HUNTER BIDEN, by Sen. John Kennedy & Vincent Hefter...

**********************************

"At best he's a sleazebag,

At worst he's a thief"...

What he's given his father's

Just a sh*tload of grief.

**********************************

I'm pretty sure most Americans would prefer their President's offspring to be- law-abiden'.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

RED, WHITE & BLUEMERS - it's not her sleeve that my wife 

wears her love of country on!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"You're Cheddar Gorgeous, luv," I said. But it didn't work. 

Turns out not all girls fall for cheesy chat-up lines...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I've got an appointment to see a psychic next week, but 

she's just rung to tell me I won't be able to make it...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

TO HARRY (vb. transitive) - to torment, worry or harass a certain British prince of the realm...

*******************************************

"However the Press now depict us,

I'm ever so proud of Invictus...

And as for my wife,

(My trouble and strife),

I assure you her smile isn't rictus."

*******************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 21)

----------------------------------------------------------------

If retrievers retrieve, pointers point and boxers box,

heaven only knows what Shih Tzus do...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Limerick (definitely not savage doggerel)

**************************************************

As a lover of dogs it's a shame 

That a few give the rest a bad name...

(But it's how they're brought up

From their time as a pup

By their OWNERS, that's really to blame)

**************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 27)

You're taking the piss, right?...

*************************************

"TOILET: 20 pee"

What? Whatever happened to

spending a penny?...

*************************************

(17 Sillybles)

Global warming / Climate change...

*****************************************************

When we see such extremes in the weather

It's important that we all pull together

(Or will flood, drought and thunder

Start to rip us asunder

Till we come to the end of our tether?)

*****************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do Liz Truss's policies hold water? Sorry, but they don't even hold

enough to refloat my inflatable dinghy, let alone our mighty ship of state!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Very sad to hear that David McCallum, the actor who starred in The Man

From U.N.C.L.E, has D.I.E.D.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

As to the doubters, SOD 'EM! (And to hell with GOMORRAH)

**************************************

If two into one 

doesn't go, why do threesomes

work so bloody well?...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

Happiness is...

***********************************

Sign in a café:

'Today's Special'. Then again,

isn't every day?...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

No one likes as aggressive drunk...

*****************************************

My dad hit fifty

today. One more punch, and he'd

have hit fifty-one...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

The cost of living crisis...

**********************************

You know life's hard when

not even chips are as cheap 

as chips any more...

**********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 6: 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The deal Johnson struck with Brussels is far too thin," says Starmer. "And

those who don't understand that are far too thick," I'm sure he felt like adding.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, there's always granny's...

*****************************************************

"Tax cuts before next

year? Don't hold your breath, mate" - "Then

whose breath should I hold?"...

*****************************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

AHDD - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder disorder...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Top mandarin admits to voting Remain! Top bananas admit to being livid. (news item)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My trouble and strife...

*****************************************************************************

"Why do you always have to disagree with me?" asked my wife.

"That's just not true," I replied.

"There you go again," she sighed...

*****************************************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rugby World Cup officials have really been making a pig's ear of 

their 'high tackle' red or yellow card decisions. It's about time 

someone went in there and, well, knocked their heads together...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HUGE SALAHRY - what Mo would earn in the Saudi Pro League...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 7)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Using a double mastectomy-scarred trans model to advertise a

men's trimmer? Talk about Braun over brains...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coitus Don't Interrupt Us...

************************************

Poor old Gillian

Keegan, losing her rag whilst

she was still on Mike...

************************************

(#HotMic: 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a plant is a factory in which a particular product is made,

aren't most foodstuffs plant-based?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

All I said was "physician, heal thyself," and suddenly my 

chiropractor was no longer a pain in the neck...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

UK politics: same old, same old...

***********************************************************

Reshuffle, reshuffle, reshuffle,

It's really just such a kerfuffle...

You're all just the same,

Your speeches are lame,

I fear that we've all had enoughll !

***********************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'It would be foolhardy to try and make a comeback to royal life,'

Prince Andrew is told. "No sweat," he replies...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************************

Tracy-Ann Oberman

Fell in love with a Doberman

So chucked her old mutt in the river.

She watched as it drowned,

That loyal old hound,

And I doubt that I'll EVER forgive 'er...

******************************************************

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Was Prince Harry's drink of choice on his birthday proof positive

that he realises, when it comes to his standing in the royal 

family, he REALLY IS just small beer now?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Physician, heal thyself...

********************************

"Never go to a 

chiropractor who's a pain 

in the neck," says dad...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not saying times are hard, but when my newsagent placed a

few Daily Mail pages on the scales before asking 'how many?' and

I replied '100 grams' worth, please', we both knew I'd seen better

days. Mind you, he did throw in a couple of pages for free, bless him.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Give us a clue, is he red or a blue?...

************************************************

No mandate, charisma or vision,

The object of so much derision...

