It's what I do...

**************************************

As I sat down to

watch paint dry, I put on a

new coat. Watched that, too...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

Spreading the joy! (?)...

************************************

A trouble shared is

a trouble halved. The reverse

applies to haiku...

************************************

(By putting this one

out there, I'm sure I'll attract

the odd troll or two...)

(17 Syllables)

Doh! (re mi...?)

**********************************

I'd like to end on

a positive note, and I

think I've found the one: 🎵

**********************************

(The musical note

here is silent, just like the

in 'c' in 'indictment')

(17 Syllables) 

There's always the local charity shop...

**********************************

I've so much love, but

nowhere to put it - should I 

just give it away?...

**********************************

(nowhere to put it? -

here's an idea: why not get

yourself a tallboy?)

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

According to my gardening manual, Boots did the right

thing by lopping off a few of its branches just before the

onset of winter... (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Dec. 28)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Life, eh?...

***********************************

I've lived, I've loved, shared 

a whisky and tears  - and it's

still only Tuesday...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

patience is a virtue...

*********************************

as taking offence 

becomes the hobby for all,

laughter waits its turn...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

Gotcha!...

**********************************

I had a chance to

play the trumpet today, but

I blew it.............LOUDLY!

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

I should have tucked it under the saddle...

******************************

I put a fiver

on a horse today - but it

blew off in the wind...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

Even though there's no profit in a haiku?

****************************************

In haiku, as in

business, what it comes down to

is the bottom line...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

News item in the papers today...

**************************************

John Cleese claims to have

killed a man. "Was it murder...

or mans laughter, John?"

**************************************

(He died of laughter in the audience, allegedly)

(17 Syllables)

***************************************

Living within a

stone's throw of anything's quite risky these days. Thugs.

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

If found to have committed a crime, could Baroness Mone

end up behind bras?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 21)

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, December 24)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The wrong shade of white...

******************************

My wife's wanting a

divorce. Apparently, I

don't match the decor...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

[E] [G] [G] [S]

**************************************************

Scrabbled eggs: they're more

than just a square meal, they're a 

SQUARE, SQUARE, SQUARE, SQUARE one!

**************************************************

(17 Syllables)

a fish supper...

***************************************

"where should I pour the

tartare butter sauce, luv?" - "all

over the plaice, dear"...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

Whatever it was, it must have been pretty bad...

*******************************

If we're getting the

politicians we deserve, 

what did we do wrong?...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

I'm beginning to feel like one - or is it arthritis?...

**********************************

How old must you be

before you can call yourself

an elder statesman?...

**********************************

A perfect match...

*************************************

My better half? It's 

the SECOND half - it's then that

I normally score...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

I want this one done by tea, please...

*********************************

I don't write these things

myself. The butler does. It

saves me so much time...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I bet chicken feet taste fowl (edited from I'm a Celeb observation)

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 14)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Variety? It ain't the spice of MY life!...

*********************************

Pork chops? AGAIN? My

wife should be on the telly.

Nothing but repeats!...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

Samantha Barks - IMDb....

***************************************

You sing louder than

our dog barks! - (but not better

than Samantha Barks)

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

Three score years and tennis...

*******************************

The older I get,

the older I WANT to get -

no point stopping now!...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

A pencil dress that needs no sharpening...

******************************************

Do blunt people wear

sharp clothes to make up for their

inadequacies?...

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

Covid-19 inquiry...

-------------------------------------

Well-bread PM to

be grilled on Monday. Sure to

be toast by Tuesday?...

--------------------------------------

Do tents count?...

*******************************

Mansion, terrace, flat

or semi? - Is this REALLY

what we're defined by?...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

Though, ironically, this haiku has NO title...

*********************************

Never Say Di - she

was 'Diana, Princess of 

Wales', if you don't mind...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

The Six O'Clock News...

=============

Another bomb, three

girls scream. Pen in hand, cat on

lap, I watch. Involved.

