------------------------------------------------------

                                 When I was at school, booze went straight to 

                                 my head. He'd confiscate the lot!... 

                                 (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 29)

                                 -------------------------------------------------------

               -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

             Donald Trump says the US Department of Justice owes him 

             £230m, and if he gets it he'll "give it to charity, or something". 

             My money's on the '"or something".

             (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 28)

             -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                               ---------------------------------------------------------

                               One in three of us believe in ghost, apparently. 

                               Not me! I don't even believe in ghostwriters, 

                               so I've written this myself...

                               ------------------------------------------------------------

                               Paradise is: having Tess Daly and Keira Knightley!

                               ------------------------------------------------------------

                               DELHICIOUS - I love Indian food!

                    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    CORN ON THE COBWEBS - spiders get into the Halloween spirit!

                    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

He's famously TEE TOTAL - it's all "golf, golf, golf" with the Donald...

 

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 7)

                       ----------------------------------------------------------------------

                       Any truth in the rumour the Royal Family wanted to send

                       Andrew to Coventry, but Coventry refused to have him?...

                       (Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, October 26)

                       ----------------------------------------------------------------------

                                   ----------------------------------------------------

                                   Though nurtured in separate placentas,

                                   They're joined at the hip, those presenters!

                                    Like twins, they're enhancing

                                    Our 'Strictly Come Dancing'

                                    And I doubt there'll be many dissenters...

                                    ---------------------------------------------------

                                    (On announcing their departure)

 

                                    ----------------------------------------------------

                                    Good to know the Gaza ceasefire's in place, 

                                    despite all the latest killings...

                                    (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 23)

                                    ----------------------------------------------------

Sarkozy envoyé en prison...

 

------------------------------------------------------

A vile human who continues to shame us all

------------------------------------------------------

 

                                 --------------------------------------------------------

                                 ALIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL - 

                                 better make sure there's a station there first!

                                 (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 21)

                                 -------------------------------------------------------

                                    ---------------------------------------------

                                    "How could it be?" came the clamour

                                    As Sarkozy was sent to the slammer.

                                    So sad for his wife,

                                    His trouble and strife,

                                    A woman renowned for her glamour.

                                    ---------------------------------------------

Prince Andrew: A Limerick With No Title (I renounced it)

--------------------------------------------------

How much farther still to fall

For he who really had it all?

(His loss of status

Might well placate us

And serves him right for all his gall)

---------------------------------------------

                              ---------------------------------------------------------

                              "Sorry, no trainers," said the nightclub bouncer. 

                               Aidan O'Brien and Willie Mullins were furious.

                              (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 17)

                              ---------------------------------------------------------

                                           ------------------------------------------

                                           Donald Trump, a man of peace?

                                           Will earthly wonders never cease?

                                           Might so much praise

                                           Now change his ways,

                                           Or will his boorish traits increase!?

                                           -------------------------------------------

          -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

          'Having issues with food is all consuming,' says Victoria Beckham. More a 

          case of 'not consuming enough', I would have thought (looking at so many 

          of today's stick-thin models)

          ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

          Given the price of Mounjaro and Wegovy these days, the chances of me 

          losing weight are about as slim as my body wants to be!

          ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                              -------------------------------------------------------

                              Vegan tampons on the walls of the gents?

                              The National Trust is causing offence.

                              Some say they're mad,

                              Whilst others are glad...

                              So who's going to win? Let battle commence!

                              -------------------------------------------------------

(Cheung's reaction to Trump's failure to secure the Nobel Peace Prize)

 

                                  --------------------------------------------------------

                                  How crazy the lives of J-Lo and Ben!

                                  Married, divorced - now together again?

                                  Enough of the drama,

                                  For life should be calmer

                                  (Time to declare that "I've had it with men!"?)

                                  --------------------------------------------------------

                                         ---------------------------------------------

                                         Farewell to the great Jilly Cooper,

                                         For years, she proved such a trooper.

                                         The tales that she weaved

                                         Brought joy unrelieved

                                         In books that were all super-DUPER!

                               -----------------------------------------------------

                            First Jane Goodall, now Jilly Cooper. Proof positive 

                                             that the good don't always die young. A sad farewell 

                                             to two such thoroughly decent human beings and 

                                             compassionate animal-lovers. RIP.

                                             (Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, October 12)

                                             -------------------------------------------------------------------------

                             ------------------------------------------------------------

                             VALUE FOR MONET - appreciating art should 

                             involve more than just watching art appreciating.

                             (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 7)

                            -------------------------------------------------------------

                                        ---------------------------------------------

                                        A woman called Sarah Mullally

                                        Has driven some people doolally...

                                        Her recent promotion

                                        Has caused some commotion -

                                        For me though, it's right up my alley!

                                        ---------------------------------------------

   --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                             LEAVITT ALONE! - yes, the White House press secretary is at the podium all by herself!

                             --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

                                --------------------------------------------------------

                                "I've got a carriage drawn by two horses" - "So 

                                what? I've got one drawn by Picasso. I win!"...

                                --------------------------------------------------------

A Farewell to Lord 'Petie' Mandelson...

 

                                     ---------------------------------------------------
                                     "I AM THE GREATEST!" said Muhammad Ali.

                                      Trump disagrees: "for the greatest is ME!"

                                      (The former was right,

                                      For boy, he could fight...

                                      The latter, alas, is as wrong as can be)

                                      --------------------------------------------------

                                             -------------------------------------

                                             Andy Burnham for No. 10?

                                             (Maybe so, but I wonder when)

                                             Truth be told

                                             He leaves me cold -

                                             I'd sooner vote for an autopen!

                                             -------------------------------------

Truly A Man To Look Up To...

                                      --------------------------------------------------  

                                                  Is Donald Trump a practising Christian? I doubt it. 

                                                  (I doubt he'd ever admit to practising, since he's 

                                                  pretty sure he nailed it the first time)

                                                  -----------------------------------------------------------------

                                        Trump Addresses the UN...

                                        ------------------------------------

                                             How mad I am 

                                             With Uncle Sam,

                                             He's really gone to pot!

                                             (That silly chump

                                             Called Donald Trump

                                             Has simply lost the plot)

                                    ------------------------------------------------

                                    You can't be killed by asparagus spears,

                                    Broccoli, kale or a large tin of pears...

                                    But I went round the bend

                                    When I lost an old friend

                                    To bottles of gin and too many beers.  (an excess of beers?)

                                    ------------------------------------------------

                                           A 20-point plan - can peace be achieved?

                                           I guess it depends on how it's received.

                                           It's all rather grim

                                           And the chances are slim,

                                           But the weight of despair may yet be relieved.

                                           -------------------------------------------------------

                                          I wonder how soon it'll be

                                     Ere the wizards at ChatGPT

                                     Start penning your verses -

                                     Or (what's even worse is):

                                     They write them much better than me!

                                     (More WANING powers than Austin Powers)