if, on the 1st you don't succeed, s*d it...

*************************************

I always Knew Years'
Resolutions never worked:
"no more puns?" - yeah, right...

*************************************

















('New Years' Resolutions': the 17 Annual Syllables)

was it a tear the garden shed?...

**************************************

"I've been here all my
life," sighed the snowflake on my
lawn. And then was gone...

**************************************








('In the Blink of a Lifetime': 17 Syllables)

stocking up for Christmas...

*************************************

it's Christmas stocking
time! - let's hear it for good old
ho-ho-hosiery!

*************************************




Happy Christmas!




---------- English as a Foreign Language -----------
-------------------------------------------------------------
Seen on a Gambian menu today: 
'Mini Stronic Soup and Stuffed Crap'. Yummy...
-------------------------------------------------------------







(17 Syllables)

talk about not being very bright...

******************************

what? what? what? what?

what? what? what? what?

what? what? what? what?

what? what? what? what?

what? what? what? what?

what? what? what? what?

what? what? what? what?

what? what? what? what?

what? what? what? what?

what? what? what? what?

******************************




40 whats? - yeah, that's pretty dim all right...


******************************************************************************

Loved a local sign I saw here yesterday: "Tonight: DJ Smithy with Suprised Guests"

******************************************************************************

Utope...Utopier...Utopiest...

****************************

There's more to life than
fun and frivolity. There's
cheese. And apricots...

****************************




















(17 Syllables)

Happy Noel...

*************************************

No, Johnnie, it's not
called 'the HOLLY Land', it's 'the
HOLY Land!' - "No L"...

*************************************










same difference...












(The Six and Two Threes Days of Christmas): 17 Syllables)

when 'the late' became 'the very late'...

**************************************

"Step on it!" I told
the hearse driver. So he stopped,
slid it out - and did...

**************************************











('isn't it the grave you're meant to dance on?': 17 Syllables)

talk about the R. S. not very PC. A....

*************************

the vet's practice was
so tiny I could hardly
swing my cat in it...

*************************


















('Not For The Want Of Trying': 17 Syllables)

opposites attract: she's easy, I'm hard...

*************************

Becoming hard is
easy. If you find easy
women becoming...

*************************


















(17 Syllables)

Jesus saves. Me, too - religiously...

 **************************************

money talks, but banks
are its spokesmen - and I'm sick
of all their statements...

**************************************










(statements of very little interest, to be honest - 0.5%, at most)












('Ever Hear A Bank Teller Joke?': 17 Syllables)

football - and a life or death decision...

*********************************

pity the striker
who doesn't know whether to
pass or shoot himself...

*********************************




















(17 Syllables)

bread and a red...

**************************************

"can you toast baguettes?" -
"of course, but you have to toast
the bride and groom first"...

**************************************















(17 Syllables)

girl, interrupted...

*************************************

the sex worker puts
down her book - hours later, she
picks up a disease...

*************************************





















('Belle, Book and Candelabra': 17 Syllables)

my next desti-Nation......

*******************************

Gambi - Gambia -
Gambiest - clearly, a Land
still developing...

*******************************











Dear Reader - the time has come to 'up sticks' for a few weeks and head for foreign climes again...a repeat visit to the aforementioned 'Land still developing', to be precise. I shall, of course, be posting the odd blog - well, no odder than usual - but not on quite such a regular basis, you'll be glad to hear.

May the force be with you...













('A Developing Country': 17 Syllables)

"I SHALL go clubbing!"...

*******************************

mum and dad said "NO!"...
but a double negative's
a 'yes', right? - "see ya!"...

*******************************




















('Where There's a Will There's a Way': 17 Syllables)

strangers in the night...

********************************

bloody bed bugs!...I
hate it when I hit the sack -
and the sack hits back...

********************************











(beds are for sleep 'n' sex...not "no sleep 'n' insex")











(A Parasite for Sore Eyes? Nope - just Sore Bodies': 17 Syllables)

Yu Tel Mi...

*********************************

how come Chairman Mao's
little-read book had quite so
much influence, then?...

*********************************




















('Mao's Little Red Book': 17 Syllables)

my blood's IQ? 82 (that's thicker than water)

***************************

my dream? - to be an
idiot savant...and I'm
told I'm halfway there...

***************************









(not, alas, a news
exclusive: the 'savant' bit
remains elusive)












('One Step at a Time': 17 Syllables)

sustainable fishing...

****************************************

does fish in a great 
sauce mean more than fish from a
responsible one?...

****************************************












(to some fishermen, it's all about net profit: 'the bigger the net, the greater the profit')













('Oops, I've just eaten my words - delicious!': 17 Syllables)

Channel 4: laughter, the best medicine...

***************************

They've made a film of
my mastectomy. It's a
one-off. The left one...

***************************











- "that's all very deadpan - now fetch me a bedpan"...











('The Documentary': 17 Syllables)

beaten only by the whip...

*************************************

Frankel never had
a mare on the racecourse - he'll
have a fair few now!...

*************************************










...and, with stud fees at £125,000 a pop, he'd better perform (news item today)












('The Greatest Ever?': 17 Syllables)

you just can't beat a hoover...

