no problem if you're an animal lover...

*********************************

if the outlook's paw,

then you know it'll soon be

raining cats and dogs...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

No one likes to see a run on sterling, but who 

doesn't like to see Sterling on a run? Especially 

if it leads to a goal! (Euro 2020)...

---------------------------------------------------------

Wow, £15m for an oil painting of a man who's

no oil painting? The world's gone mad!...

---------------------------------------------------------

Good to see Wimbledon taking another giant 

step towards gender equality this year: for the 

first time ever, the women's singles is equally 

as boring as the men's...

---------------------------------------------------------

No tart, she. More of a pie. A sweetie pie...

******************************************

'Twasn't a a tart who

torte me how to bake these cakes,

'twas Mary Berry...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------

LITTERATURE - junk mail.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 19)

---------------------------------------------------------

Animal lovers are never happier than when it's 

been raining cats and dogs for donkey's years...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Tennis v. Football: a game of two halves divided by

a net is way more fun than a game of two halves...

(No idea who Annette is)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Don Juan, two, three...

********************************

I've got twelve girlfriends,

but I'm a decent man - I'm

loyal to them all...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

The difference between Matt Hancock and Boris

Johnson? One's lying low, one's lying continuously.

Politics, eh?...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Now Hancock's gone, how Boris manages to stay

in office gets Arcuriouser and curiouser...

------------------------------------------------------------

'A call two arms' for the over-50s? A (common) 

cold war doesn't involve fighting, so bring on the 

Covid and flu one!...

------------------------------------------------------------

Liz Jones's Diary...

*******************************

If distance is no 

object, then who am I to

object to distance?...

*******************************

...it's a shame that Liz Jones's 'Cambridge Man'

couldn't adopt the above mantra. My other half 

is a six-hour flight away - hurdles are there to 

be overcome...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 27)

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wouldn't be surprised if Matt Hancock's wife wanted to

break every bone in her husband's body right now. What's 

more, seeing as she's an osteopath, she'd probably be able 

to name each and every one of them as she did so!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

No one really thought Matt Hancock was the best thing 

since sliced bread. But they all now agree he's toast...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

a tart is no sweetie pie...

******************************************

a tart is someone

who'll lie on your bed - and through

her teeth - for money...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------

Matt Hancock / Gina Coladangelo...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm a team player," boasted Matt Hancock. Turns out

the team were playing away this week. Who knew?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks, Matt Hancock. At least I now understand what

'cautious hugging' means. Check no-one's coming along

the corridor, right?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Matt Hancock: he wanted to be the toast of the town, 

and now he's halfway there: he's toast, haha...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be naughty. ("Is that 

Henry kissing 'er?" - "No, it's Matt 'ancock" - "Wow, 

what an impressionist!")

---------------------------------------------------------------

Fire one!...

 

*********************************

How do you fire an

incompetent circus clown?

Out of a cannon!...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

If eating food at the right time is the recipe for a long

life, is eating thyme on the right food the recipe for a

happy tummy? (new item)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Never mind banning junk food adverts between TV

programmes, how about banning junk TV programmes

between food adverts?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Two's company, three's more fun!...

******************************************

Why should it only
be good things that cum in threes?
Fancy joining in?...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

If I continue to sign my texts with a kiss, will I

be put on the x offenders' register?...

---------------------------------------------------------

NUN THE WISER - with age comes wisdom...

------------------------------------------------------

Cake drinks? (news item). Talk about a drop 

of the hard stuff!...

------------------------------------------------------

The name's Nick - Arsenick...

*********************************

If 'Gift' is German
for 'poison', then yes, I am
God's 'Gift' to women...

*********************************

('Run! It's that arse Nick again!' :17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Breakfaster and faster! Rishi Sunak's lung-bursting 6am

exercise bike spin class is one hell of a way to start the day.

(Just like the economy, right? Going nowhere - fast!)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tai won!...

*********************************

How they once resolved

the Taiwan/China conflict:

Tai 1 - China 0!...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

So Sir Keir Starmer can play the flute? As a champagne

socialist, he can probably drink out of one, too, haha...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

EDGAR ALLAN POET - a man of (one too many) letters...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 22)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A Love Island contestant with a club foot? No problem -

unless the club's Arsenal, of course...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Public broadcaster to be sold off?...

*******************************

Privatise Channel

4? But isn't 'Private Eyes'

Channel 5? Just sayin'...

*******************************

(9:00pm Mondays, Channel 5: 17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson may well pride himself on being a 'glass 

half-full' Heineken politician (reaching the parts of 

the country other beers can't), but who needs Heineken 

when there's so much Corona about, haha...

Actually, why can't all politicians be, well, stellar?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Isn't Piers 'Guten Morgen' Britain a classic case of

international nominative determinism? Why fight it, Piers?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

CONSETT PIANIST - Durham's finest...

