The Christmas Spirit? - I prefer mine 70% proof...

***********************************************

The eccentrically-clad Mr Claus
Is an alkie who crawls on all fours.
But for one night a year
He keeps his head clear -
And for that he deserves our applause...

***********************************************


















Vincent Hefter, Richmond, Surrey; Daily Mail Dec 24. Ending the year on a low...

Happy Holly Days!...

**********************************

"Feliz Navimum 
and Dad" - and everyone else
in the family, too...

**********************************





















(17 Festive Syllable Greetings from Gambia)

drip dry humour (no prizes for guessing who the drip is)

*************************************

It had poured for hours -
"is it waning?" asked dad. Dads
can be quite silly...

*************************************


















(17 Syllables, Gambia)

Miss Right. Almost...

**************************************

the liquid grace of
limbs and hips, a face to launch
a thousand ships...

**************************************












...but a syllable short of a haiku.












No-one's perfect.

October 13...

*********************************

"I'm off to The Gambia,
Where life's namby-pambier"...

*********************************

I know, I know...but what the hell else rhymes with 'Gambia'? I'm not a proud man...
All things being equal (fingers crossed, God willing, and with a following wind; all the usual provisos - the older more mature experienced I get, the longer the list seems to grow) I'll be back in three months. Back from just another troubled country in an increasingly troubled world. It has to be said. Until then, the very fondest of fond farewells - to each and every both of you...

__________________________________________________ 

no fish course, no damp course...

***********************************

cottage pies past their
sell-by date go best with the
(derelict) house red...

***********************************










('I'll have the house wine, please. Single-storey': 17 Syllables)

bloodsuckers' victims? - they're suckers, too...

*********************************

Vampires seem drawn to
my neck of the woods. Or is
it just to my neck?...

*********************************


















(17 Rather Sillybles)

hand them a bag and tell them to fillet...

********************************

there's only one place
to go for surf & turf meals:
a sharkuterie...

********************************


















('Fine Fin dining': 17 Syllables)

sustainable fishing v net profits...

******************************

There's always a catch
when fishing unethically.
And that's the problem...

******************************








- it's a very profitable catch...









('Net profits are worth little if the nets are unethical': 17 Syllables)

a two-liner...

********************************

I've just made a rod
for my own back! I can fish
in half the time now...

********************************


















('3 fishing lines': 17 Syllables)

Still Life - but it's ebbing away...

**********************************

an artist who wants

to draw blood has no need to

sharpen his pencil...

**********************************

- I tell you what though, that's bloody realistic...

(17 Syllables)

a case of life not renewing my remembership...

*******************************

just how long have I
had amnesia? - "as long as
I can't remember"...

*******************************






And have I been a
bad boy? Who cares? "As long as 
I can't remember"...









('As long as I can't remember x 2': 17 Syllables)

the collector...

*********************************

if my dad ever
wants to see his collection -
he closes his eyes...

*********************************








- memories are priceless, possessions immaterial...









(Life: it's not just about 'stuff': 17 Syllables)

misspelt bred...

********************************

Bread? Hate the stuff. I
never touch it - unless you
count profiter rolls...

********************************








- don't you just hate it when someone whips the cream?...








('My wife's are so good, they're profiterole models': 17 Rather Sillybles)

see the world without paying the earth...

******************************

It's a small world. You
only need a small fortune
to travel round it...

******************************








- I did once (see www.thelandofcheesefondue.blogspot.com), 1991-2001...








(17 Syllables)

stage fright...

****************************************

Bloody hell! If all
the world's a stage, just how long
is the Tour de France?...

****************************************








- today Antwerp to Huy, tomorrow the world? (peloton...and on...and on...)








('Hand 'em a tandem, they're far two tyred': 17 Syllables)
******************************************************************
Migrants storm Eurotunnel (news item)
--------------------------------------------
What to do? "We'll storm
the tunnel!" (They won't get through,
not even one'll.)
--------------------------------------------

today: the red planet - tomorrow: the well-read planet?...

*****************************

Water on Mars means
primitive life can exist!
(Like it does in Slough?)

*****************************








(a big news story this week)








('If there's H2O, then I'm Good2Go': 17 Syllables)

it's a double whammy: hair AND memory loss...

********************************

"When did you go bald?" -
"Me? I can't remember, off
the top of my head"...

********************************








(if parting's such sweet bloody sorrow, just imagine what no parting's like)








(17 Syllables)

don't worry, she was already half-cut...

*******************************

The magician sawed
his assistant in half...then
joined her - for dinner.

*******************************








- the start of a beautiful relationship...








('Hey Presto! Two half sisters!': 17 Syllables)

it's an aftershock - no great shakes...

***********************************

"Sorry, my fault," said
San Andreas after the
earthquake. So what's new?...

***********************************

















('San Andreas Fault': 17 Syllables)

short sentences needn't be death sentences...

***********************************

The words "it's cancer,
mum" were music to her ears:
The Funeral March...

***********************************








- (my cancer, her ears) 10 years later, I'm still here. But she's not...








('Where there's life (and the incomparable NHS) there's hope': 17 Syllables)

multiple personality disorder...

****************************************

living with myself's
quite hard - sometimes I think I'd
rather live alone...

****************************************

















('We do get on, but it's strictly platonic': 17 Syllables)

honesty? - it's a hard sell...

***************************************

I can now say, with
conviction, I'm done with crime.
Well, nine convictions...

***************************************








- it's all about finding the courage of your (9) convictions...








('Chryme and punishment': 17 Syllables)

me, I prefer to wait a week or two...

