she brought him up once - now he's reciprocated...

***************************************

no point digging up
the past, son - put gran's coffin
back in the ground, lad...

***************************************



(17 Sillybles)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If slouching makes learning more difficult (Mail), how
ironic is it that those bent on success have to sit upright!...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************

OK, so impressionist Jon Culshaw never
got that job on the local mushroom farm he
craved, but he did become a fun guy!...

******************************************************


(As old as the hills, I know - but it fitted so well)


(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 12)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Me? Use gender-neutral language? No f*cqueen chance!...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

do I have to (Jimmy) Choos?...

*************************************

wouldn't swap my man
for the world - but I might for
a great pair of heels!...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Brexit negotiations are going nowhere fast. Very,
very fast. Surprised no-one's been done for speeding...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

engagement ring - wedding ring - boxing ring...

****************************

wearing boxers helps
fertility - marrying
one helps confirm it...

****************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------
If 'model-cum-activist' describes Lily Cole (Mail),
would 'cum-model-activist' describe a porn star?...
--------------------------------------------------------------

bank holiday? - let's make a meal of it!...

**********************************************

first course, second course,
golf course: the perfect three-course
meal, if you ask me...

**********************************************



('And don't forget the sand wedges!: 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the point of watching blue movies if you're colour blind?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boris Johnson's language may be florid, but, hey - across the
pond in Mar-a-Lago, Trump's is even Florida, haha...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

well, that's a relief...

***********************************************

'Friendly' fire, you say? -
does that mean those crosshairs aren't
THAT cross, after all?...

***********************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Mums even have to compile 'to-do lists' while having sex,'
writes Liz Jones. "Is that what's known as conjugal writes, Liz?"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

as daft as a brush - a 5" paintbrush...

***********************************

Mr Bit, Painter
& Decorator. "Look!...up
there!...you missed a bit!...

***********************************



('Totally unrelated to Messrs Bean & Gone & Dunnit. Badly': 17 Sillybles)
-------------------------------------------------------
Married oarsmen - are they always rowing?...
-------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************

"I'm a photographer!" snapped Brooklyn
Beckham. (Slightly out of focus. Typical!)

***************************************************

**************************************************************

"Airports are a trigger for me," says actor
Jonathan Rhys Meyer of his drunkenness (MoS).
('Terminal illness' takes on a whole new meaning!)

**************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 5)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bread and drip...drip...dripping? Yet again? "Fix the menu!"
Gove tells his wife before his meeting with the water firms...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

World's first trillion-dollar public company...

**********************************

to think I sold all
my Apple shares years ago -
what an iDiot!...

**********************************



('Shaken to the Corp.': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After relaxing the language tests, there's been a pronounced surge in
foreign nurses in the UK. Rather badly pronounced, by all accounts, haha...(Mail)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twix are miles better (but maybe not 26.2188 miles better)

***************************************

I've just finished my
first marathon! (Though I think
they're called snickers now.)

***************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
With the weather so hot these days, I've now got a fan in
the bedroom. No idea who she is, or where she's from...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************************

At £900, JK7, the world's priciest face cream's motto
should read "we take from the rich and apply to the
pore" (just one pore at a time, at that price, haha!)...

*******************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 1 - but edited to within an inch of its life, sadly)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's going to get easier to see a dentist, apparently (Mail).
"Not if you've got macular degeneration, it's not. It's not
getting easier to see anything!"...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

dovetail joint membership always available...

*******************************

What's the best thing for
a carpenter to do to
keep fit? Joiner gym!

*******************************



(17 Very Sillybles)
----------------------------------------------------------
This heatwave's playing havoc with my sense of
humour - I've never known it be so dry...
----------------------------------------------------------

Some Like It Hot...

*****************************************

"To summer!" - Raise a
toast! Toast the rays! - "To never-
ending sunny days!"...

*****************************************



(17 Gloriously Sweaty Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
When we were married, we had chemistry. Now we're
divorced, we've got history. Whatever next? Double French?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************************

Apt photo of Macca posing on that zebra crossing (Mail).
Middle of the road - always was, always will be...

*********************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 26)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They should have called the new Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again
soundtrack "Abbacus." (They could have counted on it - to get to No 1!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***********************************************

Snooker players must tire easily - they
always seem to be in need of a rest...

