way too important (but I'm not sure WHICH way)

 **********************************

My most important
possession? - my sat nav. I'd
be lost without it...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)

Dannazione!...(sorry, vicar)

*************************************

if all roads lead to
Rome, how come I've ended up
in Chalfont St Giles?...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)

why would you?...

****************************************

Booze? No, never touched
the stuff. Drunk loads of it, mind.
Just never touched it...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)

************************************************

'Don't knock it till you've tried it'? -
how else can I test my door knocker?...

************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 23)

cameo, cameo, wherefore art thou?...

**************************************

When stealing a brooch,
break it fast! That way, no-one
can pin it on you...

**************************************



('Self-defeating?': 17 Syllables)

Sanditon? - I enjoyed it no end...

********************************

I've just put down Jane
Austen's unfinished novel.
No end of a good...

********************************



(17 Syllables)

you couldn't make it up (well, not in less than half an hour)

Concealer,
Foundation,
Highlighter,
Powder,
Blusher,
Lipstick,
Eyeshadow,
Eyebrow pencil,
Liquid eyeliner,
Lashes...

"How d'you like it? It's my new natural look," claims the Mrs...

they know the way - to get on your nerves...

****************************************

sat navs: not so much
the root cause of endless rows -
more the 'which route?' cause...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)

the leader in his (Gar)field...

*************************************

In a cricket match
between Drunks and Sobers, I
think we know who'd win...

*************************************



('Garfield Sobers':17 Syllables)

'the future, present and past'ures new...

 ****************************************

Time travel's great! I've
just spent all next month planning
my last fifteen years...

*****************************************



(17 Sillybles)

pastures new...

******************************************

sometimes, for better
things to follow, good things have
to come to an end...

******************************************



(17 Not-So-Sillybles)

*************************************************************

"Have a healthy soup and shake every day," said
my dietician. "How long should I shake?" I asked...

*************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Novemeber 6)

 **************************************************

If you're not sure which approach works
best, carrot or stick, then but some carrot
sticks. Works every time!...

***************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 26)

my sense of direction's gone west - or is it east?...

********************************

"I've got no sense of
direction," I told my wife -
then right left away...

********************************



(17 Syllable)
--------------------------------------------------
Is a mule an ass? Well, a drugs mule is...
--------------------------------------------------

taking the gum out of gumshoe...

*******************************************

sorry, your case just
won't stick - those detectives, they
haven't got a glue...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, Lewis Hamilton will be driving at Austin, Texas,
with one hand on the world championship trophy. Wow, that
must make steering the car pretty difficult...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

********************************************************************

The difference between teetotallers and alcoholics? -
The former try to never drink a drop - the latter try to
never drop a drink, hahaha...

********************************************************************
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could that be love I see blossoming at the Royal Botanic Gardens? -
"I like Kew," she whispers..."I like Kew, too," he replies.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter O'Toolbox sets...

*******************************

If Hammer films were
exceedingly scary, are
Spanner films gripping?...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------
What a dancer! Barack Obama's slogan was
'yes we can'. Maybe Theresa May's should
now be 'yes we can-can'? Just a thought...
----------------------------------------------------

Kane and (not so) able...

**********************************

England caps? Harry
Kane and I have over thirty
between us. Who knew!...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
So Craig Revel Harwood is smitten with his boyfriend
Jonathan, a horticulturalist who trained at Kew Gardens.
Isn't that how all romances start? "I like Kew," said
Jonathan. "I like Kew, too," replied Craig...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************************

Narcissists should take a long hard look
at themselves (They shouldn't find that too hard...)

*****************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 16)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
If the many pounds lost by followers of diet books were
transferred straight into the writers' bank accounts,
would they be fatty deposits?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

on the shelf, where I belong...

****************************************

All my albums are
Morocco-bound. Not me, though.
I'm staying where I am...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bakers in gay cake case urge Christians to "take their stand"
What? The one with the cakes on? That would be theft...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a cake stand? -
Play it the National Anthem, presumably...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

only the ones that drop autumnatically...

***********************************

are drop-leaf tables
made only from the wood of
deciduous trees?...

***********************************



('Hey, this table's no evergreen, man!': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
A recent survey claims young women are the worst
snorers, apparently. That's certainly the case in our
house. The sound of 'sound asleep' in our bedroom
is about 80 decibels - and it sure ain't me!...
---------------------------------------------------------------

a bit of needle...

***********************************

is a sprinter who
likes to inject a bit of
pace a drug runner?...


***********************************

sprinters who take drugs
cross the line...often in first
place - that's the problem...

***********************************



(17 Syllables x 2)
--------------------------------------------------
Dogs see in blue and yellow (news item).
And they play on the green, haha...
--------------------------------------------------

boy, that smells good!...

**********************************

Cheesebergamot and
chips: one of my 5-a-day
that really makes scents!...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
A BMW that can hold a conversation? (news item).
At £33,000, who says torque is cheap?...
-------------------------------------------------------------

biscuit?...

**************************************

We want to bury
granny at sea - well, once she's
finished her coffee...

**************************************



('Into the drink': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Lucky old Jack Brooksbank! How our PM could do with
her very own EU genie to grant her her every wish...
(Jack and Eugenie are getting married as I write)
------------------------------------------------------------------

puppy love...

***************************************

Just who's been chewing these
chair legs again? Damn you and
your suite tooth, Rover!...

***************************************



('Aghhh! Every day's a Chewsday right now!': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Mondelez UK Ltd paid no corporation tax in Britain
last year (news item). ie: Cadburys Milk...the system.
------------------------------------------------------------------

hung, drawn and quartered...

***********************************************************

What fate awaits the next Banksy creation that
commits the crime of being sold at auction? Will
it, too, be drawn...hung...and shredded?...

***********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 10)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For some Brexiteers, it's 'The Chequers Deal, Come What May'.
For others, it's 'Super Canada, Come What Johnson'. - Me? They
don't call me the Mother Superior for nothing: I'm Nun the Wiser...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

married to a mug...

**************************************

"why have you bought this
coffee table, love? - you know
I only drink tea"....

**************************************



(It's handy being a mug: you can fly off your very own handle!: 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------
Of course Boris will get behind the PM.
How else can he stab her in the back?...
-------------------------------------------------

the sound of silence...