*************************************

You just can't beat a
good carpet. Well, you can, but
no-one does these days...

*************************************




















('The Hoover:  it beats as it sweeps as it cleans': 17 Syllables)

come the fall...

***********************************

can't get to sleep? - lie
right on the edge of your bed,
mate - you'll soon drop off...

***********************************

















(17 Syllables)

loose change, even looser tongue...

 ********************************

"Money talks," they say.
Mine just nitpicks - it's very
petty cash, sadly...

********************************

















(17 Syllables)

USA's future: WITH or WITHOUT Romney?

******************************************

"Mit or mit'out?" as
the Germans say - "Mitt out!" came
the cry from the States...

******************************************










- close, but no cigar, Mr Romney...











('Mitt Romney Fails to Unseat Obama': 17 Syllables)

then wait - till he's out of the woods?...

************************************

a criminal on
the run could do far worse than
go straight to the copse...

************************************




















('Stay clear of the beeches, mind - the copper beeches': 17 Syllables)

Bonfire Night: take care, for Fawkes' sake!...

***************************************

Don't forget to douse
those fires! - "Ember, Ember, the
Fifth of November"...

***************************************












...just a recommendation - but a glowing one. At least, I think it's still glowing...












('The Embers, November 5th': 17 Sillybillybles)

the ones that arose between two thorns?...

********************************

"Roses? - who needs 'em? -
as a matter of fact I
much prefer cacti"...

********************************













- 'twasn't the rose that gave me a prick, 'twas the prick who gave me a rose...












('Who Said Romance Is Dead? - er, Me': 17 Syllables)

me? - I can't even turn on the Mrs...

**********************************

a car that can turn
on a sixpence must have one
hell of a sex drive...

**********************************










(to coin a phrase - an obsolete coin, admittedly)












("No, Only 4-Wheel Drive Comes As Standard": 17 Syllables)

canine canoodles...

***********************************

hey, who's counting? - "if
your labradores poodles, you'll
get labradoodles"...

***********************************









QED!...(quite enthusiastic doggies)












("Bow-Wow-WOOW!" Slobbers The Labrador: 17 Syllables)

a footballer's career treads water...

********************************************

"Our John's come on a 
lot"..."Yeah, right. Thirteen times. And
always as a sub"....

********************************************










("Tread water"? Can subs do that? I always thought they just dived - at the slightest touch, right?)










('To Come on More Than One's Career Has': 17 Syllables)

Cyclone Sandy batters US East Coast...

**************************************

"Cyclone...Hurricane...
or Cyclops"? - they all have their
eye in the centre...

**************************************










- storms, by any other name...












('The i of the Storm': 17 Syllables)

pigs trot (but colours can make them run)

********************************

if you prefer your
bacon streaky, put it in
the wash - with coloureds...

********************************
















(17 Syllables)

************************************************************************

Does a day ever day go by without some sort of football scandal? The fact that this horrendous sport (I speak of the professional game only) is known as 'The Beautiful Game'...well, I don't think I've heard a better joke these last few years.
And to those who say that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, I suggest that, sometimes, beauty merely lies. Period.

***********************************************************************

fit for purpose? - no, just fit...

**************************************

would it be fair to
call builders' merchants who run
out of doors 'joggers'?...

**************************************





















("Fetch!": 17 Syllables)

as opposed to a chateau, right?...

*******************************

nothing goes better
with cottage pie than a fine
one-storey house wine...

*******************************


















('The Perfect Accompaniment': 17 Syllables)

one harrowing a/c after another...

****************************************

If money talks, well,
so do the banks. Their statements
can quite depress us...

****************************************

















(17 Syllables)

Marrakech, Oct 23: a Red Letter Day...

***************************************

Age? - it's just a number,
And it seems that mine's not up...
As I enter second childhood
And revert to being a pup...

***************************************










...OK, so 4 red letters, then - the rest unread till I get back. (Written on A4, hopefully.)








   



Just Don't Mention The Pension...

light entertainment...

*************************************

"What lighting's that?" asked
my wife in the bedroom. "Strip,"
I said. So she did...

*************************************
















('It's A Game We Play': 17 Syllables)

having your cake and eating it - alone...

 *************************************

celibacy? - a
piece of cake (date and walnut -
but without the dates)

*************************************

















('Another Quiet Night In': 17 Syllables)

fast and furious (he was fast, the world was furious)

************************************

by taking drugs, Ben
Johnson crossed the line - in a
new world's best, sadly ...

************************************








 
...an injection of pace, sure - but administered by whom?...











('The Seoul of Indiscretion': 17 Syllables)

identity theft...

********************************

I always knew I'd
be someone one day. But I
just never knew who...

********************************










("see, I am bitious, dad!")











('This Year, Matthew, I'm Going To Be...':17 Syllables)

to whom it may concern...

********************************

"My virginity's
something I cherish, take it
from me. But not yet!"...

********************************







- and the, er, darker version...



********************************

"My virginity's
something I cherish, take it
from me." So I did...

********************************









(17 Syllables)

liquid assets, by any other name...

