but hey, the box it comes in could be...

*******************************

A pizza's round, a 

slice triangular- NO WAY

is it a square meal...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------

Xmas money-saving tips (contd.)...

---------------------------------------------------------------

If you can't afford a massive turkey this year, why

not watch one, instead? I recommend 'Did You Hear 

About the Morgans' with Hugh Grant. Sorry, Hugh...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Johnny's Depplorable advert...

-------------------------------------

'Aftershave advert causes quite a stink'. Hardly 

the sort of headline Dior were after, exactly...

------------------------------------------------------------

A torch in her face every 15 minutes? Is that a 

detention centre Ghislaine Maxwell's in - or a 

torcher chamber?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Why does 'The Crown' choose to so badly 

misrepresent the Duke of Edinburgh? Especially

now, when the Queen could do with a bit of a Fillip.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know much about art, but I know what I'm married to...

**********************************

My darling wife's as

pretty as a picture. "The

Scream," by Edvard Munch...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Covid guidelines...

-----------------------

Weird, or what? This year I'm told I can't play

Scrabble at Xmas - last year I was told I couldn't

play Xmas at Scrabble! (It's not in the Scrabble 

dictionary, aparently)

-----------------------------------------------------------

No board games at Christmas this year? Shame. 

I got bored playing it last year, but I got it on a

triple word score and won the game! Highlight

of the holiday!...

-----------------------------------------------------------

No Scrabble this year? Bugger! But at least we

can have turkey and all the trimmings - a 

24-square meal fit for a ***king **** *****! 

(aka 'an effing sore loser')

-----------------------------------------------------------

whatever it is, it's been cured...

*********************************

What do you save if

you save a vegan's life? Not

their bacon, surely?...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Donald Trump probably saw himself as the Terminator.

Doesn't seem too keen on being a 'Single Term'inator...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Trump was always accusing Biden of having a bunker

mentality. If he hates bunkers that much, why spend so

much time in them on the golf course? Hypocrisy?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Below par in the Oval Office, above par on the golf

course - how much better would Trump's presidency

have been had it been the other way round?... 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

#DiaperDon - King of the North American incontinent...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The route of all evil ---> (closed for repairs)

************************************************************

Great news! The Government's going to plough 

loadsamoney into infrastructure, apparently. 

And yippee, the road to ruin's going to be one of 

the first to be resurfaced!...

************************************************************

-----------------------------------------------------

It's as if they knew: the less tax you pay, the 

longer HMRC takes to pick up the phone. 

Just to tax you that little bit more...

-----------------------------------------------------

PRETTY POLLYTECHNIC - where students learn things parrot-fashion...

-----------------------------------

"DO NOT ENTER"TAINMENT - our theatres are closed...

-----------------------------------

BEAU-TfL - my Freedom Pass!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Any truth in the rumour #DiaperDon wants to take over

the already sh***y Incontinental Hotels?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Bring on the Covid slay bells!...

**********************************

We're all wanting a

Christmas to die for. And

this year we just might!...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

Diego Maradona, RIP...

-----------------------------

We mourn your passing. But not your heading

or dribbling - that was pretty good. RIP and

God speed, Diego...

---------------------------------------------------------

Newspapers say drinking cocoa will make me 

smarter. I sure hope so, I made a right Horlicks 

of my exams last week...

---------------------------------------------------------

HANDKERMINION - underling who works for 

handkerchief...

---------------------------------------------------------

Once you've heard it, you can never UNhear it!...

********************************************

Abe Lincoln's back in

the White House! "Good luck in your

new job,  A. Blinken!"...

*********************************************

('US Secretary of state, Antony Blinken': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Tiers of a clown (Boris, to you) - they're getting tougher:

-------------------------------- o -----------------------------------

No wonder business chiefs are calling the Conservatives

the 'purgaTory Party'...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Fox, duck, goose, turkey, bird...

--------------------------------------

Fox Channel's (lame)duck golden goose pardons turkey

as world gives him the bird. Seems the White House has

turned into a petting zoo...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Poetic justice...