****************************

if shouting isn't
allowed in libraries, is
whispering aloud?...

****************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If pretty people are perceived as more intelligent, and
ugly people are said to be less happy (news item), where
does that leave me? I'm pretty ugly...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

********************************************************************

If John Cleese's three rules of comedy are 'no puns, no
puns and no puns', then what exactly is 'Fawlty (Faulty)
Towers'? The exception that proves the rule? ('How To
Produce Comedy Bronze' book review)

********************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, October 7)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Corbyn's son and his girlfriend have opened a store selling
hemp-derived products. Do their profits go into a joint account?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hey, we've all got a price...

***************************************

Ambush marketing?
Not on my watch! (A brand new
Rolex, by the way)

***************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Mamma Mia! The Party' an evening of song and dance and a spot of
dinner, sounds great! As long as there are no swedes on the menu...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************************************

'Dirty' bank notes and coins can be crawling with
up to 19 types of bug, apparently (Mail). No problem
for me - all my money's been laundered!...

*****************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 5)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A successful entrepreneur can fire the young with enthusiasm. I know Alan Sugar on
'The Apprentice' does. Weekly. "You're fired!"..."You're Fired!"..."You're fired!"...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

plastic pollution...

*****************************************************

87% of under 35s want straw polls replaced
by compostable polylactic ones...

*****************************************************



(The end of straw polls! (But I'm not sure which end)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Free kick with every selfie! David Beckham was so money-minded,
he never gave away free kicks, he made you pay for them.
"You'll pay for that," he'd squeak...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wonder Woman's is obviously 'wondering'...

******************************************

"Which superpower would
you like to have?" asked my mum.
"The States," I replied...

******************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ann Widdecombe says women have never had it so good. (And some,
dare I say, have never had it at all.) No names, no pack drill, eh, Ann?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alcoholics Anonymous...

*******************************

They made me attend
an AA meeting last night.
Bit of a rum do...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Every Tom, Dick and Harry in London seems to be called
Muhammad these days (news story this week)...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

not at the Holiday Inn-uendo, by any chance?...

******************************************************

I was engaged for about 5 months until my
fiancée broke it off. Took the surgeon about
6 hours to sew it back on again...

******************************************************



(17 Syllables + VAT)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who knew a George Harrison guitar would be sold to the tune of
£350,000? That's a hell of a tune. One of George's better ones...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

lethargy doesn't run in her family - it WALKS!...

*******************************

boy, my wife's lazy! -
to her, 'wining and dining'
is multi-tasking...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
A poem a day keeps the doctor away (news item).
By sticking to prose, will I know only woes?...
-------------------------------------------------------------

there's no smoke without fire(water)...

***************************************

An alcoholic?
Moi? - Rumours! (Nothing I can't
Scotch - on the rocks, please)

***************************************


(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Donald Trump's brain really is that large (news item),
can someone please lock him up in one of its many cells?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

the morning after...

****************************************

I was quite Brahms and
Liszt when I got home last night.
Now I'm just Lisztless...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, students are still into pot noodles. Only
now it's 'ditch the noodles, smoke the pot'...
--------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************

'The rich are on borrowed time,' warns Corbyn
(news item). Luckily for him, 'The Rich' don't
have a union - otherwise they'd be demanding
borrowed time and a half, I reckon...

*********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 26)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, Bill Cosby has been removed from TV's Hall of
Fame. I guess he's been moved to the Stuart Hall of Fame...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fastest televised 147: Ronnie O'Sullivan, 5 minutes, 20 seconds.
Slowest? Alastair Cook, 6 ½ hours over two days...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Russell Brand

***************************************

who is this 'rather
strange man', so fond of posting
'rather strange man'tras?...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spending a penny in the swimming pool is as ill-advised as
spending a fortune in the casino...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If it's true that you can judge a man by what he drinks, I'm
not sure what to make of seeing Jeremy Corbyn enjoy an
anti-Semillon the other day ("very funny, but not really usable,"
The Daily Mail tells me.) Not sure why???...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

on the count of three - draw!...

****************************************************

when cartoonists die,
they don't just stop drawing breath - they
stop drawing anything...

****************************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surely 'It's My Party (And I'll Cry If I Want To)' should now be added to
former Labour Home Secretary Alan Johnson's musical highlights list -
judging by how he views the Labour Party these days (Event magazine)...
(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, September 23)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Misogynoir': was there ever a more beautiful word for such a contemptible prejudice?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a proper church wedding...

****************************************

Your mum and I got
married before God, son. "Wow!
How long before, dad?"...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, you can reverse your diabetes if you have a fat-free
soup and shake every day (news item). "Really? What sort of
soup, and how long should I shake? More info, please!"...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************

Two minutes of exercise can be as good as
half an hour, apparently (news report).
"Not in our bed, it can't," my wife warns me...

*********************************************************

**************************************************************

Man flies to Poland on boy's passport (news item).
Why couldn't he use a plane, like the rest of us?...

**************************************************************

**************************************************************

As for Channel 4's new reality show 'The Circle',
I just don't get it. Probably because I'm a square...

**************************************************************

Cathay Pacific misspells own name (true news story)

*************************************

"Cathay Paciic? Where's
the 'f' in Pacific?" - "Hey,
watch your language, dad!"...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)

*****************************************************************

Good news, Quentin Letts: I hear they're making
a new Carry On film about a fictional budget airline.
Working title: Carry-On Luggage!...

*****************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 20)

**************************************************************

The reason Donald Trump's not much cop at golf?
Too many awkward lies. A bit like his Presidency...

**************************************************************

***********************************************************************

With friends like Harvey Weinstein, who needs en-Emmys?

***********************************************************************

Singapore Grand Prix, 2018...

***********************************************************

"A very fast lap" dancer and "an incredible pole"
dancer! Is there any better way for a dominant
Lewis Hamilton to celebrate his win?...

***********************************************************

Lucky Popeye!...

*****************************

Popeye's Olive Oyl
wasn't just a virgin, she
was extra virgin!...

