Touched by angels. Inappropriately...

************************************

"Hear, hear," muttered my

guardian angels. "And maybe

here." A bit naughty?...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

I think, therefore I am...

*************************************

I'm not so much a

deep thinker, more a tall one.

Six ft two. I think.

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

Ooh aah, Cantona...

*********************************************

So Cantona's now getting his 'kicks'

By singing and playing a few licks?...

It's all quite enthralling

(And might be appalling)

But I'm hoping he'll knock us for six!

*********************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where are those Weapons of Hamas Destruction when you need them? The

ones that eliminate only terrorists, with NO collateral damage whatsoever...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Asleep at the wheel...

**************************************************************

Me beat Verstappen?

I doubt it'll happen...

As a driver he's incredibly fast.

(And sadly, it seems,

He's the same in my dreams,

Where I'm always a MAGNIFICENT................last)

**************************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We're now being told that the moon is around 40m years older than previously 

thought, at 4.46 billion years old. I have to say, it sure looks good for its age...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If bad grammar can affect a language lover's heart rate (news item), can bad 

punctuation affect the colon?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Annual conferences, perennial plants....

******************************

A Labour Party

coniference? Is that one

that's held in Cypress?...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(KEIR) HARDIE PERENNIALS - mostly found in a Labour activist's garden.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I run, I'm in my (chemical) element...

*******************************

Running a Pb

in the marathon, my legs

really felt like lead!...

*******************************

(Atomic number (82): 17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not long after Trump realises that U.S. is the same as 'us', he discovers

the 'you' in U.S.A., and suddenly everything makes sense...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

More GBH than GB News...

*************************************************

Now neither can be seen on 'the Box',

It's 'Auf Wiedersehen', Wootton and Fox.

After words rather hateful

They both should be grateful

We no longer resort to the stocks... 

#DanWooton #LaurenceFox

*************************************************

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The best way to make sure you're always in your happy place

is to make sure the happy place is always within you...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

See: theanthologyofverse.blogspot.com

***********************************

The largest ant is

the elephANT. The smallest,

insignificant... 

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We've decided to call our daughter Babet. I thought my parents would

hate the name, but it's gone down a storm... #StormBabet

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mum says I'm the the imposter boy for imposter syndrome sufferers. But,

to be honest, I don't think I'm worthy...

My mum says I'm the the poster boy for imposter syndrome sufferers. But,

to be honest, I don't think I'm worthy..

(Not sure which is best!)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Give me own-brand baked beans any time. Paying £4 is for the half-baked...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chocolate cake (size 9)

*****************************************

"Wow, this cakes is as

tough as old boots!" - Sh*t. I must

have used shoe pastry...

*****************************************

('Choux pastry': 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

FUCK TRUMP. No reason. Just makes me feel better.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Awa's Cakery, Gambia's finest...

*****************************************

There can't be many

things in life that aren't improved

by a Battenberg...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

A LAGER & LIMErick...

**************************************************************

How dark are these days for the Tories?

Long gone are the years of old glories...

For now, without doubt,

They're on their way out

(I just hope they've been shown where the door is)

**************************************************************

Another little nugget...

********************************

Digging can make you

filthy. Digging for gold can

make you filthy rich...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Air traffic staff working from home? Bloody hell!

I hope they at least left the landing lights on...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Great Expectations...

****************************************

My buxom date's from

London. "Feltham?" No, not yet -

but I hope to soon...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wonder what environmental activist Greta Thunberg thinks 

about Werther's Original. Is old fossil fuel still acceptable?

They sure keep this old fossil going!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Underneath this hard exterior...

**************************************

I'm tough, me. I can

hold my own (though I'd rather

hold someone else's.)

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A battle-hardened softie is someone who can hold his own

all right, but would much rather hold someone else's...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

ALL OVER THE PLAICE - where to pour the tartare butter sauce.

MY PLAICE OR YOURS? - whose is that BIG piece?

TAKE THE PLAICE OF - pinch someone else's fillet.

PLAICE NAMES - Alaskan and scale-eye, to name but two.

PLAICE KICKER - report him to the RSPCA!

TAKING PLAICE - it's called theft, if you don't pay.

A PLAICE OF MY OWN - I'm not sharing mine, OK?

HIDING PLAICE - the one that doesn't want to be caught.

A PLAICE IN THE SUN - quick, throw it back in!

DECIMAL PLAICE - I can't eat all mine, do you want 0.53 of it?

IN PLAICE OF - makes a great alternative to cod.

PLAICE OF SAFETY - don't worry, it's been filleted.

EATING PLAICE - what are you doing, dad?     (fish restaurant?)

MY HAPPY PLAICE - the one I threw back.

PRIDE OF PLAICE - mummy fish's small fry.

IN LAST PLAICE - the final fish joke.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 17)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spelling 'STOLEN' is a piece of cake. Not to be confused with 'STOLLEN',

which is more of an admittedly cake-like fruit bread. Isn't it about time

someone informed Donald Trump of the fact?...

-------------------------------------------------------------

In loo of veg...

************************************

When vegans take a 

pea or a leek, what on earth 

do carnivores take?...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Now Holly's said 'goodbye' to This Morning

(A programme she'd long been adorning)

Her fans are bereft

At the fact that she's left...

