******************************************************

LondON...LondON...LondOFF:
lockdown measures give a whole new
meaning to the term 'capital punishment'...

******************************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------
If 'hospital nurses' tend to our physical needs, do
'garden nurse'ries tend to the spiriual? Yes, they
bloody do. End of... (The closer you are to nature,
the further you are from mental instability)
--------------------------------------------------------------

stop-start technology for dummies...

********************************

Wind up a watch and
it keeps going - wind up a
meeting and it stops...

********************************



('Best way to wind up your friends? Write a haiku!': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I do catastrophise," writes Liz Jones. Catastropheyes?
Isn't that what you get when your mascara starts to run?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyone who spells out the words 'hamberger' and 'Noble
Prize' in his tweets probably IS a stabel genius!...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

too soon?...

*************************************************************

As my dad was turning the corner recovering from
coronavirus, my mum was going round the bend
with worry. It was lucky they didn't collide!..

*************************************************************
---------------------------------------------
Donald Trump: the more
twisted the man, the straighter
the jacket required?... (17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
DONALD TRUMP (Equus ferus caballus): STABLE GENIUS, indeed.
------------------------------------------------------------

social distancing: when will it end?...

************************************

"Two's company, three's
a crowd!...Hugs 'n' kisses not
allowed!" Not happy...😢

************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Talk about role reversal! Led my binmen to a
flowerpot in the garden yesterday. "What are you
doing?" they asked. "Taking YOU to the tip," I replied.
Then handed them the £20 tip hidden underneath...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

a festival of, ahem, social distancing...

*******************************************************************

Just watched PMQs. Reminded me of Woodstock.
Never seen so many people spaced out in one place!...

*******************************************************************

it's not love that's in the air, sadly...

**************************************

I don't like to go
out these days. I can smell the
atmosfear out there...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------
I bet the sum 'decluttering guru' Marie Kondo has
made over the years is a pretty tidy one. Seeing as
she almost certainly tidied it herself...
--------------------------------------------------------------

Lockdown lock-ins...

********************************************

I'm partial to a beer or a gin,
But to party's now considered a sin.
So I drink on my own
In what by day is my home,
But at night is 'The Quiet Night Inn'.

********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 21)
----------------------------------------------
Oh, to be stuck on Necker Island!
'Paradisolation', by any other name...
----------------------------------------------

For some, there is no 'us' in coronavir--

**********************************

I have no kids, I
have no wife - but a life on
hold is still a life...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------
How do you spell nappy? - "Na...pee-pee...y"!
---------------------------------------------------------
DIA_ER - Yippee! There's no pee in this diaper!
---------------------------------------------------------

Collins or Oxford English?...

******************************************

"Bonehead...Cretin...Dork...
Fool...Jerk...Moron...Twit" - 'a bit
of a dick'tionary...

******************************************



(17 Very Sillybles)
------------------------------------------------------------------
"It's my personality," says Boris Johnson, "I gaffe". No
wonder his Cabinet colleagues call him "the gaffer"!...
------------------------------------------------------------------

post-coronavirus...

**************************************************************

Will  "!#£$%^&(&^%)$^@*£!"  be the new normal?...

**************************************************************
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Ingram and his wife apparently helped in the making of the
ITV mini-series, 'Quiz'. Must have helped replenish the, er, coffers?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************

Social distancing
is great! (As (very, very)
far as I'm concerned)...

******************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 14)
-----------------------------------------------------
Just separated a few eggs in the kitchen.
Why restrict social distancing to humans?...
-----------------------------------------------------

Our Foreign Secretary...

********************************************

Poor old Dominic. He looks like
a Raabit caught in the headlights...

********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 13)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just what we needed to get us through lockdown: a Brian
May/Kings Daughter charity single that's really infectious!...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

***********************************************************

It's obviously infectious: since Trump started
on his interminable White House press briefings,
I'm told even the roses in the Rose Garden have
started rambling...

***********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, April 12)

Bojo's coronavirus Cabinet...

*****************************

if a Cabinet
meeting is digital, how
do you wind it up?...

*****************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Pre-isolation, my wife used to drive me to the shops.
Now I'm reciprocating by driving her up the wall.
Ain't life grand!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

only the breadfruit!...

********************************

is 'enjoying the fruits
of my baking labour' part
of my 5-a-day?...