*****************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What sort of student am I? Not so much a Waitrose 'rose harrisa'
student, more a good old-fashioned Tesco 'meat & potato stew'dent...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Strictly Come Dancing (putting the 'trot' into foxtrot)

***********************************************

That equine medication worked, then!
Apparently Susannah Constantine was
dancing like a carthorse in practice...

***********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 17)
--------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Venus Williams
and her sister? - Venus is serener...
--------------------------------------------------------

Nuts, seeds and pulses - or KFC?...

*************************************

Are kernels always
the healthy option? - "No, not
Kernel Sanders, son"...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Does a boss who fires you with enthusiasm have to give
you verbal and written warnings with enthusiasm first?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************

Whenever I'm sick, I call my doctor instantly.
Whenever I'm well, I call him Peter...

*******************************************************

**********************************************************

Boris and "Apples"? Really? At his age, Granny
Smith would be a far better match, methinks...

**********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 13)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
380,000 bank cards hacked from BA (news item). Not
so much a security breach, more an 'airline fracture?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

come out, come out, wherever you are...

**********************************************

"Look! Not a cloud in
the sky, dear" - "Where are they, then
mum? In the wardrobe?"...

**********************************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
'Universities have to protect free thinking,' says Minister
(news item). Free thinking, my arse - it costs me £9,250
a year to do my thinking at university!...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

she may be crotchety, but...

*******************************************

knit and natter groups
aren't for mum - she'd much rather
be sewing (her wild oats!)

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drivers to lose licence on the spot if they fail sight test (news item).
If you didn't see that coming - from 20 yards - that means you!...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a quiet night in - again!...

*****************************************

being single, a spare
room's great - it's good to have a
room to go spare in!...

*****************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
British and French fishermen in scallop wars! (news item) -
No shortage of live shells for use in combat, then...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************************

Well done for getting yourself back on the telly, Sooty
- though I'm sure puppeteer Richard Cadell had a hand
in it. (Or do I mean a hand in YOU?!, haha...)

*******************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 5)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Talking of puppetry, I tried my hand at it once. I was
rubbish. So I tried the other hand. Much better!...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Women certainly are the best drivers (news item).
My wife can drive me up the wall and round the bend
faster than any man I know!...
------------------------------------------------------------------

and the piano was drowned by the cello...

********************************

Abandon ship: The
Titanic. A band on ship:
they played till the end...

********************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
When 'economical with the truth' Roxanne Pallett
hits 50, will she claim that 50 hit her first?...
-------------------------------------------------------------

a dent? - yes, an acci-dent...

*********************************

I've just been in a
Minor accident - I bumped
into a Morris...

*********************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The difference between PENNIES and PENCE? Pennies
are very low-denomination coins used in the UK, and
Pence? Vice-President of the USA! Who knew?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A crayon doesn't have to be sharp to draw blood...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

a case of life imitating art (thought for the day)...

The Art of Living...
-----------------------------
a bit of fruit in
a bowl is still life - so is
a life with cancer...
-----------------------------


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A life with cancer is still life: you're 'living with' - not 'dying from'...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A life with cancer is still life - just as water without gas is still water...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

are they the ones on the black market?...

************************************

is my boyfriend a
racist when he says he hates
afrodisiacs?...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
We're told that pennies last, on average, for more than
40 years (news item). How times have changed. I can't
seem to get my salary to last more than 3 weeks!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

mirror, mirror, on the wall...

**************************************

Narcissists should take
a long hard look at themselves
in the mirror. Not!

**************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Is your billy goat a bit gruff? (news item). Yes, mine is.
He says he's tired of living in a nanny state. I was quite
surprised - not only can he talk, he tells jokes!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************

Now Trump's house of cards is about
to topple, is a certain Joe waiting in
the wings, just Biden his time?...

*********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 29)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't wait for Richard Dawkins' new book 'Atheism for Children'
to come out. I shall read it religiously - just to annoy him!...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(or the big hand might slap them, haha...)

*********************************************

Kids really should be able to tell the
time by 6. Or at least by 6:30...

*********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 28)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can people's NDA be to blame for their dyslexai? Just a thuoght.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Cheat' fly-half Danny Cipriani should try moving to the front
row of the scrum. A physical relationship with a hooker might
come easier to him than an emotional one with a girlfriend...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************

Peter Hitchen is right about the metrication of
Britain. As for me, as soon as the Metropolitan
Police headquarters gets re-named New Scotland
0.9144 metres, I'm off!...

************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 26)
---------------------------------------------------------
Our library's just opened a vegetarian section -
nothing by Lamb or Bacon...
---------------------------------------------------------

a reassuring sight...

*****************************

a lifeboatman's role
is to re-ashore those in
peril on the sea...

*****************************



('RNLI: a re-ashoring presence to those in peril at sea': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you know what I'll miss most?" asked the retired
press photographer. I took a punt: "the cameraderie?"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

********************************************

The very idea of adding wood to my
diet goes against the grain (Mail)...

********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 24)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
When an alarm clock's set, you know when it'll go off - when
a jelly's set, you've NO idea when it'll go off. Anyway, it's
always eaten long before then...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do hospitals with pubs nearby have more inn-patients? (Mail)...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just as well I never went off the rails. Right, mum?...

*******************************

I love driving rain.
Always knew I wanted to
be a rain driver...

*******************************



You don't even need a licence...
----------------------------------------------
I love driving rain -
though finding the right gear's quite
hard. Rain gear, I mean...
----------------------------------------------



(17 Syllables x 2)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Stanley & Boris Johnson: 'like father, like son'. Oops,
sorry. 'Like father, not too keen on son' is what I meant...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

the sweet course is always the best course!...

******************************************************************

I've just applied for the 'bakery and patisserie
technology' course at University College, Birmingham.
Should be a piece of cake...

******************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 17)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cliff Richard a committed Christian? (Mail). After two years in
limbo, I bet he thanks God he wasn't committed - for anything!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************************

do the various foodstuffs hurled over jail walls for the
inmates to feast on have a cell-by date? (Mail)...

******************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 16)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Gerry Adams is publishing a cook book? If British justice ever
gets the chance to throw the book at him, let's hope it's this one...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************

Never trust Hawaiians - their
ii's are far too close together...