***********************************

my granddad loves his
beef jerky - "still in its death
throes," as he puts it...

***********************************


















('The lion's raw': 17 Syllables)

a case in point (in lower case and 14 point)

******************************

introspective verse
isn't really my thing - I've
often wondered why...

******************************







(17 Syllables)

legal highs...

*******************************

She was sixteen, I
was thirty, so I said "hi!".
A legal "hi!". Just...

*******************************

















(17 Syllables)

the 'right to die' debate (a brief break from frivolity)

************************************

RIGHT---> to die, or <---LEFT
to suffer? - the first is tough,
the second tougher...

************************************







---> sometimes the right way IS the right way...









(17 Syllables)

17 Syllable conundrum...

----------------------------
"5 + 5 + 5 
= 550"...I'm no
humdrum conundrum!..
----------------------------

 







- with the addition of just one straight line, this equation can be made to make sense (the 'equal' sign remains unchanged). You have one minute...









five plus five plus five
equals five fifty - I'm no
humdrum conundrum!  (17 Syllables)

the afterbirth? - very (Eton) messy...

************************************

Talk about having
tough parents! I was put down
at birth! (For Eton)

************************************

















('From a Harrowing birth to Eton College': 17 Syllables)

Freedom Pass...

********************************

it's so much cheaper
to go to hell and back once
you're over sixty...

********************************








- Sorry, did I say hell? I meant Scunthorpe...









(17 Syllables)

my boomerang: (many) a good return on my money...

**************************************

"Fetch!" I cry. But the
boomerang always beats the
dog back. Close thing, though...

**************************************








- money well spent! (looks like the dog is, too)









('How do you make a collie cross? Buy a boomerang': 17 Syllables)

tell-tale tails...

*****************************

if a wag tells a
tale, then it's probably a
shaggy dog story...

*****************************








- and we'll all have no end of a good ti...









('I prefer my tales docked, mate': 17 Syllables)

dad gave me a rocket last night - for free...

**************************************

don't get caught stealing
fireworks - they may let you off,
but they'll stand well back...

**************************************


















('Let off with a warning bang': 17 Syllables)

a grammatical sabbatical...

*************************************

I'm not going to ask
any more rhetorical
questions. What's the point?...

*************************************








- Bugger! It's harder than I thought. Who knew?...









(17 Syllables)

I was thrown for a moment...

***************************************

"Get back to me," said
the boomerang. 'That's your job,'
I thought. So hung up...

***************************************








(thrown by a boomerang? - talk about role reversal)









('First the phone rang. Then the boomerang': 17 Pretty Sillybles)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Queen has been our head of state for a record 23,262 days 
(and counting)...not so much a cardinal number, more a Supreme 
Governor of the Church of England number, wouldn't you say?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

there's a time and place...

*************************************

Mass murderers should
never shoot more than ninety.
Not on a golf course...

************************************








(this one's a par 72, I believe)









('Deadly from the edge of the green': 17 Syllables)

welcome to your chalet (and you're welcome to it)

***************************************

"...been raining cats and
dogs here for donkey's years - do
you like animals?"...

***************************************








- sure, but why the 'no pets' sign?...









(17 Syllables)

suddenly, I've gone write-off cars - guess why...

*****************************

"Wreckless driving"? - a
contradiction in terms if
ever I heard one...

*****************************








"Accident? - That's more than an accident, mate"...









(17 Syllables)

vacancy for the post of football manager...

************************************

ball hits post, stays out:
bad manager - hits post, goes
in: good manager...

...best to draw up an
ad. for the post - not for the
post of manager...

************************************







- finding the right post, always a problem...






(17 Syllables x 2)

peace be upon you, dear...

*********************************

never go to bed
on an argument - whack him
with an olive branch ...

*********************************


















(You can't beat a good wife (well, not too hard): 17 Syllables)

labradoodling? - with no canoodling?...

***********************************

Labradoodles? Wow!
Poodles! Conceived in a lab! -
"Test-tube doggies rule!"...

***********************************








(Er, sort of - though mine's more of a lab conceived in a poodle, to be honest)









('Labradorable pets': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's hear it for "our longest raining Queen"! (As for the rest of her family? What a shower!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

was the Bible Chairman Mao's little-read book?...

     

              ------------------------------
              JESUS CHR1st. AMONG EQUALS
              ------------------------------



           a Commun1st, by any other name?





                          ------- Chairman Mao's Little Red Book -------

harsh, but true - it's time you knew...

****************************************

When I told her she
was fat, the scales fell from her
eyes. "So there they are!"...

****************************************





- a poor excuse, if ever I heard one...






(17 Syllables)

the sizemologist...

******************************************

"Fat folk have a fat
chance of finding love! Lose weight
and have a slim chance"...

******************************************








the scales of injustice - they're hardly worth standing on...









('The profundity of rotundity': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Poldark and handsome, that's me. Which goes to prove that beauty
doesn't just lie in the eye of the beholder...it just lies. Period.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

"the herd mentality" (why are you here? - "we herd it's good")

***********************************

only people with
a low "I queue" would wait for
hours for - whatever...

***********************************


















(17 Syllables)

the hospital canteen...

********************************

we tried to form an
orderly queue - but none of
us were orderlies...

********************************
















(17 Rather Sillybles)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You cannot be Syria's!" to quote McEnroe. And apparently 4 out of 5 migrants aren't...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the green, green arse of home - that's me...

*************************************

greater love hath no
man, than he lay down his lawn
for his beloved...

*************************************




"I'm doing it, darling!" (it's not just the grass that's hen-pecked)




(17 Syllables)

Love is...(1)

***********************************

It started with a
kiss - and ended with a Miss:
daughter Jane, 8 lbs...

