'Hats off' to Stuart...

************************************

Broad, as a 'bowler',

(As opposed to a trilby?)

Has LONG been admired

And I'm sure always will be...

************************************

"Chapeau!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

If bowlers playing for England get awarded caps, why

don't caps playing for England get awarded bowlers?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

(U) certificate...

*****************************************

Went to see 'BRIDGE ON

THE RIVER WYE' last night. Quite

dull, to be honest...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

No wonder the philoprogenitive Boris Johnson's detractors find

it so hard to trust him - whenever he gives you his word, it's

invariably one with an inordinate amount of syllables...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A statue on Trafalgar Square to commemorate the late Queen

may well have been ruled out (Mail on Sunday), but how about 

one dedicated to her beloved husband 'Plinth Philip'?... 

#thefourthplinth (Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 30)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not a haiku...

*************************************************************

I just got eliminated in the World's Strongest Man 

SHOPLIFTING round. The winner lifted a whole 

pop-up, but all I could manage was a kiosk...

*************************************************************

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

My current MP is 30p Lee, but when I lived in Enfield it was

Stephen £. Can't help feeling I've been short-changed...

#LeeAnderson #StephenPound

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is that you, Sadiq?...

------------------ o -----------------

I'm a little despot,

Short and stout,

Here's my handle (@SadiqKhan)

Here's my spout.

When I get all steamed up,

Hear me shout...

------------------ o -----------------

(Tip him over and vote him OUT!)

Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 4.

------------------------------------------------------------------

De-banking Nigel Farage is maybe a step too far. Let's

just stick to debunking him...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The PM suggests throwing the book at corrupt migration

lawyers. What's the point? You could throw any number

of books at them, and all they'd do is cook them.

They're corrupt. It's what they do...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Anagrammatically spot on...

 JUST STOP OIL

       -------------

- mission statement -

       -------------

 JUST TO SPOIL

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 25)

---------------------------------------------------------------

ALL HAIL Australia, the rain, rain, raining ICC World

Test champions and current holders of the Ashes...

(How DARE they call us whinging Poms!)

---------------------------------------------------------------

............ X ...........

*******************************

Twitter's new logo

seems to be a little cross.

Aren't we all, Elon?...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

My brother had charisma in spades.

He had it in clubs, too, which is where he picked up

all his girlfriends... #bitofajoker #quiteacard #packanimal

----------------------------------------------------------------

FAUX PA - not my real dad...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 22)

-----------------------------------------------

Dictionary definitions (No 42 of 3,820)

*********************************

To DEMON-ETIZE:

to prove that money is the

root of all evil?...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

ARCHIE PELAGO - no man is an island, but Harry's

son is a veritable chain of 'em!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THYME - indigenous to the

Mediterranean, Egyptians used it for embalming, the Greeks

used it in baths and it was spread throughout Europe by the

Romans who used it to give an aromatic flavour to cheese 

and liqueurs. It doesn't get much briefer than that!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

X - Twitter's new logo is a little cross. Aren't we all, Elon?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man ahead of his time...

*******************************

ULEZ DAWSON - now

his was an act that never

needed cleaning up!...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Liz Jones and an anorexic?

Liz Jones can't eat standing up, whereas an anorexic can't

stand eating up... 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Milan Kundera...

******************************************

My bank's just issued

me with two Czech books. Neither

by Kafka, sadly...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

FOETAL ATTRACTION - my husband's obsessed with my bump...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not sure if 8:00am IS too early to cut the lawn on Sunday, but

it's certainly too late for my son to return half-cut from his night

out on Saturday!... (Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 23)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's a soccer thing...

******************************************

"What sort of team are

Sheffield Wed/Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun/

Mon/Tues?" - "A week one?"

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to be driven by chauffeurs, it helps to be driven by money...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CZECH BOOKS - those written by Kafka or Kundera, for example...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What d'you mean, you've never heard of it?...

****************************************

OF MEISSEN MEN - John

Steinbeck's tale of two porcelain

factory workers...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A LOAD OF MASSIVE CUTS - not so much what the Chancellor should

introduce, more a description of his parliamentary colleagues...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LIARBILITY - the ability to lie...

--------------------------------------

At least it would feel at home...

******************************

Once convicted, would

an amoeba be locked up

in a single cell?...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Environmentalists love to argue - it helps clear the air.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 20, 2023)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Being a male chauvinist has opened lots of doors -

mainly so people can throw me out of them...

--------------------------------------------------------------

In honour of my favourite radio programme...

*********************************

"Can you name a town

near Andover?" - "I'm sorry,

I Havant a clue"...

*********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 18: 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

She may not be a glamour model, but it seems everyone's

now talking about Gigi Hadid's bust.

Sadly, though, it turns out it's her drugs bust...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hard to imagine, but it seems there are still people who -

DESPITE EVERYTHING - support the moronic Donald 

Trump...still people who deny climate change...and still

people who prefer milk chocolate to plain.

Nutters, the lot of 'em...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Mild-mannered though I am...

***********************************

When encountering

violent turbulence, I've been

known to hit the roof...

***********************************

(Flight No: BA 435: 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's nothing funnier than watching a hamster trying to

turn on the charm. Not when the charm's silver-plated and

no more than a couple of centimetres long!... #bracelet

------------------------------------------------------------------------

iHaiku...

