Boris & Information Technology...

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Ex-model claims she gave Boris Johnson
technology lessons in her flat (news item).
Apparently, he was gagging for IT.
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Do climate change activists feel under the
weather when they're constantly having to
worry about the weather they're under?...

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(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 24)
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ADULT SHOP: DO NOT ENTERtainment.
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piling on the £££s...

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if you like your food
rich, garnish with lots of thyme -
for thyme is money...

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('If you are what you eat, then hey - you're rich': 17 Syllables)
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Bit naughty of the PM to forge a relationship with
Ms Arcuri. Forgery is a crime...
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neat whisky costs a tidy sum...

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The human body runs on water (writes Bill
Bryson). I'm sure it does. But not THIS human
body, because this human body doesn't run at all -
it's more of a Johnnie Walker...

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Jeremy Corbyn's Brexit policy? - Brexsit-on-the-fence...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 23)
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Food stays inside a woman's system one day
longer than in a man's, apparently (news item).
("But a chip can stay on a man's shoulder far
longer than on a woman's," adds my wife)

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, September 22)

Marathon is back for three months! Yippee!
It's a miles better name than Snickers -
26.2188 miles, to be precise!...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, September 22)
(alias used for this one, they don't like to use same name twice)

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too much of a good thing...

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If music be the
food of love, then let's hear it
for The Gastric Band...♫

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('A little bit of Meat Loaf goes a long way': 17 Syllables)
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Do you need a doggy bag for German Shepherd's pie?
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could the drinking of
too much scrumpy have any
nasty ciderfects?...

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(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 19)
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Poor old Corbyn. Whenever he's asked about Brexit,
he Bricksit... #brex/it-on-the-fence
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Greta love hath no girl than this, that she lay down
the law for our planet (with apologies to John 15:13)
...more power to your elbow, Miss Thunberg...
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Haiku, Bye!ku...
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Is this retirement,
Boris? (From the Supreme Court
to the tennis court?...)
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is an unholy row the opposite of an altar-cation?...
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Are unholy rows
the opposite of altar-
cations? Pray tell me...
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Who came up with the daft "songs most likely to
cause bad driving" list? A steering committee?...
(news item today)
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the moral maze...

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is it dishonest
writing vegan cookbooks that
bring home the bacon?...

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(asks the man who never reads anything by Lamb)



(17 Syllables)

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The toilet stolen from Blenheim Palace may
have been solid gold (news item), but not so
the thieves - they'd be covered in gilt...

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(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 18)
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Does Jacob Rees-Mogg, the Honourable Member for
the 18th Century, own a compewter?...
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Os-bourne again Christian? Probably not. Os-bourne again face? Most definitely...

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Many people in show business are two-faced.
Not Sharon Osbourne - she's now on her fourth!...

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Many people in 
showbiz are two-faced. Sharon
Osbourne's on her fourth!...(17 Sillybles)
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(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 16)
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Melania Trump - Air Force One-derwoman?
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Trafalgar Thquare & Plinth Philip? A match made in

heaven, surely?...(if rumours in the press about vacant fourth 

plinth are to be believed)
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how the mighty have fallen...

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The Great White Hope. Not.
From Boris to Borisn't:
it didn't take long...

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(17 Syllables)
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'Pretty ugly' is an oxymoron. Priti Patel isn't.
Well, not entirely...(not a fan)
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he got up (arose, by any other name)

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Yes, I married far
too early. Should have waited
till after breakfast...

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(17 Syllables)
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Neutrality? Not on Bercow's watch. Which, given
his love of freebies, is probably a Rolex...
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Donald Trump, 1st among equals: Rac1st, Sex1st, Misogyn1st...

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wine, women and - more wine!...

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let's hear it for wine! -
in our house, every party's
a cellar-bration!...

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(17 Rather Sillybles)
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Now Meghan's launched her very own fashion line (news item),
will she launch her very own washing line to dry it all on?...
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my round...

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as golfers can't drink

and drive, they tend to restrict

themselves to putting...

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even tee-totallers buy rounds on public courses...

