Johnson & Rees-Mogg? Heaven help us!...

*****************************

A recipe for
disaster? Boris is nuts
and Jacob's crackers!...

*****************************



Not so much 'Eton educated' as half-eaten educated...



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
I raise my hat to Jofra Archer. Quite appropriate,
that - seeing as it's also a bowler, haha...
------------------------------------------------------------

oops, wrong dream!...

******************************************

my new car drives like
a dream - the one where this huge
carrot's chasing me...

******************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
White (House) supremacyst: painful US Presidential affliction...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yippee! Another Daily Mail double!...

******************************************

Building castles in the air requires
more than a few breeze blocks...

******************************************

£500 for a pot of tea (Mail)?
For richer, for pourer...

*******************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 26)
---------------------------------------------------------------
(Truth be told, I prefer the alternative: £500 for a
pot of tea? What does it come with? 22 carat cake?)
---------------------------------------------------------------

"fore!"...

***********************************

why, when I get out
my sand wedge, do I end up
slicing every shot?...

***********************************


one round or two, darling?...


(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now Ffordd Pen Llech has been declared the steepest street
in the world, will its café start charging the steepest prices?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
No doubt about it, Theresa May was a jolly good egg.
Such a shame she never really came out of her shell...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

PM's first appointments...

*********************************

Boris, will you now
replace Larry the Cat with
Jacob Rees-Moggie?...

*********************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------------
A Johnson/Farage alliance? That's one way
of guaranteeing a pact House at PMQs, haha...
---------------------------------------------------------

Yippee! A Daily Mail double!...

*****************************************************************

My son's been a Spurs supporter since about seven.
It's half past now, so I think it's serious...

*****************************************************************

Maybe they should change the current US President's
address to 'The Very, Very, White House'...

*****************************************************************
(racist pr**k that he is)



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 23)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm a lightweight. Even weak tea makes me PG tipsy!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

a contradiction in terms?...

****************************************

Sex? Sadly, I soon
get bored. "Yes, but at least you
get bored stiff," laughs Jane...

****************************************



------------------------------------
making love? - better
to be bored stiff than not to 
be bored at all, right?...
------------------------------------



(17 Syllables x 2)
-----------------------------------------
Hair of the dog? Paw me another!
-----------------------------------------

**********************************************************************

What's the difference between 'talk' and 'speech'? -
Whilst talk is often cheap, speech should always be free.
Someone tell Scotland Yard...

**********************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 21)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems not all the furniture going in to No.10 is brand new.
A scruffy dresser was also seen entering, haha...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

nothing like a bit of needle...

*****************************************

those rich veins of form
sprinters find - are they the ones
they inject into?...

*****************************************



crossing the line (in first place, probably)



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Pitch perfect: the cricket groundsman's done his job...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Trump? Thin-skinned? You don't say...

*******************************************

if people are as
thick as their skin, then Trump's an
absolute genius...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trump tweets about the 'average IQ articles' Thomas Friedman
writes in the New York Times - which probably explains why
they go way over his head...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************

penury means, if invited out, you
can only get dressed to the twos...

*******************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 19)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is there anything in UK firearm regulations other than bullet points? 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

lust of the summer wine...

**************************************

Synonym for 'love'?
That's easy! "And for 'passion'?"
Well, that's much ardour...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sadly, my girlfriend didn't make the grade as a Formula 1
driver - she's a lap dancer now. Still fast, though - she
managed 49 laps in 2 hours last night...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Where's the least painful place to get a tattoo?" - "Leeds?"...

***********************************

if tattooists don't
suffer for their art, why the
hell should their clients?...

***********************************



who knew a load of pricks could make something so beautiful?...



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------
Blancmangetout: very, very sweet peas...
---------------------------------------------------------------
If a glass of juice a day raises the risk of cancer 
(news item), don't drink it out of a glass. Simples.
---------------------------------------------------------------

wacky cracky...

****************************

Crazy paving? Right
outside the psychiatric
hospital? Nice one!...

****************************



goes right round the bend, too...



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Only in the civil service can plum jobs go to mandarins...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

not that Trump seems to care...

