Oh, yeah?...

 *********************************************

THE CUSTOMER IS a fucKING idiot.

*********************************************

**************************************

The customer is a

king = THE CUSTOMER IS a

fucKING idiot...

**************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seeing as there are so many gender identities flying around these days, if

someone asks you "how many kids do you have?" you'd be well advised

to think twice before answering "one of each"! Just saying...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JAPANDEMIC - sushi. there's no escape!

------------------------------------------------

Well, it is a shag pile...

*************************************

If sardines come in 

tins, why do humans come all

over the carpet?...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My incredibly attractive yoga teacher asked me to lie on the floor.

"I don't fancy you at all," I lied. On the floor.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS MOURNING - how brief the grief at a presenter's departure...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 30)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

More tripe, anyone?...

*******************************************

I can't say I eat 

much tripe these days - but I doubt

I'll stop writing it...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I enjoyed the film, but when THE LITTLE MERMAID started singing

underwater, I couldn't help but wonder what quay she was singing in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UNBREAKABLE, by Ronnie O'Sullivan. How many potted

biographies does that make now? Is there a single biography the 

lethally accurate Mr O'Sullivan hasn't managed to pot yet?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************

VENI, VIDI, DA VINCI - I came, I saw, I painted.

*********************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 13)

(They changed it to: VENI, VIDI, VINCI. I prefer it my way)

'Near-catastrophic', my arse...

*****************************

WHISKY CHASER - drunk

paparazzo sets off in

pursuit of Harry...

*****************************

(17 Syllables)

Marrygold? I don't even like her!...

********************************

With friends like Daisy,

Lily, Rose and Violet, who 

needs anemones?...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Was that really Alison Hammond giving the PM a hard time on

This Morning today? Or was it her sister, Alison Wonderland?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not many of us eat tripe these days - it seems we prefer to watch it on TV.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 6)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How many cases is it now?...

***************************************

Poor Prince Harry: not

so much a laughing stock, more

a High Court jester...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

 NO MORE REPEAT PRESCRIPTIONS NEEDED, SADLY

                  It comes to us all. Eventually.

=============================================================

With friends selling dandelions at £9.99 a pot, who needs anemones?...

#Rewilding #ChelseaFlowerShow

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS MOURNING - how brief the grief.  #phillipschofield #thismorning 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With so much emphasis on rewilding at this year's Chelsea Flower Show, 

Jackie Brambles and John Nettles should be feeling right at home...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Flyweights...

*******************************

How long does it take

for fighter pilots to learn

how to land a punch?...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------

Are fighter pilots flyweights?...

======================================

It's a sad day when you realise the real 'bags

for life' are the ones under your eyes...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 8)

------------------------------------------------------

POSSESSIO is nine-tenths of the...word.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 23)

------------------------------------------------

That'll Be The Day...

****************************

Will Phillip and his

buddy Holly ever work

together again?...

****************************

(Holly & Phil. Oh Boy!: 17 Syllables)

Mine's a Peloton...

*******************************

Going nowhere fast? Buy

an exercise bike and get

there even faster...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

The name's Alan. Kat Alan...

*************************************

"What's a BLACK FOREST

GATO?" - "It's a new crossbreed

Spanish/German cat"...

*************************************

The name's

(17 Syllables) 

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose...

******************************************

Men today woo just 

as cavemen did - though diamonds

have now replaced clubs...

****************************************** 

(Play your cards right, and you're in!: 17 Syllables)

 

Compulsive teller of untruths...

***************************************

Let sleeping dogs lie,

if you want - but for God's sake 

don't let George Santos!... 

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

A-list honey (Mail)? No thanks. Way too expensive,

I'm afraid. I think I'll stick to Bee-list...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 17)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meghan Markle lecturing on kindness? I'm off to the Comedy 

Club tonight, but I doubt I'll hear a joke better than that...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************

How do vegans gossip if

they can't chew the fat?...

*********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 11)

GP Replacement Service...

*********************************

PHARMASSISTANCE - first

aid that can now be given

by a pharmassist...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Liz Truss is to visit Taiwan - I always knew she'd go far...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 15)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Lock him up, lock him up...

****************************************

"Do I want to see

Trump in jail?" - not so sure he'd

WANT me to see him...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

Unhappily ever after...

********************************

"The end of the world

is nisi" - "I think you'll find 

it's absolute, mate"... 

********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

I can sum up how much enjoyment my dad gets out

of the Eurovision Song Contest iN ONE word...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Eurovision Song Contest...

*************************************

"Wow, two semis in 

one week, luv!" - "Story of my 

life," sighs the Mrs...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

A.E.I.OWE.YOU...

***********************************

The b in 'debt' is

silent. Just as well, for who

wants to be in debt?...

***********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 9: 17 Syllables)

Rapprochement? Maybe not...

******************************************

In the States, Meghan 

goes "hi, king!" Oops, my mistake,

'Meghan goes hiking'...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

King Charles III...

*************************************

WISHFUL THIN KING - he

may not be so thin these days,

but he's still wishful...

*************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 16: 17 Rather Sillybles)

Nights in shining armour? Not exactly...

*********************************************

Most bridal gowns come

in white. Newlyweds, though, come

in their birthday suits...

*********************************************

(17 Syllables)

"I've pulled!" exclaimed the car. But was later disappointed...

*****************************************

Not all caravans

come in white, in fact some don't

even come at all...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

 THE INTERNATIONAL TENNIS FEDERERATION

-----------------------------------------------------

Now retired, Roger is honoured by his sport 

in a very special way...

-----------------------------------------------------

BREXIT - UK leaves the European Union.

REX-IT - abolition of the monarchy?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

TODAY WAS THE CORONATION OF KING CHARLES III

Reign, reign, go away - of course it rained on Charles's  day...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A sandwitch short of a picknic...

*******************************

Who the hell needs to

be able to spell now that

there's auto-corect?...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

It's a boxer, not a cricketer!...

*****************************************

"Have you seen the dog

bowl, darling?" - "Don't be stupid,

dogs can't play cricket"...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

Odin the Raven...

****************************************

Ravens who can paint?

Big deal. There was once a Wren

who designed buildings...

****************************************

(Sir Christopher: 17 Syllables)

The Dylan Mulvaney lager saga...

**********************************

After its recent

'trans' marketing cock-up, is

Bud any wiser?...

**********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 1: 17 Syllables)

Butchering the English language...

**********************************************************

To help curb the surging deer population,

maybe your friendly local butcher should

now be referred to as the Merchant of Venison?

**********************************************************