************************************************************

Notice to thieves: if you leave a message in an

empty safe saying "you've been screwed", you 

can hardly complain if the cops later come along

and say "you've been nailed"...

************************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------

Did I hear right? The Archbishop of Canterbury is to

take a three-month Abbatical to study Swedish 

popular music?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Cyclists of the world, unite! "2 wheels good, 4 wheels 

bad!" as I'm sure George Orwell would have written 

had he still been alive...

------------------------------------------------------------------

If you tip a waiter too much, will he fall over? (asks 

the man who hates coarse jokes, but doesn't mind 

sweet-course ones)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Mrs laughter-dinner speaker...

***********************************

it's murder being a

female comic - better make

that (wo)manslaughter... 

***********************************

-------------------------------------------------------

If Boris is pants, does Carrie wear the 

trousers?...

-------------------------------------------------------

How can you say being a comedian's murder?

As far as I could see, no-one came CLOSE to

dying of laughter during your set...

-------------------------------------------------------

White Hose leaks confirm 'Sleepy Joe' will 

be more than grateful to have Dr Faucet on 

tap still. Hose? Leaks? Faucet? Tap? It's 

Watergate all over again!...

-------------------------------------------------------

NE1 KNO?

***************************

When will the vaccine

be Maida Vailable to

my mum in N6?...

***************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Politicians tend to call a spad a spad. Me, I prefer 

the term 'special adviser'...

-------------------------------------------------------------

No wonder Boris let Priti Patel off the hook. It's

what fish huggers do...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Does equal opportunity mean there'll be just as

many 'womenial' jobs as 'menial' ones in future?...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Ironic, or what? I hear Prince Charles hates a

certain Netflix royal drama so much, he wants to

Crown the producers. I imagine that's not quite 

the same as a knighthood...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Only use very well-red onions [sic - if you eat too much]

***********************************************

TARAMASALATA has 6 straight 'A's! 

That's 6 more than the average Trump 

supporter, I would suggest. Food for 

thought? Or thoughtful food?...

***********************************************

Vaccine rollout plan...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Presumably the local vaccination centre's going to 

be known as the Jabcentre Plus?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Wokeness gone mad...

---------------------------

According to the BBC, will the Lord's Prayer now 

have to end "...for thine is the kingdom, the power 

and the glory, for ever and ever. Apeople."?...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Come the 'green revolution', I doubt we'll be seeing

much of Vin Diesel...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 23)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

President Trump's advisers: "74,000,000 votes, sir! 

Your numbers are up!" The American people: 

"74,000.000 votes, pal! Your number's up!" No 

wonder he's confused...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Labour leader withdraws whip from Corbyn...

****************************************************

Bumped into Jeremy Corbyn yesterday. 

He did seem to be in need of a bit of TLK. 

Tender loving Keir...

****************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAY KEIR CENTRE - House of Commons.

TENDER LOVING KEIR - opposition leader's softer side.

KEIRLESS - leaderless Labour Party.

INTENSIVE KEIR - opposition leader grills the PM.

KEIRWORN - suit once owned by opposition leader.

HEALTH KEIR CENTRE - opposition leader's bathroom cabinet.

CHILD KEIR - I want to be PM when I grow up.

====================================================

BLEAK HOUSE - the White House till inauguration day...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The easier it is to pull on your trackie bottoms, the harder it

is to pull off the look...(V. Hefter, Daily Mail, November 19)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Keep your hair (dye) on, Rudy!...

----------------------------------------

Talk about a 'heated' press conference! Could it possibly be 

Rudy Giuliani's hair dye was running...for office? That really

would leave America browned off. Not sure which shade, 

mind...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

wow, it's worse than I thought (2)...

***************************************

"My dad's crazy!" - "Why? 

Does he hear voices in his 

head?" - "No, he smells them"... 