********************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------
RIP, Tim Brooke-Taylor. A country goes into
Mourning(ton Crescent). (Vincent Hefter, Daily
Mail, April 15). I'm sure he'd be the first to say
he felt a bit funny before he died, for 'funny' he
always was...
-----------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************************

Does social distancing mean there can now
be no more than two feet in a yard?...

*****************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 9)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
DORK, FOOL, JERK, MORON, TWIT - A bit of a dick-tionary...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************************

Listening to Chopin might well make me
smarter (news item), but being Brahms and
Liszt sure makes me happier!...

*****************************************************
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three astronauts who've just arrived on the International
Space Station are quoted as saying it's "the safest place on
earth". Conspiracy theorists must love that! Whereabouts on
earth is it, exactly?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

*************************************************************

Who cares about the oxygen of publicity (a
vainglorious Trump, for starters) when sometimes
oxygen alone is all that really matters (Boris
Johnson). A salutary lesson for us all. Get well
soon, Boris - put a sock in it, Trump... (7/4/20)

*************************************************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HORRORSCOPE - a highly contagious virus will sweep round
the world and bring it to a complete standstill some time in 2020...
No wonder they've spelt it with three r's!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************************

'Is having sex better than scoring a goal?'
asks Gary Lineker. Might as well ask if
a post-coital cigarette is better than
an in-off-the-post-coital one!...

**************************************************
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gary 'I never crossed the Line'ker: no wonder he never got booked!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Christ has risen!" - Jesus, is there nothing Paul Hollywood won't
bake? (Hey, it is Easter.) More than enough to make any hot bun cross...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grounded...

*****************************************************

A man who once travelled and travelled
Cried "how quickly my life has unravelled!"
(He's forbidden to roam,
So now's stuck at home
With its drive that's yet to be gravelled)

*****************************************************

You've got a lot to answer for, coronavirus...

-------------------------------------------------------------
I'm doing nothing to save lives, and you can't
do more than that. As long as you do it at home...
-------------------------------------------------------------

health and safety...

********************************

♫ Love Is In The Air! ♫
Wear a mask! (Or is it the
coronavirus?)...

********************************


(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------
I do nothing these days, but I'm getting
on a bit, so it takes a little longer now...
--------------------------------------------------

Coronavirus shopping...

*****************************************

Wow, the queues outside
Waitrose! Why don't they rename
it 'Wait...Wait...Waitrose'?...

*****************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------
Do bakers think 'enjoying the fruits of their
labour' counts towards their 5-a-day?...
-----------------------------------------------------

repel all boarders!...

*****************************************

if an Englishman's
home's his castle, who's in charge
of the moat control?...

*****************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 1, 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
VAR: roundly criticised in football - ovally criticised in rubgy?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coronavirus: fancy a pint of home brew?...

**************************************

Thank God for 'The Quiet
Night Inn'. Never closes. Food's
not up to much, mind...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)

*************************************************

Is snoring the sound of 'sound asleep'?...

*************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 31)

Trump's Fox and Friends 'chats'...

***************************************************

Bloody hell! Now Trump's in the White
House, even the roses in the White House
Rose Garden have started rambling!...

***************************************************

*******************************************************

So the economy could shrink by 15%?
Just like my socks when they come out
of the wash! If laundering money had the
same effect, there'd be no more laundering!

*******************************************************

there IS no 'us' in coronavirus...

************************************

Guess who I spotted
on my way home today! - No-
one! God knows I tried...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
We all knew it: as Trump saw off USNS Comfort to New York
City, the only ratings he was really interested in were his own.
Naval ratings? They were as nothing to him. Well, maybe we
didn't all know it - but many of us thought it...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

anus horribilis...

************************************

when it comes to jokes
about haemorrhoids, believe
me, mate, I've got piles!...

************************************



(So THAT'S why he does stand-up, and not sitcom, haha...)



(17 Syllables)

**********************************************************

If I win anything on the virtual Grand Nationl
due to be broadcast next Saturday, I'll probably
celebrate by drinking some Champagne.
Virtually the whole bottle, I imagine. I think
that would be appropriate...

**********************************************************

Bad taste in the time of coronavirus...

********************************************************

A temporary mortuary is to be set up at
Birmingham Airport (news item).  Presumably
for those who arrive dead on time?...

********************************************************



("So it'll not be a big one, then?" - Ed.)