*******************************************************************

More and more fifty-plus women are in anguish about
going off sex these days (news item). And I fear my wife
is among them. She doesn't make love when she plays
scrabble any more. It's 'vole' every time. She's changed...

*******************************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 6)

inexcUSAble...

*****************

Donald Trump:

*****************

so...arrogant,
so...egotistical,
so...delusional,
so...bombastic,
so...abrasive,
so...provocative,
so...unhinged,
so...unstable,
so...dangerous,
so...he'll probably be the next President of the United States.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I dreamed I went clubbing with Usain Bolt last night, and we both pilled. He got the
girl, I got the hamstring...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Play golf and you'll live longer (news item). Which is why I never go anywhere
without my driver. Or Mike, as I believe he's called...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Silly me. I always thought Rob Kardashian was Kim's brother. Turns out it was an
instruction...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************

Never go to bed on an argument.
Sleep on the sofa instead...

***************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 4)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, Kirstie Allsopp, the camera does add a few extra pounds. More than a few,
I would have thought. Depends how good your agent is...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cod speak with accents (news item). So do Salmond and Sturgeon, but I can
still understand almost everything they say...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What next, Jamie Oliver? Steak and kidney pie'ella? Methinks he's confusing
'fusion' with 'confusion'...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

60%?

*********************************

if the cops accuse
you of nicking whisky, how
much proof do they need?...

*********************************












(17 Very Sillybles)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A black dormouse has been spotted in the UK for the first time. Yippee!
Black or white, I a doremice...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No running...in the playground! (news item). Or...in No. 10, I suggest.
Better to walk the country well than run it badly, Theresa.
(Slowly, slowly, catchee monkey - when it comes to speed, don't be a junkie)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

old cauliflower ears...

*******************************

My dad never changed
the face of rugby, but it
sure as hell changed his...

*******************************











('The journeyman': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems Radio 4's The Now Show has invented a brand new crime: middle class, white
manslaughter - ridding themselves of what they consider to be an excess of middle
class white man's laughter..
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So George Osborne is set to make up to £75,000 an hour on the speaking circuit.
Whatever happened to free speech, George?...(Whoever said 'talk is cheap'? Depends who's
doing the talking, I suppose)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

great gossip = chatterbox office...

***********************************

My wife tells her friends
everything on the phone. Talk
about kiss and tel: 

***********************************












(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week the press wrote of forgeries by the 'Moriarty of Old Masters' costing
investors up to £200million. I think maybe now would be an appropriate time to
reveal myself as the self-appointed 'Moriarty of Facebook'. The big difference,
of course, is that my crimes are victimless. To date, I have forged well over 1,000
friendships, and to the best of my knowledge no-one seems to care one iota that
not one of them is genuine...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We cannot have sex on Sooty," said BBC Governor. Poor old Harry Corbett.
You couldn't blame him for wanting to keep his hand in...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We cannot have sex on Sooty," said BBC Governor. Why not? They're only
glove puppets, so nothing would have got out of hand...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taking cider vinegar can help reduce the risk of heart attacks and strokes (news
item). I always felt that these were two problems that needed a dressing...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Breathalyzer Doolittle...

**************************************

"mirror, signal, pass
the liquor - let's jump the lights
and see who's quicker"...

**************************************












(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being seen next to an ugly friend makes you look more attractive,
research has confirmed. "Why else," says my wife, "have I always
followed Tammy Wynette's advice to "Stand By Your Man?"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mediawatch-UK says that, when it comes to defining the word 'rude',
"Ofcom is remarkably out of touch with the viewing public". Roughly
translated, I think that means "F*** Ofcom"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If restaurants do reduce the size of their puddings (news item), will
their customers dessert them?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------