it does what it says on the tin...

*********************************************

go on a crash diet
and - quelle surprise! - you'll end up
looking like a wreck...

*********************************************






(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now he's going vegan, will he call himself Lewis (No Ham)ilton?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

when 'deadpan humour' becomes 'bedpan humour'...

***********************************

it's a fact of life:
'on the wayout'patients soon
become inpatients...

***********************************





('When life's too serious to take seriously': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Oxford student too bright for jail? (Mail). Then why not
lock her up in one of her very own brain cells?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a fast bowler, Ben Stokes usually has a bouncer up his
sleeve. Pity there wasn't one outside the Bristol nightclub,
if only to help save him from himself...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

anything but Cancer...

********************************

reading the letter
again, I search for a sign -
please God it's Taurus...

********************************






("On their way out"patients who soon become inpatients': 17 Syllables)
===========================================================
It's National Poetry Day. This year's theme: 'Freedom'. Sponsored by the Trussed Bank.
===========================================================
You couldn't make it up! Well, that's not true, I just did. But it IS National 
Poetry Day, the theme IS 'Freedom' (and this IS my contribution).
(A Trussed Bank is where your money's all tied up, haha...)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

*************************************************************

Surely the right-on department store (Mail)
should change its name to Janet & John Lewis?...

*************************************************************






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 6)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LABOUR: "FOR THE MANY, NOT THE FEW(TURE)," as far as I'm
concerned. Not that the Tories are much better at the moment. What a mess...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***********************************************

World War 1 - World War 2 (away win)

***********************************************

unless the husband's a vegan, of course...

****************************************

wives as breadwinners?
great! (leave the bacon for your
hubby to bring home!)

****************************************






('Bringing home the bacon': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daily Mail, top of page 13: American footballers won't stand for
National Anthem. Bottom of page 13: British pedants won't stand
for split infinitives. Cultural divide? What cultural divide, haha...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A theist is a tea addict, apparently (Mail). Atheists, too, are
known to drink it religiously (not in the Mail)...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************************************

AGRAPHOBIA: a fear of going near the Taj Mahal...

**************************************************************





(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 5)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
James Middleton's embarking on a new business, apparently. He's
calling it 'Wrip Wrap'. I wonder if he needs a salesman? I'd love to
be a Wrip Wrap wrep!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dead jocular - not...

***************************************

he died laughing - 'mans
laughter,' they called it...but it
sure wasn't funny...

***************************************



(If laughter's the best medicine, how come he died?
Probably because it's also contagious, I guess)




('Murder most foul': 17 Syllables)

inhale & hearty, enjoy the party!...

***************************************

you're no rock & roll
band if you don't smoke rock &
roll banned substances...

***************************************






(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only 1% of marmalade buyers are under 28, apparently (Mail).
Definitely a case of middle-age spread, I'd say...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

pissed as a pistol...

*********************************

"What's a shot glass, dad?" -
"It's Waterford crystal hit
by a pystal, son"...

*********************************







(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The FA sacked Mark Sampson. "We didn't want Eni trouble," they said.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

warning: a tad risky (as in 'aster*sky')

************************************

if TH*S is a SH*T
anagram, then how come my
wife likes it so much?...

************************************






('Forgive the, ahem, colourful language': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
So the PM wants to forge a brighter and better future. Forge?
Why not give us the real thing, Theresa?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

assassination: the shot..the bullet in..the bullet out..the bulletin...

********************************

if  'amo' means 'I
love' in Latin, does 'ammo'
mean 'I love bullets'?...

********************************






(17 Syllables)

an ass and his assets...

*************************************

"words set in order
are mental possessions": these
seven, they're heaven...

*************************************






(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm told the PM tried to put the whole Boris business to bed
by giving him an almighty dressing gown. But he gave her
the slip - whose, I don't know. Sorry, did I say 'dressing gown'?
I meant 'dressing down'...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

could love be blossoming at a certain botanical gardens?...

*****************************************

"I like Kew," Janet
whispered. "I like you, too," John
replied, hopefully...

*****************************************







(17 Syllables)

how accurate is that 'long arm of the law' of yours?...

*************************************

Moped muggers? Throw
the book at them! (One direct
hit, and they'll fall off)

*************************************







(17 Syllables)

when a muchacha-cha leads you a merry dance...

*********************************

looking for 'the right
one,' why did I end up with
a right one? again!...

*********************************






(17 Syllables)

well, that explains that, then...

************************************

missing: one black and
white cat - doesn't answer to
the name of Tiddles...

************************************






(17 Syllables)

       
       
         there's more to love
              than just lusting after stick-thin models -
                      in fact, if the figure's fuller,
             there's more to love
      

I should have guessed...

*************************************

"You a dentist?" I
asked. "No, photographer!" he
snapped. And snapped. And...

*************************************







(17 Sillybles)

that Jong-un's a wrong 'un...

**********************************************************

Kim: I'll target U.S. base next (Mail).
Those Kardashians, they'll be the death of us...

**********************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 1)

terminal...

************************************

perfunctory hugs.
"see you," she says. solitude,
a blessed relief...

************************************






(17 Syllables)

not so terminal...

*********************************

alone at last...but
we had a blast! (a splendid
time should always rhyme)

*********************************






(17 Syllables)

*********************************************************************

My wife couldn't agree more with Liz Jones (MoS)
when it comes to an apt response to marriage proposals:
"if you're torn between a rock and a hard place, just
check out the size of the rock!" is how she puts it...

*********************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 27)

Amsterdam cruises: they're 'hop on, hop off', not 'hop on, NOD off' - stay awake, dear...

******************************************

cannabis tea - it
sure helps you cope with all those
tulips and windmills...

******************************************






(17 Syllables)

3rd! - a vicarious & vaguely victorious sort of recognition...

**************************************************************************

My February 17 one-liner ("I've given up asking rhetorical
questions. What's the point?") has just been voted Edinburgh
Fringe 2017's 3rd funniest joke. Attributed to Alexei Sayle, the
thieving b*stard, haha...I also posted it here as a humorous
haiku on October 15, 2015. Oh, well, at least it's good to
know it's officially funny. Though I prefer the word 'witty'.

**************************************************************************

********************************************

Pushy parent Minesh Doshi: the dad
who put the 'us' into Child Genius...

********************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 23)

Big Ben out of commission for 4 years...

*************************************

A silent Big Ben?
Will 'Health & Safety' now get
the no bell Peace Prize?...

*************************************







(17 Syllables)

***************************************************

"I wish Wayne would put the bins
out," complains Coleen. - Isn't it enough
that your husband plays rubbish, Coleen?
Give the man a break!

***************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 20)

haiku hiatus (hefter's harbouring a houseguest for a couple of weeks)

****************************************

greater love hath no
man than this, that he lay down
his pen for his guest...

****************************************








('A fortnight's furlough follows': 17 Syllables)

two-track minded...

**************************************

no, my boyfriend's not
just after one thing - he wants
me to feed him, too...

**************************************







(17 Syllables)