up, up - and away in the manger...

I like to arrive at airports
with an hour in hand:
it's cheaper than luggage
and you can pack a lot into it...

...those nice gentlemen in customs will be none the wiser, either. All of which is a roundabout way of saying "I'm off". For around three months. As before, of necessity, radio silence will be maintained for the duration: "greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his keyboard for his friends"...

Your complete indifference is much appreciated.

Love, light and peace, x

PS: They say that you should never take anything with you that you're not prepared to lose. Good news for my mate Steve. His girlfriend's taking her virginity. Just saying.

Talking of mangers: a very premature Happy Christmas to both of you!

bottom marks...

**********************************

I don't think the cane
improved my IQ - but it
sure made my bum smart...

**********************************


















('Why 'corporal' punishment?- Just the two stripes?': 17 Syllables)

poster pocalypse...

*******************************

"Keep Calm and Ignore
This Poster," it read. So I
panicked. Calmly...

*******************************








(then shouted! - discreetly)









('When confusion reigned - on the people's parade': 17 Syllables)

trying it on in the changing room...

*************************************

"One Item Only,"
read the sign. Well, Jane and I
were - so in we went...

*************************************








"Yes, we're an item. And as for changing rooms - well, they're better than changing partners"...










('Birthday suits, XXL': 17 Syllables)

a thing of beauty is a joy forever - this isn't it...

*************************************

this haiku will self-
destruct after five seconds: 
one...two...three...four...five

*************************************








From haiku to blank verse. In five seconds - flat...









('I write...I write-off': 17 Syllables)

they want to go all the way, too...

*************************************

"Men keep coming on
to me,"sobbed the bus. "I hate
being so attractive"...

*************************************


















('Moving people to tears (via Clapham)': 17 Syllables)

in the force - and in their (chemical) element...

******************************

policemen have to
be on their mettle at all
times - and it's copper...

******************************








Cu: copper (not if I Cu first, son)









('The symbol of authority': 17 Syllables)

poetic justice? - well, no, but it does rhyme...

**********************************************

Bugger! I've been tailed...
nailed...bailed...and jailed. Talk about
chryme and punishment!

**********************************************


















('An arresting three lines. Of sorts': 17 Rather Sillybles)

sometimes donors themselves get sick...

**************************************

"You've got an enlarged
social conscience," said the doc.
"Will I give?" I asked...

**************************************








- the words no patient likes to hear...









('How long much have I got?': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
e-bola: an illness for the electronic age. I'm off to The Gambia soon. Maybe it's on my mind.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

what? no route vegetables?...

*******************************

Reaching Spaghetti
Junction, I found a fork in
the road and tucked in...

*******************************


















('Birmingham and eggs. Also tasty.': 17 Syllables)

it's not always ladies first...

************************************

I'm sad to say my
dad beat my mum to death. So
now she's a widow...

************************************








(fear not, no humans were hurt during the writing of these 17 syllables)









('The human race - to the line': 17 Syllables)

or was it marmalade?...

*****************************************

In the beginning
was the Word. Then came Fascists
and cornflour, I think...

*****************************************


















('Have you actually read the bible? No, I saw the film': 17 Syllables)

the spare bedroom: a room to go spare in...

*******************************

It's quite hard now my
wife and I no longer make
love. Bit of a waste...

*******************************








 - the only thing I can turn on in bed now's the radio...









(17 Syllables)

a haiku's brief...

******************************

A haiku's brief is
to evoke wonder in three
lines. A haiku's brief.

******************************


















(17 Syllables)

inebriated as a newt...

**************************************

there's one thing that can't
be preserved when pickled - and
that's your dignity...

**************************************


















('Do you mind walking in a straight line, sir? Or along these three lighthearted ones': 17 Syllables)

1 French letter or 4 dreaded letters? - you choose...

***********************************

A beautiful girl
gets laid. - AIDS - A beautiful
girl gets laid to rest...

***********************************








Sorry. A tad serious, this one. No apologies...









('Look before you leap - into bed': 17 Syllables)

platinum: as good as gold - only denser...

***************************************

"Why he insists on
calling me a dumb blonde, I
just can't think". - "That's why"...

***************************************


















(17 Syllables)

depression: a race to the end...

********************************

sometimes people want
to beat everyone to death -
by getting there first...

********************************








(this blog is primarily a lighthearted one - but, well, sometimes something else slips in. I make no apologies)









('The human race: winning isn't everything': 17 Syllables)

Come round to mine. Guess what? - it's down that cul-de-sac...

*****************************************

cozy tete-a-tetes
in smart pieds-a-terre...now that's
what I call frenchship!...

*****************************************


















(17 Syllables)

lynch mobs: guess who didn't die laughing...

***************************************

traitors who are hanged
for high trees'on put the pun
into punishment...

***************************************








talking of puns: what is the worst type of traitor? - the italic type...









(Do all suspended death sentences contain 17 Syllables?)

more of a euphemism, I'd say...

**********************************

"Meet you for drinks," I'd
said. But that wasn't what I'd
really metaphor...

**********************************


















(17 Syllables)

there's only one eye in palindrome...

**************************************

the eye: not only
does it look both ways - it looks
the same both ways, too

**************************************


















('There's only one eye in profile, too. The left one, and it's bloodshot': 17 Syllables)

"Ouch! Coming, darling"...

*************************************

when the big hand's on
twelve and the little hand slaps
you, it's time for bed...

*************************************


















(17 Syllables)

For Sale: chandeliers, surplus to requirements...

******************************

Over 60? Who
doesn't prefer their Sutra
a tad Kama now?...

******************************








A toast: "to the swinging 60's, and what we were swinging from!" (speaking as someone who's now entered his own, no-longer-swinging, 60's)









('Light entertainment' takes on a whole new meaning: 17 Syllables)

Miss World (it was hard not to)

************************************************

'Twas no surprise Miss
Greece was crowned - her backless dress
was the wrong way round...

************************************************


















('Double exposure': 17 Syllables)

deferred payment...

***********************************

Yes, we went Dutch on
our first date - but, boy, did I
pay for it later!...

***********************************


















('Amsterdamn her!': 17 Syllables)

OAP springs eternal...