---------- o ----------

MASSIVE blast, a house

destroyed. Pen in hand, cat on

lap...what price haiku?

---------- o ----------

Still life (but only just)

**************************************

Lucky the artist

who draws blood: all he has to

do is rub it out...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

good point - unnecessarily well made...

*********************************

a pencil doesn't

have to be that sharp if it

intends to draw blood...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

50 shades of red...

*****************************************

An artist who wants

to draw blood should first decide

on the right colour...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

autumnal silence...

---------- o ----------

a final leaf takes 

leave of the bough, and lays down

its life with a ssshhh... 🍃

---------- o ----------

a quiet, unheard by

others, yet louder still...than

those who shed no tears...

---------- o ----------

(17 Syllables...x 2)

=============================================================

PERFECT STRANGERS...

---------------------------------

Say hello to happiness by chatting to strangers, my newspaper tells me.

Tell you what, it works! Someone came up to me yesterday to complain

about the weather. "Do you always speak to strangers?" I asked.

"Only perfect ones," he replied. Best compliment I've had in years!

=============================================================

Marriage vows...

************************************

Did you just say "till

dawn do us part," pet? - I was

hoping for longer...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

"Well, that explains the inferiority complex," sighed my shrink...

********************************

I'm a humorous

haiku, me: just seventeen

rather sillybles...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

We've all been there, right?...

******************************************

Laugh? Tears were running

down my trousers! (At least, that's

what I told myself)

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

Once I looked good - now I look good and long...

--------- o ---------

"Not bad for eighty,"

reflected my mirror. Thing

is, I'm forty-two...

--------- o ---------

...seems I'm not as good

for MY age as I am for,

well...someone else's!

--------- o --------- 

***************************************

The weather reflects

my mood. Time to batten down

the hatches, people!...😡

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

********************************************

Britain's Got Talent?

Really? Then how come there's none

in the Cabinet?...

********************************************

(17 Syllables)

The Solomon Islands...

--------- o ---------

"Bullet, Mr?" asks

the shy young girl where once were

flowers on Bloody Ridge...

--------- o ---------

Was the sun as bright, 

the view so beautiful,

in 1942?...

--------- o ---------

Gullible's Travels, 1991 - 2001.

Masterchef elimination...

********************************

Was this the perfect

pasta dish? No. I'd made a

fusilli mistakes...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Dr Ellie, the pain in my gut is no more down to

IBS than my dislike of politics is down to IDS...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Bugger, her eyes are green!...

******************************************

"I've bought you a great

pair of blue earrings to match

your..." - "lips, when they're cold?"

******************************************

(17 Syllables)

a visitor...

*****************************

a bird alights on

my balcony, at home in

the concrete jungle...

*****************************

(17 Syllables)

Did the earth move?...

**********************************************

I've got so many

damned faults, I should have married

a seismologist...

**********************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Make love to a seismologist, and he'll be able to 

tell you exactly how much the earth moved!...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Or Rosemary?...

****************************************

When a transgender

criminal does thyme, should 'she'

do it with Basil?...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

Wine ot?...

*************************************************

"I'll never wear that

hearing aid!" - "Why not?" - "Yes, please.

Got any Merlot?"...

*************************************************

(17 Syllables)

Talk about hiding in plain sight!...

***********************************

how funny is it 

that the long arm of the law 

has a crook in it?

***********************************

(I can't think of a

much better example of

hiding in plain sight!)

(17 Syllables)

Albumen will be men...

***************************************

Those albumen who

are bad eggs, are doubtless egg

white supremacists...

***************************************

--------------------------------------

No feminist would

tolerate being under the yolk

of albumen...

--------------------------------------

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the colour-blind become very angry, what colour do they see?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************************************

Poetry's easy (though

I struggle with levity)

But I hope this'll show

That one thing I don't have a problem with is the concept of brevity.

