there's no smoke without fire(water)...

***************************************

An alcoholic?
Moi? - Rumours! (Nothing I can't
Scotch - on the rocks, please)

***************************************


(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Donald Trump's brain really is that large (news item),
can someone please lock him up in one of its many cells?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

the morning after...

****************************************

I was quite Brahms and
Liszt when I got home last night.
Now I'm just Lisztless...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, students are still into pot noodles. Only
now it's 'ditch the noodles, smoke the pot'...
--------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************

'The rich are on borrowed time,' warns Corbyn
(news item). Luckily for him, 'The Rich' don't
have a union - otherwise they'd be demanding
borrowed time and a half, I reckon...

*********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 26)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, Bill Cosby has been removed from TV's Hall of
Fame. I guess he's been moved to the Stuart Hall of Fame...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fastest televised 147: Ronnie O'Sullivan, 5 minutes, 20 seconds.
Slowest? Alastair Cook, 6 ½ hours over two days...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Russell Brand

***************************************

who is this 'rather
strange man', so fond of posting
'rather strange man'tras?...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spending a penny in the swimming pool is as ill-advised as
spending a fortune in the casino...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If it's true that you can judge a man by what he drinks, I'm
not sure what to make of seeing Jeremy Corbyn enjoy an
anti-Semillon the other day ("very funny, but not really usable,"
The Daily Mail tells me.) Not sure why???...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

on the count of three - draw!...

****************************************************

when cartoonists die,
they don't just stop drawing breath - they
stop drawing anything...

****************************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surely 'It's My Party (And I'll Cry If I Want To)' should now be added to
former Labour Home Secretary Alan Johnson's musical highlights list -
judging by how he views the Labour Party these days (Event magazine)...
(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, September 23)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Misogynoir': was there ever a more beautiful word for such a contemptible prejudice?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a proper church wedding...

****************************************

Your mum and I got
married before God, son. "Wow!
How long before, dad?"...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, you can reverse your diabetes if you have a fat-free
soup and shake every day (news item). "Really? What sort of
soup, and how long should I shake? More info, please!"...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************

Two minutes of exercise can be as good as
half an hour, apparently (news report).
"Not in our bed, it can't," my wife warns me...

*********************************************************

**************************************************************

Man flies to Poland on boy's passport (news item).
Why couldn't he use a plane, like the rest of us?...

**************************************************************

**************************************************************

As for Channel 4's new reality show 'The Circle',
I just don't get it. Probably because I'm a square...

**************************************************************

Cathay Pacific misspells own name (true news story)

*************************************

"Cathay Paciic? Where's
the 'f' in Pacific?" - "Hey,
watch your language, dad!"...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)

*****************************************************************

Good news, Quentin Letts: I hear they're making
a new Carry On film about a fictional budget airline.
Working title: Carry-On Luggage!...

*****************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 20)

**************************************************************

The reason Donald Trump's not much cop at golf?
Too many awkward lies. A bit like his Presidency...

**************************************************************

***********************************************************************

With friends like Harvey Weinstein, who needs en-Emmys?

***********************************************************************

Singapore Grand Prix, 2018...

***********************************************************

"A very fast lap" dancer and "an incredible pole"
dancer! Is there any better way for a dominant
Lewis Hamilton to celebrate his win?...

***********************************************************

Lucky Popeye!...

*****************************

Popeye's Olive Oyl
wasn't just a virgin, she
was extra virgin!...

*****************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What sort of student am I? Not so much a Waitrose 'rose harrisa'
student, more a good old-fashioned Tesco 'meat & potato stew'dent...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Strictly Come Dancing (putting the 'trot' into foxtrot)

***********************************************

That equine medication worked, then!
Apparently Susannah Constantine was
dancing like a carthorse in practice...

***********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 17)
--------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Venus Williams
and her sister? - Venus is serener...
--------------------------------------------------------

Nuts, seeds and pulses - or KFC?...

*************************************

Are kernels always
the healthy option? - "No, not
Kernel Sanders, son"...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Does a boss who fires you with enthusiasm have to give
you verbal and written warnings with enthusiasm first?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************

Whenever I'm sick, I call my doctor instantly.
Whenever I'm well, I call him Peter...

*******************************************************

**********************************************************

Boris and "Apples"? Really? At his age, Granny
Smith would be a far better match, methinks...

**********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 13)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
380,000 bank cards hacked from BA (news item). Not
so much a security breach, more an 'airline fracture?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

come out, come out, wherever you are...

**********************************************

"Look! Not a cloud in
the sky, dear" - "Where are they, then
mum? In the wardrobe?"...

**********************************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
'Universities have to protect free thinking,' says Minister
(news item). Free thinking, my arse - it costs me £9,250
a year to do my thinking at university!...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

she may be crotchety, but...

*******************************************

knit and natter groups
aren't for mum - she'd much rather
be sewing (her wild oats!)

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drivers to lose licence on the spot if they fail sight test (news item).
If you didn't see that coming - from 20 yards - that means you!...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a quiet night in - again!...