****************************

Viagra? - At my
age, all I'd get out of it
is a stiff handshake...

****************************














('Love goes with marriage, virility with age': 17 Syllables)

the b in my bonnet - is it 'in' it or 'on' it?...

**************************

if the 'b' in 'debt'
is silent, is the one in
debtor no bebtor?...

**************************







Who wants to b in debt, anyway?...









('B quiet?" - "Yes, it is:": 17 Syllables)

Over Andover and Dover again. Not.

*********************************

I always fly one
way to France. In a plane. Is
there another way?...

*********************************


















('Entente Cordiale: the desire for Frenchship': 17 Syllables)

meanwhile, down in the gym...

*************************************

blonde inflatable
dolls are fantastic: dumb belles
really keep you fit!

*************************************








- well, blow me down! (don't you mean 'up'?)...









(I get more out of breath every year (that's inflation for you): 17 Dumbbellables)

Rice and Curry - a musical feast...

******************************

Tim Curry and Tim
Rice: the musical men on
musical menus...

******************************








- Rocky Horror, Jesus Christ, Joseph, Evita - what's not to like?...









('Putting the 'men' into 'menu': 17 Syllables)

baked beans a l'orange...

********************************************

Some men make their wives
lunch. Others make them laugh. Mine
laughs when I make lunch...

********************************************


















('I don't look that good in a suit kitchen': 17 Syllables)

things that go off in the fridge...

**********************************

mum has to keep her
alarm clock in the fridge - it
goes off otherwise...

**********************************








Mum's out cold. Clock's in cold...









('No sound asleep': 17 Syllables)

your starter for ten...

*************************************

Chef's special? He should
call it "Haute Quizine: can you
guess what it is yet?"...

*************************************








- if that's the starter, I'm dreading the next question course...









(Fluor)essence of je ne sais quoi': 17 Syllables)

material witnesses - choose your material wisely...

**************************

a reliable
material witness is
almost never suede...

**************************








- velcro's not bad, mind (it helps you stick to the story)









('The fabric of society. It can't be swayed': 17 Syllables)

a swell singer, but...

*****************************

Billy Ocean?...what
a misnomer! He's never
been near the high C's..

*****************************








- he tried to get there once, but soon returned to base (baritone, tenor, whatever...)









('Singing in the quay of sea': 17 Syllables)

A verse to cursing. (No, I'm not averse to cursing)

*********************************

"why are your e-mails
full of expletives? - "it must
be the cursor, mate"...

*********************************








"No point swearing? Then I'll just swear pointing" (said the cursor) "It's what I do"...









('It's o and not e - except after t': 17 Rather Sillybles)

sits vac (in amazement)

*************************************

short staffed "Casting Co.
for Dwarfs" urgently seek three
or four more short staff...

*************************************


















("We've searched high and low - low, mostly": 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've always looked up to Warwick Davis (Ewok) - not the easiest thing to do.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

call in the cavalry...

**************************************

do artillery
batteries need chargers? - would
any war horse do?...

**************************************








  









(The knight shift (charging takes a while): 17 Syllables)

a parent in (parent)hesis only...

****************************************

...been married for ten
years now. three lovely children.
and one ugly one...

****************************************


















(17 Syllables)

behind closed doors...

****************************************

when the sign reads 'DO
NOT ENTER'TAINMENT', you know
it's a private club...

****************************************


















(17 Syllables)

is it "now or never, if you want to be clever"? - er, no...

***************************************

it's never too late
to learn - something I learnt just
a little too late...

***************************************


















(17 Syllables)

mobile homes...

**********************************

are phone companies'
headquarters found in office
blocks - or app.artments?...

**********************************


















('Not in cell blocks, I trust': 17 Syllables)

I'm a SEMI-rough diamond (ie: always half-cut)

************************************

Why can't rough diamonds
be a girl's best friend? - a girl,
perchance, with (n)opals?...

************************************


















('Do girls with opals have o pals?': 17 Syllables)

WARNING: the following haiku contains flash photography...

***********************************************

I'm a man of my

word, so don't say you weren't warned.
Flash photography.

***********************************************









- don't say I didn't warn you...










(17 Rather Sillybles)

a musical harmoney that consists of just three notes: £5, £20, £50. Not a tenner in sight...

******************************************

Spinal Tap? Spinal
Crap, more like. And you know why?
Those dire Spinal Chords...

******************************************








- the same spinal chords that can be heard on their bad back catalogue. With emphasis on the bad back...









('Rock, Paper, Scissors: the rock doesn't cut it': 17 Syllables)

car parks are depressing (on so many levels)

****************************************

"People want change!"
scream MP's. Well, mum does - to
feed the damned meter...

****************************************


















('Vincent Hefter, News at Ten, Level 4': 17 Syllables)

On the road again. Well, on the tarmac, to be specific...

******************************

The wife and I are
always falling out on long
car journeys. No doors...

******************************








(Two types of people run out of doors: keep-fit fanatics - and badly-run builders' merchants)









('Cabri Ole!: a convert-a-bull': 17 Syllables)

more best cellar than bestseller...

****************************************

No, ma'am, my works aren't
profound. Just found. I found this
one just yesterday...

****************************************


















('No prose, all cons': 17 Syllables)

Left at the start. Then straight ahead...

**********************************

"I've started loads of
marathons. Finished none of
them," sighed the starter...

**********************************


















('The starting pistol': 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Would I like to be an official starter? Yes, I wouldn't mind giving it a shot...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

they're coughing up money, but that's OK...

**********************************************

there's a healthy test
match crowd here today - three cheers
for the N.H.S!...

**********************************************








- it's the batsmen who've got the runs, haha...









('Healthy coffers': 17 Syllables)

another girl, another wrongdezvous...

*****************************************

I like my current
girlfriend - but no, she's not "Miss
Right". More "Miss Right Now"...

*****************************************





('Current generates little spark': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------
IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD...
-----------------------------------------------
The best things in life are free. Overdraft facilities, for example.
To help pay for all the other things that aren't...
-----------------------------------------------

India, a hippie haven...

****************************************

to those of you who
want to find yourselves, why don't
you just Goa way?...