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Will Jab Centres offer hope to the unemployed next

year? It'll take a lot of people to help vaccinate the

entire population...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Emma Thompson says she would rather stare at a 

table for two hours than have sex sometimes. Men, 

on the other hand, after staring at a table for two 

hours, would probably try to lay it...

---------------------------------------------------------------

when the ground's both hot and coal'd, haha...

**************************************************

Firewalkers are by far the worst climate 

change offenders - dirty great big carbon 

footprints all over the bloody shop!...

**************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 18)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Heading a dementia taskforce will be a good deal 

safer than heading a football. At least now the world's 

waking up to the fact...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I bet my brother that Nigella Lawson's way of spreading

butter's no better than the conventional way. He wasn't

interested - he says he's not into spread betting...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I hear Dominic Cummings is now a cartoon stripper?

Has he joined the Chippendales?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

the funny bone...

***************************************************

Of course women can be comics! My 

sister's a comedian and most of her jokes 

are close to the bone - but it's always  

the humerus, haha...

***************************************************

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

New vaccine 95% effective! Outgoing US President 95% 

INeffective! Talk about perfect symmetry!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"These great discoveries all took place on my watch,"

crows Donald Trump. "Which just happens to be a Rolex," 

he can't resist adding. Seems he just can't help himself...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Princess Camilla, the well-connected haiku...

*************************

Princess Camilla

Crociani de Bourbon

des Deux Siciles...

*************************

Is there anyone else on this planet whose name forms

a perfect haiku? Pretty niche, I know, but for those of 

us who haven't got a life, it's like...YIPPEE! 😂

(17 Syllables)

wow, it's worse than I thought...

**********************************

My dad's crazy. "Does

he hear voices in his head?" 

No, in his elbow...

**********************************

-------------------------------------------------------

Given America's lax gun laws, it's a bit scary

to think of Trump supporters being able to 

wander around witrh loaded MAGAzines...

-------------------------------------------------------

Never mind news networks and social media

companies, maybe Trump should think about 

starting his very own MAGAzine?...

-------------------------------------------------------

Will a Boris shorn of Cummings have his 

shortCummings exposed?...

-------------------------------------------------------

Keep Calm and (a right old) Carrie On...as

Ms Symonds goes nuts, crackers and bananas! 

Who knew she was a vegan!?...

--------------------------------------------------------

Eat more deer and save British woodlands!...

***********************************

I LOVE deer meet - but

where can I find a merchant 

of venison, pray?...

***********************************

('With apologies to the Bard': 17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Mussolini Trumpolini...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Now that Trump refers to himself as Fox's 'golden goose', 

how soon before he starts golden goose-stepping?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Not sure which is the more impressive: the total amount

of Covid-19 fitting on a spoon (news item), or the whole

of mankind sitting on a knife edge? Coronavirus and 

global warming seem intent on trying to outdo each other.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Off-White House...

*******************************************

"Now Trump's leaving, would

you say he's left his mark?" - "More

of a stain, I'd say"...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

A ban on junk food advertising on the internet?

I hope that includes spam...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 16)

----------------------------------------------------------

If Johnny Depp's being paid £8million to not 

appear in Fantastic Beasts, how much will they

pay me to not go and see it?...

----------------------------------------------------------

argumenta-tiff...

*****************************************

haikus are very 

divisive..."no, they're not!"...yes,

they are..."no, they're not!"...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

When Donald Trump describes someone as 'highly

respected', you cannot help but wonder 'by whom'?

--------------------------------------------------------------

Why only three verses? How fitting would it have 

been had the Poet Laureate's tribute to the many 

unknown fallen warriors gone on...anon...anon...

anon...anon...anon...anon...anon...anon...anon..

--------------------------------------------------------------

When speaking to couturier king David Emanuel

what is the correct form of a dress, haha...

--------------------------------------------------------------

'Loads 'n' loads of cash'mere...

****************************************************************

Seems to me Prince Charles's idea of 'fast fashion' is

clothing you have to fast at least a year for till you

can afford to buy it!...