*********************************

a fast-flowing current
account's as close as I'll get
to an offshore one...

*********************************

















(17 Syllables)

now look who's getting fruity...

****************************

papayas having
it off with watermelons? -
talk about seedy...

****************************










- bloody hell, there are are masses of the buggers...











("Hey, Who's Your Daddy?"Asks Papa Papaya: 17 Syllables)

being shot: it's not cool, but it's certainly neat...

**********************

....the discharge...

---------------------------

....the bullet in.....

---------------------------

....the bullet out...

---------------------------

....the bulletin......

---------------------------

....the discharge...

**********************




----------------- in and out of hospital - like a shot -----------------

hate the steep ones, mind...

*********************************

I just love running
up bills - hey, it saves having
to go to the gym...

*********************************
















(17 Sillybillybles)

fast food: the 3-minute round of bread...

******************************************

"fancy a knuckle
sandwich? - I think one round should
just about do it"...

******************************************

















('Looks Like You're Toast, Mate': 17 Syllables)

the quest for immortality...

*******************************

learn to hate life: you
won't live forever - but, hey,
it'll seem like it...

*******************************















(17 Syllables)


------ Stop Press ------

Footballers - they're not the sharpest tools in the box (not even the penalty box, haha): a story from today's press (only slightly re-arranged)

Travelling on the London Underground today, England football manager Roy Hodgson tells an ageing Rio Ferdinand it's the end of the line. "How do you mean?" asks Rio, "there are still 4 stops to go"...

they're canines,right?...

**********************************

my dogs?...they're like false
teeth - they need to be taken
out last thing at night...

**********************************

















(17 Rather Sillybles)

toadying up to the neighbours - not.

*********************************

The French sure love to
eat snails. Horrible, slimy
things. Just like the snails...

*********************************




















(Avoiding The Marrakesh Snail Stalls: 17 Syllables)

going up before the judge (or with him?)

**********************************

"floor?" asked the judge in
the lift...I pleaded the fifth...
he pressed...the court rose...

**********************************

















('Pleading The Fifth - Pressing Buttons, Not Charges': 17 Syllables)

hey, I'm working on it...

***********************************

to many, I'm a
perfect stranger - I'm flattered...
but perfect? -  hardly...

***********************************









- talk about being alone in a crowd...is there another main square anywhere on the planet quite like Marrakech's Djemaa el-Fna? And a heck of a crowd it is, too: snake-charmers, monkeys, musicians, cross-dressing dancers, storytellers, clowns, medicine-men, acrobats, teenage pugilists, exotically-dressed water-sellers, food stalls by the dozen, speeding motorbikes, horse-drawn carriages, wide-eyed tourists, touting locals...well, you get the idea. And all of them strangers...
Looking rather sorry for itself, a small dirt-encrusted and urine-stained Unesco monument declares the Square to be a 'Masterpiece of the Oral and Intangible Heritage of Humanity' in 2001...










('A Moroccan'roll Lifestyle': 17 Syllables)

an innocent abroad...

**********************************

"'tout', you say? - well, blow
me if the French don't have a
word for everything"...

**********************************

















('Notes from Marrakech':17 Syllables)

the holy spirit...

*********************************

yes, Muslims drink - but
that's fine...provided they do
so religiously...

*********************************

















(Vincent Hefter, News at Ten, Marrakech:17 Syllables)

alcoholic (dis)content...

***************************

never get bitter
after a break-up - lager
works better, I find...

***************************



















('Bitter or Lager': 17 Syllables)

that, and Parliament once (a narrow loss)

******************************

National Anthems? -
They represent everything
I've ever stood for...

******************************


















(17 Syllables)

A Brit and a broad. Abroad...

************************************

"my girlfriend's from France" -
"really? what part?" - "all of her,
as far as I know"...

************************************











- talking of 'abroad', for the next few weeks postings will be intermittent whilst yours truly, too, ventures on his latest trip beyond the familiar confines of his scent-marked 'Oyster card territory' and bids yet another sad adieu to the local Cafe Nero...












('A French Wench Gets One Over On Those Awful Norfolk Broads': 17 Syllables)

In praise of the dab - a flatfish that knows it's plaice. Not.

*********************************

"hungry, love?"..."God, yes -
how many fish fingers are
there in a dab hand?"...

*********************************



















('3 Short Fishing Lines': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

so YOU'RE the jerk of 'clean and jerk'?...

**********************************

"just how much have you
raised for charity?" - "10 lbs,"
sighed the weightlifter...

**********************************



















('The Raising of Alms': 17 Syllables)

if you can't beat 'em, join 'em...

**************************************

want to celebrate
the Paralympic Games? - (when
in Rome) get legless!...

**************************************





















('When in Rome': 17 Syllables)

The Paralympic Games...

***************************************

"parachuting?" - I
always thought that was shooting
for the disabled...

***************************************












what a summer - it's been emotional...












('Parashooting': 17 Sillybles)

waiter, there's an F, L and Y in my soup...

*********************************

love alphabet soup
but hate eating vegetables? -
stay clear of the P's...