----------------------------------------------

Dominic Cummings' WhatsApp revelations...

**************************************

AIDS may no longer

be deadly - but the same can't

be said about aides!...

**************************************

Especially disgruntled ones...

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------

HARD LICKER - no, not the hair of the dog -

just the dog itself, haha...

-----------------------------------------------------------

If you're a hay fever sufferer like Piers Morgan, 

'nuclear option' corticosteroids aren't to be 

sneezed at...

-----------------------------------------------------------

War on Food Waste: the thing is, if I eat all my 

food that would otherwise go to waste, won't it

just go to waist?...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Sold by the metre, arrested by the Yard...

**********************************

Isn't it about

time Scotland Yard adopted

'THE MET'ric system?...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

England 0 - Scotland 0: no, Gareth, we won't turn on 

your young squad. We won't turn on the telly, either 

- not if they continue to play like that...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Social media nincompoops...

*********************************

The more garbage I 

read on Twitter, the more I 

tire of nitwitters...

*********************************

('Nit(no wit)ters': 17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Privatise Channel 4? Great idea! A channel devoted to

private eyes! Start off with Magnum P.I....

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Happiness is - a live broadcast...

*****************************

Walking on air is

by far a better option 

than swearing on it...📺

*****************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

According to the WHO, women of childbearing age

shouldn't drink - not even the odd little tot. (What happens

if they do - do they give birth to that odd little tot, haha...)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

So Boris wants to go back to writing, having fun and 

making hay till his son shines? Who can blame him?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 22)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

6-3, 6-2: the Queen's not at Ascot, but a Scot wins at 

Queen's. Swings and roundabouts. Well done, Murray...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

...(when not at his) Best...

**************************************

"Football: a game of

two halves - and maybe the odd

chaser" (declared George.)

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

GB News launches, and Andrew Neil is walking on air.

(The red light's on, so I presume he's on air?) Shouldn't

he be sitting? The first of many glitches...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Jihadi bride Shamima Begum sasy she was just a dumb

kid at 15, but now she follows news of Kanye West's 

divorce from Kim Kardashian. Which is pretty much 

admitting she's now a dumb adult...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

(Inspired by photo of Boris at school desk)

**************************************

So who's bottom of

the class...is BIGGEST, haha....

(Only joking, kids!)

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

If it's lab-grown diamonds that are now a girl's best

friend, do those who just have opals have no pals?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Meghan's dad tears into Oprah (news item). Piers Morgan 

is delighted, he loves tears! But preferably on his own 

programme...

------------------------------------------------------------------

The world according to Boris...

*****************************************

If Joe Biden is

'a breath of fresh air', was Trump

merely a windbag?...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

If you think your firearm's gun off in the fridge, just give

it the smell test before throwing it away. (It should be OK 

- I kept a Mail on Sunday article on the bottom shelf for 

months, and it was still perfectly legible when I took it 

out to read last week)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

If Harry & Meghan think they've got it tough, they should

try putting themselves in my shoes! Living in the full 

glare of total anonymity's no fun, believe me...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

England v. New Zealand Test series: "...and the Kiwis are 

already into the tail" - the England openers had only just 

come out to start the innings, but few could argue. England

have bowlers and non-bowlers. Of 'batsmen' are there none.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Euro 2020...

*******************************

So now it's taboo

to boo? Who says? No 10.

(The PM, to boo-t!)

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------

Does writing a rubbish poem make Roger

McGough a member of the 'litter'ati?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seems this latest variant has Delta blow to our hopes of an 

early Freedom Day. A case of nominative determinism?..

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE WAR OF THE ROSÉS - some people 

take wine-tasting way too seriously!...

------------------------------------------------

Sex? That's another storey altogether...

**************************************

is going upstairs with

your girlfriend taking things to 

another level?...

**************************************

(17 Sylables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

So Biden thinks Boris married above his station? Well, 

that may not have made Carrie cross, but it sure as hell 

made Charing Cross, haha...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris / Biden: disagreements? What disagreements? Good

to see Boris bury the hatchet...in Biden's back. And then 

whack him over the head - with an olive branch...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

SEA SHANTY TOWN - deprived area on outskirts of a

port infested with musicians...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Fish & chips for £35? I imagine it's COD: cash

on delivery. In case anyone does a runner...

-------------------------------------------------------

Not the greatest of lines...

************************************

Actresses shouldn't

forget their lines - that Botox

won't inject itself!...

************************************

(17 Rather Sillybles)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

So the richest man on Earth now wants to be the richest 

man in space, too?...(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 11)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Women must stand up against Stonewall zealots? Talk

about a TERF war! (Trans-Excusionary Radical Feminist)

The world's gone mad...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

England midfielder Declan Rice has never had a pint in his

life, apparently. Well, here's hoping he enjoys his first half 

- and doesn't get subbed in the second!...

