Mr Potato Head of State...

**********************************************

One indictment,

Two indictments,

Three indictments, four...

Five indictments,

Six indictments,

(D'you think there might be MORE?)

**********************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 8)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SADIQ KHAN: he's not exactly the Antichrist, but he is the Anti-Carn. #Ulez

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Charismatic Moron...

******************************************************

Me and my mum, we're delighted

That Trump once again's been indicted:

We both think, as one,

That it's going to be fun...

But the States? Well, they're NOT so United.

******************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The British Museum loses 2,000 treasures and Museum chairman George

Osborne loses his marbles. Bloody hell, not the Elgin ones, I hope?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Linda Evangelista once said she wouldn't get out of bed for less than 

$10,000 a day. So what did it take for Nadine Dorries to eventually get

out of Beds.? It certainly took her long enough. An utter incompetent...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We may not have had our very own Trump yet, but in Boris Johnson we 

did have a Trump-lite for a while. Half an oaf is better than none, I guess...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************

"I really missed you"

"I really missed you, too"

"I'm pretty sure one of us is lying"

"Well, it's not me"

"Bugger, then it must be me"...

*****************************************

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MAGALOMANIA - pathological egotism as exhibited by a certain ex-President.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 29)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry: another flying visit...

************************************************

Blood may be thicker than water,

(Just as Harry's way thicker than Wills)

But whenever his youngest pops over,

Tell Charlie to RUN FOR THE HILLS!...

************************************************

Liz Jones's Diary:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Liz tells David she has just seen Oppenheimer.

Him: 'Any good?'

Liz: 'It's long. Like your d**k.'

It has to be said, what writer wouldn't be attracted to a man with a long desk?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Duke of Sussex...

*********************************************

A prince with a shitload of flaws

Is shortly to land on our shores,

But he won't see his dad,

Which is all rather sad...

Whilst the stock of his brother........ 

*********************************************

# unfinishedlimerick #justsoars

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 30) ('whole lot' for 'shitload'!)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

British adults are glued to their phones for 30 hours each month,

apparently. That's almost as long as Just Stop Oil protestors are

glued to all manner of surfaces during the same period, I reckon...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quintidental Clinic (I heartily recommend it - and I'm not even on commission)

****************************************

"Strong tongue you've got there,"

said my dentist. "Yes," I said,

"it's been working out"...

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Does the £32 'Boris Johnson' Toby jug come complete with a 

handle you can fly off when you get booted out of office?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Greatest Of All Time?...

**************************************

Poor old Boris. He

wanted to be the GOAT. Turned

out to be an ass...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

Crhyme and 'Pun'ishment...

*******************************************

Yes, masochists like

to be strapped for cash - but would

they do it for free?...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"APPLES THAT IDENTIFY AS ORANGES ARE BANANAS!"

If that doesn't beat Edinburgh fringe's 'top joke', then 

my name's not (name and address supplied)...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 24)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

People who identify as pistachios are, by their own admission, nuts!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now Queen's Fat Bottomed Girls is being cancelled, will

Danny Boy be next? (London Derrière, by any other name)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Not even abstract artists can draw breath...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

We're all artists of sorts. Some of us are landscape artists,

of us are portrait artists, but what we all draw is breath...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

6 ft under...

**********************************

If you don't want to

bury St Edmunds, then why

not inter Milan?...

**********************************

(17 Rather Sillybles)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My favourite joke that I came up with this year is:

"Pistachios that identify as cashews are nuts," said the psychiatrist.

Beats this year's Edinburgh Fringe 'best joke' winner, I reckon...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Lionesses lost? Strike a light!...

*********************************

You lost a match? So 

what? I lost so many, I 

bought a damned lighter...

*********************************

Losing a match is

one thing, losing a whole box

is quite another...

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

If nothing else, the Lionesses proved one thing for sure: it's a

Dickens of a job living up to a country's Great Expectations...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Following the Lionesses' courageous run to the final, I reckon

the FA shouldn't appoint just any man as the next manager of

the England men's team, they should appoint a WIEGman...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please keep the noise (and your breakfast) down....

******************************************

"What do you call a

two-story building?" - "The world's

smallest library?"...

******************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 15: 17 Very Sillybles)

Volca"no-no-no!"...

*************************************

When I went to Mount

Etna today, she blew her 

top. "No chance," she yelled...

*************************************

(Stop Press: she's erupted again today (Aug 14): 17 Sillybles)

---------------------------------------------------

ZENOPHOBIA - a fear of inner peace...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 12)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

For the life of me, I couldn't work out what was wrong with

ITVX's period drama Sanditon. Then someone suggested 

checking under one of the bonnets...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Sit'com...

***************************************

When "fancy a drink,

mate?" becomes "do you need a 

chair?" you know you've aged...

***************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

PARASHOOTING - so that's why they're called air rifles?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Love is...

*****************************************

All hail THE APPLE OF MY

iPHONE - heaven knows how lost

I'd be without it!...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

No wonder my wife's jealous: my phone's not just ANY

old Apple iPhone, it's the Apple (of my i) Phone!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Rupert Murdoch: dating again at 92? Would that be

speed-dating, blind-dating or carbon-dating?...

(Well, he is a bit of an old fossil)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Bugger! (Putting the 'fat' into father)

******************************

In pursuit of a six-pack

I train and I train...

Then eat some éclairs

And start over again...😞

*********************************

In pursuit of a six-pack

I strain and I strain... Then eat some éclairs And start over again...

***********************************

(There's a further six verses,

But they all end the same... So he shouts at his mirror: "WHO THE HECK CAN I BLAME?!")

************************************

Order in court!...