*********************************



















(17 Rather Sillybles)

routine rooting...

************************************

I'm in a same sex
marriage - every bloody month,
the same bloody sex...

************************************



















('Same ol',  Same ol': 17 Syllables)

I'm an all-time great Olympic official, me...

************************************

"I raised the bar when
it came to high-jumping". ("For
others to jump" - Ed.)

************************************



















(17 Syllables)

always have - I think...

****************************

do I suffer from
selective memory? - no,
I quite enjoy it...

****************************



















(17 Syllables)

seasoned campaigners...

******************************************

The troops were mustered.
"Hell," they all thought, "assaulted...
peppered...now mustard?"...

******************************************



















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

winter paralympic classifications...

********************************

it's great to ski on
a level playing field - but it's
hard to build up speed...

********************************




















('Great News - He's Going Downhill Fast': 17 Rather Sillybles)

success - it can go to your head...

******************************************

keeping your feet on
the ground's pretty hard when you're
a quadriplegic...

******************************************




















('The Paralympics': 17 Syllables)

everything's made in China, right?...

***********************************

"dad's gone to meet his
Maker, darling" - "will he have
to use chopsticks, mum?"...

***********************************



















(17 Syllables)

surely on waughter it oughter be 'daughter'?..

*******************************

My wife's giving birth
by Sea-section. So I guess
it'll be a buoy...

*******************************




















(It's My Mrs, She's Dropped Anchor: (er, Paul Anka?): 17 Syllables)

taking the cute out of cuticle...

*************************************

I'm filing my nails -
for bankruptcy. They've cost me
a bloody fortune...

*************************************




















( 'Nail Bar Junkie': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

cricket: it's catching (well, maybe not)

*********************************

damn my dropped catches! -  

it's getting out of hand - well,
in...then out of hand...

*********************************.

("do as you would be done by," they said - so now they've dropped me)

('Over and Out' (or 'not out', as the case may be): 17 Syllables)

George I - George IV...

*****************************************

"Did you know there's two
between us?" said George the First
to Intravenous...

*****************************************





















('The Holly and the ***king IV': '17 Syllables Plus' re-mix)

forget 'dial tone', think 'skin tone'...

**************************************

you think my phone looks
old now? - you should see it first
thing in the morning!...

**************************************





















(17 Syllables)

just the one hit (and an illegal one, at that)

*********************************

I hit the big-time
once - but below the belt, so
got disqualified...

*********************************



















('Skid Row': 17 Syllables)

yoo-hoo! - "flu who?"...

*************************************

"my mother-in-law's
coming down this weekend?" - I
trust you mean "with flu"?...

*************************************




















('Where Do You Live?' - 'In Hope': 17 Syllables)

class A and class B - the reunion years...

*******************************

education, it's
like a drug - well, it was at
my legal high school...

*******************************



















('Legal Highs': 17 Syllables)

Sea-section?...

**********************************************

"Quick! My wife's about
to drop!" - "Drop what? Drop anchor?" -
"Yes! Look! it's a buoy!"...

**********************************************




















(17 Syllables)

stolen a few kisses in my time, too...

*******************************

I love pinching girls'
bottoms - but I always give
them back the next day...

*******************************




















('Pretty Theft': 17 Syllables)

marriage - behind closed doors...

**************************************

"God! You always have
to have the last word!"..."Sorry"...
"There you go again!"...

**************************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the marathon - couch potato or runner bean?...

**********************************

a 'twenty-six point
two-one mile' scenic root? - it
must be a runner...

**********************************


















(17 Syllables)

he didn't shine today, it seems...

***************************************

it's just not cricket:
twenty past twelve, and the son's
out! - clean bowled for four...

***************************************












(17 Rather Sillybles)

ground pepper? - underground, more like...

**************************************

should cellar dwellers
pay peppercorn rents? - well, not
if they're salt cellars...

**************************************



















(17 Syllables)

master of the 3-line (uni)verse...

************************

does Dr Who in
fact exist? - all I ever
see is his locum...

************************



















('Trying My Patients': 17 syllables)

(not so poor)nography...

*********************************

indecent photos
have I none - I'm told, in fact,
they're not half decent...

*********************************











'poornography' - the product of a misspelt yooth? - discuss...













('Snap Judgements': 17 Syllables)

cheap at half the price...

*******************************

"London 2012" -
and all it cost was an arm
and a legacy...

*******************************












- just the one de-Rogge-tory comment: has there ever been a less inspiring speech-maker than the IOC President?...












('Legacy - The Buzz Word': 17 Syllables)

I'll Iove you forever - well, till Tuesday, anyway...

*********************************

"for better, for worse -
but not necessarily
for good, right?" - marriage...

*********************************

















(17 Syllables)

the couch potato: ready, get settee, go!...

*******************************

the first part of a
marathon's OK - it's those
last killermetres...

*******************************











- talking of marathons, it's time now to take a break as, at long last, London's very own televisual marathon - the 2012 Olympiad - takes centre stage. Normal, dull, routine service will be resumed as soon as we've all calmed down again. Enjoy!...