(Football: a game of two halves - and maybe the odd chaser?)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

CathArctic: providing cold comfort - VERY cold comfort. As in:...

*************************************

Writing about my

hapless trip to the North Pole

proved quite cathArctic...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

'THE DUKE OF EDINBURGH ROSE,' read the label. '...UP 

TO HEAVEN FROM HIS DEATH BED,' someone had added. 

The Queen, smiling, looked up...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

When you live your life in a goldfish bowl, it doesn't

help to be told there are plenty more fish in the sea...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 10) (Harry)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

All work and no, ahem, 'play'...

****************************

What is the point of

a public holiday if

you can't have it off?...

****************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lilibet and (the mon)Archie? I can see Harry and Meghan are

really trying to distance themselves from the Royal Family!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

CORN FLAKES, WEETABIX AND FROSTIES - no cereal comma?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lilibet: not just any moniker - a Harry & Meghan monarcher!..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bel, Book and Candle: Mooney slates The Bench, says Meghan 

can't hold a light to proper children's authors...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oxford Chancellor Lord Patten is so angry with Magdalen students 

voting to axe the Queen, he could crown them! Ironic, or what?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crabby cabbies rule, OK?...

****************************

my grandad was a

taxi driver - he's never

forgotten his routes...

****************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

DELIVEROO 7 - "The name's Bond. James Bond.

You ordered a pizza?"...

---------------------------------------------------------------

INFERIOR DESIGNER - too much 'shabby', not 

enough 'chic'?...(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 8)

---------------------------------------------------------------

PICK IT FENCE - I wouldn't have chosen that one!...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Bafta - the morning afta...

************************************

Just checked the frocks at

last night's Bafta - every year

a little dafta!...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

The Osaka saga - just the latest example...

**************************************

Seems tennis players

these days are as highly strung

strung as their rackets. Bless...

**************************************

(Am I even allowed to say this?: 17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

FREE DOM DAY? - wasn't that back in November

when Boris got rid of Mr Cummings?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not just beauty that lies in the eye of the beholder - 

so does Boris. Through his teeth...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

So Tracey Emin can afford to splash out on a £15m

London townhouse? Proof that it's more profitable to

not make your bed if you then have to lie in it!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Just as well if Boris can't pick C of E bishops. Look 

at the job he's made of picking his nose - who in their 

right mind would have chosen that one!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you red grey?...

****************************

I tell you what: that

50 Hades of Grey - it's

one Hell of a book!...

****************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not only are vets outrageously expensive these days, they're 

also bloody careless. My chihuahua came back chipped...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Surely the best way to pay for invisible art is with a blank cheque?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Hair of) the dog...

***********************************

Hard licker: "no tongues!"

I told my dog. Bugger! There

was no stopping him...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

If you want to curry favour with someone who's 

really hot, does it have to be a vindaloo?...

-------------------------------------------------------------

My local council's just warned me about regularly

over-watering my lawn by cover of darkness. 

Who grassed?...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Of course it's TWO apples a day that keep the 

doctor away. It's not 'core and effect,' is it? It's

'cores and effect', right?...

---------------------------------------------------------

when the writing's on the wall...

******************************

graffiti's a fine

art - if a policeman sees

you, you'll get a fine...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------

'Financial date nights': not so much 'bill and

coo' as 'how much is the bill?' and coo...

-----------------------------------------------------

Has the ominously-renamed Indian variant

indeed 'Delta' blow to our June 21 'freedom 

day' hopes?...

-----------------------------------------------------

Private equity giants buying up veterinarian

practices should themselves be vetted. And

sent an appropriately large bill...

-----------------------------------------------------

When did you last have it?...

*******************************

I'd entered the lost

property office starkers.

"Why?" I'd lost my mind...

*******************************

 

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------

I'm pretty ugly (excuse the oxymoron), but

if I identify as a handsome man, does that

make me handsome? Or just a moron?...

-----------------------------------------------------

As recommended, my brother has soup and

shakes every day to beat diabetes. But

never shakes for more than a minute or two.

-----------------------------------------------------

Any drug costing £1.8m is a wonder drug,

surely. You have to 'wonder' how anyone 

can afford it...

-----------------------------------------------------

Twitchers: birdwatchers or nithologists?...

-----------------------------------------------------

Sorry, mate, but ice baths leave me cold...

***************************************

"You like to start the

day with a nice bath?" - "An ice

bath, you lunatic!"...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a nice bath and 

an ice bath? About 40 degrees, I guess...

----------------------------------------------------------

RED SNAPPER - communist paparazzo...

----------------------------------------------------------

SNAP JUDGEMENTS - photo competitions...

----------------------------------------------------------