**************************************************

If you're not sure which approach works
best, carrot or stick, then but some carrot
sticks. Works every time!...

***************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 26)

my sense of direction's gone west - or is it east?...

********************************

"I've got no sense of
direction," I told my wife -
then right left away...

********************************



(17 Syllable)
--------------------------------------------------
Is a mule an ass? Well, a drugs mule is...
--------------------------------------------------

taking the gum out of gumshoe...

*******************************************

sorry, your case just
won't stick - those detectives, they
haven't got a glue...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, Lewis Hamilton will be driving at Austin, Texas,
with one hand on the world championship trophy. Wow, that
must make steering the car pretty difficult...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

********************************************************************

The difference between teetotallers and alcoholics? -
The former try to never drink a drop - the latter try to
never drop a drink, hahaha...

********************************************************************
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could that be love I see blossoming at the Royal Botanic Gardens? -
"I like Kew," she whispers..."I like Kew, too," he replies.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter O'Toolbox sets...

*******************************

If Hammer films were
exceedingly scary, are
Spanner films gripping?...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------
What a dancer! Barack Obama's slogan was
'yes we can'. Maybe Theresa May's should
now be 'yes we can-can'? Just a thought...
----------------------------------------------------

Kane and (not so) able...

**********************************

England caps? Harry
Kane and I have over thirty
between us. Who knew!...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
So Craig Revel Harwood is smitten with his boyfriend
Jonathan, a horticulturalist who trained at Kew Gardens.
Isn't that how all romances start? "I like Kew," said
Jonathan. "I like Kew, too," replied Craig...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************************

Narcissists should take a long hard look
at themselves (They shouldn't find that too hard...)

*****************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 16)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
If the many pounds lost by followers of diet books were
transferred straight into the writers' bank accounts,
would they be fatty deposits?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

on the shelf, where I belong...

****************************************

All my albums are
Morocco-bound. Not me, though.
I'm staying where I am...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bakers in gay cake case urge Christians to "take their stand"
What? The one with the cakes on? That would be theft...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a cake stand? -
Play it the National Anthem, presumably...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

only the ones that drop autumnatically...

***********************************

are drop-leaf tables
made only from the wood of
deciduous trees?...

***********************************



('Hey, this table's no evergreen, man!': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
A recent survey claims young women are the worst
snorers, apparently. That's certainly the case in our
house. The sound of 'sound asleep' in our bedroom
is about 80 decibels - and it sure ain't me!...
---------------------------------------------------------------

a bit of needle...

***********************************

is a sprinter who
likes to inject a bit of
pace a drug runner?...


***********************************

sprinters who take drugs
cross the line...often in first
place - that's the problem...

***********************************



(17 Syllables x 2)
--------------------------------------------------
Dogs see in blue and yellow (news item).
And they play on the green, haha...
--------------------------------------------------

boy, that smells good!...

**********************************

Cheesebergamot and
chips: one of my 5-a-day
that really makes scents!...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
A BMW that can hold a conversation? (news item).
At £33,000, who says torque is cheap?...
-------------------------------------------------------------

biscuit?...

**************************************

We want to bury
granny at sea - well, once she's
finished her coffee...

**************************************



('Into the drink': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Lucky old Jack Brooksbank! How our PM could do with
her very own EU genie to grant her her every wish...
(Jack and Eugenie are getting married as I write)
------------------------------------------------------------------

puppy love...

***************************************

Just who's been chewing these
chair legs again? Damn you and
your suite tooth, Rover!...

***************************************



('Aghhh! Every day's a Chewsday right now!': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Mondelez UK Ltd paid no corporation tax in Britain
last year (news item). ie: Cadburys Milk...the system.
------------------------------------------------------------------

hung, drawn and quartered...

***********************************************************

What fate awaits the next Banksy creation that
commits the crime of being sold at auction? Will
it, too, be drawn...hung...and shredded?...

***********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 10)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For some Brexiteers, it's 'The Chequers Deal, Come What May'.
For others, it's 'Super Canada, Come What Johnson'. - Me? They
don't call me the Mother Superior for nothing: I'm Nun the Wiser...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

married to a mug...

**************************************

"why have you bought this
coffee table, love? - you know
I only drink tea"....

**************************************



(It's handy being a mug: you can fly off your very own handle!: 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------
Of course Boris will get behind the PM.
How else can he stab her in the back?...
-------------------------------------------------

the sound of silence...

****************************

if shouting isn't
allowed in libraries, is
whispering aloud?...

****************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If pretty people are perceived as more intelligent, and
ugly people are said to be less happy (news item), where
does that leave me? I'm pretty ugly...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

********************************************************************

If John Cleese's three rules of comedy are 'no puns, no
puns and no puns', then what exactly is 'Fawlty (Faulty)
Towers'? The exception that proves the rule? ('How To
Produce Comedy Bronze' book review)

********************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, October 7)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Corbyn's son and his girlfriend have opened a store selling
hemp-derived products. Do their profits go into a joint account?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hey, we've all got a price...

***************************************

Ambush marketing?
Not on my watch! (A brand new
Rolex, by the way)

***************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Mamma Mia! The Party' an evening of song and dance and a spot of
dinner, sounds great! As long as there are no swedes on the menu...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************************************

'Dirty' bank notes and coins can be crawling with
up to 19 types of bug, apparently (Mail). No problem
for me - all my money's been laundered!...

*****************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 5)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A successful entrepreneur can fire the young with enthusiasm. I know Alan Sugar on
'The Apprentice' does. Weekly. "You're fired!"..."You're Fired!"..."You're fired!"...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

plastic pollution...

*****************************************************

87% of under 35s want straw polls replaced
by compostable polylactic ones...

*****************************************************



(The end of straw polls! (But I'm not sure which end)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Free kick with every selfie! David Beckham was so money-minded,
he never gave away free kicks, he made you pay for them.
"You'll pay for that," he'd squeak...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wonder Woman's is obviously 'wondering'...

******************************************

"Which superpower would
you like to have?" asked my mum.
"The States," I replied...

******************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ann Widdecombe says women have never had it so good. (And some,
dare I say, have never had it at all.) No names, no pack drill, eh, Ann?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alcoholics Anonymous...

*******************************

They made me attend
an AA meeting last night.
Bit of a rum do...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Every Tom, Dick and Harry in London seems to be called
Muhammad these days (news story this week)...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

not at the Holiday Inn-uendo, by any chance?...

******************************************************

I was engaged for about 5 months until my
fiancée broke it off. Took the surgeon about
6 hours to sew it back on again...

******************************************************



(17 Syllables + VAT)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who knew a George Harrison guitar would be sold to the tune of
£350,000? That's a hell of a tune. One of George's better ones...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

lethargy doesn't run in her family - it WALKS!...

*******************************

boy, my wife's lazy! -
to her, 'wining and dining'
is multi-tasking...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
A poem a day keeps the doctor away (news item).
By sticking to prose, will I know only woes?...
-------------------------------------------------------------