**************************************



You should never trust
Hawaiians - their iis are far
too close together...(17 Rather Sillybles)



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 15)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Fancy going somewhere nice and cool this summer? -
Try the British aisles - the chilled supermarket ones!...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

she brought him up once - now he's reciprocated...

***************************************

no point digging up
the past, son - put gran's coffin
back in the ground, lad...

***************************************



(17 Sillybles)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If slouching makes learning more difficult (Mail), how
ironic is it that those bent on success have to sit upright!...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************

OK, so impressionist Jon Culshaw never
got that job on the local mushroom farm he
craved, but he did become a fun guy!...

******************************************************


(As old as the hills, I know - but it fitted so well)


(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 12)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Me? Use gender-neutral language? No f*cqueen chance!...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

do I have to (Jimmy) Choos?...

*************************************

wouldn't swap my man
for the world - but I might for
a great pair of heels!...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Brexit negotiations are going nowhere fast. Very,
very fast. Surprised no-one's been done for speeding...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

engagement ring - wedding ring - boxing ring...

****************************

wearing boxers helps
fertility - marrying
one helps confirm it...

****************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------
If 'model-cum-activist' describes Lily Cole (Mail),
would 'cum-model-activist' describe a porn star?...
--------------------------------------------------------------

bank holiday? - let's make a meal of it!...

**********************************************

first course, second course,
golf course: the perfect three-course
meal, if you ask me...

**********************************************



('And don't forget the sand wedges!: 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the point of watching blue movies if you're colour blind?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boris Johnson's language may be florid, but, hey - across the
pond in Mar-a-Lago, Trump's is even Florida, haha...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

well, that's a relief...

***********************************************

'Friendly' fire, you say? -
does that mean those crosshairs aren't
THAT cross, after all?...

***********************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Mums even have to compile 'to-do lists' while having sex,'
writes Liz Jones. "Is that what's known as conjugal writes, Liz?"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

as daft as a brush - a 5" paintbrush...

***********************************

Mr Bit, Painter
& Decorator. "Look!...up
there!...you missed a bit!...

***********************************



('Totally unrelated to Messrs Bean & Gone & Dunnit. Badly': 17 Sillybles)
-------------------------------------------------------
Married oarsmen - are they always rowing?...
-------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************

"I'm a photographer!" snapped Brooklyn
Beckham. (Slightly out of focus. Typical!)

***************************************************

**************************************************************

"Airports are a trigger for me," says actor
Jonathan Rhys Meyer of his drunkenness (MoS).
('Terminal illness' takes on a whole new meaning!)

**************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 5)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bread and drip...drip...dripping? Yet again? "Fix the menu!"
Gove tells his wife before his meeting with the water firms...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

World's first trillion-dollar public company...

**********************************

to think I sold all
my Apple shares years ago -
what an iDiot!...

**********************************



('Shaken to the Corp.': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After relaxing the language tests, there's been a pronounced surge in
foreign nurses in the UK. Rather badly pronounced, by all accounts, haha...(Mail)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twix are miles better (but maybe not 26.2188 miles better)

***************************************

I've just finished my
first marathon! (Though I think
they're called snickers now.)

***************************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
With the weather so hot these days, I've now got a fan in
the bedroom. No idea who she is, or where she's from...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************************

At £900, JK7, the world's priciest face cream's motto
should read "we take from the rich and apply to the
pore" (just one pore at a time, at that price, haha!)...

*******************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 1 - but edited to within an inch of its life, sadly)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's going to get easier to see a dentist, apparently (Mail).
"Not if you've got macular degeneration, it's not. It's not
getting easier to see anything!"...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

dovetail joint membership always available...

*******************************

What's the best thing for
a carpenter to do to
keep fit? Joiner gym!

*******************************



(17 Very Sillybles)
----------------------------------------------------------
This heatwave's playing havoc with my sense of
humour - I've never known it be so dry...
----------------------------------------------------------

Some Like It Hot...

*****************************************

"To summer!" - Raise a
toast! Toast the rays! - "To never-
ending sunny days!"...

*****************************************



(17 Gloriously Sweaty Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
When we were married, we had chemistry. Now we're
divorced, we've got history. Whatever next? Double French?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************************

Apt photo of Macca posing on that zebra crossing (Mail).
Middle of the road - always was, always will be...

*********************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 26)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They should have called the new Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again
soundtrack "Abbacus." (They could have counted on it - to get to No 1!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***********************************************

Snooker players must tire easily - they
always seem to be in need of a rest...

***********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 25)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I've retired from snooker, " he said. "The rest is history!"...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

listing ships can be dangerous - listing tennis players is much more fun!

---------------------------------
Listing ships can be
dangerous - listing tennis
players? Much more fun!...(17 Rather Sillybles)
---------------------------------

Sharapova,
Kvitova,
Pliskova,
Alexandrova,
Stefkova,
Gavrilova,
Pavlyuchenkova,
Vondrousova,
Cibulkova,
Kozlova,
Allertova,
Blinkova,
Makarova,
Safarova,
Sevastova,
Siniakova,
Rybarikova,
Smitkova,
Tomova,
Schmiedova,
Kusmova,
Kusnetsova,
Strycova...

...that's a lot of 'ova's!

- wasn't sure whether I was watching Wimbledon or a Twenty20 cricket match!...

is there a branch near you?...

******************************************

money doesn't grow
on trees, just treasure - when it's
berried, you'll see it...

******************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
if you think pageantry is archaic and demeaning
to women, what does that say about page3antry?...
---------------------------------------------------------------

and caps, of course - petrol caps...

*******************************

there's nothing auto-
milliners like to do more
than make car bonnets...

*******************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dad's a petrolhead, mum's a milliner - so they've gone
into business making car bonnets and petrol caps...
------------------------------------------------------------------

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?...

************************************

if there's no money
in making hats, who wants to
be a milliner?...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dumbo in the Jumbo: there's a rogue elephant in Air Force One!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Words Save Lives (organ donation slogan)

***************************************

Whilst words can form a
sentence, 'no words' can form a
death sentence. Donate...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kingsley Amis claims he spent 50 years chained to an idiot (his
libido). I'm pretty sure some ageing women, when hospitalised
occasionally, are just as relieved to be attached to a drip who's
not their husband for once...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************************************

"The speech of a statesman," said Rees-Mogg of Boris.
A hell of a statesman, maybe. But not a hell of a leader -
unless we want to end up in a hell of a state...

