3 fishing lines...

**************************************

'Damn, I'm hooked,' thought the
cod. 'If they don't throw me back
in, I'll be gutted'...

**************************************













(17 Syllables)

forget lap dancing clubs - think 'half-lap' dancing clubs...

*******************************

Only Usain Bolt's
fiancée can really claim to
have pulled a fast one...

*******************************













(17 Rather Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't live my life by a plot," says Noel Edmonds (Mail). But I'm pretty sure
he would do if he hadn't gone and lost it...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may have a heart that's older than I am (news item), but my doctor says I'm
great for my age. "You've got the mind of a ten-year-old" were his exact words.
It all balances out...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, too, has 'That Coat' by Zara. But I've found out to my cost that
painting the town red invariably requires more than one coat...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

no pyjamas - just a railway tracksuit...

**************************************

railway sleepers made
of balsa are easy to
wake - they're light sleepers...

**************************************













('Existing in a parallel universe': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GPs get £400m a year to treat patients who don't exist (news item).
"The doctor will see you now," said the receptionist to the invisible man.
I always thought that was a joke. Turns out it's not...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If football is 'the beautiful game', then beauty doesn't so much lie in the
eye of the beholder as just plain lie. How about transferring this moniker
to squash, golf or tennis?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I recently bought a startup beekeeping kit. And I was badly stung - to
the tune of about £500...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's not something you're going to shout about...

***********************************

The b in debt is
silent (as are those who don't
want to b in debt)

***********************************











(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What does Prince Charles actually do?" - "He's a waiter" - "Really?" -
"Yes...67 years old, and still waiting"...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Project For A Door? The Turner Prize has long been the butt of people's
jokes. This year the joke's on us, it seems...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So sad to hear that Beef Wellington is being given the boot. I shall miss
walking into a restaurant and asking if they have it in size 6...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surely the 16ft high male buttocks now on display at Tate Britain
should be called 'Project To Adore'?...(it's titled 'Project For A Door')
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I think maybe he was too indecisive," says Sam Allardyce of Roy
Hodgson. Make your mind up, Sam. Pot, kettle, black, and all that...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

tu es anglais?...

**********************************

"Water, water," smiled
the Frenchman. (He only had
Eau-Level English)

**********************************













(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just as love goes with marriage, so eyesight and hearing go with the passage of
time. But, at 76, Prue Leith is proving that there's no reason why anything else
should. There's hope for us all...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that a sperm bank has launched a smartphone app to help women find
potential donors, 'sex app.eal' takes on a whole new meaning...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems Kate's main concern when meeting the Canadian PM and his wife is the
correct form of a dress. We've all been there...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

****************************************************************

Maureen Lipman portrays Nigel Farage as a frog in her
book of  cartoons featured last week. Well, she picked
the right amphibian, because if there's one thing this
straight-talking politician ain't, it's a toady...

****************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, September 25)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like Kate Winslet, my grandad likes his turkey jerky (news item). Me, I prefer to
wait a week or two. Eating something in its death throes is not to everyone's taste...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's no surprise that 'Judge' Rinder was so good on Strictly. It's what judges do:
they try, try and try again. Bound to get it right eventually...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hear that a suspect has been arrested for taking over 3,000 photographs of Pippa
Middleton. I've taken a few myself. Am I to expect a knock on the door?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************************

Everyone says great champions such as Mo, Laura, Jason
and Andy will be hard acts to follow. Nonsense. Thanks to
Facebook and Twitter, you can follow anyone these days...

*********************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 23)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was reported last week that the BBC regards Chris Packham not as a
regular presenter, but a recurring one. The landlord of my local was devastated
when I told him that, as of now, I would no longer be a regular at his pub...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------