(Better a Couch Potato than "Ouch!" Potato (otherwise known as 'the 26.2 mile scenic root vegetable'): '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

TripAdvisor's (dented) bumper year...

**************************************************************************


(that's what comes of hitting milestones)


**************************************************************************


"We've hit a milestone - thanks to you," read their e-mail to me...


"Hey, it's not my fault," I replied, "you should drive more carefully".


**************************************************************************


True story (dull, but true)...


I just thought it quite funny (if I say so myself). I think the milestone 
they were referring to was their 75,000,000th review or opinion. 


Just one of which - the crucial one, no doubt - was mine.


*************************************************************************

start as you mean to go on...

**********************************

when paparazzo
met his mamarazzo - well, 
what else: they just clicked...

**********************************



















('Snap!': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

a narrow (and rather high-pitched) squeak...

******************************

"a cat flap! - it's a
kitty catastrophe! - that's
it, I'm outta here!"...

******************************


(Anonymouse)




















('Getting into a (Cat) Flap': 17 Rather Sillybles)

putting the size into sizemology...

*****************************

me, I'm a massive
animal lover - though I
lost four lbs last week...

*****************************










- can't say I love massive animals, though...













(Sizemology - that's the study of fat people, right?: 17 Syllables)

it's the voices in me 'ead, m'lud - I'd miss 'em...

*************************************

plead insanity,
mate - with luck you'll end up in
a padded cellphone...

*************************************





















('Prison -It's a Pretty Hard Sell': 17 Syllables)

it was either that or a conservatory...

*************************************

"penis extensions
aren't that cheap - but my semi
looks so much better"...

*************************************



















('One Up, One Downmanship': 17 Syllables)

"can I tuck in before you tuck me in?"...

*************************************

"It's After Eight, mum...
that's not chocolate - that's still
choco quite early"...

*************************************




















('After Eight Mints': 17 Syllables)

that superheroes first eleven, it's one short...

***************************

what use are X-Men? - 

don't you need X1-Men

for a football team?...

***************************


















('The First X1': 17 Syllables)

impossible is nothing...

***********************************

"Can you run a mile
in 4 minutes?" - "Sure can. Or
now, if you prefer"...

***********************************



















(17 Syllables)

when the kneader rises, he checks the stove...

****************************

if half a loaf
is better than naan,
is a bit a bread
better than pita bread?...

****************************


















(wit - like bread - is best when it's wry)

No 10 (but not in the charts)

***********************************

Liberty X were
poor  - as were their previous
1X incarnations...

***********************************



















('UnRomantic Numerals': 17 Syllables)

2012 Olympics: The Four Site Saga...

***************************************

well, at least we're safe -
missiles have been placed at four
sites around London...

***************************************









- with apologies to John Galworthy (bugger, I've just hear it may be six sites - but hey, never let the truth get in the way of a good title)











('The Forsyte Saga': 17 Sillybillybles)

Dr Dolittle - or Dr Doolally?...

*******************************

I've snogged elephants....
hippos....and rhinos - I just
love heavy petting!...

*******************************









(almost as much as I hate insex)












('Zoo Magazine - A Magazine For Not So Gentlemen': 17 Syllables)

the beautiful game?...

*******************************************

"f*** off, you black c***,
(swearword) black (expletive) - you're
f*****, c*** (expletive)"...

*******************************************





(To quote John Terry/Anton Ferdinand from yesterday's headline  news)











- whoever said 'beauty lies in the eye of the beholder' sure wasn't lying. (John Terry has been found not guilty of being a racist. Perhaps he, too, had lied in the eye to the face of the chief magistrate?) At least we now know what the 'FC' of Chelsea FC stands for...









('Premiership - Or English Defence League?': 17 Syllables)

a dosa reality - masala style...

********************************

chap and chapati?...
what's that, then - an Indian
Mr and Mrs?...

********************************











- er, I think you'll find that's Papadom and Mamadom...











(17 Rather Sillybles)

scared? me? - I was sh*tting brix...

**********************************

"I just love Brixton!"
I lied. (A white lie - does that
make me a racist?)

**********************************





















('Not So Much a Suburb, More an ethniCity Centre': 17 syllables)

if a little won't do, then a lot'll...

************************************

how d'you fancy a
ménage Artois? - just you, me,
and a Stella á trois...

************************************











- when 'giving it large' means giving it lager...












(17 Syllables)

"BRAKING" NEWS! (for real)

**************************************

Today's a rest day
in the Tour de France. 'Arrest
day,' more like. - Drugs! Again!...

**************************************









Talk about wheeler dealing!  Too much dealing, not enough wheeling - seems it's a certain Remy di Gregorio who's been nabbed this time...










(17 Syllables)

un-'pack my sandwich!'...

***********************************

I hate butties that
are jam-packed with flavour - I
much prefer marmite...

***********************************




















('I'm The Jammie Dodger, Me': 17 Syllables)

'highly strung' (by, er, Alfred, Lord Tennison)

*************************************

it's Wimbledon, and
Murray's racquet's pretty tense:
60 lbs, I'm told...