****************************************************************

-------------------------------------------------------------------

It's pretty clear Prince Charles's 'loads 'n' loads of cash'

mere fashion range isn't targeting the impecunious!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Joe Biden's a very divisive man, too, you know"...

"no, he's not!"..."yes, he is"..."no, he's not!"..."yes,

he is"..."no, he's not!"..."yes, he is"...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTRIBUTE ACT - Pfizer pretend their recent success

is all down to Donald Trump. But they can't keep it up.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Trump...

----------

It's hard to judge a man by his friends when he doesn't 

have any. Just sycophants...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

THANKS A LOTTERY - I've just won a tenner!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

EGGSIT STRATEGY - keep it warm till chick hatches...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

At least their humour won't be infectious...

************************************************************

Chris Whitty & Patrick Vallance - The Two 

Ronnies of Doom? Sounds like their job's to 

make sure we don't die - of Covid OR laughter!...

************************************************************

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Is that all you've got, Donald?...

---------------------------------------

A loose cannon with no ammunition can still be fired.

America has spoken...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Donald Trump was always going to be a Marmite

politician. Sometimes spreading yourself too thinly's

not always a bad thing...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

If President Trump & Melania had had a couple of 

dogs in the White House, as the Bidens are about to 

have, he'd probably have romped home. Missed out 

on all the dog lovers - basic error. Stable genius? 

Brainless, more like. "Here, boy"...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A marriage made in heaven knows where...

*****************************************************************

Are Donald and Melania close enough to finish each 

others' sentences? If so, will Melania do the last few 

years of Donald's probable 10-year one?...

*****************************************************************

-----------------------------------------------------------------

What are the chances of there being a Donald Trump

presidential library? If so, will it provide crayons for

visitors to do the colouring-in?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

When you're number's up, you're number's up - even

if, at over 70,000,000, it's WELL up! Sorry, and all 

that, Donald, old boy...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

How confused is America? Trying to fire a loose cannon 

by giving it the bullet was always going to be a struggle...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

JAB A WOCKY? - sure, but jab the elderly and care 

workers first... (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 24)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

CAPABILITY RED, ORANGE, YELLOW, GREEN, BLUE, INDIGO

 & VIOLET - LGBTQ landscape gardeners to the stars.

(Great, great, great, great grandchildren of Brown)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

marriage guidance...

********************************

you can only heal 

a relationship once you've 

got rid of the heel...

********************************

('You calling me a heel?': 17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------

CUL-DE-SACK - fired from a dead-end job...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Instead of conceding to Joe Biden, President Trump

played golf all weekend. Pretty much par from the 

course (which I doubt he's ever managed when playing)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

My neighbour claims to be President Trump's second

cousin twice removed - once from the White House 

and once from Trump Towers. The same as the Donald 

probably will be...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Do as you would be done by, Donald. Anyway, it looks

like you'll be done by Jan 20, whatever you do.

Inauguration Day, right?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Bye-bye, Trump!...

It's a P45 for the P45!...

*******************************************************

Some people thought Donald Trump was the

best thing since sliced bread. I wonder what

they think now he's toast?...

(I'll resist the 'brown bread' jokes)

*******************************************************

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I hear Trump's courting the Democrats. Who'd have 

thought it? District courts, city courts, circuit courts,

you name it. Hell hath no fury like a Donald scorned...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Will Donald Trump's 'go to war'drobe soon consist of

nothing but law suits? (Until his nearest and dearest 

decide to club together for the odd straitjacket)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Lockdown (2): home sweet home brew...

********************************************************

The Quiet Night Inn isn't that bad, but it's

never going to be my favourite watering hole, 

to be honest. Not too keen on the landlord...

********************************************************

Right <-----------------> Wrong

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's Trump doing right now? Er, nothing. What's he doing

wrong now? Everything. Who'd have thought it? Er, everyone...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hear Trump's taken up cooking. He's probably stewing in the 

White House as we speak...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************

I wonder how many of the lawsuits currently 

being filed by Donald Trump will be end up 

being dismissed in a sentence - to be served 

by the plaintiff when he leaves office...