*******************************

Although there's only

one eye in palindrome, it

leads by example...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I always have corn flakes for breakfast, but when

I discovered some bran flakes in the cupboard last week, I filed

for divorce. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's cereal cheating...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Having a thick skin's preferable to having thick colleagues". As you can 

see, FOOC (fear of offending colleagues) isn't something I suffer from...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hollywood actors are striking. But few are as striking as my wife when

she was younger... #SAGstrike

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where are they held? Glenelg! Where else?...

**********************************

You don't so much 'win'

palindrome tournaments as

end up in 'top spot'...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

People who are striking are very attractive, according to

my dictionary. So when Hollywood actors stop striking,

do they cease being attractive?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not sure if 8am IS too early to cut the lawn on Sunday,

but it's certainly too late for my son to return half-cut from

his night out on Saturday!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hollywood actors & scriptwriters may well be on strike, but,

having just watched Barbie,I can report that the movie industry

is still very much in the pink!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Forehand-backhand-forehand-backhand-forehand- "Over!"...

***********************************

CRICK IT - what you could 

do to your neck if you watch 

too much Wimbledon...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cost-of-living crisis is certainly good news for our kids. 

They rarely get into hot water these days as we can't afford 

to keep the immersion on for more than a few minutes...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

All-action Twenty20 haiku...

*************************************

Whack it, wicket, snick

it, wicket, whack it, nick it!...

"Cricket! Bloody hell!"

*************************************

('Just the ticket-y boo': 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Are there any celebrities who WEREN'T sexually abused as 

children? Will EVERYONE now use mental illness as a get-

out-of-jail-free card? Does DYSLEXIA account for everything 

else? So many questions - none of which I dare ask...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************************

People who identify as almonds are, well...

NUTS! By their own admission, I guess.

*****************************************************

Talking of fruit and nutcases...

*********************************************************

If cashews that identify as pistachios are nuts,

are apples that identify as oranges bananas?...

*************************************************************************************

ESCAPE FROM ALCARAZ - thank God he's in the other half of the draw!

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 11) #Wimbledon

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All I ever ate when I was young was burgers and kebabs, 

so why do people keep calling them my salad days?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 12)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Controversial? Not really...

***************************

Pistachios that

decide to identify

as cashews are nuts...

***************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BBC scandal: "we have to get to the bottom of this," said a certain

BBC presenter. And smack it very, very hard, presumably?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you insult the memory of the late great Paul Daniels, would he turn 

in his grave? Or would he turn in someone ELSE'S, just to prove how 

clever he was?   "How'd he do that?"...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another BBC personality revealed to be a wrong 'un, you say?

What a load of stuff and nonce-sense!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I called out to Ida, and I lay down beside 'er...

***************************************

Do hens lay down? No,

they lay eggs. Down is what the

chicks come COVERED in...

***************************************

(The name's Ida. Ida Down: 17 Syllables)

First rule of #MeToo...

*******************************************

If you want to touch

your girlfriend's cleavage, you have

to touch her heart first...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

I'm getting oak, with a hint of cinnamon...

*************************************

If music be the

food of love, are its notes the

aromas of wine?...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

When it comes to comedy, The Pub Landlord's in a league of his own.

Turns out it's the Saudi one...

Al Ettifaq

Al Nassr

Al Hilal

Al Ittihad

Al Feiha

Al Batin

Al Taawon

Al Shabab

Al Shoalah

Al Ahli

Al Murray.

(When he says he plays the clubs, at least we now know which ones 

he plays - but who knew he had to play them both home AND away?)

The green, green 'grass' of - Bob Marley?...

***********************************************

Bob Marley's haikus:

they're not just short & sweet - they're

short & sweet (-smelling)...

***********************************************

---------------------------------

If a haiku's short

& sweet, is a ganja one

short & sweet (-smelling)?

---------------------------------

(17 Syllables)

A short & sweet (-smelling) haiku...

************************************

ONE LOVE - Bob Marley 🎵,

FIFTEEN LOVE - Andy Murray...

For the love of grass.

************************************

(The Green, Green Ganja of...Wimbledon?: 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------

Cashews that identify as pistachios are nuts.

(I reckon that's as good as many an Edinburgh Fringe one-liner award winner)

------------------------------------------------------

#MeToo...

*********************************

If the law is an

ass, could the police arrest

me for slapping it?...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

No end...of a good idea

**************************************

Haiku writers daren't

commit serious crimes - they're

scared of long sentenc...

**************************************

bugger!

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Haiku writers won't commit serious crimes - The thought

of a very long sentence is just too much to contemplate...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 9)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Flight or fight? (Or maybe both?)

******************************************

"So how DID the doves

overcome the hawks?" - "By means

of a peaceful coo"...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

'ONE LOVE' armbands may not be acceptable at the 

Women's World Cup, but might Wimbledon consider

 'FIFTEEN, THIRTY or FORTY LOVE' ones?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If dentists are FORCED to take on NHS patients, at

least there'll be a reason for them to look down in the 

mouth. Especially if one of them turns out to be mine.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Two wrongs don't make a right tw*t...

*******************************

My girlfriend says her

every word is a lie. But 

I'm not sure that's true...

*******************************

My girlfriend tell me her every word is a lie.

I'm not sure I believe her...

(Doh!: 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

So Thames Water has a liquidity problem? Who'd have thunk

it! Could their fast-flowing current account be drying up?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------