****************************************


















('Goa head: get lost. In thought': 17 Sillybillybles)

a brush with the law (hog-bristled, no doubt)

****************************************

'Fine Artists,' read the
corner shop's card. 'How much' or
'why', it didn't say...

****************************************








- what did they do? Draw salaries? (under false pretences?)









('That'll teach them to paint the town red':17 Syllables)

birthday blues...

*******************************

I'm taking Ben to
Beethoven's 9th tonight. I
hate these kids' parties...

*******************************


















('Music to my ears. Not': 17 Syllables)

one item only (and we are, now)...

*******************************

my boyfriend's so shy,
the only place he tries it
on's the changing room...

*******************************








- and boy, doesn't he try it on! We're talking birthday suits here...









(Changing rooms good, changing partners bad': 17 Syllables)

those elusive high C's...

*****************************

"sorry, luv, wrong quay,"
said the piano tuna, "I'm
looking for the sea"...

*****************************








Gratuitous joke: how does a piano tuna do his work? - with his fish fingers?...









('as the oboe was drowned by the cello...': 17 Syllables)

Aids...

A beautiful woman gets laid




























...to rest.

It's not just something that happens to other people. Take precautions...

stupid dogs - I was trying for a Thursday...

*******************************************

every dog has its
day: Mastiff, FOxhouNd, PooDle,
AlsAtian, GreYhound...

*******************************************







(mind you, with my dogs it's always bloody chewsday)









(Red Letter Day: Barking mad? Maybe. Doggerel? No: 17 Syllables)

life with a dumb blonde - a blow by blow account...

**************************************

'Lolita' really
takes my breath away - it's what
inflatables do...

**************************************








- I blow her up, she blows me away. Simples...









('Dumbbelles do keep you fit!': 17 Syllables)

"this situation viz-a-viz your visa, sir"...

**************************************

Consistency's my
middle name. It drives passport
control up the wall...

**************************************








For 'red tape' read 'very well-read' tape. For 'tape' read 'passport'...










(17 Syllables)

my gap year...

I went to India to find myself

































...a woman.


Wow, that WAS quite a gap. Well worth it, though...

a relationship with no strings (just rope)DRAFT

***************************************

I'm quite compliant
when it comes to sex. I'm bound
to be. Quite tightly...

***************************************



















("I know she won't leave me. I trussed her": 17 Syllables)

the (spend a) penny whistle...

*********************************

toilet training's great -
I'm training mine to whistle
whilst I s(*)it on it...

*********************************


















('A little potty(-mouthed)': 17 Syllables)

suicide by side...

******************************

Suicide pacts: when
one person beats another
to death. By seconds...

******************************








(Sometimes pieces slip in that are a little less than lighthearted. I make no apologies)









('A dead heat. Well, almost': 17 Syllables)

the good die young...

*************************************

I'm heartbroken - my
best friend's just beaten me to
death. She died last night...

*************************************








(Sometimes pieces slip in that are a little less than lighthearted. I make no apologies)









('The human race: it's not first past the post': 17 Syllables)

get down from the table and get your just desserts - sorry, just get your desserts...

*************************************

after dinner, we
always leave the table for
the three-piece suite course...

*************************************


















('Jelly 'n' telly - and a satisfied belly': 17 Syllables)

XLIX - L - LI - and counting (on a few more years yet)

*******************************

51's no prime
number - it's a "no longer
in your prime" number...

*******************************








I cannot tell a LI - age is just a number. I wonder what mine would be in Roman numerals?









('Bugger! "XL" used to be my age. Now it's my bleedin' size': 17 Syllables)

how do you make a cake stand? - play it the National Anthem...

**********************************

"June the twelfth and the
fruit of the genus Juglans?" -
Wrong date and walnut...

**********************************








- I'm pretty sure I asked for the fifteenth. Give me a Bakewell Tart, instead...









('Nutty as a fruitcake': 17 Syllables)

the horse plough...

************************************

If many hands make
light work, 16 hands should do
it. Just the one horse...

************************************


















(Arable land doesn't mean an Arab'll do it. A Clydesdale's better suited': 17 Syllables)

the (in)correct form of a dress...

MICHELIN MAN'S ATTIRE








And I'm a human being. So what?......
*********************************************

it could have done with another 20 minutes...

**********************************

There's nothing wrong with
set meals - or almost set, in
this case. It's jelly...

**********************************


















('Fungi seeks jelly mould. No time wasters': 17 Syllables)

always get a quote from at least TWO builders*...

********************************

"ask not what your country
can do for you, ask for a
cuppa every two hours"...

********************************








...*because, at 19 syllables, the first quote may not quite fit...









(With apologies to John F. Kennedy)

for 'David & Goliath' read 'Lidl and LARGE'...

**********************************

"Every Lidl helps,"
sighs Tesco. "Helps eat into
our profits, damn it"...

**********************************








(Tesco (motto: 'every little helps') face financial scandal/crisis - UK headline news today)









('Time to take stock' (while they've still got some): 17 Syllables)

(not just any place) mats...

****************************************

There are places I
won't eat. Leeds, for starters. Or
Hull - for any course...

****************************************


















(Then back to mine for pudding on the sofa (the three-piece suite course): 17 Syllables)

a tale of two guys: gross guy and algae...

*************************************

The sea-weed on the
sand. I did, too. (The tide was
out, so never knew)

*************************************








never mind the tide being out, the jury is, too - going against the grain(s): gross, or what?...









(Forget 'hate crime', think 'rhyme crime':17 Syllables)

there are classified ads - and 1st Classified ads...

*****************************************

For Sale: eight hat stands,
pine. Would suit someone seeking
eight hat stands, pine. Phone...

*****************************************


















('Sorry, not interested, mate. I'm after three pipes, meerschaum': 17 Sillybles)

revenge is a dish best served cold...

***************************************

Yes, I cook. My best
dish serves six people. My worst
serves six people right...

***************************************









(to be honest, my favourite dish is a wonderful bone china affair signed by 15 of our most celebrated TV chefs. It's what I call my signature dish)









('Haute Quizine: have you guessed what it is yet?': 17 Syllables)

SCOTTISH REFERENDUM RESULT

"NO" news is good news! 

Sanity prevails...

'Salmond'? Little more than a (charismatic and vaguely dangerous) anagram of 'Almonds'.
Nuts, by any other name.