************************************************************************************

I took a course in poetry,

But found it rather hard...

(Though rhythm's not a problem,

What on EARTH can rhyme with 'hard'?)

**********************************************

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tell a blue joke to the colour-blind and you'll probably get away with it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Japanese Kobe beef from £500 - £900! (true story)

*******************************

£900 steaks

are quite rare. Luckily, I

prefer mine well-done...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

What colour are the white lies told by the colour-blind?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A White House leak? No. He's no longer IN the White House...

******************************

Donald Trum_? He tried

so hard to smile today, a

little p came out...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Can bishops address problems in their diocese head-on, or 

do they have to go about it diagonally?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cheers, Sir David (fellow Richmond resident)

************************************************

Not much that I've seen on TV

Is better than Planet Earth Three.

I just can't get enough

Of the wonderful stuff

That's found both on land and at sea...

************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sacking Suella, and I'll tel: her myself, said Rishi, 'bravely'...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One letter can make a word of difference...

****************************************

"I put my horse out

to grass yesterday." - "What! You

put it to the sward?"... 

****************************************

PUT TO THE SWARD - put out to grass...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 23)

(17 Syllables)

(A bit of a dick)tionary definitions...

*******************************

Is a detractor

someone who disparages

farm machinery?...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

Pro-Palestine march...

******************************************

'SHOULD MARCH BE BANNED?' read

the headline. Yes! And so should

April, May and June...

******************************************

Come to think of it,

why not ban all the other

months? (Exceptember!)

(True story, seen in paper two days ago: 17 Syllables)

Rishi Sunak / Suella Braverman...

*****************************

It takes a braver

man than the PM to get

rid of Suella!...

*****************************

(17 Syllables)

DAME Priti Patel? Hmm...

*********************************

There is nothing like

a dame, and it's true: Priti

IS nothing like one...

*********************************

(17 syllables)

In praise of sport...

***************************************************

Thank God for the existence of sport

When events in the world are so fraught -

A blessed relief

From the pain and the grief,

And the chance to let rip on a court.

***************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Lifestyle choice"? The only reason the homeless DON'T hit the 

roof when hearing of Suella Braverman's heartless comments is 

that, as the name implies, they don't have a bloody roof to hit...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No Know, Nanette...

**************************************

A LITTLE LEDGE IS
A DANGEROUS THING - will you

please climb back inside!...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Nuke Gaza? You'd have to be A Blinken idiot to take Israel's 

heritage minister's suggestion seriously. And I don't believe 

the U.S. Secretary of State is...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

No need to canvass the under canvas to find out what the 

tent-sleeping homeless feel about Suella Braverman's 'lifestyle

choice' comments. I would have thought it's fairly obvious...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sleeping rough a lifestyle choice? Any wonder many people 

less fortunate than herself share an IN TENTS DISLIKE of our

current Home Secretary?... #TheHomeless

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Winging it...

************************************

What do parrots with

an identity crisis

speak? - "Pidgeon English?"...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

RAIN OF TERRA - oh dear, it looks like it's beginning terrain...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

......             BLACK OLIVES MATTER

        -------------------------------------------------------

                  

                  You can't make a salad without 'em.

                         

                       Well, not a Greek one, anyway.

No wonder business is slow...

********************************************** 

Sale: MOBILITY

SCOOTERS GOING FAST! - "Oh dear, I

need one that doesn't"...

**********************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOBILITY SCOOTERS - mobility scooters for the aristocracy?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Damn! and blast' furnaces...

***********************************

My boss fired me when

I smelt a rat. Seems I should

have been smelting steel...

***********************************

(No rodents were harmed in the making of this 3-liner)

(17 Syllables)

Some are even called Stella...

***********************************

Working behind a

bar's great. I pull ever night.

Pints, mainly. And halves...

*********************************** 

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TIKTOXIC MASCULINITY - the bane of many a girl's social media life.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Should plaice kickers be reported to the RSPCA?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Same again?" asked the barman...