**********************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 20)
--------------------------------------------------------------
More than ever now, what this country needs is a
decisive PM. What we've got is a Theresa Maybe...
--------------------------------------------------------------

more bang for your buck...

*****************************************

if you're a gun for
hire, it might help if your name's
name's double-barrelled...

*****************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
I like to put ketchup or mayonnaise on my chips.
Seems Tiger Woods prefers to put some spin on his.
---------------------------------------------------------------

clearing the air...

********************************

falling out with your
father's a great way to do
a tandem skydive...

********************************



('Skydivers: down-to-earth types': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------
Cereal promiscuity: sowing your wild oats...
------------------------------------------------------

beware the terror wrist...

*************************************

"I've got a great right
hook." - So's Abu Hamza. Stop
going on about it...

*************************************



('Need a hand, mate?': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, I do love my own company. Why else would I be a major shareholder?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

give us this day our daily milk...

**********************************************

if a single goat
gives me two pints, how much would
a married goat give?...

**********************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If a burglar did indeed fall into a paddling pool, would
it cause a crime wave? Or merely a few ripples? (Mail)
-------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************

Was there ever any doubt Harry Kane would
win the Golden Boot? He was a shoo-in...

******************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 18)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What food would you serve at a black tie dinner? Black Thai rice?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dominatrix required...

******************************************

smart car, smart phone, smart
meter - someone come round and
make my bum smart, too!...

******************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Stop using tap water on my garden? What about on my food?"
asked gran. "I'd miss my bread and drip...drip...dripping!" (Mail)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's just their cup of tea...

************************************

chain-smokers love to
wake up with fags and a cup
of cough...cough...coughee...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------
A funeral DVD for £50? Get the biers in!
-------------------------------------------------

I'm dying for a coffee...

**********************************

when the end is nigh:
'outpatient...inpatient...on
the way out patient'...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------
No wonder Jordan Pickford's being toasted -
He's the best thing since sliced bread!...
------------------------------------------------------

it could cost me an arm and a legacy...

***********************************

where there's a way, there's
a will - that tries to avoid
inheritance tax...

***********************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Never mind teaching kids right from wrong. Teaching
them right from left would be a start...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************

a reliable material witness
should never be suede...

*********************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 17)

are you OK, pet?...

****************************************

yes, therapy dogs
are great - but they still can't do
what a CAT scan can!...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)

right-wing firebrand...

******************************************************

I don't know why Peter Hitchens professes
to despise heat and football - as a firebrand
and right-winger, he has few equals!...

******************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 15)

we enjoyed it no end...

***************************

Schubert's Unfinished
Symphony is simply a
wonderful piece of

***************************



(17 Sillybles)

simulation in football: diving, by any other name...

************************************

Neymar, what a clown!
Talk about being a roll...and
roll...and roll model!...

************************************



(17 Syllables)

*****************************************************************

Fear not, our PM's still flying the flag for Brexiteers.
Trouble is, it's the Double-Cross of St George...

*****************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 12)

the junk food lobby...

*********************************

the one thing you won't
find in the junk food lobby
is a three-piece sweet...

*********************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One thing you'll never find in supermarket 'guilt aisles': Innocent smoothies!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank God for the Gender Equality Act and, er,  public trans port!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

************************************************************

Happy Hour always leaves me with a bitter taste
in the mouth. Best bitter, if I can afford it...

************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 11)

I'd rather you looked down on me...

**************************************

so "upskirting"s now
a crime? - so much for looking
up old school friends, then!...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)

naturally...

*********************************

homeopathy? -
there's a time and placebo
for everything, mate...

*********************************



(17 Syllables)

how much to construct a daft sentence or two?...

************************************

My sparky's shocking,
my plumber's a drip - but my
builder? What a brick!...

************************************



(17 Syllables)

*****************************************************************

A seedy reality show, or the top seeds at Wimbledon?
I sure know which I'd rather watch...

*****************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 10)

putting on a brave face...

*******************************************

"You might need a skin
graft," they informed me. "No skin
off my nose," I smiled...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)

The Queen's Regiment?...

**********************************************

there's ground beef, of course,
and then there's parade ground beef:
"by the left, quiiick...mince!"

**********************************************



('Beefeaters, by any other name': 17 Syllables)

every night is burns night...

************************************

my wife constantly
burns our dinner - the veg we
eat is always chard...

************************************



(17 Syllables)

**************************************************

Just when you're thinking life's a breeze,
along comes the wind of change...

**************************************************



bugger, just when you're
thinking life's a breeze, along
comes the wind of change...



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 5)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Some commentators are comparing Love Island to
Shakespeare. I can see why. Much ado about nothing...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

a quick plug for my electrician (16 amp)

*************************************

my electrician's
pretty good - it's just that his
bills give me a shock...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)

the butt of many a joke...

*******************************

I don't smoke very
much, really - only when
friends lead me ashtray...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What should a woman wear when she's on her cycle? Pedal pushers?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

no pain, no gain (your pain, my gain!)

**************************************

I'd never really
planned to become a masseur,
but, you know, kneads must...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)

**************************************

Why the lettuce shortage?
"Cos it's too hot for icebergs"...

**************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 4)
----------------------------------------------------------------
The mourning after: a nation grieves for England's
passing. Not to mention its dribbling and shooting...
----------------------------------------------------------------

the lack of tact in tactile...

*********************************

I've changed girlfriends! I
feel a much better person
now (when she lets me!)

*********************************



(17 Syllables)

liquid assets...

***************************************

my wife spends money
like water - last week she spent
about 10 gallons...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)

1p can buy you so much relief...

***************************

if you want to feel
like a million dollars -
just spend a penny...

***************************



(17 Syllables)

Tomato Suppé, anyone?...

********************************************

when the orchestra
went to the shops, you should have
seen their Chopin Liszt!...

********************************************



('Or maybe heard it?': 17 Syllables)

on yer bike!...

********************************

"I love travelling,"
I told the dole people - so
they sent me packing...

