Mamarazza...

*****************************************************************

"I take photos," she

snapped. And snapped...and snapped...and snapped.

That's quite a temper...

*****************************************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why are you standing well back?" I asked the policeman.

"Because I'm about to let you off," he replied.

He then proceeded to give me a rocket, but said I could

let that one off myself - as long as I stood well back...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

How long does a runway have to be to allow a fighter pilot

to land a punch?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

How much do after dinner speakers who believe in free speech

charge?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, girls...

********************************

THE UGLY CISTERS -

the label applied to them 

at birth...still applies.

********************************

(#cisgender: 17 Syllables)

Bugger!...

*******************************

With age comes wisdom.

(But not before arthritis,

I'm now finding out.)

********************************

With age comes wisdom.

(But it seems to be taking

its time, in my case.)

********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 27: 17 Sillybles)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

No one can accuse GB News of being a one-TRIC pony

any more. TWO awards! Who'd have thunk it? 

Congrats yo all concerned... #TRICAwards

-----------------------------------------------------------------

When can Londoners expect a 'mayor culpa' from

Sadiq Khan for...well, everything, really.

------------------------------------------------------------

Diarrhoea...

********************************** 

I LOVE curries so

much, I find it hard to keep

my motions in check...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

GLASTON BERIBERI - symptoms include mental confusion 

and loss of balance brought on by excessive partying...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Nice bottle & glass, luv...

********************************************

The first two people

on Earth were cockneys. Would you

Adam & Eve it?...

********************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Why do people call my food cupboard 'jam-packed'

when the only thing NOT in it is jam?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Cross my heart (and hope to diet)...

*******************************************

I'll start dieting

NEXT week - I've got way too much

on my plate right now...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables) 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HALF A LOAFER'S BETTER THAN NONE - unless it's made of shoe pastry?..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'If he is to survive, Rishi needs to draw a line under

the Boris era,' writes Dan Hodges. (If he doesn't want

to draw it himself, maybe he could get Damien Hirst or

Tracey Emin to draw it. At least then it would be worth

something when he leaves office)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Shame KFC don't do beer...

****************************

Might PAIL ALE be the

liquid equivalent of

THE FAM'LY BUCKET?...

****************************

(17 Syllables)

*************************************************************************

HEIR APPARENT - a young Prince William.

HEIR NOT SO APPARENT - that's a hell of a bald patch, Willy boy.

HEIR LOOM - ideal for weaving a regal hairpiece?

*************************************************************************

GLASTONBERRIES - if music be the food of love...

------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************

My father hates air

fryers. He says he prefers

to have his air grilled...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

If I look into my cat's eyes, I see pupils. 

So why shouldn't a teacher look into his pupils' eyes 

and see cats? 

Makes sense to me...

#PupilsIdentifyingAsCats

---------------------------------------------------------------

Couch potatoes...

***********************************

Exercise is meat

and drink to vegans. So they

try and avoid it...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE MAGANIFICENT SEVEN - Donald, Melania, and the five Trump kids.  

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 1)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

You having a laugh?...

***********************************

All I ate as a 

kid was burgers, so why call

them my salad days?...

***********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 12: 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Climatologists love to argue - they find it helps clear the air...

#pollution

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

HEIR FRYERS - not to be confused with HEIR GRILLERS (KCs

who give Prince Harry a hard time in court)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************************

There are so many different genders floating 

around these days, addressing people correctly 

has become a complete Miss-tery. Or should 

that be Mr-y? Beats me...

**********************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 16)

No names, no pack drill, Boris...

*************************************

Aren't 'kangaroo courts'

courts that are tailor-made to

deal with, er, bounders?...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

Needs must, I guess...

****************************************

Water rationing?

Does that mean I'll have to start

drinking whisky neat?...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

******************************************************************

When the cops caught me driving on the wrong side 

 of the road the other day, they threw the book at me.

It was the Highway Code.

******************************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 14)

noun [archaic] - an idle or ineffective person...

*******************************************

Some worker ants are

more like shirker ants - their queen

calls them fainéants...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

German Shepherd's pie, anyone?...

*******************************

RIN TIN TIN TIN - two

cans of dog food is never

enough for MY pooch...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

More tea, vicar?...

************************************

I'm old, but I don't

need glasses yet - I still drink 

straight from the bottle!...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

To you I'm beholden, for silence is golden...

*******************************

Yippee! Thank the Lord 

for WD-40...

no more squeaking mice!

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ENORMOUSE - time to go on a diet, Mickey.

BLASPHEMOUSE - watch your language, Mickey!

MAGNANIMOUSE - that's very generous of you, Mickey.

POSTHUMOUSE - RIP, Mickey.

POLYGAMOUSE - wasn't Minnie your one true love?

ANONYMOUSE - I know it's you, Mickey.

EPONYMOUSE - Mickey this, Mickey that, Mickey the other...

FAMOUSE - everyone knows Mickey, right?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 9)

The Daily Mail challenge...

****************************************************

A decent rhyme for 'harmonium'?

After five hours I realised there aren't any.

(No wonder I'm always on my ownium)

****************************************************

Denim

Velvet

Polyester

Chiffon

Linen

Corduroy

Leather 

Cotton 

Silk

Wool

Nylon

----------------------------------------------------

"So much great material, but I still can't 

think of a punchline," said the comedian...

----------------------------------------------------

(With so much great material, surely this 

comedian's got something for everyone!

Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 28)

Apple's new Vision Pro reality headset...

*****************************************

New Apple gadgets

aren't cheap. In fact, their prices

are iWatering...

*****************************************

(17Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

iWATERING PRICES - new Apple gadgets don't come cheap.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 27)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If the cops decide to throw soup vandal Phoebe Plummer in the

can, let's hope it's a Heinz can. Poetic justice, and all that...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holly Willoughby / Phillip Schofield 'scandal'...

**********************************

Holly's prickly. I

guess it's called nominative

determinism...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nadine Dorries is right about the joys of washing up together:

to sink into your partner's arms is no more satisfying than to

see your partner's arms in your sink...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Talking of card tricks...

**************************************

Can magicians who

make a living playing the clubs

turn them into spades?...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

PUB GRUBS - bar food served at 'I'm A Celebrity' after-party?

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 6)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Talking of card tricks...

*******************************************************

I watched a top magician last night who had

confidence in spades. 

Then, with a click of his fingers, he changed 

them into clubs.

How'd he do that?...

*******************************************************

Haiku-style...

--------------------------------------

Can top magicians 

who have confidence in spades

turn them into clubs?...

--------------------------------------

*************************************************************

Jane McDonald may be a low-key replacement

for Phillip Schofield at the British Soap Awards

but, accomplished singer that she is, at least it'll

be the right key...

*************************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 4)

Artificial Intelligence...

*******************************

The threat of AI? 

Have to say, it's nothing I

haven't heard B4...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENTLEMEN - practitioners of artificial intelligence?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Have a go at potting them...

***********************************

CUE GARDENS - where there

are a lot of 'plants' to look

at and (try to) pot?...

***********************************

(It looks like a possible plant: 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CAN-CANCEL CULTURE - how long before this high-kicking, knicker-

revealing music-hall dance is deemed unacceptable in polite society?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------