***********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 25)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I've retired from snooker, " he said. "The rest is history!"...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

listing ships can be dangerous - listing tennis players is much more fun!

---------------------------------
Listing ships can be
dangerous - listing tennis
players? Much more fun!...(17 Rather Sillybles)
---------------------------------

Sharapova,
Kvitova,
Pliskova,
Alexandrova,
Stefkova,
Gavrilova,
Pavlyuchenkova,
Vondrousova,
Cibulkova,
Kozlova,
Allertova,
Blinkova,
Makarova,
Safarova,
Sevastova,
Siniakova,
Rybarikova,
Smitkova,
Tomova,
Schmiedova,
Kusmova,
Kusnetsova,
Strycova...

...that's a lot of 'ova's!

- wasn't sure whether I was watching Wimbledon or a Twenty20 cricket match!...

is there a branch near you?...

******************************************

money doesn't grow
on trees, just treasure - when it's
berried, you'll see it...

******************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
if you think pageantry is archaic and demeaning
to women, what does that say about page3antry?...
---------------------------------------------------------------

and caps, of course - petrol caps...

*******************************

there's nothing auto-
milliners like to do more
than make car bonnets...

*******************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dad's a petrolhead, mum's a milliner - so they've gone
into business making car bonnets and petrol caps...
------------------------------------------------------------------

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?...

************************************

if there's no money
in making hats, who wants to
be a milliner?...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dumbo in the Jumbo: there's a rogue elephant in Air Force One!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Words Save Lives (organ donation slogan)

***************************************

Whilst words can form a
sentence, 'no words' can form a
death sentence. Donate...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kingsley Amis claims he spent 50 years chained to an idiot (his
libido). I'm pretty sure some ageing women, when hospitalised
occasionally, are just as relieved to be attached to a drip who's
not their husband for once...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************************************

"The speech of a statesman," said Rees-Mogg of Boris.
A hell of a statesman, maybe. But not a hell of a leader -
unless we want to end up in a hell of a state...

**********************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 20)
--------------------------------------------------------------
More than ever now, what this country needs is a
decisive PM. What we've got is a Theresa Maybe...
--------------------------------------------------------------

more bang for your buck...

*****************************************

if you're a gun for
hire, it might help if your name's
name's double-barrelled...

*****************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
I like to put ketchup or mayonnaise on my chips.
Seems Tiger Woods prefers to put some spin on his.
---------------------------------------------------------------

clearing the air...

********************************

falling out with your
father's a great way to do
a tandem skydive...

********************************



('Skydivers: down-to-earth types': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------
Cereal promiscuity: sowing your wild oats...
------------------------------------------------------

beware the terror wrist...

*************************************

"I've got a great right
hook." - So's Abu Hamza. Stop
going on about it...

*************************************



('Need a hand, mate?': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, I do love my own company. Why else would I be a major shareholder?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

give us this day our daily milk...

**********************************************

if a single goat
gives me two pints, how much would
a married goat give?...

**********************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If a burglar did indeed fall into a paddling pool, would
it cause a crime wave? Or merely a few ripples? (Mail)
-------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************

Was there ever any doubt Harry Kane would
win the Golden Boot? He was a shoo-in...

******************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 18)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What food would you serve at a black tie dinner? Black Thai rice?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dominatrix required...

******************************************

smart car, smart phone, smart
meter - someone come round and
make my bum smart, too!...

******************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Stop using tap water on my garden? What about on my food?"
asked gran. "I'd miss my bread and drip...drip...dripping!" (Mail)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's just their cup of tea...

************************************

chain-smokers love to
wake up with fags and a cup
of cough...cough...coughee...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------
A funeral DVD for £50? Get the biers in!
-------------------------------------------------

I'm dying for a coffee...

**********************************

when the end is nigh:
'outpatient...inpatient...on
the way out patient'...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------
No wonder Jordan Pickford's being toasted -
He's the best thing since sliced bread!...
------------------------------------------------------

it could cost me an arm and a legacy...

***********************************

where there's a way, there's
a will - that tries to avoid
inheritance tax...

***********************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Never mind teaching kids right from wrong. Teaching
them right from left would be a start...
-----------------------------------------------------------------