comes with nails and screws...

I've got myself a
flat-pack wife - she says I've been
the making of her...













more Ikea than I luv 'er - but hey, who's counting?...



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the thrill of the chaste...

if your boyfriend tries
it on in bed, make sure you've
taken it off first...













seems Friday night is nightie-night - for some...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

'drinking religiously' takes on a whole new meaning...

I'm a man of the
cloth, me. But the trouble is,
the cloth's Black Velvet...










Black Velvet: great material...for a joke. But preferably at someone else's expense - it's not the cheapest. (Champagne & Guinness)










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

"it's a weak day, right?"...

if I live to fight
another day,
I'll pick a fight
with Saturday...











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

In Case of Emergency Break Wind

I'll say this about my old man -
He always stands by me in a time of crisis...


More often as not, a little bit too close,
If you get my drift...












...though it's not my drift you have to worry about. He means well, bless him...



(I came across this on my travels in Asia somewhere - the last two letters of 'In Case of Emergency Break Window' had been very neatly deleted. Meanwhile, many moons ago back in England, someone had - again, very, very neatly - turned the last two letters of 'Cowshill' into 't's on a Northumbrian village's signpost. It had me fooled.)

"look, no hands!"...

OK, so Venus de Milo wasn't exactly legless -
but she still couldn't hold
her drink...








(should have stuck to the Milo...)






('An 'arnless drunk': 17 Syllables)

not only are * r * sh eyes not smiling - they've buggered off to drown their sorrows elsewhere...

Britain's efforts to avoid financial meltdown
have undoubtedly been sterling...

Maybe Ireland's problem is that
theirs have been euro.










(perhaps taking a punt on the euro wasn't such a good idea - especially when the punt was Irish)

a common or garden pen-tameter?...

"I write, therefore I am". Bic.























- Bugger. Well almost iambic, anyway...







"da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-doh!"






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Chelsea team news...

So John Terry's gone and trapped a nerve, has he?...
Sounds pretty unlikely to me - he's never displayed
that sort of skill before...













(mind you, it might well have been to replace the one he must have needed plenty of whilst enjoying a well-documented fling with an erstwhile teammate's ex)








- it's a football thing - (see under 'legalised thuggery' and 'the beautiful game')

a race against time - or towards it?...

too many people
in too little space
sprint to the finish
of the human race...























- apart from that, it's been a pretty good day...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

The King and I...

"ouch!"...





























The K---ng (without i)













- "must have been Harold, then"...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

love, honour and a baying mother-in-law...

from compatibility...











to combatibility - it doesn't take long...




Marriage: it's a fine line. Talking of which:

THE ROYAL WEDDING - it's already black-eyed-peed somebody off...

"Do you, William, take...

- eat your heart out, will.i.am - for the next few months it's all about will.i.do...

'the wait of expectation' - who doesn't find it hard to bear?...

0845 numbers: a ringing (...and ringing...and ringing,...and ringing...and ringing...and ringing...and ringing...and ringing...and ringing...and ringing...and ringing...and ringing...and  ringing and ringing...) endorsement of modern-day business's attitude to customer service?...

(A rhetorical question...and just as well, too, as there's unlikely to be an answer this side of Tuesday)








Press (1) for... Press (2) for... Press (3) for... Press (4) for... Press (5) for:...

- the more pressing the need, the more the need for pressing (or so it seems) -

"I think, therefore I might be"...

*****************************

There's more to life than
constant frivolity. There's
cheese - and apricots...

*****************************













Rhymes With Serious: now available at www.all one word.com: 'forloversofmorethanjusttoothpaste'...

"is there honey still for tea?"...

Today is not the day for frivolity. Today is the day Nobel Peace Prize-winning pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi ('The Lady') has been released from house arrest by the Burmese junta. How long she will remain free this time, God only knows. Or Buddha. She has been detained for 15 of the last 21 years.
I spent some time in Burma/Myanmar many moons ago and fell in love with the place (and got arrested for my troubles). A wonderful people ruled by monsters. Who gives a sh*t? - worldwide, probably not enough souls, sadly. Those lucky enough to have visited the place most certainly always will - it's difficult not to leave behind more than just footprints. I know I did...





Aung San Suu Kyi - the 'Aunsung' hero -

'caveat emptor' - with emphasis on the caveat...

beware tattooists with
designs on under-age clients...
















- unless they're just transfers, of course...

drinking:...

- it's a mug's game...

























long-handled, preferably. Cheers!...

'love, honour and a bay window' - is that so much to ask for?...

"a whole bloody day just to make the frigging bed? -
what sort of a husband are you?"...























- "a damned fast joiner, honey - what's next?"...

behind every man...

the deep, still waters
of wisdom support many
an empty vessel...










- shouldn't that be 'under' every man, then?...








Still floating after all these years - and long since unsupported...
(better make that 'drifting', then.) Either way, it's a bloody miracle...


('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

when your cha-cha-cha's more ha ha ha...

Bloody dancing lessons. Progress? What progress? -
For weeks now it seems to have been a case of
'one step forward, two steps back'...





























- with my partner screaming "sideways!". Bugger, bugger, bugger...

needle in a haystack...

Why settle for a girlfriend who's one in a million?



















Not me, pal - no way.














No, siree - I've gone and got myself a Chinese lass...






Well over a billion over there, last I read - 1,330,044,605, to be precise (I just knew there just had to be a soulmate out there somewhere).


And a right canny lass, she is, too: "if I needle, then you prick," she say...
- OK, so she's no Confucius, but she does have a point...as any self-respecting 'needle' would have, of course, haha.

And no (before you ask) she's not Wei Tu Yung, either. And yes, I did say 'one in a billion' - not 'won in a raffle'. I've heard them all before...

looking after No. 1...

I come from a dysfunctional family -
I prefer my poverty
to be relative...











- any relative, to be honest...

the difficult follow-up hit...

"Take that!" I said. "What
about them?" he asked. Twat. So
I hit him again...










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix - and an old favourite of mine)

one's prowess with the ladies...

---------- GIRLS WHO GO BY ----------

Girls who go by the name of Angelina...
Girls who go by the name of Keira...
Girls who go by the name of Claudia...
Girls who go by the name of Jennifer...
Girls who go by the name of Scarlett...
Girls who go by the name of Gwyneth...
Girls who go by the name of Demi...
Girls who go by the name of Megan...

These are just some of the names of the girls who go by...
















- with ne'er a second glance.









- talk about the thrill of the chaste...

'not just any sex - S&M* sex'...

No-one can deny that the majority of an S&M dungeon's clientele are amongst the better-off in society...

















- how else can they afford to be strapped for cash (and so regularly, too)...


(*I think that's probably code for Spencer - without the Marks. Too incriminating)



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

hardly worth a flutter, then...

I'm often told Northerners love racing pigeons.

















- And I'm always told they've never yet beaten one...

*****************************************************

(I owned a racing pigeon once. The only thing mine ever beat was its wings. And then, only just...)

the yin and yang of obesity...

is it my imagination,
or is daylight even broader
these days?...











I know I am - so why doesn't it make me any bloody lighter?...