********************************



(17 Syllables)

the final chapter: it comes to us all...

**********************************

a family pet
is like a well-written book -
so hard to put down...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)

********************************************

Do homing pigeons with no sense of
direction just have to wing it?...

********************************************



do homing pigeons
with no sense of direction
just have to wing it?...



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 28)

here's one I heard earlier...

*********************************

To see Suggs walking
up your garden path is the
first sign of Madness...

*********************************



(99.8% of these posts are mine, this one is an exception.
It tickled my fancy, and fits neatly into the format)



('Pop corny joke. Sorry, corny pop joke': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
To those who feel Aidan Turner was a bit wooden as Poldark,
all I can say is 'what's wrong with a bit of stripped pine'?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Escape from Alcatraz...

**************************************************************

"Escape from Alcatr..."(typical! - he never finishes
his sentences, whoever hands them down.)

**************************************************************

*************************************************************************

"Cancer's no laughing matter," writes Ileana von Hirsch
(Mail). But - as she herself demonstrates - it certainly can
be. When I had my prostatectomy, my nurses called my
humour very deadpan. "More 'bedpan' at the moment,"
I replied. It's true what they say, laughter really can be the
best medicine. (As a survivor, I'm allowed to joke about it.
13 years ago now.)

*************************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 27)

Jilly Cooper's new project, apparently...

*******************************

"Transgenderella" -
(Just another pantomime
with Aladdin drag?)

*******************************



('A lad in drag': 17 Syllables)

*****************************************************************

Marathon cheats always get caught in the long run...

*****************************************************************



Naughty, naughty, Stanislaw Skupian...



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 26)

too many courses!...

**************************************

overweight schoolkids? -
maybe they've been given too
much food for thought?...

**************************************



('Making a meal of education': 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eva Peron loved the good life (or 'La Dolc'Evita,' as she called it).
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Orchestral manoeuvres in the dark...

********************************

if music be the
food of love, can I have a
lick of your cornet?...

********************************



('Brass necking': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------
if music be the
food of love, then never say
no to the drumsticks!
-----------------------------------

no strings, OK?...

*****************************************

if music be the
food of love, small wonder flutes
have champagne in them...

*****************************************



(17 Syllables)

No 'His and Hermes' for us, sadly...

********************************

yes, we've got bags of
money - but sadly not one
of them's a Hermes...

********************************



(17 Syllables)

well-read light district...

**********************************

thank heavens we've found
a model tenant - at least,
that's what her sign says...

**********************************



('Model, 1st Floor': 17 Syllables)

********************************************************************

'The farther the better, the better the father?' - When
it comes to Thomas Markle, Kensington Palace
officials probably feel Mexico's not nearly far enough...

********************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 21)

pretty expensive...

**********************************

they may well be called
ugli fruit, but they give me
a handsome profit...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seen on sports news ticker: 'Andy Murray breaks back, wins set'
Wow, only Andy could win a set with a broken back...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

love handles...

**********************************

"Why the spare tyre? Is
it in case you get a flat
stomach? Dream on, lass"...

**********************************



('More 'fat tyre' than flat tyre': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------
Drench warfare: water pistols at dawn!
------------------------------------------------

wrong setting, love?...

***************************************

I asked my wife what
she thought of her vibrator.
"No great shakes," she sighed...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)

there's cutlery - and then there's half-cutlery...

*****************************

Wetherspoons? Perfect
place for Uri Geller to
go on a bender!...

*****************************



('Not sure Whether-ANY-Spoons would approve, mind': 17 Syllables)

stop the world, I want to get off with someone...

**************************************

I think it's great when
people get on - though the bus
keeps having to stop...

**************************************



if you get on with
someone on the bus, you can
get off with them, too..



('Fancy going all the way?': 17 Syllables)

The House of Lordzzzzzzz...

***********************************

Some peers have never
spoken in the Chamber. Not
even in their sleep...

***********************************



('Do not disturb': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------
Dublin Cookery School seeks Irish Stewdents...
---------------------------------------------------------

***************************************************************

The Just A Minute panel only speak for 60 seconds.
Nicholas Parsons once spoke for 11 hours (Mail).
Does that make him a panel beater?...

***************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 13)

settling old scores - by composing new ones?...

**********************************

Don't cross Lloyd Webber -
he'll probably make a song
and dance about it...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went on the 5:2 diet last Monday. Started at 5:2, finished
at quarter past. All I lost was 20 minutes of my life...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

some love stories end happily - others in marriage...

************************************

"Are you certain you
want a fairy-tale wedding
like ours, darling: Grimm?"...

************************************




(17 Syllables)

stepping up to the plate...

***********************************

Pasta jokes? They're ten
a penne (although that's the
only one I know)...

***********************************



(17 Syllables)

or in anything by Lamb or Bacon?...

***************************

who the hell thinks of
casting a vegan actor
in a meaty role?...

***************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
If my bag for life perishes, will I be living on borrowed time?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

run, rabbit, run...

*******************************

if your vibrator
gets off to a shaky start,
you know it's working...

*******************************



(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------
Homerphobia: a hatred of The Simpsons...
----------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************************

The secret to a happy relationship is 'give and take',
says Sir David Jason (You magazine). Couldn't agree
more. My wife always gives me her undivided attention,
and I always take it for granted. Works a treat...

*********************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 10)

the correct form of a dress...

*************************************

Confucius, he say:
she who dresses to kill should
wear dress to die for...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)

******************************************************

The highlight of this year's Royal Academy
Summer Exhibition preview? In his multi-
coloured frock: the 50 Shades of Grayson...

******************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 8)

sound advice (as long as the sound's erotic)

**********************************

wives: if you want your
man to be happy when he
makes love, sighs matter...

**********************************



('Who doesn't enjoy cutting his wife down to sighs?': 17 Syllables)

Red Hot Chili Peppers go Latino...

****************************

our salsa's so hot,
we only ever dance to
the Chili Peppers...

****************************



("Burning on the Dancefloor? - we're off the Scoville scale!": 17 Syllables)

********************************************

Pasta jokes? They're two a penne...