****************************

leaving a mark on
society's not the same
as leaving a stain...

****************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
How did the England cricket team celebrate their World
Cup win? With Root beer and Captain Morgan rum?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

does it come in a Rin Tin Tin?....

*******************************

I tried some very
tasty dog food yesterday -
German Shepherd's pie...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Prince Harry's Invictus Games are to be sponsored by an
arms dealer (news item), I only hope the arms are prosthetic...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

first service, second service, national service...

**************************************

Federer never
joined the army, though he did
serve at Wimbledon...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The World Cup-winning England cricket team's favourite
tipple? Captain Morgan! (If it wasn't before, it should be now)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

***********************************************

I've been watching telly on and off for
years - though mostly when it's on...

***********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, DailyMail, July 12)

*************************************************

Who cares if we've upset Donald Trump?
'MAKE AMERICA IRATE AGAIN!'

*************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 11)

me? a door-able? hardly...

********************************

I'm a knob! So what?
At least it means I can fly
off my own handle...

********************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having your advice ignored by Mrs May, and being insulted
by the British ambassador: Twin Piques, starring Donald Trump
(contains gratuitous name-calling and lack of diplomacy)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*************************************************************

Roger Federer? The greatest! And that's not a
backhand compliment - it's a backhand, forehand,
serve, volley, smash AND lob compliment!...

*************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 9)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I quite fancy Maria Sharapova. Thing is, I quite fancy
Feliciano Lopez, too. Does that make me bi-kyrios?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

6.4...7.2...5.9?...

***************************************

how can you find out
the size of an earthquake? - ask
a sizemologist!...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------
Ginger arsonists burn quicker in the sun...
---------------------------------------------------

the 'fiction' of crucifiction?...

**************************************

"I'm screwed," sighed Jesus
on the cross. Not quite true - I
believe they used nails...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Britsh Ambassador to Washington has compared Trump
to The Terminator. Four years is bad enough - heaven help us
if he ever becomes a 'Second Term'inator!...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

contains adult humour and boobies...

************************************

comicalness: the
more 'adult' the humour, the
more puerile the joke?...

************************************



('Jimmy Carr-crash': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Me? I'm as fit as a fiddle!" (Said the renowned lyre)
---------------------------------------------------------------

look, he's waving...

*********************************************

swimming with dolphins
is cheap - swimming with sharks can
cost an arm and aaaaaarrggghhhh!...

*********************************************



('Went out sober, came back legless': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------
A few breast strokes on a first date probably
means you're getting along swimmingly, haha...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Old folk CAN bite back, Mr Paxman - if they've got
their dentures in!...(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 5)
-------------------------------------------------------------------

#MeToo...

*****************************************

you know you need help

when you've hit the bottom - and

the bottom's not yours!...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pillaried: just how many Greek columns does your bungalow need?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

non compost mentis...

***************************************

my dad's confused - "you
have to know your onions when
you grow carrots, son"...

***************************************



Compost mentis: able to follow the instructions on a bag of fertiliser...



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Steph Houghton Mrs Penalty!' (England Mr great opportunity - what a miss)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COMPOST MENTIS: I'm

in complete control of my

potato peelings...

TV meal for one: tagliatelly! (That's another)

************************************

Pasta jokes? They're 10
a penne, mate (but that's the
only one I know.)

************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abridge Too Far: biopic about a cut-throat features editor...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Sea, Black Sea, Nausea...

********************************

Our last cruise on a
liner was RUBBISH. Liner?
BIN liner, more like...

********************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
Trump? In-ept? In-secure? In-competent? Is that
what being part of the In-crowd means?...
------------------------------------------------------------

what's on the telly, love? - an ashtray, honey...

****************************************

We've watched telly on
and off for years. Jane when it's
on, me when it's off...

****************************************



('Not a great telly lover': 17 Syllables)

not another PICA$$000,000!...

*************************************

Wherever he went,
Picasso drew large crowds. In
pen and ink, mostly...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Italic type. After so many sexual assault claims, probably
the only type Donald Trump can safely admit to fancying...
("not my type", my arse)
------------------------------------------------------------------------