'Nuff said...



Better together - better get some breakfast...




************************************************************************************* 

"Go to town! No, not THAT one!"...

************************************

Yes, there are certain
places I don't like to be
touched. Leeds, most of all...

************************************


















('Beauty spots. Not.': 17 Syllables)

Scottish Independence Referendum (with apologies)

***********************************

"One landmass, one land
massturbation!". W*nkers of
the World Kingdom, UNITE!...

***********************************




Sometimes life's just too serious to take seriously...

Apologies for the puerility - I haven't grown up yet - but I firmly believe that anything other than a "no" vote would be a total nonsense. An unmitigated disaster. I wouldn't really go as far as to call all "yes" voters 'w*nkers' (well, not in public) but I would respectfully suggest they take a long, hard look at the bigger picture. The global picture. The universal picture. The car. (Our island would be like a broken fan-belt: united we fanned, divided we stall.)
The planet needs no more artificial, man-made borders, no more divisions, no more areas of potential friction. More than ever, in fact, what the world needs is unity. Furthermore, most voters don't have nearly enough knowledge to be able to come to an informed decision (myself included, but I have no vote).
It's first past the post, so never mind 'winning by a nose', winning by a 'no' would do just fine. Even just the one. It's important. Let it happen.
The United Untied Kingdom? Who the hell benefits from that? The whole bloody idea's madness.
You heard it here first seventeenth.

****************************************************************************************

Friday night is music night round mine...

**********************************

"no, tap-dancing on
two tins of baked beans isn't
the can-can, darling"...

**********************************








- nutcase? maybe. 'Fred Astaircase'? almost certainly...









(More steps than a Fred Astaircase (putting the 'folly' into 'Folie Bergere'): 17 Syllables)

Wonder Woman...

*********************************

"bugger! of all the
superpowers to have, it had
to be 'wondering'"...

*********************************








- "you don't know the half of it," sighed Soup-a-Man... 









('Why me?' she wondered. Magnificently': 17 Syllables)

Pica$$000,000 paints piss-poor passport pics...

***************************************

yes, granddad's heart's in
the right place - it's the earlobes
and eyebrows that aren't...

***************************************


















('Poor granddad, he's all over the place. Well, his face is': 17 Syllables)

"sorry, wrong quay," said the piano tuna...

***********************************

bluefish tuna are
pretty rare - and they're even
prettier well done...

***********************************







best with a cheeky glass of white (1/2 gill)
(why aren't gills used any more? - don't good wines need to breathe, too?) 









('Fish lovers do it on plaice mats': 17 Syllables)

Pistorius victorious? - what price justice?...

*************************************

Pistorius had
the world at his feet. Shame he
didn't have any...

*************************************








...nor an honest bone in his body. It's hard to believe that justice has been done - one's heart goes out to Reeva's family and friends. What next? A suspended sentence? # it's a sorry world








Sometimes the real world has to break into what is essentially a lighthearted blog. No apologies.

stock-car racing: sport - or wreck-creation?...

*************************************

After dad's ski crash
last Tuesday, he went downhill
fast. On the black run...

*************************************




(17 Syllables)

there's (a bit) mortar life than (a bricks &) mortar life...

***********************************

why build castles in
the air? - I live on cloud nine,
it's so much cheaper...

***********************************








- all breeze, no blocks...









('Un-real estate: seventh heaven - with a 7-Eleven'): 17 Syllables)

snake and kidney python...

*************************************

"snakes can grow up to
fifty feet!" - wow! wouldn't that
make them centipedes?...

*************************************








(it would also make them fast food - very fast food)









('Look, no hands!': 17 Sillybles)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
So what? Sharks can grow up to 26 feet! (But still can't walk on water)
----------------------------------------------------------------------

anything bar the baa-becue...

**************************************

carnivores like their
lamb roasted or grilled - vegans
prefer it fondled...

**************************************


















(Alfred Lord Tennyson ordered the venison (that's what the Poet Laure-ate): 17 Syllables)

"have you heard the one about?" (builder's crack)

********************************

what else can I build
but castles in the air? - I've
only got breeze blocks...

********************************


















(We stop for lunch from 12:00 to 1:00 (pie in the sky, usually): 17 Syllables)

it's for you...

          
          





___________"dad's on the line, mum"_             _ 
_____________________________________dad_
___________"...on the middle one"...__________














('Interference on the line - on all of them, really')
-----------------------------------------------------------
I love 3 liners: 
Sea Voyager, Queen Mary
and Cunard Princess... 

I love one liners, too
-----------------------------------------------------------

jazz hands & eardrums (make that 'jazz ears & hand-drums')

***********************************

"Look, no hands!" said the
saxophonist. - Wow! So that's
what playing by ear means...

***********************************


















('Trad Jazz (well, not quite so trad)': 17 Syllables)

Lazenby was OK, but I liked Roger more...

*****************************************

'Leave them wanting Moore,'
thought Dalton, Brosnan and Craig.
Well, they got their wish...

*****************************************


















("Roger Moore: a Bond streets ahead": 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What makes a philanthropist? Tony Blair being declared "Philanthropist of the Year" (GQ Men of the Year Awards, 2014) - that's what makes a philanthropissed. Unbelievabloodyble.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hotel/brothel sign in the Philippines (true story)

************************************

"Visitors Must Not
Come" - talk about 'no room at
the innuendo'!...

************************************






- a memory of my travels many years ago. In the same hotel/brothel (I was a few years into a ten-year backpacking trip round the world, so penny-pinching was a way of life) there was also a sign stating "No Solicitors". Luckily, it was never a profession that had attracted me, so I checked in. I say "the Philippines", but it might have been Borneo or Indonesia, I can't honestly remember. Too many countries, too many fleapits - but I've never forgotten the two signs that brought a smile to my face. Nor the disconcerting little peepholes I later discovered in my room, gouged out of the flimsy partitions. Hey-ho...








(17 Syllables)

Two-legged Tripods 1 - World War 2 (away win)

*******************************

One thing I can't stand's
a two-legged tripod. War -
that's another one.

*******************************

(if you can't stand two-legged tripods, what price the heat in the kitchen?)

