Everybody's Talking About Jamie...

*************************************************************

I met a morphosis on set in Sheffield last summer.
Turned out to be Richard E. Grant in drag...

*************************************************************
---------------------------------------------------------------
Hungry? Small rice, £1.00...Large rice, £2.00...Avarice, £5.00...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
There's nothing sadder than a single-parenthesis family)
--------------------------------------------------------------------

they do if they're nuts, haha...

************************************

do men who marry
washer women put small flat
rings on their fingers?...

************************************



('Nuts and washers': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------
One door closes, another one slams in your
face...I was a volunteer police cadet for a while.
Turns out I wasn't much cop...(Vincent Hefter,
Daily Mail, May 15)
-----------------------------------------------------------
Never mind 'who let the dogs out?', who the
f*** let the 'stable genius' out of the stable?...
-----------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************

Exercise boosts even a couch potato's brain,
apparently (news item). Exercising my right
to watch telly all day long - does that count?

*******************************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'This pandemic has taught me to appreciate the smaller things in
life,' writes Susanna Reid. My wife agrees. 'How small?' I asked.
'About a couple of carats,' she suggested...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife agrees with Eva Green: heels are sexist (news item).
And she should know - she tells me she dated a few in her time...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A great al fresco family meal - and social distancing? Call it for
what it is: a picnic hamper - and a picnic hampered...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Club sandwich?" - "Depends on the club, old boy"...

*******************************************************

The restaurants may be closed, but I'm still
in for a two-course treat: Sunningdale, here
I come! Old course first, New course later...

*******************************************************

High forehead? Tick! - Low IQ? Tick!...

*************************************

My hair used to be
pretty thick. Not now. But the
rest of me still is!...

*************************************



('Doh!': 17 Syllables)

**********************************************************

Can non-stick pans cause coeliac disease in the
young? (news item). That's all the world needs:
a non-stick pandemic!...

**********************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------
"I talk to my herbs every day," Vic Reeves tells the
papers today. Me, too. FaceThyme mostly...
(No more Rosemary and Basil jokes, OK?)
-------------------------------------------------------------

"Yummy, animals and birds!" (As he scoffs the rabbits and swallows)

*************************************

- Focaccia Art -
Such a pity the Chelsea
Flour Show's been cancelled...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Farewell, beloved Nigel, star of stage, screen and dog basket...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies...

*******************************************************

We have to hope the members of SAGE know
their onions - otherwise we're all stuffed!...

*******************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 11)
------------------------------------------------------------
Should whoever drew up Boris's 'road map'
be given the, er, (cul-de-)sac?...
--------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry, but whatever the question, Borisn't the answer. NEXT!...
--------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************

Given the serious health issues that can afflict
the dear old 'sausage dog', surely a more
appropriate 'honour' at Crufts this year would
have been 'Wurst in Show'?...

*********************************************************

a book I can recommend - with no (table) reservations at all...

*******************************************************************

Last week the papers reviewed 'The Restaurant:
A History Of Eating Out'. I now look forward to reviews
of its sequel - 'The Restaurant: Eating Out Is History'.
Hope I'm wrong!...

*******************************************************************
(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, May 10)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just got used to the term 'Covidiots' - now apparently, we're getting
'LunaTikToks'. It really is a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Vincent Hefter's alias (friend and ex-colleague Christina Schaffer,
Scunthorpe), Mail on Sunday, May 10. Another double!)

there's no glossing over it...

************************************

I went to the paint
store to get thinner - but I'm
as fat as ever...

************************************



(17 Syllbles)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's really weird how the paint only ever runs when I'm
decorating the local gym. Probably thinks it's a member!...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
No running indoors! (When painting the gym, if the paint
starts to run, just hope it does so on the spot)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*************************************************

Not having raced for so long, will F1
drivers be a bit rusty? Or am I confusing
them with their cars?...

*************************************************

Queen's VE Day speech...

****************************************************

Yes, Your Majesty, a street may be filled
with love - but do you know what's filled
laughter? A mews is! (Amuses me, anyway)

****************************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
BLANCMANGETOUT - more 'sweet pea' than snow pea - VERY sweet pea!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nuts, bananas and crackers: not so much a diet, more a
vegan's state of mind after weeks of solitary confinement!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to the Future...

************************************************************

The past is another country. I went there once.
Got mugged a couple of times, but on the whole
it was great. Can't wait to go back...

************************************************************



Meanwhile, back in the real world, the lockdown continues...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SECURITY GUARDNER - someone employed to keep people off the grass!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GIVES OUT (v) - what your girlfriend does when she gives IN!...
(from the Oxford English 'A Bit of a Dick'tionary)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
KEEP OFF THE GRASS - say 'no' to drugs...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lockdown Lucy: "I'm pumped!"...