*******************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Block Head of State': not so much an insult, more an 

instruction to Twitter's overseers...(@realDonaldTrump)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'ICEBERG SPELLS DISASTER FOR PENGUINS', read the

newspaper headline. Wow, that's some intelligent iceberg. 

But I bet it can't spell chiwawa chihuahua for me!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

103% of Americans canvassed thought pollsters got the US

presidential election predictions 100% right, latest poll shows...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'From this house to the White House'...Oops?

**********************************************************

Seems the writing's well and truly on the wall 

for Joe Biden. Such a shame, as it's the wall of 

his childhood home and he wrote it himself...

(Good news! I could be wrong! Biden might yet win!)

**********************************************************

---------------------------------------------------------

Maybe they should have called Joe Biden's

campaign bus the 'blunder'buss. Loaded (as it

now seems to be turning out) with a candidate

who simply made too many, er, blunders...

---------------------------------------------------------

When (if?) he wins, will 'Sleepy Joe' still be 

carted round in what they call 'The Beast', or 

will it be renamed 'The Somnambulance'?...

---------------------------------------------------------

"STOP THE COUNT" is trending. "STOP
THE C(O)UNT" would be more appropriate...

How soon before Trump becomes history?...

---------------------------------------------------------

Marcus Rashford...

***************************************************************

Boris Johnson, Maggie Thatcher, Ted Heath...

they've all had their problems with strikers. The 

only difference being that this one happens to be a

particularly good one who plays for Man United...

***************************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------

When it comes to intelligence, blood is thicker

than water and platinum's denser than gold. But

hey, at least the sun's fairly bright!...

------------------------------------------------------------

If the seriously litigious Johnny Depp ever courts 

a woman again, I wonder which court it'll be?...

------------------------------------------------------------

Pan(ason)ic buying: I've just bought five TVs

and two cameras! You can't be too careful!...

-------------------------------------------------------

kicking the can a good 2 inches down the road...

**************************************

a month-long lockdown

makes about as much sense as, 

well, an ob-long one...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

Nearly every time he speaks, Trump turns the air 

blue. And quite a few states, too, if the polls are 

to be believed. Here's hoping...

------------------------------------------------------------

'Out to pasture'? What does that mean? 'Well

pasture best', presumably. (Strictly's Craig revels

in controversy yet again)

------------------------------------------------------------

ATENDANCE - a 'Strictly' dance scoring 3 better 

than one of Len Goodman's iconic '7's...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 3)

------------------------------------------------------------

Turns out Heard immunity doesn't work in court

for certain Hollywood actors...

------------------------------------------------------------

The Anagrammys...

*************************************************

Some pop stars haven't made the charts 

since Covid reached our shores - seems 

the virus scared the hits out of 'em!...

*************************************************

"That's a sh*t anagram!" - "No, it's not. I think it's quite good"...

---------------------------------------------------------------

"No man is an island, but some of us are clusters," 

(declares Archie Pelago)

---------------------------------------------------------------

If Trump had his way, every American would live

in a red state, and every book would remain in an

unread one. Unless it happened to sing his praises,

of course...

---------------------------------------------------------------

What's the betting the late Sean Connery's now

hoping 'You Only Live Twice' is a statement of fact?

---------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson finds a magic lamp. "I grant you three

Rishis," says the genie. "Great!" says Boris, "they

can replace Matt, Michael and Dominic"...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Not a job many would relish, I reckon...

***********************************

Yes, Donald Trump may

have recovered from Covid -

but he's still got aides...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------

If Christians worship in church, do sinners 

worship in sinnergogues? Er, no...but maybe 

anti-Semitic Labour Party members should...

-------------------------------------------------------

The Great Fox-Spider has been rediscovered

in the UK, apparently. Bloody hell, first 

Covid-19, now Arachnid-20. Whatever next?

-------------------------------------------------------