(17 Syllables)
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£335 for a pair of Hermes flip-flops? "Let the right
foot half the bill, and the left foot the other half.
Me, I'm paying nothing!"...
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£335 for a pair of Hermes flip-flops? How soon before
their marketing people start calling them -flops?...
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walls have ears - humans, beers...

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a plastered wall is
rendered - a plastered human
is rendered senseless...

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(17 Syllables, Daily Mail, September 16, 2020)
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My musical tastes have done a complete 180: I used
to love Kanye West - now I'm more into Fleur East...
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Beauty merely lies in the eye of the beholder. Boris,
however, lies in the eye of the entire nation. Impressive...
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on the lam...

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take pity on the
shepherd whose staff of one turned
out to be a crook...

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(17 Syllables)
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Only a shepherd can be happy when his staff of one turns
out to be a crook...(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 9)
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a white lie, really - to match the sheets...

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"Man, I'm handsome," I
said. (I'd made my bed, so I
had to lie on it)

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(17 Syllables)
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Up, down, up, down, up down: my dad, in his 70s, keeps
fit by lifting a book above his head 20 times a day. He
calls it his exercise book. (His jokes match his dancing)
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cause of building materials shortage (news item)

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When our waiter said the food was on the house,
I didn't realise he meant it was going to be served
on roof slates!...

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these days, "your food's on
the house" merely means it'll
be served on roof slates...(17 Syllables)
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(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, September 8)
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How on earth can John Bercow be allowed to drive the
Commons when he doesn't even know where neutral is?...
(Also in the Mail on Sunday, though they used one of my aliases)
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Amber Rudd resigns...

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The Ship of State's now drifting Rudderless.
Where's Paul Anka when you need him?...

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Bianca Andreescu...
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A star is born! Well, two, actually. Congratulations to both Bianca
and Reescu. Will you be teaming up in the women's doubles now?...
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the human race - it's not a sprint...

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Lethargy runs in
the family. Well, it's more
of a jog, really...

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(17 Rather Sillybles)
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We're off to the Dalmatian coast - where
better to enjoy the dog days of summer?...
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Our beloved PM...

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Boris Johnson says 'he'd rather be dead in a ditch'
than delay Brexit again. How appropriate would
that be? A man who trades on his humour to be
found dead in a ha-ha...( a ha-ha is a type of ditch)

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Jacob Rees-Mogadon used to bring me some light
relief. Sadly, I've been suffering a few too many
disturbing side-effects recently...

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politic..tic...tic - time's running out, Jeremy...

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The weak are a long time in politics.
How many years is it now, Jeremy?...

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(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 5)
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Cricket commentators praise Australian batsman Steve
Smith...they say he hasn't missed anything all summer.
What! Not even his mum?...
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beauty? - only skin deep, mate...

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I like my women
like I like my chocolate - plain,
and a bit nutty...

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(17 Syllables)
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Channel surfing: immigrants find a new way of entering Britain...
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They've stopped selling Wrigley's in our
local corner shop. I'm all for gum control,
but this is ridiculous!...

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dying on stage...

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Canned laughter can kill
a joke dead - some might even
call it manslaughter...

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('Makes me see red, it really does': 17 Syllables)
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I bet there won't be any first day covers with the new
Sir Elton John stamps on. He doesn't do covers...
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Hurricane Dorian...

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Trump warns the States: "this
storm's a monster!" - "Takes one to
know one," sneers the storm...

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(17 Syllables)
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A shortage of sweet potatoes? (news item). No
shortage of couch potatoes, though - maybe we
should now call them 3-piece sweet potatoes?...
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WBA, WBC, IBF, WBO? OMG! WTF?...

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a poem should only
have one title - well, unless
it's about boxing...

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(17 Syllables)
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if cafés serve tea, do cannabis cafés serve high tea?...
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crime scene to be believed...

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the suspect was as
pretty as a picture - so
the police framed her...

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(17 Syllables)
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Headingley: the greaTEST ever!
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"Sad"..."bad"..."good"..."very sad"..."very 

good"..."very bad" - Donald Trump: the man 

who puts the 'dick' into 'dick'tionary...
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