Coronavirus - it's got a lot to answer for...

**************************************************************************

CABIN FEVER - Stuck in my house all day with nothing to do.
INCAB FEVER - Stuck in my taxi all day with no fares.

**************************************************************************

************************************************************

Apparently, latest polls indicate that only 32% of
people questioned think of Trump as an imbecile.
Surprisingly low.
The other 68%? They prefer the term 'moron'...

************************************************************

Stiff Upper Lip...

******************************************

By finally grasping the nettle
Our PM has shown his true mettle.
Perhaps a bit late?
We'll just have to wait...
I'm a Brit, so I'll put on the kettle.

******************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 26)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince Charles is in self-isolation! Wow, at first it
was homeopathy - now it's 'stately home'opathy, too!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

************************************************

Running out of water, sugar, toilet rolls
or teabags may not be much fun, but
running out of doors is!...

************************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mass virus blood test for millions! (news item). A little prick
on the finger could be a game changer. Meanwhile, in the States,
a big prick in the Oval Office is having the opposite effect...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

talking of dry coffin' fits...

*********************************

Social distancing? -
six feet apart's way better
than six feet under!...

*********************************



(Don't cause SOMEONE ELSE to pay for YOUR stupidity!: 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------
MANS LAUGHTER - a funny way to die.
MANS LAUGHTER - murder, but victim dies laughing.
----------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************************

We're told London has suffered the most coronavirus
deaths due to its dense population. Well, judging by
what we see on the news, there are more than a few
dense people in other parts of the country too who
continue to defy the social distancing edict.
Sheer lunacy...

******************************************************************

Coronavirus and public transport...

********************************************************************

The Secretary of State for Health and Social Care tells
us that commuters on the Underground should be more
spaced out. Is the Right Honourable Member really
recommending drug use?...

********************************************************************

************************************************************

As the world finally came to an end, an abstract
artist drew his last breath. His finest work...

************************************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't worry, we'll get over this. Together! (Ts and Cs apply, sadly)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Never mind toilet paper, I can't find any Ghanaian corn dough or
Perigord black truffles anywhere! What's the world coming to?
Bleedin' hoarders...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coronavirus...

******************************************************

LOSING PATIENCE
with self-isolation? You'll get no sympathy
from me. Not whilst doctors and nurses are
LOSING PATIENTS

******************************************************
----------------------------------------------------------
LOCKDOWN: MORE PATIENCE, FEWER PATIENTS!
----------------------------------------------------------

Coronavirus conversion calculator...

********************************************************************

Apparently, due to 'social distancing', there can now
be no more than two feet in a yard till further notice...

********************************************************************

once a tosser, always a tosser...

************************************

I'm getting old. I
can still throw a good party -
but not quite as far...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It takes plastic 400 years to break down" - "Really?
It takes my wife 5 minutes...if she breaks one of her nails."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, so many panic buyers!...

***************************

Calling all single
coronavirus hoarders:
I'm still on the shelf!

***************************



(Tell you what, if you really want me, you can even choose which 
aisle to walk me down: meat, fresh produce, dairy or baked goods!)



('Well past my sell-by date': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will 2019 AD soon be referred to as 1 BC (Before Coronavirus)?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

should salespeople sell fisolate?...

*******************************

Social distancing?
It's great - as (very, very)
far as I'm concerned...

*******************************



(Only joking - it's a pain in the ar*e, to be honest: 17 Syllables)

Have you cancelled the milk?...

*******************************************************************

MARCH 3: my answer to Covid-19?...ZT-791! (My
flight number.) I'm washing my hands...of England.
Well, for 84 days, anyway. A pre-arranged trip - I'm
not running away! Posts, of necessity, will be few
and far between (about 6,000km far) for the duration.
Many thanks. Cheers!...
SCRUB THE ABOVE! INVOLUNTARILY
REPATRIATED 2 MONTHS EARLY. BUGGER!!!
(When was I last in England on March 20? -
10 years ago?
Seems I'm going to be a salesperson for a while -
I'm going to sell fisolate)

*******************************************************************

**************************************************

When it comes to hotels, I avoid single
or double rooms - I've got a bit of a suite
tooth. Costs me a bloody fortune...

**************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 20)

**********************************************************

PHILATEL1st. - Only collects first-class stamps.

**********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 17)

********************************************************

ADS INFINITUM - Endless commercial breaks...

********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 10)

250k tax bill...

************************************************

Eamonn nailed by taxman:
talk about Holmes Under The Hammer!

************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 3)

cigarette lighter, smoker heavier!...

*******************************************

I was a heavy
smoker once. Now I've stopped, I'm
even heavier...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)

Coronavirus...

****************************************

Covid-19, you
say? Well, at least it's not called
Coroner-virus...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Talking of pandemics, is obesity a 'chip pan'demic?...
----------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************

Unlike many actresses in the past, it seems
whatever success 'Mick Jagger's black witch'
Anita Pallenberg enjoyed had less to do with
casting couches and more to do with casting
spells!...

*******************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, March 1)