*******************************************************************

"I bet you £100 you can't do this," said my wife, on
reading about Kate Garraway's 'two-week sex challenge'.
Sadly, she won. I was, indeed, 'two weak'...

*******************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, February 26)

another quiet night in(dia, anyone?)

******************************

I fear I'll never
get to see the Taj Mahal -
I'm Agraphobic...

******************************








('Agra, Uttar Pradesh, India': 17 Syllables)

********************************************************************

Why is it only women who are into gender stereotyping?...

********************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 24)

***************************************

What did I study at Oxford? The
A5, the A62, the M1 and the M4 -
I was a Roads Scholar...

***************************************

***************************************************************

Is making love in your nineties really better than in
your fifties? (News item). Maybe. But nothing beats
making love in your onesies! (Far too cold these days)

***************************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 20)

Isle of Man - a very, very rich man, indeed...

****************************************

Necker Island: not
so much 'sun, sea and sand' - more
'sun, see and be seen'...

****************************************








('The British Virgin, the US Virgin and the Richard Virgin Islands': 17 Syllables)

the cold one, I believe...

************************************

Jane threw the kitchen
sink at me. "Missed!" Did get a
tap on the head, though...

************************************







(17 Syllables)

at least I'm not on the shelf...

***************************************

Jane reads me like a
book - licks her fingers when she
turns me over, too...

***************************************










(' Bedtime stories': 17 Far Too Sillybles)

Ayia Napa travel advisory...

*********************************************

"Only take what you're
prepared to lose, Jane." Jane packed
her virginity...

*********************************************









(17 Syllables)

too much 30, not enough love...

**********************************

Just eight semis in
two years? Not much of a sex
life, Andy Murray...

**********************************








(17 Very Sillybles)

**************************************************************************

I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?...

**************************************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail. February 17)

1947 - ?

*******************************

I might be getting
on a bit - but hey, it beats
having to get off...

*******************************










(17 Syllables)

they're inseparable...

******************************

my father-in-law
loves his liver - "it's very
close to my heart, son"...

******************************









(17 Syllables)

*************************************************************

My daughter has just bought a Gucci-style handbag
from M&S for £15. I asked her how much money
she'd saved by not buying the real thing. "Bags!" she
replied. As the Gucci version costs £715, "over
46 bags!" would have been nearer the mark. (Any
resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is
purely coincidental)

*************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, February 12)

*********************************************************************

Prison inmate uses soap to slip his handcuffs off and escape
(news story yesterday). Talk about a clean getaway!...

*********************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 9)

*************************************

there's one thing that can't
be preserved when pickled, and
that's your dignity...

*************************************









(17 Syllables, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 9)

just spell it out, doctor...

**********************************

if you don't have a
typewriter, how can you type
2 diabetes?...

**********************************










(17 Syllables)

*****************************************************

No wonder they're called refuse collectors.

Whenever I ask ours to come more than once 

a fortnight, they refuse...

*****************************************************

not so hard rock?...

if lead's a soft and
malleable heavy metal,
why the lead guitar?...

the great acrylamide food scare...

****************************************

rhyming slang's got it
spot on: eat too much burnt toast,
you'll end up brown bread...

****************************************











(17 Syllables)

*****************************************************************

When I watch Mastermind and University Challenge on
TV, I am almost always baffled. My ignorance depresses
me. When I watch Donald Trump on TV, I am almost
always baffled. His ignorance depresses me...

*****************************************************************

25, I believe (that's a lot of paper boys)

*******************************

how many page boys
must you bundle together
to make one quire boy?...

*******************************









(17 Syllables)

best of three?...

*********************************

two heads are better
than one (if it's a toss you've
really got to win!)

*********************************









('My trusty old two-headed coin': 17 Syllables)

*******************************************************

So Pippa Middleton's wedding cake may well
be a Peggy Porschen creation. Seeing as these
cakes start at £25 a slice, no wonder they call
it 'Porschen control'...

******************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, February 5)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
State visit responsibilities (Trump): "we can't go on ducking 'em, so invite
him to Buckingham - for only the moral should stay at Balmoral"...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************************

"I'm leaving you," said the clairvoyant. "That tryst
 you're going to have next month is the final straw"...

***************************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 3)

fun for all the family: his and herbal medicine...

**************************************

We've just discovered
herbal medicine! - Thyme heals
everything! Who knew?...

**************************************









(17 Syllables)

********************************************************

If you buy a painting by a registered
post-impressionist, do you have to sign for it?...

********************************************************

*****************************************************

As words go, oxymoron is a pretty ugly one...

*****************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 31)