thanks a bunch, darling...

************************************

Say it with flowers? At
thirty-five pounds a bouquet,
who says talk is cheap?...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------
Typhoo(n): storm in a teacup?
-------------------------------------

*******************************************

teachers who reach the top should
quit while they're a head...

*******************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 9)

*******************************************************************

Those pet psychics' two dogs Oenghus & Delilah
may well talk sense. It's their owners who are barking.
At least, that's what MY dog thinks (Mail)...(Sadly
reduced to 'Those pet psychics (Mail) are barking')...
bast*rds!...

*******************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 7)

Expensive funerals. What a RIP-off...

***************************************

funerals are so
dear these days - more of a RIP
-off than a send-off...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------
An Adonis may call his home a bachelor pad -
to his many girlfriends it's a 'handsome man'sion...
--------------------------------------------------------------

a Mail on Sunday double...

************************************************************

Donald Trump says he'd love to rejoin the
Paris Accord. When might that be exactly?
When the climate's right? Could be a long wait...

************************************************************

In You Magazine last week, writer Samantha
Brick (right) said she's had a 30-year peroxide
habit, costing £65,000. If she's ever asked to
describe her hair colour, I suggest she replies
"vanity fair"...

************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter & Vincent Hefter (aka C.Schaffer), Mail on Sunday, February 4)

********************************************************************

Trump "cheats like hell" at golf, says pro (Mail).
But he certainly has no need to cheat in his day job -
he's a natural: well below par, week after week.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
(Edited (sterilised) down to "Trump may cheat at golf
(Mail), but he's below par in his day job.") - B*stards!...

********************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 2)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are gender-neutral university toilets best described as 'uni-sex'?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God only knows - and he's not telling...

********************************

why is it that the
thickest of people possess
the thinnest of skins?...

********************************



('Pores for thought': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Which Scottish city is named after Agnetha Faltskog,
Bjorn Ulvaeus, Frida Sundemo and Benny Andersson?
-ABBAdeen!...
----------------------------------------------------------------

The Clangers: knit one, drop one...

***************************************

The Clangers were quite
a close-knit bunch - I've still got
one of their patterns...

***************************************



('Yet another purl of wisdom. Not.': 17 Syllables)

take her twice her day? - but she's not my type!...

*************************************

The PM? - human
Mogadon! (And her words are
hard to swallow, too...)

*************************************



(17 Syllables)

****************************************************************

"I bet they'll never ban gambling ads on TV before
the  watershed," I said to my wife. "A fiver says they
will," chipped in my son. All is lost!...

****************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 31)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's not because it's written in the stars that divas get the best
of everything - it's because it's written in the stars' contracts...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

don't worry, I spat in their tea, son...

*******************************************

"my imaginary
friends aren't very nice, dad - they
keep ignoring me"...

*******************************************



"An only child is always on the threshold of life" (Rudolf Steiner)



("Can't you ignore them first?"suggested mum: 17 Syllables)

and boy, is she bright!...

**********************************

my better half? she's
the light of my life - and so
easy to turn on!...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)

3 cheers for double hip replacements! Hip hip...

************************************

Mum's hip replacements
means she no longer runs her
hotel. She walks it...

************************************



(17 Syllables)

even if she turns out to be not that bright...

*************************************

she may not be the
light of your life, but hey, you
can still turn her on...

 ************************************



(17 Syllables)

or does she get someone to hold it for her?...

***********************************

the Queen's so posh, she
even dons a pair of white

gloves to hold her breath...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)

a bit late now, Rover...

*******************************************

Sold my retriever
today. Fetched ninety quid. Makes
a change from damp sticks...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)

mirror - signal - what the ****?!...

********************************************

drive someone up the
wall and round the bend, and you'll
fail your driving test...

********************************************



(17 Syllables)

*********************************************

"I'm a pretty good wrapper," I said.
"Don't you mean 'rapper'?" she asked.
"No, I only do covers"...

*********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 26)

************************************************************

Don't know why, but the Daily Mail are still
plugging away with this ancient list:...
------------------------------------------------------------
INNtent: marquee in the pub garden,
INNsipid: pub with no atmosphere,
INNspector: CAMRA researcher,
INNtention: I'm going to get really drunk tonight,
INNtact: "I think you might have had enough, sir",
INNsufficient: I KNOW when I've had enough,
INNsomnia: drunken stupor...
------------------------------------------------------------

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 25)

************************************************************

***********************************************

If a librarian's late for work and gets
the book thrown at her, does she have
to return it by its due date?...

***********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 24)

missing her a lot'll mean hitting the bot'll...

************************************

not only did my
ex break my heart, the liver's
now on life support...

************************************



(17 Syllables)

it's only sex that the Mrs hands me on a plate...

********************************

I've got my husband
eating out of my hand - it
saves on the dishes...

********************************



(sinking into his
arms...far better than having
your arms in his sink)



(17 Syllables x 2)

Measure for Measure...

*********************************

I read the Richter
Scale at Oxford. - "Get a 1.
1?" - No, a 6.4...

*********************************



(17 Syllables)

reading matter for the less well-educated...

*********************************

"I'm a member of
the litterati" - "Why TWO 
't's?" - "'Cos I read trash"...

*********************************



(17 Syllables)

(not so) easy come, (far too) easy go...

 **************************************

"Money talks," to coin
a phrase (just a quick "goodbye"
as it turns and waves)

***************************************



(17 Syllables)

times are hard - harder than the damned toffee...

************************************

It's Werther's Fakes for
me these days - I can't afford
the Originals...

************************************




(17 Syllables)

coffee? - I drink it religiously, me...

***********************************

Church of Jesus Christ
of Latte-day saints? "Must be
their coffee morning!"...

***********************************




(17 Syllables)

my son Jack, a soft and malleable lead guitarist...

**************************************

yes, lead's a heavy
metal, son - why else do bands
have lead guitarists?...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)

'nuff said...

****************************************

if the sign reads "DO
NOT ENTERtainment", you know
it's members only...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)

and it's still only 8:30am...

***********************************

"Happy?" - "Yes, always,"
she replies, "I'm with Jesus".
I need a coffee...

***********************************



('Some people are to be avoided. Religiously': 17 Syllables)

when in London, do as the Venetians do...

***********************************

if we didn't have
Venetian blinds, it would be
curtains for us all...

***********************************




(17 Syllables)