*************************************

When I pull, I like

to give head. For what good is

a pint without one?...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A night in shining armour's not nearly as comfy as sleeping in pyjamas.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bar work's great for aesthetically-challenged young men. 

Where else can you pull every night? (Even if it is only pints.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Job-specific headgear...

**************************************

What does a meter

reader wear on his head? - "An

energy price cap?"...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

SIZEMOLOGISTS - they tell you how BIG the quakes were...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Donald Trump doesn't have ONE golf course in the top ten of Golf Magazine's World

Top 100 courses, 2023. All part of a fascist plot by radical left Democrats, presumably? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Touched by angels. Inappropriately...

************************************

"Hear, hear," muttered my

guardian angels. "And maybe

here." A bit naughty?...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

I think, therefore I am...

*************************************

I'm not so much a

deep thinker, more a tall one.

Six ft two. I think.

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

Ooh aah, Cantona...

*********************************************

So Cantona's now getting his 'kicks'

By singing and playing a few licks?...

It's all quite enthralling

(And might be appalling)

But I'm hoping he'll knock us for six!

*********************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where are those Weapons of Hamas Destruction when you need them? The

ones that eliminate only terrorists, with NO collateral damage whatsoever...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Asleep at the wheel...

**************************************************************

Me beat Verstappen?

I doubt it'll happen...

As a driver he's incredibly fast.

(And sadly, it seems,

He's the same in my dreams,

Where I'm always a MAGNIFICENT................last)

**************************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We're now being told that the moon is around 40m years older than previously 

thought, at 4.46 billion years old. I have to say, it sure looks good for its age...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If bad grammar can affect a language lover's heart rate (news item), can bad 

punctuation affect the colon?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Annual conferences, perennial plants....

******************************

A Labour Party

coniference? Is that one

that's held in Cypress?...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(KEIR) HARDIE PERENNIALS - mostly found in a Labour activist's garden.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I run, I'm in my (chemical) element...

*******************************

Running a Pb

in the marathon, my legs

really felt like lead!...

*******************************

(Atomic number (82): 17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not long after Trump realises that U.S. is the same as 'us', he discovers

the 'you' in U.S.A., and suddenly everything makes sense...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

More GBH than GB News...

*************************************************

Now neither can be seen on 'the Box',

It's 'Auf Wiedersehen', Wootton and Fox.

After words rather hateful

They both should be grateful

We no longer resort to the stocks... 

#DanWooton #LaurenceFox

*************************************************

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The best way to make sure you're always in your happy place

is to make sure the happy place is always within you...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

See: theanthologyofverse.blogspot.com

***********************************

The largest ant is

the elephANT. The smallest,

insignificant... 

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We've decided to call our daughter Babet. I thought my parents would

hate the name, but it's gone down a storm... #StormBabet

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mum says I'm the the imposter boy for imposter syndrome sufferers. But,

to be honest, I don't think I'm worthy...

My mum says I'm the the poster boy for imposter syndrome sufferers. But,

to be honest, I don't think I'm worthy..

(Not sure which is best!)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Give me own-brand baked beans any time. Paying £4 is for the half-baked...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chocolate cake (size 9)

*****************************************

"Wow, this cakes is as

tough as old boots!" - Sh*t. I must

have used shoe pastry...

*****************************************

('Choux pastry': 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

FUCK TRUMP. No reason. Just makes me feel better.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Awa's Cakery, Gambia's finest...

*****************************************

There can't be many

things in life that aren't improved

by a Battenberg...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

A LAGER & LIMErick...

**************************************************************

How dark are these days for the Tories?

Long gone are the years of old glories...

For now, without doubt,

They're on their way out

(I just hope they've been shown where the door is)

**************************************************************

Another little nugget...

********************************

Digging can make you

filthy. Digging for gold can

make you filthy rich...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Air traffic staff working from home? Bloody hell!