And my wife? Well, she's clearly in mourning...

------------------------------------------------------------- 

(And just wish that they'd had some more warning)

-------------------------------------------------------------

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 18)

At least it's not striking...

*********************************

Bugger! Our running

water's barely jogging. It's

as knackered as me! 

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WEAPONS OF HAMAS DESTRUCTION: beheading babies,

shooting children, burning families alive...is this how far humanity's 

come after how many years on earth? Shame on all of us...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, October 15) (Without the heading)

(Vincent Hefter, Irish Daily Mail, Ocober 19) (.........ditto.........)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's a minute steak, all right!...

***********************************

"I'll have the steak," I

said, "put it on the card." He

did. And it fitted.

***********************************

There's small, and there's minute...

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Do fledglings who haven't learnt how to fly just wing it?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

- and I told my hat to go on a head...

**********************************

TITFER TAT - when you

walk into a pound shop and

all their hats are crap...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Bernie Ecclestone had only £300million in a trust in Singapore,

I could understand how that might slip his mind.

But £400million? How d'you forget that?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 17)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scrabmled gegs...

**************************************

CHCIKNES for sale: great

for those who prefer their eggs

already scrambled...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

I prefer to bat at 6. Happy hour......

****************************** 

If I'm sent in to

bat at 2, chances are I'll 

be back by ten-past...

******************************

(It's a cricket thing: 17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My husband spends all the bloody time at the Oval and Stamford Bridge. Are

those famous enough grounds for divorce, or should I throw in Lords, as well?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've no idea what you're talking about...

*************************************

The best things in life

are free - but sometimes I do

have to pay for it...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

Don't say you weren't warned...

**************************************************

'Curiosity

killed the cat.' - "WHY'S THAT?" wondered

Tiddles. Her last words.

**************************************************

"Curiosity killed the cat," Penny the Poodle informed Tiddles.

"Why's that?" asked Tiddles.

Talk about famous last words!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 3: 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DOMINIC RAAC - cause of a prematurely disintegrated career revealed...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 10)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Weapons of Hamas Destruction: beheading babies, shooting children, burning

families alive? And people wonder why I love animals and struggle with humans.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not only are Labour taking the p*ss by vowing to scrap the Rwanda scheme

even if it works, they're doing so in gender-neutral toilets. Double whammy!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The unopened packet...

**************************************

'Tear along dotted

line'? - "Oh dear. I'm a tortoise.

We CAN'T tear along!"...

**************************************

Mummy tortoise saw the unopened packet. 'To open, tear across

dotted line,' it read. "Oh dear," she sighed, "I'm a tortoise. Tortoises

don't tear along anywhere. I'll have to wait for my human"...

(17 Syllables)

He's just going thru' a bad spel, mate...

*************************************

MALTED WEAT? Looks like

my son's made a right Horlicks

of his spelling bee...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A humble man may not know his haddock from his pollock, 

but he will always know his plaice...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 25)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

LUNCHPACK OF NOTRE-DAME - even bell-ringers have to eat...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

SHORN OF THE BREAD - lamb sandwich, filling only...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Is Ian Fleming? No, he's sleeping...

************************************************************************

"Yes, of course Q was well educated, Bond -

but I was obviously more so."

"How's that, sir?"

"Because Q only had 9 letters after his name: RSTUVWXYZ. 

I, however, had 17: JKLMNO, to name but a few"...

************************************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a sprinter can run a temperature in 3 mins and 53 seconds, 

how long would it take him to run a bath?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A gratuitous eye-liner. Or do I mean 4-liner?...

*****************************

Is it "Me and the Mrs"

(Or "My wife and I"?)

For me, it's the latter...

But I've no idea why.

*****************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did artist Jens Haaning have to repay the £58,000 he was given after

exhibiting only empty canvasses? I once went to a photographic exhibition 

where ever single photo had been taken by a thief. It was excellent...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sweet and savoury, just my type!...

************************************

It's quite hard to be

the salt of the earth if you're

really rather sweet...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------

COCA COAL - a drop of the hard stuff?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COCA COAL - the alternative black stuff (a non-alcoholic stout?)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I prefer relationships with no strings...

***********************************

Air guitar? That was

way too hard (so I've settled

on air maracas.)

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dropping a line from London to Devon ("Dear Granny") costs me

£1.25. Way too expensive, if you ask me. I wonder how much 

dropping a line from Birmingham to Manchester would cost?

'My job, perhaps?' thinks Rishi...     #HS2

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dogs at large - EXTRA large...

 ******************************

XL Bullies: is

it 'one size fits all', or do

they come in M?...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

RISHFUL THINKING - PM predicts a Tory landslide...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 3)

--------------------------------------------------------------

We miss you, Charlie Watts...

*****************************************

Why do Mick, Ronnie

and Keith look so thin? - "Because

they've all lost a Stone?"...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

NHS waiting lists...

*******************************************

Replacement hip or damaged wrist?

It's the NHS's waiting list...

And figures show

It'll only grow:

ANOTHER target Rishi's missed!

*******************************************