*****************************************

being single, a spare
room's great - it's good to have a
room to go spare in!...

*****************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
British and French fishermen in scallop wars! (news item) -
No shortage of live shells for use in combat, then...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************************

Well done for getting yourself back on the telly, Sooty
- though I'm sure puppeteer Richard Cadell had a hand
in it. (Or do I mean a hand in YOU?!, haha...)

*******************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 5)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Talking of puppetry, I tried my hand at it once. I was
rubbish. So I tried the other hand. Much better!...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Women certainly are the best drivers (news item).
My wife can drive me up the wall and round the bend
faster than any man I know!...
------------------------------------------------------------------

and the piano was drowned by the cello...

********************************

Abandon ship: The
Titanic. A band on ship:
they played till the end...

********************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
When 'economical with the truth' Roxanne Pallett
hits 50, will she claim that 50 hit her first?...
-------------------------------------------------------------

a dent? - yes, an acci-dent...

*********************************

I've just been in a
Minor accident - I bumped
into a Morris...

*********************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The difference between PENNIES and PENCE? Pennies
are very low-denomination coins used in the UK, and
Pence? Vice-President of the USA! Who knew?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A crayon doesn't have to be sharp to draw blood...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

a case of life imitating art (thought for the day)...

The Art of Living...
-----------------------------
a bit of fruit in
a bowl is still life - so is
a life with cancer...
-----------------------------


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A life with cancer is still life: you're 'living with' - not 'dying from'...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A life with cancer is still life - just as water without gas is still water...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

are they the ones on the black market?...

************************************

is my boyfriend a
racist when he says he hates
afrodisiacs?...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
We're told that pennies last, on average, for more than
40 years (news item). How times have changed. I can't
seem to get my salary to last more than 3 weeks!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

mirror, mirror, on the wall...

**************************************

Narcissists should take
a long hard look at themselves
in the mirror. Not!

**************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Is your billy goat a bit gruff? (news item). Yes, mine is.
He says he's tired of living in a nanny state. I was quite
surprised - not only can he talk, he tells jokes!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************

Now Trump's house of cards is about
to topple, is a certain Joe waiting in
the wings, just Biden his time?...

*********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 29)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't wait for Richard Dawkins' new book 'Atheism for Children'
to come out. I shall read it religiously - just to annoy him!...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(or the big hand might slap them, haha...)

*********************************************

Kids really should be able to tell the
time by 6. Or at least by 6:30...

*********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 28)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can people's NDA be to blame for their dyslexai? Just a thuoght.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Cheat' fly-half Danny Cipriani should try moving to the front
row of the scrum. A physical relationship with a hooker might
come easier to him than an emotional one with a girlfriend...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************

Peter Hitchen is right about the metrication of
Britain. As for me, as soon as the Metropolitan
Police headquarters gets re-named New Scotland
0.9144 metres, I'm off!...

************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 26)
---------------------------------------------------------
Our library's just opened a vegetarian section -
nothing by Lamb or Bacon...
---------------------------------------------------------

a reassuring sight...

*****************************

a lifeboatman's role
is to re-ashore those in
peril on the sea...

*****************************



('RNLI: a re-ashoring presence to those in peril at sea': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you know what I'll miss most?" asked the retired
press photographer. I took a punt: "the cameraderie?"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

********************************************

The very idea of adding wood to my
diet goes against the grain (Mail)...

********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 24)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
When an alarm clock's set, you know when it'll go off - when
a jelly's set, you've NO idea when it'll go off. Anyway, it's
always eaten long before then...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do hospitals with pubs nearby have more inn-patients? (Mail)...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just as well I never went off the rails. Right, mum?...

*******************************

I love driving rain.
Always knew I wanted to
be a rain driver...

*******************************



You don't even need a licence...
----------------------------------------------
I love driving rain -
though finding the right gear's quite
hard. Rain gear, I mean...
----------------------------------------------



(17 Syllables x 2)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Stanley & Boris Johnson: 'like father, like son'. Oops,
sorry. 'Like father, not too keen on son' is what I meant...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

the sweet course is always the best course!...

******************************************************************

I've just applied for the 'bakery and patisserie
technology' course at University College, Birmingham.
Should be a piece of cake...

******************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 17)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cliff Richard a committed Christian? (Mail). After two years in
limbo, I bet he thanks God he wasn't committed - for anything!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************************

do the various foodstuffs hurled over jail walls for the
inmates to feast on have a cell-by date? (Mail)...

******************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 16)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Gerry Adams is publishing a cook book? If British justice ever
gets the chance to throw the book at him, let's hope it's this one...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************

Never trust Hawaiians - their
ii's are far too close together...

**************************************



You should never trust
Hawaiians - their iis are far
too close together...(17 Rather Sillybles)



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 15)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Fancy going somewhere nice and cool this summer? -
Try the British aisles - the chilled supermarket ones!...
-------------------------------------------------------------------