***********************************








- if music be the food of love, then pass the Hot Chocolate...









('In memory of Errol Brown, MBE': 17 Syllables)

Love is...(2)

************************************

greater love hath no
man than this: he lay down his
wine in her cellar...

************************************








(Love? Not really. He lived on the 4th floor, so had no choice. Sorry, and all that...)









(17 Syllables)

turn away now...

*********************************

The following line
contains flash photography.
Oops! Too late. Sorry...

*********************************


















(17 Syllables)

the rest of me's Chelsea...

***********************************

I've got a club foot.
That wouldn't be so bad, but
the club's Arsenal...

***********************************




('It's only a defect when the club is Arsenal!': 17 Syllables)

"pounds, shillings and pensive types, honey"...

***********************************

"Which two types of men
do I admire?" - "Businessmen
and acumen, dear"...

***********************************


















('It's the sagacious who make me salacious': 17 Syllables)

when the R.I.P.cord fails...

************************************************************

On Tuesday, August 25, Uncle Tom came down
to earth with a bang...he died instantly, of course,
and went straight back up to heaven...

************************************************************

Up and up he went, ever higher...

   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...

...until he finally arrived at heaven...

"Hiya!" said the angels...

"Well, bugger me!" sighed Uncle Tom, "surely this is hiya nuff?!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A match made in heaven: Kanye West once had three albums in Rolling
Stone's "500 Greatest Albums of All Time". His wife, Kim Kardashian, is
the proud possessor of one of the "500 Greatest Bums of All Time". You
couldn't make it up. Except I did, but only a bit...(he's just announced he
wants to run for President in 2020). Kanye West, what a bum...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

liar, liar, Spanx on fire...

*************************************

"I haven't gone up
a dress size in fifteen years!" -
(True? Of corset's not)

*************************************








fifteen years of dieting - all gone to waist...







(17 Syllables)

Damn! That hurt. Ninjutsu, who need it?...

**************************

in feudal Japan,
many a ninja'd party
hated martial arts...

**************************

















('The injured party': 17 Syllables)

Cricket? - or Family (miss)Fortunes?...

****************************************

Miss...Mr.Nother...
Miss...Miss...Mrs.Again...Miss...
Mr.Nother...Miss...

****************************************







We went all out for victory. But went (all out) for 92...









(Bye bye (otherwise known as 'two extras'): 17 Syllables)

historic pubs granted listed status...

*************************************************************************

English Heritage say there are now 21 listed pubs in Britain...
(and I dare say 21 Brahms and Liszted landlords as a result?)

*************************************************************************

it's from my girlfriend: "check out THIS vista, mister"...

**************************************

we send each other
picture postcards - an exchange
of views is healthy...

**************************************


















17 Pretty Sillybles (she pretty, me silly)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"NET MIGRATION HITS RECORD HIGH!" (BBC). Keep those bloody nets out, I say...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my London derriere ("Danny Boy" to you)

***********************************

Someone pinched my bum
out shopping today. They still
haven't brought it back...

***********************************








- a good lot of fat that'll do them a fat lot of good...









(17 Rather Sillybles)

the brain: soft, nervous tissue (especially nervous in maths)

****************************

I'm a head teacher -
it's the only part of the
body worth teaching...

****************************








- arms, legs, torso: brainless, the lot of 'em...









(17 Rather Sillybles)

people thought me asinine - turns out I'm canine!...

***********************************

Dogs can sense fear? And
respond to a human's love?...
"I think I'm a dog!"

***********************************


















(17 Syllables)

sex traffic: bad - traffic sex: good!...

***************************************

The man pulled out in
front of me. So I sat up,
thanked him - and got dressed...

***************************************


















(17 Syllables)

potato-head of state...

************************************

if  'pommes de terre' are
potatoes, might an 'homme de 
terre' be King Edward?...

************************************


















('King Edward potatoes': 17 Syllables)

Way to go!...

****************************************

I've lost the use of my senses,
I fear they've all gone west -
(Except for my sense of direction,
For that, I think, went east)

****************************************

















(4 lines? Way out of my comfort zone!)

potboilers...

***********************************

do TV chefs get
rich by writing books, or by -
well, cooking them, too?...

***********************************

(do as you would be done by: 1) chef cooks the books 2) taxman grills the chef)







('Catering to popular taste': 17 Syllables)

child-rearing...

********************************************

"out of sight, out of
mind": bad mum! - "out of sight, out
of my mind": good mum...

********************************************








K - ds: you've got to keep an i out for 'em...









(17 Syllables)

she's more than an ex - she's an XXL...

***********************************

she'd feed her body,
but not her brain - my darling
ex, but quite inane...

***********************************








(any resemblance to a living person is purely coincidental)









An XLent 17 Syllables (or 17 Syllables-lite?)

one good(?) turn deserves another...and another...and another...

************************************************

the lights were turned off...
the sheets turned down...and, when she
turned up and turned in,

-----------------------o-----------------------

I turned over...But
what a turn-up!...it turns out
I'm not a turn-on...

************************************************












(17 Syllables + 17 Syllables)

meanwhile, in a Mumbai slum...

**********************************

when 'another day,
another dollar' is just
a dream - that's hardship...

**********************************








(I'm allowed the occasional less frivolous post)









(17 Syllables)

Doris and Edna...

**************************************

"Look! There's a couple
making love!" - "Well, I never!" -
"Don't you, dear? You should"...

**************************************


















(17 Syllables)

thick as a plank - but not as thieves...