********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 6)

****************************************************************

Lord Lloyd-Webber is horrified by his fellow
peers' campaign to thwart Brexit, apparently (Mail).
Trust him to make a song and dance about it...

****************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 5)

I'd go to any lengths to avoid 'em...

*****************************************

Some people are dead
scared of heights - me, I'm afraid
of widths. Can't stand 'em...

*****************************************



(17 Sillybles)

the truth hurts (without lubrication)

*****************************

it's true what they say
about sodomy - "it's an
uncountable noun"...

*****************************



(17 Syllables)

"Capital idea!" (a stupid joke, but it's MY stupid joke)

*************************************

Where do Egyptians
go if they've got a bad back? -
"A Cairopractor?"...

*************************************



(Package holidays: 'there and (ouch, my) back again!': 17 Sillybles)

**************************************************

Maybe footballers should forget about
getting tattoos, and stick to asking for
transfers in future. Less pain all round...

**************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 1)

how do I get to - divorce you?...

**********************************************

map-reading quarrels:
the route (but which route?) cause of
many divorces...

**********************************************



('The route of the problem': 17 Syllables)

the battle of the sexes...

*****************************************

my sister loves to
weaponise her clothes - so keeps
them in her war drobe...

*****************************************




(17 Syllables)

**********************************************************

(Coleen Rooney's huge mountain of suitcases.)
And there was I thinking it was Wayne, and not
Coleen, who came with a lot of baggage...

**********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 29)

impossible is nothing, right? - wrong...

*************************************

Holding your breath is
quite easy. Holding someone
else's? - MUCH tougher...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)

from 'fashion1sta' to 'fashion2nda'...

***************************************

you know you're past it
when you go from Pierre Cardin
to Pierre Cardi(ga)n...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)

talk about a paper chase!...

**************************

The cops tore up the
A3. Fortunately, I
was on the A4...

**************************



(17 Syllables)

*******************************

A haiku's brief is
to evoke wonder in three
lines. A haiku's brief.

*******************************


(17 Syllables)

********************************************************

Sadly, all my money's tied up at the moment.
"No wonder they call it a trussed fund"...

********************************************************

*****************************************************************

A liberated wife will always be the belle of the ball -
a browbeaten wife the belle of the ball and chain...

*****************************************************************

****************************************************

The material of 'material witnesses' should
always be velcro. That way, you'll know
they'll stick to their story..

****************************************************

ladies first...

********************************
my dad always pines
after my mum (he prefers
it when she pines first)

********************************



(17 Syllables)

today bread, tomorrow the world - maybe...

****************************************

men can't wait to bring
home the bacon -girls just want
to be breadwinners...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)

****************************************************************

The Good Beer Guide: a 'WONDERFUL PUB'lication...

****************************************************************

or the big hand might slap them...

*****************************

Kids should be able
to tell the time by 5. Or
5:30, at least...

*****************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)

timing is everything...

***********************************

if you've got nothing
on at the moment, why not
join a nudist club?...

***********************************



(17 Syllables)

**************************************

He who is an open book
wears his heart on its sleeve...

**************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 16)

pleasure seekers...

****************************************

union guys don't
want a great time - they want a
great time and a half...

****************************************



(17 Syllables)

take your time (taking MINE would be a crime)

*********************************

you're not a burglar
if you break into a sweat -
if it's your own sweat...

*********************************



(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------
burglars don't get arrested for breaking into
a sweat - not if it's their own sweat...
------------------------------------------------------

well-bred and dripping...

*****************************

the horror film was
so scary, there wasn't a
dry seat in the house...

*****************************



(17 Syllables)

and the piano was drowned by the trumpet...

******************************************

"Abandon ship!" they
cried. The cruise ship singer went
down well - and quite fast...

******************************************



(17 Syllables)

I'm a Republican...

*********************************

I prefer writing
paper to be ruled - but not
by a damned monarch...

*********************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)

the meat market - and its vegetarian equivalent...

*************************************

I'd date anyone
with a pulse, me! (Except some
vegan with pulses)

*************************************



(17 Syllables)

each to his own (goal)

*********************************************

a striker just loves
to score goals - drunkards would much
rather hit the bar...

*********************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------
RONALD 0 - MESS 1 (away win, haha...)
-----------------------------------------------

going down? (in my estimation, yes)

 **************************

breaking wind in an
elevator is wrong - on
quite a few levels...

***************************



(17 Syllables)

hello, cello fellow...

**********************************

only idiots
play air guitar, son - me, I'm
an air cello man...

**********************************



(17 Syllables)

the follow-up hit...

******************************************

"TAKE THAT!" he screamed. "What
about them?" I enquired. So
he hit me again...

******************************************


(17 Syllables)

*****************************************************************

Life gets cheaper as you age. At night, youngsters can
spend a fortune in bars and clubs - whereas pensioners
tend to only spend a penny. Or two. Or three...

*****************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 4)

**********************************************

Never call a hunky vegan a beefcake...

**********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 11)

a short pictorial interlude - me, on my hols...

************************************************

Fancy a club sandwich? "Depends on
the club, mate. I can't stand 9-irons"...

************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 15)

snowed under...

************************************

"it never rains but
it paws," sighed the local vet -
"cats and dogs, mostly"...

************************************



(17 Sillybles)

I might have got this wrong...

************************************

a night in shining
armour sure beats a knight in
front of the telly!...

************************************



(17 Syllables)

happy birthday to me!...

*******************************************

my wife's got two kids,
she says - one's thirteen, and one's
forty-two today...

*******************************************



(17 Syllables)

somewhere, on a levelled playing field...

******************************

So what if I can't
spell Armagedon? It's not
the end of the world...

******************************



(17 Syllables)

glass half empty...

*******************************

I paid the new milk
bar a visit yesterday.
No great shakes, sadly...

*******************************



(17 Sillybles)

**************************************************

Give a Michelin chef a pile of ingredients,
and he won't half make a meal of it...

**************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 27)

inhale and hearty...

*****************************************

My mum inspired me.
"Never give up," she'd say. Which
is why I still smoke...

*****************************************



(17 Syllables)

double mean-ing...

*********************************************

it's hard to be mean
to your spouse when you know what
you mean to your spouse...

*********************************************



(17 Syllables)

even cats only have nine lives!...