*************************************













Murray feels his racquet's tension...the crowd feel his...the umpire calls "play"...and well, no wonder they call his opponent The International Tennis Federeration (aka: the governing 'body' that never breaks sweat).













('Roger And Out, Andy': 17 Syllables)

"NE1 4 10 S?" - is that a code violation?...

***************************

"Nadal's never lost

a final to Murray? - So 

what, neither have I"...

*************************** 

('Never Eaten A Sheep's Heart, Either': 17 Syllables)

moving furniture? - well, it moved me...

***************************

"you wrote an essay
on Art Deco furniture? -
that's graffiti, right?"...

***************************












(cutting out paper, not cutting down trees)












('Note The Well-Crafted Geometric Lines': 17 Syllables)

'third-world' wars - a children's plague-round...

*************************************

a plague on rogue states -
arming young kids to form their
'third-world infantries'...

*************************************


















(17 Syllables)

the big questions...

************************************

If HAND stands for Have
A Nice Day, who stands for the
National Anthem?...

************************************




















('Acronyms? - I Wouldn't Stand For Them': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

2 liners, 3-liners, whatever...

***********************************

are the QE11
and the Queen Mary what you
call 'relationships'?...

***********************************


















(17 Syllables)

when a noise annoys (it shouldn't be allowed aloud)

*********************************

"it's decibel hell!" -
does snoring have to be the
sound of sound asleep?...

*********************************


















(17 Syllables)

"hey, give us a break"down truck...

*****************************************

when someone needs a
hand, why charge them an arm and
a leg for a tow toe?...

*****************************************



















('Footing The Bill': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

man flu - it's the new monia...

************************************

"you've had a week off!" -
"it was more than a wee cough,
boss - I nearly died"...

************************************

















(17 Syllables)

Gone With the Wind: the first draft...

*************************************

if the i of a
storm's in the centre, then, hey -
it's a hurricane...

*************************************











('Red Sky At Night': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Peggy Sioux arose - by any other name...

**********************************

Big Chief Sitting Bull
was a man of some standing
- on his rare days off...

**********************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

called to the bar...

********************************

men, they're just like fires -
leave them unattended and
they tend to go out...

********************************















(Bless'em - they get confused as to which their better half is: the one at home, or the one they quickly nip out to the pub for to down in one)












('My better half's got a head on it': 17 Syllables)

now serving at Wimbledon...

******************************************

"one slice or two?" asked
Murray - well, they're just bread and
butter shots to him...

******************************************



















('Spread Betting - Butter or Marge?': 17 Syllables)

the career girl who'd maidename for herself...

************************************

sure, my wife's a  name-

dropper, but don't most women

drop their maiden name?...

************************************

('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

"on your marks, get settee, go!"...

************************************

"Yipee! Sofaworld's
Summer Sale!!!" - (talk about a
kid in a suite shop!)

************************************




















(17 Syllables)

Wow! Times New Roman! - just my type...

************************************

Computer dating's
great! I've dated two Dells and
an Apple so far...

************************************



















(17 syllables)

sports bars - don't you just love 'em?...

*******************************

I love weightlifting -
I can lift about twelve pints
in three hours these days...

*******************************




















('Raising The Bar (Well, A Fair Share Of It)': 17 Syllables)

not the lightweights...

****************************************

when it comes to news
programmes, do stick-in-the-muds
make the best anchors?

****************************************




















('News Anchors': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

taken for a ride...

******************************************************

"that'll be eighty
pounds, please, ma'am," announced the horse...
(it was a charger)

******************************************************




















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

(very) dim sum: the meal I made of maths...

************************************

sadly, I only
mastered one of the three 'R's:
reading and writing...

************************************





















('I can't even work out what the sum total of my education adds up to': 17 Syllables)

sits vac (in amazement)...

            -- VACANCIES

***********************************

Arseholes needed to
drive buses. Must be prepared
to whizz past bus stops...

***********************************
















Today - and I'm talking more than just the one bus here - it was whilst waiting for a No 38 to Victoria ('The Route of all Evil'). But, to be honest, it could probably have happened just about anywhere on the London Transport network - it seems to be a far more frequent occurrence these days: buses that don't stop, drivers with short fuses - you know the sort of thing. And don't get me started on ill-mannered passengers...

This is just my 17 Syllable therapy/revenge. And, boy, do I feel better for it, thank you......

ah, right - stool pigeons...

*********************************

of course I've heard of
a flight of stairs - but not (till 
now) of 'flights of chairs'...


*********************************














('Tailor-made for Sitting Ducks?': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

taking a £££££££££££ounding...

****************************************

current account, my
arse - mine's more a blow-by-blow
account: all debits...

****************************************















Yes, I'm still of sound mind - just. It's the balance of my bank that's disturbed...














("Show Me My Fortune, Teller": 17 Syllables)

fantasy football - the perfect match...

******************************

when Man United
meet Woman United, let's
hope everyone scores...

******************************


















('A match made in heaven - but played at Old Trafford':17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

there's no dough in being a juror...

*****************************

Will the court rise? No?
(Make the jury a baker's
dozen, and they might!)