***********************************

"stupid husbands! - when
mine's asleep, I'd rather walk
the plank than wake one"...

***********************************


















(17 Syllables)

stag dos - and stag don'ts...

*******************************

paedophilia,
to a deer, is nothing more
than fawnication...

*******************************








"Is a fawn a little deer?" - "Depends how much you want to pay"...









('Wham bam(bi), thank you, ma'am': 17 Syllables)

when every day's a "when?"sday...

****************************

our priest's become so
scatty, he doesn't even
know what deities...

****************************


















(17 Rather Syllables)

from the richest of foods to untold riches...

******************************************************************

If a calorie contains 4.18400 joules, and one carrot
contains 41 calories, then how many carats are there in
the family joules?

******************************************************************


















No jewels in our family. Just the one little gem - which we're having for tea...

you know it's highly strung, grandad...

****************************************

Grandad just made a
parachute jump! (He sneaked up
on it and yelled "boo!")

****************************************




(A reliable parachute will always let you down. Gently.)




(17 Very Sillybles)

property ladder blues: just a coffee for me...

*************************************

always remember,
son: today's flat white could be
tomorrow's house red...

*************************************








(a coffee today, a semi and a Semillon tomorrow - a man can dream)









('The high Costa living': 17 Syllables)

(no) sex in the city...

********************************************

"My girlfriend comes from
West London" - "Feltham?" - "No, she
won't bloody let me!"...

********************************************


















('Go to town? No chance': 17 Syllables)

a kitchen with a witchin (sorry, gran)

***************************************

Look who's eating bread
and dripping! "Gran, couldn't you
have found a towel first?"...

***************************************








- forget 'aprés-ski', think 'aprés-shower': it's the stuff of wet dreams nightmares...









('Dripping': the middle-age old-age spread of choice: 17 Syllables)

            "DO NOT ENTER"TAINMENT
                    
                      Private Club


                  - Members Only -

                                


                                     Pin (   )


         

   Laptopless dancers (but they're saving for one, so give generously)

                           OPEN TO NON-MEMBERS TODAY, so peruse on...
                                                      
              (and if you don't know where peruse on, it's on the west coast of S.America)

let's hope the next day's a rest day...

***************************************

if all the world's a
stage, the Tour de France is one
hell of a long race...

***************************************








- "HOW many stages?" - er, 21 (3,360km)









('The peloton...and on...and on...': 17 Syllables)

"ouch!" said the joke (I'd nicked it - but I forget from whom)

*******************************

the sharpest way to
razor laugh is to be, well -
on the cutting edge...

*******************************

No wonder James Blunt struggles...




(17 Rather Sillybles)

Spot the Baldy...

4:15pm: poor old grandad, he's got stuck in the crowd again...

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooxoooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

- no wonder he's a little cross...







(the 'little cross' is in the 9th row up, if you don't get the joke)

my missus' hobby: mister baiting...

*************************************

Someone asked my wife
what I was up to these days.
"Eighteen stone," she sighed...

*************************************


















(17 Rather Sillybles)

can I join now? - I mean RIGHT now?...

********************************

if impatience is
a major problem, why not
join Can'tWaitWatchers?...

********************************


















('Is there a waiting list?': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
100 metres: Bolt beats Gatlin - "Cheetah beats cheater. What could be sweeter!" - Poetic justice? You  betcha!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

forward planning - very forward planning...

*************************************

"You love me? Are you
having me on?" - "Yes...having
you on Tuesday. Please?"...

*************************************








- He: Don Juan. She: don juan to. Well, not on Tuesday, anyway...










(17 Rather Sillybles)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For One Direction it seems it's all gone west. Not to mention south, north and east...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

to Heidi...

******************************

I was young once. But
once wasn't enough - so I
plan to be old twice...

******************************


















('I want to get it right': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
               - Andy Murray beats Djokovic in Montreal -
Murray may not be one of the all-time greats yet, but his brother
Jamie is certainly one of the all-time quite-goods...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

on the lam - but not for long...

*************************************

Little Bo Peep, you
needn't cry - they're over there,
in the shepherd's pie...

*************************************






(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those of you who think Chelsea and their current manager uphold the spirit of
sportsmanship, well you've got a point. Just the one. Manchester City, the current
leaders, have got six. Justice? You betcha!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a tad do re me fa-fetched, methinks...

********************************

do bad singers break
into song only if they
can't find the right key?...

********************************


















(17 Syllables)

two hearts beating as - er, two...

***********************************

Mum loves line dancing.
Dad loves laptopless dancers -
"offline dancing, son"...

***********************************


















('Private club - (flaccid erect) members only': 17 Syllables)

calorie counter-espionage...

**************************************

'Ninety calories,'
it read. I could count only
eighty. "They've screwed me!"...

**************************************







- if a calorie contains 4.18400 joules, and one carrot contains 
41 calories, then how many carats are there in 
the family joules?...









(17 Syllables)

from 'Rule, Britannia' to 'Offside rule, Britannia'...

*************************************

Wherefore art thou, 'Great
Britain'? - when did you become
'Celebritannia'?...

*************************************








- from Churchill to downhill: it's now a case of "soccer culture rules, OK" (an oxymoron, if ever there was one...with emphasis on the 'moron', of course)








(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Newsnight presenter Evan Davis made a contentious 'promiscuous gays' comment about Tinder, so many people took a swipe at him. And nearly all to the left, strangely...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

speaking in tongues...

*****************************************

"te amo"..."je t'aime"...
"Ich liebe dich"..."I love you"...
"NO TONGUES! - you promised!"...