*************************************

"Transit gloriaa

[sic]" I told the judge. "Out of

order!" he replied...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

TWO-STORY BUILDING - world's smallest library...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 15)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm really struggling with my dancing lessons - it always seems to be a

case of one step forward, two steps back. And I can't even get THAT 

right! No wonder my teacher keeps shouting at me...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a T-shirt and a Q-jumper?

Holly Willoughby wouldn't be seen dead in a Q-jumper...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The teens: quite a LONG bad spel...

*************************************

As my dyslexic

kids always say: you just can't

beat a misspelt yooth!...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Life, eh? Now I've decided to give my white trainers 

the boot, I can't decide what COLOUR boot!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I get a huge amount of fulfilment giving back to as many

people as possible," states Harry in Japan. Then dare I 

suggest you start by giving back your HRH to King Charles?...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry being stripped of his HRH? Rather that than women

being stripped of their HRT, suggests my wife...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

When humans are barking...

                                            *****************************************

                                             The more I see of

                                             what's going on in the world, the

                                             more I love my dog...

                                            *****************************************

(17 Syllables)

A 17-Syllable Pyrrhic Victory...

****************************************

Dad says you can't say

anything these days. He's wrong.

"Anything these days"

****************************************

(17 Very Sillybles)

The Meaning of Life, Oz-style...

**********************************

If Hope Springs eternal,

Does Alice Springs, too?..

"You'd best ask the colonel,"

Sighed a bush kangaroo...

**********************************

LAGER & LIMERICK

**********************************************

How I'd LOVE a large lager & lime,

(It's a drink I find simply sublime)

But I've barely the cash

For some bangers and mash,

So I think I'll be waiting some time...

**********************************************

The interest rate? It's not that great...

***********************************************

With interest now 5¼,

My wife's getting ever distraughter...

(For there's no gin and tonic,

Which is all rather chronic,

As we can't even stretch to the water)

***********************************************

Rule of Thumb. TOM Thumb...

***********************************

It has to be said:

kings who are just 12 inches

tall make great rulers...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kwasi Kwarteng left off Liz Truss's list? I hope he doesn't think he was honour promise.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Jan Moir says, Prince William was born to wear a kilt. There's no, ahem, 

skirting around the fact... (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 14)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hearing birdsong is good for one's mental health, apparently. Does that

include music by The Eagles and Sheryl Crow, as well as The Byrds?...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Never mind lavender helping refresh the memory, now I'm getting on 

a bit, my wife insists I go to sleep to the scent of forget-me-nots...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's National Coincidence Day! There was one last year, too -  

ON THE EXACT SAME DAY! How weird is that?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lee Anderson, Tory Deputy Chair...

******************************

Who says MPs can't

be bought? 30p Lee has

even named his price!...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PILATES OF THE CARRIBEAN - the secret to Jack Sparrow's crew's flexibility.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 8)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Turns out not all politicians can be bought. Shame really, as I could have 

got Stephen Pound, Mike Pence and 30p Lee all for less than a fiver...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Liz, you can always START OFF wearing flat heels at an outside wedding.

After a few hours on grass they'll end up high, anyway. As a kite, probably...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, Harry, but it seems BetterUp might be BetterOff without you...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Presidential haiku...

*********************************************

Some Presidents are

best judged not by their friends, but

by their defence teams...

*********************************************

(Trump: 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

As soon as Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny was 

sentenced to a further 19 years in prison, Foreign Secretary 

James Cleverly called for his immediate release.

Brilliant. If that doesn't do the trick, then nothing will...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why won't Prince William wear a kilt? It seems to be an

issue he'd rather, ahem, skirt around...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

If all of Harry Styles' tattoos DO have a back story, then isn't

that be where they should be: on his back? Just saying...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

London Summers...

***********************

Summer clement,

Summer hot,

Summer pleasant,

Some are NOT!...

***********************

This one's NOT!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heading off to the beach with my parents, I know I'll end

up getting into hot water: the oceans really have warmed up,

just as the scientists warned us they would...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

No, not even for wine gums...

***************************

Will my shop need an

alcohol licence to sell

liquor-ish allsorts?...

***************************

(Do wine gums contain

a tad more alcohol than

liquor-ish allsorts?)

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MAGALOMANIA - pathological egotism as exhibited by a certain ex-President...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 29)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sinead O'Connor remains released (Newspaper headline). 

She also remains dead.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

17 Rather Sillybles...

**********************************

I love teling [sic] 

jokes. (I'm pretty sure I got

away with that one!)

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Talking of Brits abroad (and I'm sure somebody is), I'd been waiting so

long in our Spanish resort's queue for a sun lounger last week, I eventually 

threw  in the towel. And guess what? It landed on the last free lounger! 

Bingo!... I'm sure there's a moral in there somewhere...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did Atomic Kitten ever play Japan?... #Oppenheimer

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nice photo in the papers today of Rishi pulling a pint. Can we expect

one of him tomorrow pouring cold water on all our hopes and dreams?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In my client's defence, m'lud...

******************************************

The only battery that never needs 

charging is a battery of lawyers...

They charge YOU!

******************************************

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Department of Justice can hardly say it's going after

Trump on the q.t. Even if the 'c' in 'indictment' IS silent!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Never mind your actual cricketers, now the Ashes are over I'm really going to miss 

TMS statistician Andy Zaltzman. The man's a legend. And if I'm not the 78th man 

with a name beginning with H who's said that between the hours of 3:00 and 4:00pm 

on a Tuesday, I'm pretty sure he'll put me right.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Model, by appointment - 4th floor...

***********************************

 🦵With her legs in the air,🦵

She just doesn't care...

(She's such a good looker

'Tis a shame she's a hooker)

***********************************

--------------------------------------------------------

"Y X, Elon?" (And please don't answer "Y not?")

----------------------------------------------------------------

JUST STOP OIL protesters make mi [sic...as a parrot]

----------------------------------------------------------------