**********************************

"A man dies of AIDS
every 8 hours? Why the hell
keep reviving him?"...

**********************************



('Back from the dead': 17 Sillybles)

***************************************************

If men are from Mars and women from
Venus, how come Penny's from Heaven?...

***************************************************


Paean to my wife...
-------------------------
if men are from Mars
and women from Venus, then
Penny's from Heaven...



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 23)

born free - pay later...

************************************

if an elephant
charges you, it's best to pay -
but not with your life...

************************************



(17 Syllables)

when I saw the price, I almost had kittens...

*************************************

when you buy a young
dog at the pet shop, make sure
you're not sold a pup...

*************************************



(17 Syllables)

driving along a fold in the A4...

*************************************

"paper, glorious
paper!" he sang, "it's the stuff
that reams are made of!"...

*************************************



('Or was it the A3?': 17 Syllables)

are you trying it on with me?...

*****************************************

if you're trying to give
someone the slip, make sure you
know whose it is first...

*****************************************



(You might get the dressing gown you deserve! Oops. 'Dressing down," I mean: 17 Syllables)

Remember Keith West's 'Grocer' Jack? Well, he's even grosser now...

 *****************************************

the thing is, when Keith
speaks to me tongue-in-cheek, it's
my cheek his tongue's in...

*****************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In these days of Time's Up and #Me Too, you'd better
make sure, if you speak to someone tongue-in-cheek,
that it's your cheek your tongue's in!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************

Political inn-fighting: a punch-up in the
House of Commons Strangers Bar...

**********************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Wordy Wise, Daily Mail, March 6)

*************************************************************

Anti-obesity drives only exacerbate the problem.
Anti-obesity walks? That's quite another matter...

*************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 2)

I can read her like a book...

***************************************

my wife's a bottle
blonde (she hates it when I call
it 'vanity fair')

***************************************



(17 Syllables)

*******************************************************

How soon before Olympian (and occasional
model) Eve Muirhead gets snapped up as the
face of curling tongs, haha?...

*******************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 26)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarah Ferguson used to be the face of Weight Watchers.
I wonder why she was never its body?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

the fumble in the jungle...

**************************************

I prefer chocolate
buttons to sex - you don't have
to undo them first!...

**************************************



(17 Sillybles)

cash in the attic......

********************************

"Where are my CDs? -
I keep the ones by Johnny
Cash in the attic"...

********************************



(17 Syllables)

glossy, of course - to gloss over the reality?...

***********************************************

You know it's true: there are lies,
damned lies - and holiday brochures...

***********************************************

everyone knows it's
true: there are lies, damned lies - and
holiday brochures...
(17 Syllables)


(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 20)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Franz Beckenbauer would have been great at curling.
Has there ever been a better sweeper?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Eat more leeks and you'll sleep better, apparently (news
item). As opposed to what this ageing reader does, sadly:
takes more leaks and sleeps worse!...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

(this is just the first draught, haha...)

*****************************************

"Gales suck!" (At least, that's
what my wife thinks.) Myself, I'm
pretty sure they blow...

*****************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"My new carpet cleaner sucks!" (Isn't it meant to?)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to be a success, get some qualifications -
if you want to be an unqualified success, don't
bother with the qualifications...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

the non-swimmers, right?...

*********************************

in our local pool,
some girls go to any widths
to attract a boy...

*********************************



(17 Rather Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Competent deep-sea divers rarely come up to scratch...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

partying is such sweet sorrow...

**************************************

Jane had a drink from
a man's shoe last night. I think
it might have been laced...

**************************************



("Suede?" - "She sure did!": 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------
In China, if you go down to the woods today,
you really are sure of a big surprise. "BamBOO!"...
--------------------------------------------------------------

the balcony scene from...

************************************************************

Talking of balcony scenes, hear about the match
made in heaven?: Rome 0 - Juliet 1, haha...
(an away match, I believe)

************************************************************



("The 'aving it Away Match", a little-known Shakespearean play. On words...)

*************************************************************

Ironic, or what? In Venezuela, the local artisans
eke out a living by making bags of money (Mail)...

*************************************************************



(bags and baskets made out of their devalued currency notes)



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 15)
--------------------------------------------
Compewter: a rare antique, haha...
--------------------------------------------

******************************************************

If nothing else, the Trump/Morgan TV
interview certainly revealed one thing:
a President who is truly loved by his Piers...

******************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, February)
-----------------------------------------------------------
To the innumerate, all nouns are uncountable...
-----------------------------------------------------------

thanks a bunch, darling...

************************************

Say it with flowers? At
thirty-five pounds a bouquet,
who says talk is cheap?...

************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------
Typhoo(n): storm in a teacup?
-------------------------------------

*******************************************

teachers who reach the top should
quit while they're a head...

*******************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 9)

*******************************************************************

Those pet psychics' two dogs Oenghus & Delilah
may well talk sense. It's their owners who are barking.
At least, that's what MY dog thinks (Mail)...(Sadly
reduced to 'Those pet psychics (Mail) are barking')...
bast*rds!...

*******************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 7)

Expensive funerals. What a RIP-off...

***************************************

funerals are so
dear these days - more of a RIP
-off than a send-off...

***************************************



(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------
An Adonis may call his home a bachelor pad -
to his many girlfriends it's a 'handsome man'sion...
--------------------------------------------------------------

a Mail on Sunday double...

************************************************************

Donald Trump says he'd love to rejoin the
Paris Accord. When might that be exactly?
When the climate's right? Could be a long wait...

************************************************************

In You Magazine last week, writer Samantha
Brick (right) said she's had a 30-year peroxide
habit, costing £65,000. If she's ever asked to
describe her hair colour, I suggest she replies
"vanity fair"...

************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter & Vincent Hefter (aka C.Schaffer), Mail on Sunday, February 4)

********************************************************************

Trump "cheats like hell" at golf, says pro (Mail).
But he certainly has no need to cheat in his day job -
he's a natural: well below par, week after week.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
(Edited (sterilised) down to "Trump may cheat at golf
(Mail), but he's below par in his day job.") - B*stards!...

********************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 2)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are gender-neutral university toilets best described as 'uni-sex'?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------