*****************************************


















(17 Rather Sillybles)

how many ounces in a Poundland?...

*********************************

if the world's strongest
man's a shoplifter, just how
many can he lift?...

*********************************


















(17 Rather Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Britain's Got Talent controversy: how do you make a collie cross? Make a furore about his stunt double.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

let's hear it for open marriages!...

*********************************************

why promise to love, honour and obey
when you can promis-
cuity?...

*********************************************

(Love, honour and a bay window of opportunity)

I come from a broken bed...

*********************************

mummy and daddy
separated right after
my conception - drenched...

*********************************


















('Seems mummy married a sweater': 17 Syllables)

promiscuity leads to you and I going different ways...

            U <  - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
                                                                           
                                                                                                 
                                                     
                                                      
              P R O M I S C - - T Y
                                                                                   
                                                         
                                                         
                                                         - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > I


            


(there is no 'us' in promiscuo'- -')                                                                    

Friday night is "music" night, if you get my drift...

*******************************************

Are men the weaker
sex? No way! (Though mine's a once-
a-weeker. Sadly)

*******************************************


















('If music be the food of love, fancy some Meat Loaf?': 17 Syllables)

"Mariachi!" the condemned man cried...

********************************

At my wedding there'll
be a "MarryArchie, Not
Me!" band. (My last hope.)

********************************


















('The Funeral Mar--ch-': 17 Syllables)

grumpy old technophobe...

*****************************

of course my wife loves
me - I'm a dinosaur, and
she loves animals...

*****************************


















('Mr and Mrs Dinosaur = Dinosaurus': 17 Syllables)

foreplay - on a bed of rice...

*************************************

a vindaloo is
what I gave her - just the thing
to curry favour...

*************************************


















('What a dish, and a bit of a Goa': 17 Syllables)

business is bad, then?...

****************************

Just as in business,
a haiku's all about the
bottom line. Hat stand.

****************************


















(17 Syllables)

kiddie fiddling in the Catholic Church? - mass perturbation ensues...

*******************************

Everyone knew our
canon was loaded. No-one
knew why he was fired...

*******************************


















(17 Syllables)

when she left, I really Mr (x 5)

*********************************************

I've been engaged five
times now. Dad, bless him, calls them
my five near-Mrs...

*********************************************


















('5 Miss-takes': 17 Syllables)

forget 'Eastern Bloc'...

****************

Dostoevsky,
Chekhov,
Pushkin,
Pasternak,
Gorky,
Tolstoy,
Solzhenitsyn,
Nabokov.

****************








...think Writer's Bloc.










(This took me months to dream up. Obviously)

wow, look at that escarGO! - not...

*********************************

freighters that move at
a snail's pace are little more
than escargo-boats...

*********************************


















('Is "snail's pace" an escargot-slow?': 17 Syllables)

ashes to ashes, dust to dust...

************************************

hoovers that suck are
no worse than parachutes that
always let you down...

************************************


















('English, it'll be the death of me': 17 Syllables)

we punters like a run for our money...

*****************************************

Long-distance runners
run rings round the jumpers. Laps,
I believe they're called...

*****************************************


















('And after the meeting? Hops, kip and a jump. Cheers!': 17 Syllables)

groan...groan...groan...groan...groan...grown-up!

************************************

At last! After six
long months of potty training -
the first flush of youth!...

************************************


















('Eureka! Excreta!': 17 Syllables)

the wheels haven't fallen off yet...

************************************

our café may not
be Michelin-starred, but we've
had a damned Goodyear...

************************************













('He who is tired of life is...tyred of puns?': 17 Syllables)

(wrought) iron man...

*********************************

I'm a cage fighter -
as of yesterday, I've fought
fifty-four cages...

*********************************


















('My friends call me Nicolas. Nicolas Cage Fighter': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
STOP PRESS: The Ashes: Australia lose at Edgbaston. I'm sure they went all out to win -
turns out they just went (all out). Forgot the 'win' bit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the superior sex...

********************************************

"my, how he waffles!"...
she smiled - she knew one kiss would
cut him down to sighs...

********************************************


















('It took a few Krs, but now she's his Mrs': 17 Syllables)

Formula 1: the winning formula...

******************************

'numerous laps of
concentration + no lapse
of concentration'...

******************************








= Formula Won!...









('A chequered (flag) career': 17 Syllables)

3-line car-toon...

*************************************

What did I think when
I broke down on the ring road? -
"Don't get me started!"...

*************************************


















('Road rage': 17 Syllables)

100 metres (disg)race...

*******************************

nothing says "drugs cheat"
more than an injection of
pace - before the race...

*******************************








(And we're not talking 'speed' here. Or are we?)









(17 Syllables)

100 metres (disg)race: the A and B blood samples...

******************************

A: Amphetamine...
B: AmphetaNOTmine... "I
got away with it!"...

******************************








- thank God it was tampered with!...








('There's always a bit of needle': 17 Syllables)

my better half (-hearted)

*************************************

There's nothing my wife
wouldn't do for me. And that's
what she does - nothing...

*************************************




(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

The Personification of Evil...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

There's nothing I wouldn't do for Putin. Which is only fair,

seeing as that's exactly what he's done for me. Nothing.

Except make me wonder why people still believe in God.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

whale arrested for breaching (of the peace)

*****************************

A stranded whale on
a 19 bus? - It's paid its
fare, so why the fuss?...

*****************************


















('Smoking you say? No, we can't have that': 17 Syllables)

a backpacker's guide to hostelling...