('Things people can't stand': 17 Rather Sillybles x 2)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A not-unrelated joke: "How do you make a hat stand?"  -  By playing its National Anthem.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the calling song of a field cricket - not...

*****************************

when the umpire called
"ova", half a dozen eggs
sprang to attention...

*****************************








"relax, kids," chirped mummy cricket - rather loudly...









('All for one, and one-a-ball': 17 Unbelievably Sillybles)

don't let the battle of the sexes become the battle of the exes...

**************************************

The wife wears the skirt?
The husband the trousers? - Just
skirt round the trousers!...

**************************************








- where there's a willy, there's a way - round everything...









('Room for one on top': 17 Very Sillybles)

violent agreements...

***********************************

husbands who agree
too violently with their wives
should seek counselling...

***********************************








- and when did these agreements first start?...









('It's that old 'never a cross word' puzzle again': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caught Ziya Azazi yesterday - no, not the disease, the 'dynamic spinning and whirling dancer'. 
Great music, too. All quite hypnotic. Who knew?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GET LOST, SON! (but come back at the weekend)

----------------------

MON      "bye, mum"
----------------------

TUE                lost!
----------------------

WED               lost!
----------------------

THU               lost!
----------------------

FRI                lost!
----------------------

SAT               NAV
----------------------



- welcome back, darling...

malodorous celebrity fragrances: making the stinking rich [sic]

*****************************************

"Celebs have scents of
humour!" (Well, their perfumes do
smell a bit funny)

*****************************************








- forget those top notes of citrus or ginger - stick to pitch and key, Britney...









('Non-essential essential oils': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YOU'RE THE PITS!

Talking of celebrities, Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie got married on Thursday. As poster children for our depressing obsession with all things celebrity, calling them the Pitts is now no longer an insult. It's a fact. Every cloud, etc...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a scholar and a gentleman...

******************************

my wife calls me her
Latin lover - and it's true,
I do love Latin...

******************************







(she says she loves me for my classic good looks books)










('Amo, amas, amat.ter of fact': 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STOP PRESS: Wayne Rooney appointed new England captain. (Rooney appointed, me disappointed)

***********************************

Rooney our captain?
The 'Beautiful Game' just got
a bit uglier...

***********************************

OK, so I'm jesting...but on a more serious note: David Beckham, John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Frank Lampard, Ashley Cole, Steven Gerrard, Wayne Rooney...it's hard to deny that just a cursory glance at the list of off-field 'incidents' involving most of England's recent captains is anything less than a depressingly accurate reflection of where we stand today as a nation. Just saying...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a danger to society...

**************************************

I'm a psychopath,
and it's life-threatening. Whose
life, I won't say yet...

**************************************


















('The 'die' of diagnosis': 17 Syllables)

spread betting...

**********************************

Thank God I'm in a
jam. If it had been Marmite,
I'd have lost a grand...

**********************************


















('2-1 jam, 7-2 marmite, 10-1 the field': 17 Syllables)

I don't do empathy...

*********************************************

I'm an agony
aunt. Some folk are impressed. Those
in agony aren't...

*********************************************


















('Agony Aren't Aunt': 17 Syllables)

plenty of room on top...

********************************

I was late getting
dressed, so I told my beret
to go on a head...

********************************


















('Man with Hat Chap with Chapeau...': 17 Syllables)

pretty, sick woman; pretty sick joke...

*****************************************

Susan's so lovely:
gorgeous eyes, full lips, great hair,
a cute angina...

*****************************************


















(17 Syllables)

a mature student's syllabus pass, pass, pass, fail...

****************************************

I've just passed in three
subjects: French, Art, English and
Greek. I failed in Maths...

****************************************


















(Raise your glasses:"to evening classes!": 17 Syllabus)

celebrity culture: the moron of all oxymorons...

****************************

scrape the bottom of
the Z-list barrel - even
that's had an implant...

****************************


















('Yet another stupid arse: the butt of many a joke': 17 Syllables)

Laura Biding, Mrs...

**********************************

I've always believed
in the letter of the law.
"Why?" Yes, that's the one...

**********************************


















('nee Laura Norder':17 Syllables)

which one makes YOU sick?...

***********************************

TB is spread by
badgers, Marmite by humans.
Not sure which is worse...

***********************************


















('I'm a Nutella man, myself': 17 Syllables)

Izzie? - well, he is now...

*********************************

Dave's had a sex-change -
and I think he's pulled it off.
Or was it severed?...

*********************************













(17 Syllables Cilla'bles (a one-off - ouch!))

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blast from the past (extracts from V.A.T.H. presents Pun verses Fun, Round One, 1977)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A Poem I've Been Itching To Write
------------------------------------------
With his hair matted densely,
He's hated intently,
Each year that he goes to the barber's...
And it's easy to see
What the reason must be:
It's his hair, and the fleas that it harbours.


William Tell (The Story Of A Swiss Roll)
------------------------------------------------
I'm going to the land of William Tell,
With a friend called Iam I know quite well...
I hope to discover
A beautiful lover,
Then back to my wife...but will Iam tell?


Handel's Water Music
---------------------------
The musicians got carried away,
They played far too loud to a fellow...
And it's sadly that I have to say
That the piano was drowned by the cello.


Fruits of Labour
--------------------
Sgt. Pear and Sgt. Lime
Thought the army quite sublime...
Until she joined the Apple corps,
To Granny Smith it was a borps.


Misunderstanding
----------------------
"Tonight, you know, it's steak done rare,"
The Lady Mayoress told the Mayor -
"Alas," he sighed, "official do"...
"OK," she said, "it's cod for two".


Londonderry Air
---------------------
A Frenchman acting "Bottom"
In London's something rare;
They all now sing his praises:
"The London Derriere".


---------------------------------------------------------
"The trouble with inquests," said the coroner,
"is that they're 'why?'s after the event"...
---------------------------------------------------------

------- RETRIEVERS ARE FETCHING -------

---------------------------------------------------------

Is the road to damnation the route of all evil?

---------------------------------------------------------

Stock-car racing: hobby or wreck-creation?

---------------------------------------------------------

"The accused? As good as gold?...Bollocks," 
said the judge, "he's covered in gilt"

---------------------------------------------------------

first course, second course, golf course...