*****************************


















('Us? Made of money? No. Made of dough? Maybe': 17 Syllables)

there's a lack of abs in 'absence'...

************************************

"and what do you get
out of of training?"..."nothing - I
just get out of it"...

************************************







('The Couch Potato': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

I have given: the present perfect...

************************************

Mr and Mrs
Jones request your presents at
their son's wedding (loads!)

************************************





















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

shop assistants and the correct form of a dress...

***************************************

husbands should only
talk wives into clothes they'd love
to talk them out of...

***************************************




















('It's a Win-Window Shopping Situation': 17 Syllables)

I call a spayed a spayed, me...

*******************************************

"Testicularly
challenged? My dog? That's bollocks.
'Neutered?' Yep, sure is"...


*******************************************



















('Me? Intellectually challenged? - No way. 'Stupid' is what I am.': 17 Syllables)

- Private Improperty - Please Enter!

*******************************

if bordello's not
an improper noun, then I've
no idea what is...

*******************************




















('Proper Nouns': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the battle of the sexes: and so to bed...

****************************************

a night in shining
armour, you say? - no thanks, pet,
I've got a headache...

****************************************





















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

a two course meal (way too coarse, right?)

***************************************

Revenge is a dish
best served cold. To follow? - Give
them their just desserts...

***************************************




















(More 'Vicioussoise' than Vichyssoise': 17 Syllables)

a retouchy subject...

************************************

if window-shopping's
'just looking',  photoshopping's
'just looking good', right?...

************************************



















('17 syllables plus' re-mix)

one more jibe, and I'll, er, crown you...

***********************************************

"WOOD JUBILEE'VE IT!"

'Wood?' My arse. 'Diamond', more like.

- 60 bloody years!...

***********************************************

(Did I say 'bloody'? - I meant 'glorious': 17 Syllables)

that old travel bug: the see[sic] blues...

****************************

Sailing The Seven Seas 

****************************

---mediterranean sea,

---adriatic sea,

---arabian sea,

---caspian sea,

---black sea,

---red sea,

---nau sea [sick]

****************************

"Listing seas: far safer than listing ships. - Discuss."

the ex-factor: a star is born - then borne away...

**************************************

once upon a time

I was the best thing since sliced

bread - and now I'm toast...

**************************************

('Born & Bread, and Buttered Up': 17 Syllables)

love is...

**********************************

Our eyes met, and my

life changed forever. Herpes -

it keeps coming back...

**********************************

- what's mine is yours, what's yours is mine: his and herpes...

(Romance - not so much 'dead', more 'dead honest': 17 Syllables)

there's the wrong way - and the write way...

********************************

if you've nothing nice

to say about someone, say

nothing - just text it...

********************************

('And another thing...': 17 Syllables)

pounds, shillings and pensive (is it still only a penny for your thoughts?)

********************************

pennies? - these days they
go as far as the old, well,
not very farthing...

********************************


















('The Penny (Not So Far)thing': 17 Syllables)

a union of utilities...

************************

is the merging of
gas and electricity
a coalition?...

************************


















(Just a thought (only just) : 17 Syllables)

the Muslim equivalent of a life behind bras...

******************************

modesty may well

be the word, but a burqa's

more of a sentence...

******************************

(17 Not-So-Sillybles: '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

In an English country garden...

************************************

She gave us a wink

As she pulled down her dress...

(With a 'hey-nonny-no,'

Which I took as a 'yes')

************************************

(Sung - to the tune of £25 for a quickie. Only kidding)

if a lit'll won't kill you, a lottle...

********************************

copious amounts

of gin's fine - can't copious

amounts, now that's bad...

********************************

('Rhymes With Bottle': 17 Syllables)

OK, so it wasn't exactly life-threatening...

********************************************

I writhed on the floor,
screaming for help...some houmous...
and "maybe some crisps?"...

********************************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

putting the tit into title (it's 'Mr', not 'sister')

****************************************

male escorts who call
themselves fee males haven't quite
thought it through, methinks...

****************************************




















(17 Professionally Sillybles)

their hooker's a looker: putting the 'scrum' into scrumptiousness...

****************************************

"crouch - touch - pause - engage" -
Australian foreplay has
some very strict rules...

****************************************











(1) crouch...(2) touch...(3) pause...(4) engage - so that's what's meant by fourplay!...

('Rugby - Not So Much a Sport, More a Lay of Wife': 17 Syllables)

'Confessions of a Working Girl', out now in paperback...

*********************************

no, dad - "once upon
a mattress" doesn't make it
a bedtime story...

*********************************



















(Once Upon a Time and a Half ("It's Saturday Night, Luv"): 17 Syllables)

you'll find me at the bar - all bloody day...

**************************************

"I'm knackered! - Boy, do
they keep you on your toes here.
Bloody ballet school!"...

**************************************












- and bloody ballet toes...











('It's all tu-tu depressing': 17 Syllables)

are these the pets of 'heavy petting'?...

************************************

love rats and rampant
rabbits...everywhere! - it's pets'
corner round my place...

************************************




















('fornicating mammals, n pl: animal lovers': 17 Syllables)

a snitch in time results in nine years' 'time'...