************************************************************

3-bed dorm..........hey, you got lucky...
4-bed dorm..........pretty damned good...
6-bed dorm..........it'll do, I guess...
8-bed dorm..........a bit of a struggle...
10-bed dorm.........why am I doing this?...
12-bed dorm.........pretty much hell on earth...
Beni-bloody-dorm......aaaaaaaaaarrrrggggggghhhh!

************************************************************







- hostelling: see the world without paying the earth... 








('Costa Blanca's a place for w**kers the somewhat less adventurous': 17 Syllables)

my fiver day (that's all I spend)

****************************************************

The secret of my
great looks? - Good, wholesome food, mate.
(No fruit or veg, mind)

****************************************************








- putting the 'fat' into  'father'...









('Avoiding the grocer will just make you grosser': 17 Syllables)

67 + 27 = whatever you want it to be...

*********************************

She's too old for me
and I'm too old for her. Do
two wrongs make a right?...

*********************************








- "Mind the gap!" came the cry.  But we didn't, and we don't...









(Marriage is just a number (a cardinal number, not a cardinal sin): 17 Syllables)

'Hebrew'? - that's Builder's tea, right?...

********************************

I'm good with Numbers -
but really struggle with the
rest of the bible...

********************************








- "Never read it, mate. Saw the film, though"...









('Some subjects are best avoided. Religiously': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cricket: The Ashes..."will Bairstow bat at five or six?" people are asking. The way things are going, I fear he'll be batting at two. Until two-fifteen, probably. Let's hope I'm wrong.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

make sure they can't see the punch(line) coming...

********************************************

if you knock someone
out cold, they'll soon come round - to
your way of thinking...

********************************************


















(Putting the 'fist' into 'pacifist': 17 Syllables)

"-les" miserables...

****************************

hell hath no fury
like a haikuist with one
too many syllab... ...

****************************








- bugger!...









'les-less': 17 Syllables. (I wish.)

an immigration scam (viz-a-viz a visa)

********************************************

Mumm's the word! The sham
bride and her sham groom toast their
"marriage". With sham pagne...

********************************************








- tying lying the knot - with Asti Spumante...









('G. H. Mumm Cordon Rouge Asti Spumante, £8.49 from Can't Waitrose': 17 Syllables)

The granny knot. And a marriage (not)...

*************************************

he loves me, he loves
my knot; he loves me, he loves
my knot; he loves me...

*************************************








- sorry, Granny, he's given you the slip knot...









('Tying the...Not This Time': 17 Syllables)

chocolate...

**************************************

if music be the
food of love, then why not tuck
into a few bars?...

**************************************


















('No thanks. I'll stick with Meat Loaf - what a dish!': 17 Syllables)

downtime...

*******************************

sometimes it's good to
disconnect and enjoy your
own company('s staff?)

*******************************









- hands-on boss, hands off employees!...









('I do enjoy my own company (Ltd. though it is)': 17 Syllables)

and I'm not talking speed here...

*********************************

"My son's on crack now -
it's amazing how quickly
they shoot up these days"...

*********************************


















('He heard all the warnings, but took them in vein': 17 Syllables)

the first day of the rest of our lives...

**************************************

I held her in my
eyes and willed her towards me.
"Hi," I said, "I'm John"...

**************************************


















('Love is...': 17 Syllables)

my brother: neither sexist nor ageist - just racist...

...and these are the races he hates:


200 metres,
400 metres,
800 metres,
1,500 metres,
100 metres hurdles,
400 metres hurdles,
5,000 metres,
10,000 metres,
the marathon...





(he's more of a (pretty average) 3,000 metres steeplechase man, bless him)






(He runs rings laps round the field events specialists, mind)

fast-flowing current a/c...

************************************

if you really want
your cash to flow, just place it
all in H2O...

************************************


















('Liquid assets': 17 Sillybles)

collateral damage: a bolt from the blue...

*****************************************

"Friendly fire? From a
crossbow?" (Heaven knows what it
does when it's not cross)

*****************************************


















(''The Archers, 7:00pm": 17 Syllables)

when their get-up-and-go has - well, gone-back-to-bed...

****************************

lazy husbands try
to get out of anything
(except bed, of course)

****************************








(lethargy doesn't run in my old man's family - it walks)









(17 Pretty Sillybles)

I'm already half-baked - so I'm well qualified...

****************************************

"What would you like to
be when you leave college?" "Me? -
a Danish pastry"...

****************************************


















('Low IQ, high fat content': 17 Syllables)

"Comment ca va?" - "No comment. Ca va?"...

***************************************

"So you're bi-lingual,
right?" - "Sure am. Whatever the
language, I get bi-"...

***************************************


















(17 Syllables)

luvvie land: the wrap party...

**************************************************************

"Mwwwaaah!...mwwwaaah!" - "Daaaarling! you 
were soooo..........soooo.........." (translation: "you
were very so-so")

**************************************************************


















(17 Syllables)

"I'm (i)dent(i)cal! - both (i)s are me!"...

************************************

After Joy's cloning,
she found that she was beside
herself with...well, Joy.

************************************


















(17 Sillybillybillybles)

1) "Why him?" 2) "Why here?" 3) "Why now?" - the Three Why?s men...

**********************************

Confucius, he say:
many people like wise man -
no-one like wise guy.

**********************************











- intelligentlemen, take note...









('A word to the wise': 17 Syllables)

I was dribbling before I could walk...

*********************************

I'm a natural
at football, I'm told - a born
placenta forward...

*********************************


















('The midwife didn't slap me, she gave me a kick-start': 17 Syllables)

She's the fiancée. He's the fi(n)ancé...