******************************************

Wow, petrol's so cheap
these days. My wife's getting eight
weeks to the gallon!...

******************************************



('Not that she needs any to drive me up the wall!': 17 Syllables)

check the labels, mate...

******************************************************

If sautéed potatoes are haute cuisine,
are potatoes in their jackets haute couture?
(Depends on the jackets, I guess...)

******************************************************

one for the oldies...

CHUBBY CHEQUERS / LET'S TRYST AGAIN
-------------------------o----------------------------
any truth in the rumour a certain priapic PM
is moonlighting as a recording artist?...
-------------------------o----------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIAMI WEISZ - Rachel has relocated!
HOARSE OPERA - soprano struggles with the flu...
THYME TRAVEL - kitchen plant moves from window to patio...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

self-isolation...

*******************************

drinking white wine with

fish isn't as much fun as

drinking it with friends...

*******************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 19...17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------
Missing 'em a lot'll mean hitting the bot'll!...
-------------------------------------------------------
Love in the Time of Coronavirus? Gabriel
García Márquez's sequel may not be on the
shelf yet - and never will be - but I know I
am! Back where I belong, no doubt...
-------------------------------------------------------

Covid-19...

************************************************************

We just have to hope the members of SAGE
know their onions, otherwise we're all stuffed!...

************************************************************

that's all they bloody need!...

******************************

one thing NHS
charity singles shouldn't
be is infectious!...

******************************



('No-one wants to catch a catchy tune!': 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
LARGER LOUT - only drinks after meals. Now up to 10 meals a day...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Random, or what? (Gullible's Travels, 1991-2001)

------------------------------------------------
On waking up in Uruguay,
I cannot help but wonder...why?
(If the answer's neither here nor there,
I cannot help but wonder...where?)
------------------------------------------------
thelandofcheesefondue.blogspot.com
---------------------------------------------------------------
Fond memories of the Fray Bentos factory there...
---------------------------------------------------------------

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World....

*********************************************

if 'covidiots'
weren't annoying enough, we've now
got 'lunaTikToks'!...

*********************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
CORONAVIRUS: our Government's constantly asking
us to 'act like we've got it'. So I've been lying in bed all
day calling for cups of tea and loads of sympathy. Not
sure it's working...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Covidivorce...

**************************

my wife and I are
separating - but only
by about six feet...

**************************



('That's plenty these days': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Is Piers Morgan in any way related to the Morgan
Motor Company? All these car-crash interviews make
me wonder. Same goes for LBC's Ferrari - another
one to steer well clear of!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

I love you, sunshine...

************************************

if laughter's not the
best medicine, then sunshine
most certainly is!...

************************************



Keep the odd ray in your back pocket, you 
never know when you might need it. (Well, 
that's what I do, anyway...)



('Coronavirus: getting through the days': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Thank God for my multiple personality disorder - at
least I can give myself a group hug!... (or is it "us"?)
----------------------------------------------------------------

The longer the pain, the greater the gain...

*******************************

Tired of the lockdown?
Patience is a virtue (this
virus can hirtue!)

*******************************



(17 Not-So-Sillybles. Well, maybe a little silly.)

Lockdown...

************************************************************

Alight at the end of the tunnel? I can't wait to!...

************************************************************

poetic justice?...

****************************************************

if a mum or dad
smack their child, should they themselves
be slapped - with a fine?...

****************************************************



('Or should it just be handed to them gently?': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Oaks, elms, cedars, beeches, willows: as far as my
dog's concerned, they're all just public lavatrees!...
---------------------------------------------------------------

self-isolation and social distancing...

*******************************************************

Sadly, self-isolation is turning my daddy into
a farther - and farther - and farther figure...

*******************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yippee, I've got a date! And I'm going two meter tomorrow!
(Damn this social distancing!)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's a sad day when even parents become distant relatives...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
TANTRUMP - a tanned US President's tantrum...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 5)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

****************************************************

So much more uplifting to read about the
heir born to Boris than about coronavirus's
ability to remain airborne!...

****************************************************

***********************************************

running out of water, sugar, toilet rolls
or tea bags may not be much fun, but
running out of doors sure is!...

***********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 29)
------------------------------------------------------------------
If the forget-me-not is the emblem of the Alzheimer's
Society, maybe 'love-lies-bleeding' should be the
choice of the NHS's A&E departments?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I can only see ten friends? Thank God I've got pen friends!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************************************

Coronavirme...coronaviryou...coronavirus -
it's true what they say: we're all in this together...

**************************************************************

dieting? - piece of cake!...

*********************************

My wife's a slapper.
Every time I reach for a
doughnut, she slaps me!...

*********************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------
TRUMPUS - a common reaction to many
of his proclamations...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 28)
-------------------------------------------------