*******************************

a word in someone's
ear can lead to a sentence
in a prison cell...

********************************












...and a whole new chapter in someone's life...











('That Green Green Grass at Home - I'll Kill Him!': 17 Syllables)

arose from the dead...

******************************** 

 'reincarnation'?... 

why carnation? - wouldn't 'a 

rose' be far more apt?... 

******************************** 

 (17 Syllables)

  ---------------------------------------------------OR ----------------------------------------A rose...from the dead? Is that when a rose is thrown on the coffin - and, bugger me, it's thrown straight back?...

'The Deep Fat Friar', Sherwood Forest...

*************************************

"Nottingham and eggs
again!" - Robin Hood soon tired
of Tuck's greasy spoon...

*************************************





















("Give us a break"fast: 17 Rather Sillybles)

a rose by any other name...

********************************* 

 what? this isn't an 

orgy? - then it's one heck of 

a legs-aparty...

********************************* 

 (17 Sillybilly'bles)

the redheads of state...

***********************************

it's feared, when redheads
do rule the world, they'll do so
way too gingerly...

***********************************










(according to a recent straw(berry blonde) poll)













('Seems it's almost taken as read - well, auburn': 17 Syllables)

putting the 'car' into carcasses...

******************************************

"any manifold
joints in stock, butcher?" - "er, beef
or chicken stock, sir?"...

******************************************




















('A case of the blind leading the blind' (as opposed to a case of Chablis, say?): 17 Syllables)

from will.i.am to will.i.was...

***********************************

"When I say 'Fire!', fire
at will!" - so they did. Poor old
will - no-one liked him...

***********************************




















('A Black Eyed Pea who got more than just a black eye': 17 Syllables)

hey, size is everything...

****************************************

the bad news, pal, is
that you're a prick - the good news:
you're quite a big one...

****************************************



















(17 Sillybles)

two's company, three's the green, I believe...

**************************************

'love, honour...and a
baize' - it's that old snooker love
triangle again...

**************************************
















('A snooker widow's longest break? A weekend in London.': 17 Syllables)

hardly an alcohol-fuelled life...

******************************** 

 

at about seven 

months per bottle, I prefer 

a very sloe gin... 

 ********************************

  - makes up for all the fast food, mind... 

('7 mpb', 17 Syllables)

the human race? - that's me, being lapped...

*************************

sensitive feet run
in the family - ever so
gingerly, it seems...

*************************

















(17 Syllables)

the royal family? - what a shower...

**********************************

the Queen's reigned non-stop
for sixty years now - and still
there's a hosepipe ban...

**********************************












(seems our humour's as dry as ever, too)












('Well-Bread and Dripping-in Diamonds': 17 Syllables)

drug running and the 2012 Olympics...

************************

will anti-doping
policies still allow for
injections of pace?...

************************













(Yesterday's breaking news: drugs-cheat Dwain Chambers' lifetime ban overturned - now eligible for the Olympics)












('nothing wrong with a bit of needle': 17 Syllables)

some right-hand men have lousy right hands...

***************************

I played the devil's
advocate yesterday. At
darts. He was rubbish...

***************************





















(17 Rather Sillybles)

and now for something completely different...

******************************

nothing says "sorry,
I don't get it" more than a
broken thermos flask...

******************************












"Sorry, I don't get it"...













"Bingo!"...









(also said to work with 'hot water bottle' and 'intravenous drip': 17 Syllables)

castles in the air...

**********************************

"a 'dream' home, you say? -
don't waste our time, we only
deal in real estate"...

**********************************


















('Get Real' Estate: 17 Syllables)

it's cheese 'n' onion that turns the Mrs on...

******************************

I was burnt to a
crisp on holiday. Bugger -
salt and vinegar...

******************************



















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

V for Victory! (or, ahem, viagra)

******************************

Footballers rejoice
when they've a semi under
their belt. Me? I blush...

******************************











(Chelsea beat Barcelona in their Champions League semi-final last night)












('Onwards and upwards - or downwards, in my case': 17 Syllables)

"I've never had to face the music, either"...

************************************

I never look at
my wife when I make love - we
wait till she's gone out...

************************************





















('My Lover Fair': 17 Syllables)

hard to swallow (a bit like the food)

*******************************

"You are what you don't
eat, loser. It's been on the
shelf for years - like you"...

*******************************


















(17 Syllables)

a singleton's larder...

*******************************************

we are what we
eat - most of my grub spends far too
long on the shelf, too...

*******************************************



















('A Lot in Common': 17 Syllables)

"a verse to the London Marathon" (and yes, I am averse to it)

**************************

As for last year's race,
I was all but gone after
about 7 miles...

---------------o----------------

...so I switched over
to BBC 2 and caught
most of Scooby-Doo.

**************************









(ok, make that 2 verses)











('Never mind the final killer-metres, the first few are pretty draining, too': a doubled-up 17 Syllables)

love 3-liners, hate liners...

**********************************

of course the cruise was
rubbish - what do you expect
from a bin liner?...

**********************************





















('And Not Even a Pedal Bin?': 17 Syllables)