*****************************************

which club would you put
into your dream club sand wedge? -
the beanut putter?...

*****************************************


















('Tee-time': 17 Syllables)

Gullible's Travels: a tale of two cities...

(1)
******************************

We've just returned from
the Parthenon in Athens.
It's still not finished...

******************************




(2)
***************************************

We've just returned from
Venice. The streets were flooded
for the whole ten days...

***************************************








Greetings from London, City of Culture (compensation culture, in these cases): 17 Pretty Sillybles (x 2)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Silly cricket joke: Joe Root's best work is done at five. Which is a pity - the game finishes at six-thirty.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

flat-pack wife (comes with nails and screws)

*****************************************

I love travel and
girls, so asked "Mail Order Brides"
to send me a broad...

*****************************************









(yes, you can call a lady 'a broad' - if being a lady is foreign to her nature)










('M.O.B., in association with Asianwide Building Society': 17 Syllables)

ripping yarns...

*********************************

whilst nitwits are quite
stupid, a knitwit might well
have you in stitches...

*********************************









 









('It's all about the material': 17 Syllables)

brides and (someone who) grooms...

**********************************

These days, more men are
having kids in their forties...

...when their wives are out.

**********************************







  










('Rhyme crime (behind closed doors)': 17 Syllables)

sound bites...

*********************(1)***********************

               "hale and hearty"

      sound of mind and sound of body

---------------------(2)-----------------------    
     
         "............................."
           
                 sound of silence

************************************************

    
(the latter's more of a 'deafinition,' to be honest)




-----------------------------------------------------------------
                  -o- Silly Cyrus Pop Quiz -o-
-----------------------------------------------------------------
   "How much is Miley worth?"  - "1.609344 Kilometeys"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
              (didn't take long twerk it out, to be honest)

cheeky cow...

*********************************************

"Kiss me where no one's

kissed me before," moans Chantelle.

(I think she means Rome)

*********************************************

('Heading abroad...to kiss a broad': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Great British Bake-Off: do I like Mel & Sue? Sure. They're fun. (Better than Mel 'n' Choly).
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

son of a bitch...

*******************************************

"My dad's a boxer,"
I said. "So what?" said John, "mine's
an Irish wolfhound"...

*******************************************


















('Hey, that's the family tree you're pissing on!': 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Football: the ninety-second FA Community Shield waste-of-time is being played today.
I wish. Last I heard, it's still ninety-minutes.
Professional football is far from being the so-called 'Beautiful Game'. It's neither 'beautiful' nor a 'game'.
It's a business, and it's an ugly one. And it's come around again far too soon. End of rant.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the wages of syntax...is death

************************************

Careless talk costs lives.
Call them death sentences. Or
phrases. Or clauses...

************************************


















('Putting the sin into syntax': 17 Syllables)

no, a pizza's not a square meal...

************************************

don't joke about the
obese - they've got enough on
their plate as it is...

************************************


















('I've eaten far too mutch [sic - as a parrot]': 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Going viral: in this electronic age of ours, could e-bola wipe virtually all of us all out.Virtually.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"is that a flatfish?" - "it is, now"...

*************************************

the fisherman sat
on his perch - "now try and get
away," he gloated...

*************************************


















("Where's the catch?" - "He's sitting on it": 17 Syllables)

where can I find two corner men? (er, at two corner shops?)...

*****************************************

even boxers who
don't have time on their side have
at least two seconds...

*****************************************


















(17 Syllables: a round. a bout. 3 lines)

breathe in, breathe out, turn page; breathe in, breathe out, turn page; breathe in...

**********************************

a couch potato
struggles with the concept of
an 'exercise book'...

**********************************







                                       










(17 Syllables)

matrimonious acrimonious...

*******************************************

when "drop dead gorgeous"
becomes "drop dead, gorgeous", you
know it's time to split...

*******************************************










('Not so much a comma, more a full stop': 17 Syllables)

Man United...

**************************************************

"Alex Ferguson?
Who's he?" asked the Queen - "Ma'am, he's
the man you knighted"...

**************************************************

















('Sir Alex Ferguson': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Commonwealth Games, 2014:  Glasgowing....Glasgowing....Glasgone.  Turn the lights out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'I promise to pay the bear on demand the sum of five pounds,' read the notes inside...

*********************************************************

Cried Winnie the Pooh:
"Here's a card from Peru!
With oodles and oodles of money!" -

"I wish you were here,"
(Wrote Paddington Bear)
"But perhaps you could send me some honey?"...

*********************************************************















('Forebears. Two Bears.': 40 Syllables)

half a loafer's better than none...

*******************************

how many people
work in my office? - about
half of them, I'd say...

*******************************


















(17 Syllables)

taking one for the team...

****************************************

behind every great
man lies a great woman - through
her teeth, if need be...

****************************************





('Easy lies the head that wears the crown': 17 Syllables)

second childhood...

************************************

from week-old babies
to weak old grandparents - it's
the circle of life...

************************************


















('An (almost) Perfect Symmetry': 17 Syllables)

the economy: the Land of the Free that's all at sea...

*******************************

adrift on the ship
of state, clinging to a raft
of new policies...

*******************************


















('Reflections of a Floating Voter': 17 Not-So-Sillybles)

dumb and dumber, numb and number (in anyone's language)

*************************************************

"Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq,
six, sept, ----, neuf, dix." Seems I've got
a huit allergy...

*************************************************


















('Nothing a fruity vingt blanc won't solve': 17 Syllables)

Capital chap...

***********************************

if no man is an
island, then who's that fellow
on the Isle of Man?...

***********************************








- "bugger," sighed Douglas, "I've been rumbled"...









('Men? Insular. Writers? Pen.insular': 17 Syllables)

just a joke - but only just (an embarrassing extra little offering today)

************************************

what sort of person
likes to bath alone? - someone
from Barthelona...

************************************


not just any loner - a Spanish loner (17 Verysillybles)

floppy discos? - they're so old-hat...

***************************************

do IT workers
like to switch off from work with
laptopless dancers?...

***************************************


















('InFormation Dancing Technology': 17 Syllables)

you don't have to be mad to live here - but it helps...

**********************************

Never Mind The Dog,
Beware Of The Homeowner's
Mrs - She's Barking...