Just WHO could it be?

(I hope it's not me)

He'll be grateful for such imprecision...

************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's Joe's Hunter done? What's Joe's Hunter done? Can someone

please tell me what Joe's Hunter's done?... Joe Biden's son Hunter 

has only gone and got himself indicted, that's what he's done...

(With apologies to John Betjeman)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Michael Parkinson, RIP...

For the sake of this verse

I'll be dressed all in khaki

Whilst mourning the loss

Of the wonderful Parky.

------------ o ------------

What's now on the telly's

Without him much duller,

So I should be in black

(But it isn't my colour)

------------ o ------------

I shall watch, yet again,

Some repeats of his show...

And I'll raise the odd glass

Whilst the tears gently flow.

------------ RIP ------------

The Samurai spirit...

*******************************

A METAL HIP HIP

HOORAY to Andy Murray!

(My sporting hero)

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

If you no longer have the strength to push your

luck, why not ask someone else to push it for you?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

In bed, if it's your husband...

************************************

Guess what - If you want  

your dishwasher to work, you

have to turn it on...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dishwashers are like lazy husbands: if you

want them to work, you have to turn them on...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Bernie Taupin!

See? Giving it up's not that hard, right? He said so himself, though in his case he was talking about cocaine. So we really should give it up for Bernie Taupin. For managing to do just that...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1st class post / 2nd class verse...

*********************************

Gran's just sent me a

birthday cardigan, but the

knitting's hard to read...

*********************************

Granny sent me a lovely birthday cardigan this 

morning. At least, I think it's from granny, the 

knitting's quite hard to read...

(Not sure it works in 17 syllables. Too abrupt)

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------

METAL HIP HIP HOORAY to Andy Murray! Surely

UK's greatest living sportsman?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JOBS FOR THE BUOYS - 1) as aids to navigation. 2) can be used as markers.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 24)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Waiting Game...

***************************************************

"No wonder I've been feeling the blues,

It's the length of these NHS queues".

(As months become years

Her sighs turn to tears...

For she fears that there's no time to lose)

***************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------

THE WRITS - exclusive hotel for the litigious...

------------------------------------------------------------

GLASTONBERRY - the world's only audible fruit...

------------------------------------------------------------

SEE[SIC] - bad spel on board.

-----------------------------------

Grant Shapps - Jack Of All Trades?...

****************************************************

'GRANT'ed he's the nicest of chaps,

But 'Defence' in the hands of Herr SHAPPS?

If someone should ask

"Is he up to the task?"...

Well, the best I can say is "Perhaps".

****************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 12)

Humanity, ancient & modern...

*************************************

SERF & TERF: one had

to work on the land - and one,

perhaps, on their views?...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

The first draught...

TYPHOO-N - a storm in a teacupbag.

HURR-I-CANE - note the i of the storm, always in the centre. CY CLONE - indistinguishable from the original. BLIZZARD - lizard crossed with a b. TORN ADO - who tore it? TORN'ADO ABOUT NOTHING - storm in a teacup.

--------------------------------------------------

Two things I'm betting Donald J Trump WON'T be going down: 

1)...in history, as one of America's greatest Presidents. 

2)...on his wife, ever again. 

But, if Special Counsel Jack Smith & Co have anything to do 

with it, he WILL be going down. For a long time, possibly....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sure beats counselling...

**************************************

If your partner's a

pain in the neck, send them to

a chiropractor...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------

Is it 'performance art' when it's the legs, not

the eyes, that follow you round the room?...

------------------------------------------------------

Crumbling schools...

*******************************************************

With schools now going to RAAC and ruin,

It's fair to say there's trouble brewin'...

It's SUCH a mess,

With much distress,

Does someone know just WHAT we're doin'?...

*******************************************************

You what?...

**********************************************

We're in the height of summer,

Which this year's five ft three...

(That's the height of Selwyn Gummer

Who was once my dad's MP)

**********************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SHOGUN WEDDINGS - enforced marriages in 11th century Japan.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been left completely in the dark as to why my electricity's been cut off.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 14)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leicester, Trafalgar, Times, Red, Tiananmen...

***************************************

 

Better to be seen 

moving in the best Squares than

in the wrong circles...

***************************************

(Confucius, he say: 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

SHOGUN WEDDING - ancient Japanese (missing) T ceremony...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Luis Rubiales...

**************************************************

How foolish to give such a smacker

To your captain, who's quite an attacker.

(She'd just won the cup,

But he really mucked up,

For her bosses will surely now back 'er?)

**************************************************

Luis Rubiales (2)...

****************************************

If you think there's nothing amiss 

When you give a señora a kiss,

Then you'd better be right

Or you're in for a fright

As you fall into quite an abyss...

****************************************

----------------------------------------------

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 31)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How soon before junior doctors star resembling my grandfather clock -

by striking. On the hour and every hour. Is it just a matter of...well, time?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------