I hope they at least left the landing lights on...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Great Expectations...

****************************************

My buxom date's from

London. "Feltham?" No, not yet -

but I hope to soon...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wonder what environmental activist Greta Thunberg thinks 

about Werther's Original. Is old fossil fuel still acceptable?

They sure keep this old fossil going!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Underneath this hard exterior...

**************************************

I'm tough, me. I can

hold my own (though I'd rather

hold someone else's.)

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A battle-hardened softie is someone who can hold his own

all right, but would much rather hold someone else's...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

ALL OVER THE PLAICE - where to pour the tartare butter sauce.

MY PLAICE OR YOURS? - whose is that BIG piece?

TAKE THE PLAICE OF - pinch someone else's fillet.

PLAICE NAMES - Alaskan and scale-eye, to name but two.

PLAICE KICKER - report him to the RSPCA!

TAKING PLAICE - it's called theft, if you don't pay.

A PLAICE OF MY OWN - I'm not sharing mine, OK?

HIDING PLAICE - the one that doesn't want to be caught.

A PLAICE IN THE SUN - quick, throw it back in!

DECIMAL PLAICE - I can't eat all mine, do you want 0.53 of it?

IN PLAICE OF - makes a great alternative to cod.

PLAICE OF SAFETY - don't worry, it's been filleted.

EATING PLAICE - what are you doing, dad?     (fish restaurant?)

MY HAPPY PLAICE - the one I threw back.

PRIDE OF PLAICE - mummy fish's small fry.

IN LAST PLAICE - the final fish joke.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 17)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spelling 'STOLEN' is a piece of cake. Not to be confused with 'STOLLEN',

which is more of an admittedly cake-like fruit bread. Isn't it about time

someone informed Donald Trump of the fact?...

-------------------------------------------------------------

In loo of veg...

************************************

When vegans take a 

pea or a leek, what on earth 

do carnivores take?...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Now Holly's said 'goodbye' to This Morning

(A programme she'd long been adorning)

Her fans are bereft

At the fact that she's left...

And my wife? Well, she's clearly in mourning...

------------------------------------------------------------- 

(And just wish that they'd had some more warning)

-------------------------------------------------------------

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 18)

At least it's not striking...

*********************************

Bugger! Our running

water's barely jogging. It's

as knackered as me! 

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WEAPONS OF HAMAS DESTRUCTION: beheading babies,

shooting children, burning families alive...is this how far humanity's 

come after how many years on earth? Shame on all of us...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, October 15) (Without the heading)

(Vincent Hefter, Irish Daily Mail, Ocober 19) (.........ditto.........)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's a minute steak, all right!...

***********************************

"I'll have the steak," I

said, "put it on the card." He

did. And it fitted.

***********************************

There's small, and there's minute...

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Do fledglings who haven't learnt how to fly just wing it?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

- and I told my hat to go on a head...

**********************************

TITFER TAT - when you

walk into a pound shop and

all their hats are crap...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Bernie Ecclestone had only £300million in a trust in Singapore,

I could understand how that might slip his mind.

But £400million? How d'you forget that?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 17)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scrabmled gegs...

**************************************

CHCIKNES for sale: great

for those who prefer their eggs

already scrambled...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

I prefer to bat at 6. Happy hour......

****************************** 

If I'm sent in to

bat at 2, chances are I'll 

be back by ten-past...

******************************

(It's a cricket thing: 17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My husband spends all the bloody time at the Oval and Stamford Bridge. Are

those famous enough grounds for divorce, or should I throw in Lords, as well?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've no idea what you're talking about...

*************************************

The best things in life

are free - but sometimes I do

have to pay for it...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

Don't say you weren't warned...

**************************************************

'Curiosity

killed the cat.' - "WHY'S THAT?" wondered

Tiddles. Her last words.