*********************************

"I'm engaged! - boy, has
that got a nice ring to it!" -
"Expensive?" - "You bet!"...

*********************************


















(The fi(n)ancé: 17 Syllables)

putting the (end) into fri(end)ship...

*********************************

if saying goodbye's like
dying a little, how come I'm
dying to say goodbye?...

*********************************


















('The next time you're passing, just make sure you do': 17 Syllables)

cops charge battery (for time-wasting?)

*************************************

with just a couple
of leads, cops solve the case of
the dead battery...

*************************************


















(17 Syllables)

the town bike...

***************************************

"it's my time of the
month, pet - so don't forget your
menstrual cycle clips"...

***************************************


















('Sleazy rider': 17 Syllables)

well-bred, but not buttered...

***********************************************

"I've gone from redhead
to breadhead" - "How come?" - "I've put
my hair in a bun"...

***********************************************











(17 Syllables)

a year after year after yearning...

***********************************

"To hell with waiting
for 'Miss Right' - what I really
need's a 'Miss Right Now!'...

***********************************








- frustration: as yet, there is no 'us'...









("Now! Now!" I yelled. - "Now, now," they sighed: 17 Syllables)

damn u,topia!...

*************************

woe is me! - lactose
intolerant in a land
of milk and honey...

*************************


















(17 Syllables)

ha! two squares like us! - (and so does she, apparently)

***************************

is "the centre of
a tension" a woman in
a love triangle?...

***************************


















(Two squares, one triangle, gotta laugh! ("he he! (and her)": 17 Sillybillybles)

football v. haiku: 4-4-2 meets 5-7-5...

- raise your glasses: "to his goals and his passes" -

*********************************

George Best: we lament
his passing. But not his, er,
heading or dribbling...

*********************************

- a game of two halves & a pint -

********************************

For Gazza, passing
balls was a doddle. Passing
pubs? - that was tougher...

********************************







(17 Syllables x 2)

Mrs in, misses out (down at the Rose & Crown)

****************************************

whilst drinking rye, his
eyes would roam (for his wife was
shy and staid at home)

****************************************


















(17 Cillables (no names, no pack drill)

what a load of rubbish...

*************************************

Litter louts? They're born
that way - they don't pick it up
as they go along...

*************************************








(told you it was rubbish)









('No-one can pick up trash like a trash can': 17 Syllables)

a game (woman) of two halves - hic!...

*******************************

when magicians want
to saw you in two, it helps
to be half-cut first...

*******************************


















('I saw you': 17 Syllables)

blood: thicker than water (but not ice, apparently)

**********************************

"It's dad! He's ringing
from Antarctica!" - "Tell him
I hate cold callers"...

**********************************


















('Ringing wet cold': 17 Syllables)

sold as (not?) seen...

***********************************

Can I see myself
wearing camouflage clothing?
No. That's the whole point...

***********************************









- if you can't see what you want in the window, then it's working...








(17 Syllables)

more tee-hee time than teatime...

***************************************

"prick with a fork," read
the bag - "click" -  this selfie I've
taken shows the same...

***************************************


















('Prick or dick? Take your pic.': 17 Syllables)

weightlifting: the snatch...

******************************************

World's strongest man holds
up bank. Two white lights, one red!
Gold! The crowd go mad...

******************************************








- lb for £, the best around!...









('Valid lift': 17 Syllables)

To let (when i needed to p)

T O i L E T...............(engaged - i couldn't wait)
-----------------------------------------------------------
T O   L E T...............(vacant - i had left by now)



















                                             from "The Tales of i"
(an educated eejit, with the letters after his name to prove it: j,k,l,m,n,o,p...)

and the winner is...Miss Nuneaton, still unbeaten...

*********************************

     - Miss Anorexic - 
(Winner to receive a cash
    prize. And atrophy.)

*********************************







the advantage of giving up pies is
the winning of sh*tloads of prizes...









('Like mother, like not so father': 17 Syllables)

synchronised swimming: knee-high to a grasshopper...

**************************************

My sister and I
swam in sync for years. Now it's
time to swim in pool...

**************************************


















(17 Very Sillybles)

the 'i' in 'wimp' is me...

*************************************************

My wife's a masseuse,
she kneads muscles. We're well matched -
I need a few, too...

*************************************************


















('Muscles Muscless': 17 Syllables)

blithe spirits (a meeting of...)

**************************************

dad's so laid-back, if
he spied a ghost, he'd just stroll
away in terror...

**************************************








(calmness doesn't run in our family - it walks)









('When 'heedless' meets 'headless': 17 Syllables)

today's post (delivered by hand)

***********************************

letters getting lost
in the post are just problems
that need addressing...

***********************************


















(17 Syllables)

B & Be warned...

*********************************

bedlam & breakfast:
you don't have to be mad to
stay here, but it helps...

*********************************









- you can't beat a bit of r&r in a B&B...








(17 Sillybles)

when your number's up (even if it is ex-directory)

*********************************

How in God's name I'm
going to survive without my
phone, it's hard to tel:

*********************************








- from 'mobile' to 'nobile'...









(17 Syllables)

at least the male won't live to regret it - well, not for long...

**********************************

the Black Widow school
of lovemaking: turn him on -
and then turn on him...

**********************************


















(A spider spied a mate, the mate is now 'the late': 17 Syllables)

positivity course working, then?...

********************************

There's nothing worse than
enforced jollity. Except
perhaps syphilis...

********************************


















(17 Syllables)

chains? - try the chain store...

*************************************

'a relationship
based on trussed' - not just any
sex: S & M sex...

*************************************








- with apologies to Marks & Spencer...










