -
it's just great! (They'll yelp, of course -
but always in tune)

Edgar Rice Burroughs. Hares, however, don't.

*****************************

a hare causes damage
wherever it can -
but can't always manage
where leveret can...

*****************************











- OK, so they don't burrow, but they still get under your skin - seems they can get under anything...

hierachy? - or 'no higher'achy?...

*********************************

the one overhead
businesswomen can't budget
for's the glass ceiling...

*********************************











(17 Syllables)

Red Nose Day, March 18...

********************************

"better to blow your
money on a nose than your
nose on money, right?"...

********************************








give generously - like my old mattress...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

spaghetti junction...

********************************

if your sat nav says
you've come to a fork in the
road, don't pick it up...

********************************








(junctions - they may be tough, but there's no need to make a meal of'em)




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Ouch! - that'll be the ones round the ears, then...

*************************************

when she's warned you twice:
"just neck and lips!" beware her
menstrual cycle clips...

*************************************








(there are days when even the town bike doesn't pedal her wares)



(17 Syllables)

the idle rich...

******************************

"no, I don't love my
body - I get someone else
to do it for me"...

******************************









- never mind figure-hugging dresses - it's figure-hugging men I need (as long as the figure's mine, of course)





(17 Syllables)

a little stiff from Badminton...

******************************************

the sad fact about
most inquests is that they're 'why?'s
after the event...

******************************************












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

putting the syn into 'synonym'...

*************************************************************
--------- Musical Synonyms and Antonyms -----

GARY GLITTER (noun) - disgraced glam-rock singer

-------------------------------------------

ANTONYM:.....Much-respected Classical Orchestra.

SYNONYM:.....One Man. Banned.

*************************************************************











-

windbags bag wind - it's what they do...

--------------------------------------------

you two carry on
shooting the breeze - I'm off to
fetch my air rifle...

--------------------------------------------












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the key to a good marriage - best keep a duplicate...

***********************************************

 

Wedlock or padlock?

Same difference - they're both damned 

hard to get out of... 

 *********************************************** 

 (Ball & Chain: 17 Syllables)

horse-drawn coaches & hand-drawn mice...

*********************************

Mickey Mouse sure draws
the crowds - but who exactly
draws Mickey these days?...

*********************************








"unwanted lines? - who needs botox when an eraser will do," says Mickey...




('Putting The Cartoon Before The Hordes': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

flour-power...

******************************

who the heck needs a
nanny when the bun in the
oven's self-raising?...

******************************








- so that's what's meant by 'bread in captivity'...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

not a member of the Respect Party, then?...

*************************************

"I felt a bit of
a twit on the sofa last
night". "Which bit?" "Her boobs"...

*************************************








- whispering three-piece suite nothings in her ear, no doubt...




(17 Syllables)

pretty X Factor Judgemental, I'd say...

**********************************

that Dannii Minogue, I
don't trust her - her ii's are far
too close together...

**********************************







- "love the subtle eye shadow, though, pet," says Cheryl...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

first course, main course, damp course...

********************************************

what could go better
with cottage pie than a (single-storey?)
house wine?...

********************************************







- wouldn't even have to be fortified. much...




(17 Syllables)

John Galliano: putting the 'rant' into 'restaurant'...

*******************************

if there's one thing cross
dressers just love, it's even
crosser designers...

*******************************











- must be the latest 'fashion': anti-Semitic and very public hissy-fits over coffee (news item) ...











(17 Syllables)

she looks great in a Mini...

*************************************

Love my wife? She drives
me to drink, mate. Picks me up
at closing time, too...

*************************************





----------------- and, with reference to the current Libyan crisis -----------------





***********************************

these 'no-fly zones' - aren't
they what we in the West tend
to call 'butchers' shops'?...

***********************************




Great idea, Prime Minister - not sure the local denizens would be able to cope with the shock, though...




(17 Syllables)

where the mind can fly (and the TV's Sky)

********************************

those of us building
castles in the air seldom
have need of breeze blocks...

********************************








"Blocks of breeze and Sky TVs"? - they don't call me Walter-Wall Mitty for nothing, sadly...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

my moral compass: it's gone west! (or is it east?)

**********************************

stay on the straight and
narrow all your life, and you'll
just go round the bend...

**********************************








- yippee-i...oh, dear me - better make that 'south'...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Haha, dead funny. Not...

----------------------------------

no-one yet who has
opted for cremation has
lived to regret it...

----------------------------------












(17 Syllables)