Did she fall FOR me? - or OVER me?...

***************************************

My date stood me up
last night - but I soon fell down
again. Great night! Hic...

***************************************



(I'm crap at stand-up: 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I, too, can see the future in my dreams (news item). A
few weeks ago I dreamt that I wouldn't win the lottery
by the end of the month. And, guess what, I didn't!...

#Scary
-------------------------------------------------------------------

better late than never...

********************************************

The name's Vince. I was
named after the Queen - more than
90 years after!

********************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
Breakdancing at the Olympics? Baron Pierre de
Coubertin would be back-spinning in his grave!...
------------------------------------------------------------

Beans on toast...

******************************************

"Full English breakfast,
please, but no bacon, eggs, beans,
sausage or mushrooms"...

******************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, people who use their phone at mealtimes
tend to eat a lot of fatty food (news item). Of course they
do. If you're going to spend an hour or so chewing the
fat on the damned thing, you need a good supply of it...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

****************************************************

Having 'died' for 60 seconds, could there
ever have been a footballer more grateful
for extra time than Glenn Hoddle?...

****************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, February 24)

**************************************************************

A crayon doesn't have to be sharp to draw blood...

**************************************************************

******************************************

She's a little stiff
from Badminton (Gloucestershire).
Me? I'm from London...

******************************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)

What? Even the bad ones?...

**********************************

all my verses have
got titles, so why can't the
Queen give me one, too?...

**********************************



('Not averse to titles': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------
Atishoo of lies: pulling a sickie...
----------------------------------------

(single storey) house doctors...

*******************************************

cottage hospitals
are great! - ours cured mine of dry
rot within two weeks...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between chewing toffees
and eschewing them? A couple of dress sizes...
----------------------------------------------------------
Eschewing the cud: a cow on a diet...
----------------------------------------------------------

fair warning...

**********************************

"A step-father's a
father who has to watch his
step!" (warns my step-son)

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
With so much litter blighting our countryside these days,
I fear 'Dear Old Blighty' has become 'Dear Old Blighted'...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

"cheap at half the length," she winked...

*******************************

"How much for an hour?" -
"50 quid, all in" - "And if
I don't go that far?...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20,000 Leagues Under The Sea: Lowcation, Lowcation, Lowcation...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************

Spice up your love life with Scrabble? (Mail).
Well, it certainly worked for us...till my wife
got chlamydia. It was on a triple word score,
and she won by two. I went to bed in a huff...

*********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 18)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comedian Joe Lycett, The Great British Sewing Bee's new presenter,
must be in seventh heaven. So much new material to work with...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*************************************************************

We're always told that blood is thicker than
water. Reading about his dismal A-level results
and alleged absence of books in his life, it seems
that Jeremy Corbtyn might well be, too...

*************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, February 17)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Step-parents? They're parents who have to watch
their step (according to my step-daughter!)
-------------------------------------------------------------

that's me - in the middle of the pack...

***********************************

Me? An ace golfer?
More a seven of clubs. Left-
handed clubs, at that...

***********************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Counter attack: mad stampede as the doors open on the first day of a sale...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

********************************************

Finding a synonym for 'love' is easy.
Finding one for 'great passion', well,
that's much ardour...

********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 14)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rose's are red, Violet's are blue - not sure what colour Daisy's
are, but the waist's 42... "Happy Valentine's" to all us singletons...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spice up your Valentine's Day with Scrabble? (News item). Well,
it certainly worked for us...till my wife got chlamydia. It was on
a triple word score, and she won by two. I went to bed in a huff...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************************

When it comes to hotel booking websites, I've always
thought there was room for improvement. And 16 people
have thought the same in the past 48 hours, apparently!...

************************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 12)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Valentine's Day: if lovers send roses, do stalkers send stems?..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

the male equivalent of 'ladies who launch'?...

*******************************************************************************

When lifeboatmen have birthdays, do they push the boat out?...

*******************************************************************************



it's just a thought: when
lifeboatmen have birthdays, do
they push the boat out?...



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
At 85, is Joan Bakewell, the one-time 'thinking man's
crumpet', now a pin-up for Grumpy Old Mensa?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

the ageing process...

************************************

dad did NOTHING this
morning - but it's taking him
much longer these days...

************************************



("Won't be long, love": 17 Rather Sillybles)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bloody hell! Rats in Belgravia's Eaton Square? I wonder whether
they're any posher than our downmarket Portobello Roadents?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Students' grades plunge when cannabis is legalised, apparently.
I imagine that only applies to Class B students...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

********************************************************************

I want to be an arable farmer like my uncle. Whenever
I ask him how he is, he says he's having a field day...

********************************************************************

*************************************

"Body shape is irrelevant to
the well-rounded individual"...

*************************************



(Is calling someone "well-rounded" body-shaming?)



(Vincent Hefter , Daily Mail, February 8)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pair of opera tickets going for £6,869? (news item). Think I'll
go to a Russell Watson concert instead. I can only afford a tenor...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dropping the aitch bomb...

*******************************

I asked dad what the
opposite of 'ardour' was -
'softer,' he replied...

*******************************



('The quicker they came, the ardour I fell...in love': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eating 10 greens a day can give your mood a boost, apparently (news item).
As a struggling golfer, I find hitting 10 greens a day has the same effect!...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************************

Now on! The world's first 'Vegan Fashion Week'!
(The place to go to see well-dressed salads?)

**********************************************************



(It's in Las Vegas)



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 6)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the risk of concussion makes rugby too dangerous for children, why
not just knock it on the head? What could be more appropriate, haha...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

easy sum, hard sum, dim sum...

********************************

I asked the Chinese
restaurant for a minus.
"Take away?" they asked...

********************************



(17 Jolly Sillybles)

I rest my case...

************************************

"Me? A racist? How
dare you speak to me in that
tone of skin," she screamed...

************************************



(17 Syllables)

or maybe just a twig?...

*********************************************

How do lumberjacks
know how many trees they've felled?
Do they keep a log?...

*********************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The meat market: just as rare steaks are pretty tough, 
so tough men are pretty rare. Well, they are now, apparently - 
thanks to the 'MeToo' movement, says my disillusioned sister...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

gonna rears it's ugly head...

****************************************

"Don't say 'gonna'!...it's
'GOING TO', ok? - once more, pal,
and you're a gonna!"...

****************************************



('Oops!': 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl I would love to invite out has just asked me for a special date
and walnut cake. "As long as the special date's February 14, and don't
bother with the walnut cake," she added. I think I'm in!...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

France 19 - Wales 24...

********************************************************************

16 - 0 down at half-time, then three tries in the second
half? Welsh Rugby's motto must be 'if at first you
don't succeed, TRY, TRY and TRY again'!...

********************************************************************



(Last night's score)

the musings of a stupid arse'nal...

*******************************************

one gun...two guns...three
guns...four guns: simple maths - or
triggernometry?...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)

one round was enough (in both cases!)

****************************************

"I've just played a damned
awful round of golf!" - "What did
you shoot?" - "My caddie!!...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women in stressful jobs are more likely to pile on pounds,
apparently. So true. Take my wife, for instance - she's piled
on £78,000 this year!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------