('The bonds of friendship': 17 Syllables)

putting the 'us' into rendezvous...

*****************************************

cozy tete-a-tetes
in smart pieds-a-terre - now that's
what I call frenchship!...

*****************************************


















('Ami-ability': 17 Syllables)

the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away...

***********************************************

"you're great for your age,"
shrugged my doc, "you've got the brains
of a ten-year-old"...

***********************************************


















('Your cholesterol levels are sh*t, mind': 17 Syllables)

17 Sillyble Asperger's...

***********************************

"You sure took your time,
didn't you?" - "I couldn't think
who else's to take"...

***********************************


















(17 Syllables)

exchange and martyr...

*****************************

I've just got some golf
clubs for the Mrs. Not a
bad swap, that, really...

*****************************


















(17 Sillybles)

RIP: from coughin' to coffin...

******************************

dust to dust, ashes
to ashes: life is precious,
far more than cash is...

******************************


















('The aftermath of a wrong die-agnosis': 17 Syllables)

I was a solicitor: the (not very good) tall, dark, italic type...

                   
                      


                                
                              "OBJECTOiN,
                               
                             YOUR HONOUR!"









- but it was i who was nearly always out of order...

X Factor: get out the hankies...

**********************************

"I've got lumbago":
(some X Factor singers have
a bad back story)

**********************************


















(17 Syllables)

*************************************************************
Some football fixtures are pretty dire. Sepp Blatter, for one...
*************************************************************

size 16/sighs deeply: the changing cubicle...

******************************************

"Damn!" (Jayne studies her
birthday suit) - "Way too large! - so
how come it fits? Damn!"...

******************************************








"I wonder if they have it in bronze?"...









('XXXLent taste, madam': 17 Syllables)

old age - don't knock it (it might fall over)

******************************

far better to be
around ninety than not to
be around at all...

******************************




("Dead right, mate": 17 Syllables)

forget white-collar or blue-collar, think 'no collar'...

****************************

he who puts the 'vest'
into 'investigate': the
very plain-clothes cop...

****************************


















(17 Syllables)

poor circulation? - that's more of a GP thing...

*****************************

psychologists love
newspaper editors - boy,
do they have issues!...

*****************************


















(17 Syllables)

it's IV, you dummy!...

*****************************

I was so bad at
Latin, my teacher didn't
half give me what VI...

*****************************


















('Clever dick': 17 Syllables)

THE KING AND I

*****************************



     THE K - NG


  

   (the king without i)




*****************************

Posh 'n' Becks...

**************************************

"Beckham read games well -
and finished most of 'em, too...
unlike Posh 'n' books...

**************************************

He read games well,

And finished most of 'em...Hero.

----------------- o -----------------

He read books badly,

And finished only three...Zero.

----------------- o ------------------


















('By her own admission': 17 Syllables)

marriage b_ _eau: what's missing? u r - so why not sign up today?...

***********************************

these marriage bureaux
do try hard - mine's given me
twelve women to date...

***********************************








...that's twelve and counting - on meeting 'the one'...









('So far so good-bye-bye-bye-bye-bye...': 17 Syllables)

do not try this at home...

Cutty Sark,
HMS Bounty,
Queen Elizabeth,
Queen Mary,
Ark Royal,
Golden Hind...








- listing ships can be dangerous. 










(Depending on how much they're listing.)

you can't beat a hot dog - well, not too hard...

***********************************

I have to put our
dog out every night. It sleeps
far too near the fire...

***********************************


















('Some like it hot': 17 Sillybles)

tolerant? - my proboscisn't...

*********************************************

many things get up
my nose - things that oughtn't, they're
so unimpoughtn't...

*********************************************


















(17 Syllables)

my funds are exhausted...

************************************

when I took my cash
out shopping we both returned
home pretty much spent...

************************************








"no change" is as good as a rest - and I certainly returned home with no change...










(17 Syllables)

synchronised diving - not...

 ***********************************

"I did a double
somersault yesterday" - "With
pike?" - "No, on my own"...

************************************


















('Synchronicity: when neither of the two i's is me': 17 Syllables)

our nation of shopkeepers' political leaders...

************************************

As with our shops, most
parties need loss leaders. Fail,
and they're no great loss...

************************************


















('Miliband, Farage, Clegg': 17 Syllables)

non-commercial break...

Dear Reader,

Good news for Juan and all: I shall be away with the fairies until mid-May...

I'm flying to The Land of Cheese Fondue,
(Dalasi in hand, if you're needing a clue)

Abnormal service will be resumed upon my return...Insha'Allah.

Fare thee well...

less of a customer, more of an inn-patient...

*****************************

Beer's the best local
anaesthetic. At least, it
is in my local...

*****************************








(just as exercise is good for whatever ails one, so ale is good for whatever exercises one)









(17 Syllables)

Vincent, son of Mary (Hefter)

*******************************

I'm not religious -
I'm more into non-prophet
organizations...

*******************************


















("Thank God for atheists": 17 Syllables)

my pet hates...

*********************************

When my cat spied the
taxidermist, it jumped out
of its skin. Saved time...

*********************************


















(From 'dead scared' to 'scared dead': 17 Rather Sillybles)

a family outing to 'Mad World'...

****************************************

"Please do not feed them 
lines," reads the comedians' cage
at the funny farm...

****************************************









"chuck us some nuts, pet"-"any bananas, pet?"-"share that sandwich, pet?" ...
(a petting farm, obviously)









(17 Syllables)

foul, ref!...

********************************

tackling racism
by knocking it on the head
must be a red card!...

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('Dangerous play': 17 Syllables)