**************************************************

"Curiosity killed the cat," Penny the Poodle informed Tiddles.

"Why's that?" asked Tiddles.

Talk about famous last words!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 3: 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DOMINIC RAAC - cause of a prematurely disintegrated career revealed...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 10)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Weapons of Hamas Destruction: beheading babies, shooting children, burning

families alive? And people wonder why I love animals and struggle with humans.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not only are Labour taking the p*ss by vowing to scrap the Rwanda scheme

even if it works, they're doing so in gender-neutral toilets. Double whammy!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The unopened packet...

**************************************

'Tear along dotted

line'? - "Oh dear. I'm a tortoise.

We CAN'T tear along!"...

**************************************

Mummy tortoise saw the unopened packet. 'To open, tear across

dotted line,' it read. "Oh dear," she sighed, "I'm a tortoise. Tortoises

don't tear along anywhere. I'll have to wait for my human"...

(17 Syllables)

He's just going thru' a bad spel, mate...

*************************************

MALTED WEAT? Looks like

my son's made a right Horlicks

of his spelling bee...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A humble man may not know his haddock from his pollock, 

but he will always know his plaice...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 25)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

LUNCHPACK OF NOTRE-DAME - even bell-ringers have to eat...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

SHORN OF THE BREAD - lamb sandwich, filling only...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Is Ian Fleming? No, he's sleeping...

************************************************************************

"Yes, of course Q was well educated, Bond -

but I was obviously more so."

"How's that, sir?"

"Because Q only had 9 letters after his name: RSTUVWXYZ. 

I, however, had 17: JKLMNO, to name but a few"...

************************************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a sprinter can run a temperature in 3 mins and 53 seconds, 

how long would it take him to run a bath?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A gratuitous eye-liner. Or do I mean 4-liner?...

*****************************

Is it "Me and the Mrs"

(Or "My wife and I"?)

For me, it's the latter...

But I've no idea why.

*****************************

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did artist Jens Haaning have to repay the £58,000 he was given after

exhibiting only empty canvasses? I once went to a photographic exhibition 

where ever single photo had been taken by a thief. It was excellent...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sweet and savoury, just my type!...

************************************

It's quite hard to be

the salt of the earth if you're

really rather sweet...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------

COCA COAL - a drop of the hard stuff?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COCA COAL - the alternative black stuff (a non-alcoholic stout?)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I prefer relationships with no strings...

***********************************

Air guitar? That was

way too hard (so I've settled

on air maracas.)

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dropping a line from London to Devon ("Dear Granny") costs me

£1.25. Way too expensive, if you ask me. I wonder how much 

dropping a line from Birmingham to Manchester would cost?

'My job, perhaps?' thinks Rishi...     #HS2

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dogs at large - EXTRA large...

 ******************************

XL Bullies: is

it 'one size fits all', or do

they come in M?...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

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RISHFUL THINKING - PM predicts a Tory landslide...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 3)

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We miss you, Charlie Watts...

*****************************************

Why do Mick, Ronnie

and Keith look so thin? - "Because

they've all lost a Stone?"...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

NHS waiting lists...

*******************************************

Replacement hip or damaged wrist?

It's the NHS's waiting list...

And figures show

It'll only grow:

ANOTHER target Rishi's missed!

*******************************************

HUNTER BIDEN, by Sen. John Kennedy & Vincent Hefter...

**********************************

"At best he's a sleazebag,

At worst he's a thief"...

What he's given his father's

Just a sh*tload of grief.

**********************************

I'm pretty sure most Americans would prefer their President's offspring to be- law-abiden'.

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RED, WHITE & BLUEMERS - it's not her sleeve that my wife 

wears her love of country on!

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"You're Cheddar Gorgeous, luv," I said. But it didn't work. 

Turns out not all girls fall for cheesy chat-up lines...

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I've got an appointment to see a psychic next week, but 

she's just rung to tell me I won't be able to make it...

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