**********************************







- her name is Glad, and she's barking mad (forget poetic licence, think dog licence)








('My Wife has a Strange Gait': 17 Syllables)

                       ------------------------------------------
                       COMMONWEALTH GAMES SHOCKER

I'm told Fran Halsall faced a hard semi in the pool tonight. Surely it's one or the other?

you sage - me onion...

************************************************

"Wise men know they know
nothing." - "Wow, you learn something
new every day!" - "d'ooooooh!"...

************************************************


















(More 'Brian of Britain' than 'Brain of Britain': 17 Syllables)

discontinued lines...

**********************************

Some lines just don't work
commercially. You're reading
three of them at the

**********************************








- more 'bargain cellar' than best seller...









('Shops are to retail as bookshops to tale': 17 Syllables)

stop press: professional artist draws salary...

***************************

can't artists who draw
on their imagination
afford paper, then?...

***************************


















('Abstract Art': 17 Syllables)

putting the 'fist' into 'pacifist'...

*********************************

"I'd kill for a beer,"
muttered the pacifist. Must
have been his day off...

*********************************


















('Pacifisticuffs': 17 Syllables)

boy bands: now you see 'em, now you don't......

****************************

from 4 beats in a
bar to 4 deadbeats in a
bar: fame is fleeting...

****************************


















('The music in-and-outestry': 17 Syllables)

as an example of intolerance, it's shining...

***************************************

sad the xenophobe
who's forced to use french polish
(he hates both countries)

***************************************


















('Taking a Shine to Foreigners. Not.': 17 Syllables)

one's a written warning, the other's instant dismissal...

************************************

going over someone's
head? - it's better than coming
over it, I'd say...

************************************


















(17 Syllables)

splitting hares...

*****************************

a hare causes damage
wherever it can...
but can't always manage
where leveret can...

*****************************







- reaching the parts that mummy and daddy hare just can't get to...


 






("Bringing up kids? It's hare-raising," said Mr Buck & Mrs Doe. Doh!.)

easy, tiger...

*************************************

the price of anger
management classes drives me
round the f****ing bend...

*************************************


















('A tiger earns its stripes': 17 Syllables)

would I have to work Saturdays?...

******************************

I think I want to
be a motivational
speaker. Or something...

******************************


















(17 Syllables)

adventure travel...

*****************************************

Today East Grinstead,
tomorrow THE WORLD! (Or Hove -
I hear it's quite nice)

*****************************************


















('Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away': 17 Syllables)

Oh, well - at least it WAS in the same breath...

*****************************************

I've been compared to
Wordsworth and Kipling. They say
I'm nothing like them...

*****************************************


















('ad verse criticism': 17 Syllables)

from 'Adonis' to Adonisn't - it didn't take long...

***************************************

Women! They still throw
themselves at me. Frying pan in
in hand, mostly, these days...

***************************************


















('The Ageing Lothario: CasanOver The Hill' 17 Syllables)

me? a technological dinosaur? #too right...

************************************

I love my landline,
so call me old-fashioned. Don't
text me old-fashioned...

************************************








(no bile is better than mobile - who the hell needs abusive tweets?)









('Call Me': 3 (telephone) Lines, 17 Syllables)

the peashooter...

******************************

No animals were
hurt during the writing of
these 3 lines. I missed...

******************************








(I say 'peashooter'...it's a pen, to be honest - and the sheep are still in it)









('Animal Rights Human Writes': 17 Syllables)

when the third degree's a Ph.D...

****************************************

giving them the third
degree? - that's mortar-boarding,
not waterboarding...

****************************************








- it's the difference between absorbing information and extracting it...









('A 3-Line Uni Verse' (quite a cloistered one, too): 17 Syllables)

feet of Klee...

********************************************

Abstract painters wear
their heart on their sleeve - and their
lips on their feet ...

********************************************







and, totally unconnected...
______________________________________________________
The British: we could take the Win out of Winter, too (with apologies to the Bard)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Now is the summer
of our discontent": Murray,
Froome, World Cup, Cricket........British sport, don't you just love it?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
___________________________________________________________________________








('My other painting's a Pica$$000,000': 17 Syllables)

fancy a mixed doubles, then?...a spot of four-play?...

*****************************************

"Too much shuttle, not
enough c*ck!" complained the wife,
"bloody badminton"...

*****************************************


















('Ruffled feathers': 17 Syllables)

"a gooseberry or raspberry one, mama?" (asked the fruit of her loins)

************************************

mum always knew I'd
make something of myself - 'a
fool', I think it was...

************************************


















(It was just her way of saying I was rather sweet. And yes, a tad bitter...: 17 Syllables)

My HSBC 'fast-flowing current' account...

******************************

wise is the man who
keeps his liquid assets in
the HSBSea...

******************************


















('HSBSea - the bank that tides you over': 17 Syllables)

times were hard - and so was I...

*******************************

The whore left. What had
come up in conversation
soon went down again...

*******************************







"What do I think of 50 quid? It's a bit stiff," I said ('I love youphemisms,' I explained - though I knew it was an innuendo)









(For 'whore' read 'courtesan' (taking the sin out of synonym): 17 Syllables)

a TV set calls for TV set meals...

*****************************

you can't beat a night
in: "Tagliatellevision!" - 
Top Gear & pasta!...

*****************************


















('TV Dinners': 17 Syllables)

times were hard - and so was I...

*********************************

"are you free tonight?"
I asked the prostitute - "no,
love - I always charge"...

*********************************


















('Single-handedly, he managed to relieve his frustrations': 17 Syllables)

forget 'dame' - think 'edam'...

**************************************

money can't buy you
love - but it can buy you cheese,
and that's pretty close...

**************************************


















(17 Syllables)

a 'package' is to adventure as Antonym is to Cleopatra...

************************************

all-inclusive, half-
board, full-board & completely
bored: same old, same old...

************************************


















('Give me Gulliver's Travails any time': 17 Syllables)

in the, ahem, glasshouse...

**************************

my father's just been
sent to prism - truly a
time for reflection...

**************************








And this will be my one and only reference to the football World Cup: is a SIM card a card given to footballers for DIVING?  I say 'diving' - in football it's called 'SIMULATION'. Cheating by any other name, and just one of the many reasons I can no longer stand the so-called 'beautiful game'. And I speak here as a lifelong sports lover...

The sport of football
is long since dead. The business
of football drags on...






(17 Syllables)

"can you smell paraffin?" - "yes: P-A-R-A-F-F-I-N"...

*****************************************

"You're a daft old sod" -
"Hey, that's out of order!" - "You're
an old daft sod, then"...

*****************************************


















(17 Pretty Sillybles)

a difficult birth...

*********************************

Born in Kent, I moved
to Poole at 8, then Leeds at
12. Hell of a day...

*********************************


















('Travelling Light': 17 Syllables)

vincent hefter, lifestyle guru...

*****************************************

if you must cut out
something from 'wine, women and
song', make it the 'and'...

*****************************************


















('You Only Live Once': 17 Syllables)

a (classical) musical haiku: short and suite...

****************************

dig that flute solo:
a haunting 3-liner - and
all in E minor...

****************************


















('More sherry, vicar?': 17 Syllables)

mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the...

*****************************

when beauty lies in
the eye of the beholder,
it's a white lie, right?...

*****************************


















("Because the truth hurts": 17 Syllables)

well-red (and a bit blue)

***************************************************

I love paperbacks,
hardbacks and humpbacks - "humpbacks?" -
pornography, mate...

***************************************************


















('It takes all types (though I prefer italics)': 17 Syllables)

It's pretty good for shirts, too. Tee shirts...

************************************

the only way I
can get a smooth golf swing is
by using an iron...

************************************


















(17 Syllables)

a slowly developing photo in the 1st floor cafe...

**********************************

sees a sees a sees
a salad...does sees a sees
a sees a salad?

Caesar sees a sees
a salad...does Caesar sees
a sees a salad?

Caesar sees a Caes-
ar salad...does Caesar seize
a Caesar salad?

**********************************





...or does he have a coffee and roll downstairs?






(17 x 3 Rather Sillybles)

my dad, ever the intelligentleman...

***************************************

Mum told dad to stop
trying to please people. "If that's
what you want," he smiled...

***************************************


















(17 Syllables)

'mind the gap' year students...

******************************

it's great that students
travel overseas - but who
then oversees them?...

******************************


















(17 Syllables)

and who would beg to differ?...

******************************

to a mendicant,
sustenance is always just
an alms length away...

******************************


















(17 Syllables)

"I guess so," said the voyeur...

*****************************

would you call a two-
way mirror 'a window of
opportunity'?...

*****************************


















(17 Syllables)

the car? it's a better runner than I am...

********************************

can getting behind
the wheel in a tracksuit be
called a fitness drive?...

********************************








(17 Syllables)

the vice of vice versa, the sin of synonym...

***********************************

pole-dancers shove their
bodies up a pole - men, their
poles up a body...

***********************************


















(17 Syllables)

albumen will be men (knuckle sandwich, anyone?)

***************************

things got so heated
in the kitchen I had to
separate the eggs...

***************************


















(17 Syllables)

'my little man'ipulator...

*******************************************

I've got quite a soft
spot for my wife. Though she knows
how to harden it...

*******************************************


















(17 Syllables)

children: they've a lot on their plate...

*****************************************

"I hate sprouts...AND MUM!"
cried Johnny . "Well, you can leave
the sprouts...but not home"

*****************************************


















(17 Syllables)

I'm Happy. It's Official...

**************************************

I auditioned for
Snow White and managed to get
onto the short list...

**************************************



Doc,
Grumpy,
HAPPY,
Sleepy,
Bashful,
Sneezy,
Dopey...





...the very short list. (The producers had searched high & low. Low, mostly.)




(17 Sillybillybles)

I've buggered off to Berlin for 3 nights. Hope to see you when I get back. Many thanks.

a good night's sleep makes a word of difference...

*******************************

"I'm lacquered," said the
cabinet. - "I'm often hired
myself," said the van...

*******************************


















('And so to bed': 17 Syllables)

(abandon) rags to riches: the wages of 'sin ropa'...

********************************************

"I'm much better off
now," beamed the stripper. 'So would
your clothes be,' I thought...

********************************************


















("Get 'em off!" shouted the crowd/in awedience: 17 Syllables)

(C)rhyme and (Bad) Pun-ishment (the abridged version)

*******************************

"The judge sentenced me
to seventeen syllables."
That's a short sentence...

*******************************









He could have thrown the book at me. Affrays book, methinks...










(17 Syllables)

who wants the humerus?...

********************************

"this laughing stock makes
clowns taste even funnier,"
said the cannibal...

********************************


















(17 Rather Sillybles)

Laughter, the best medicine. Do not exceed stated dose...

************************************

My mum almost died
laughing yesterday. She should
have read the label...

************************************














('Nothing serious. Infectious, though': 17 Sillybillybles)

down in the mouth - but whose?...

***************************************

when my dentist gets
depressed, the mouth he likes to
look down in is mine...

***************************************


















('Patients are a virtue': 17 Syllables)

aroma(n)tic spice girl...

**********************************

it's Mother's Day - should
Jayne buy her cardamom? Or
buy her momacard?...

**********************************


















('Cardamom's the word': 17 Syllables)

a less than MAGI-cal moment...

***********************************

"Why in a stable?
Why Mary? Why all the fuss?"
(asked the 3 Why's men)

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('God Knows Y': 17 Syllables)

FGM: nothing short of barbaric...

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-------------- from 'CLITORIS' ---------------


       FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION


-------------- to 'CLITORISN'T' --------------



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Forgive me for making light of such an obnoxious practice (I've just returned from The Gambia, so, believe me, it's something I have reason to feel pretty strongly about). Sometimes life's just too serious to take seriously...

a (not so) fast-flowing current account?...

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cash flow woes? - just stash
your liquid assets in a
bank - a river bank...

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('Fluvial deposits': 17 Syllables)

as night follows gravy...

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Chelsea play West Ham
in the Cup tomorrow. What's
a non-sequitur?...

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('Someone (or something) has to follow Chelsea, right?': 17 syllables)

would the remains be chard?...

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salad? - well, rocket
scares me - it might go off just
before I eat it...

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(17 syllables)