A sauce of protein...

*******************************

What goes best with a

delicious plate of tasty

snails? "Garden pesto?"...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Arcuri-osity killed the cat. But Boris seems to have 

survived. Till now, at least...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I suggest Boris stands behind a 'HANNIBAL LECTERN'

inscription at future press conferences if he really wants

to scare us into submission...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Having heard the cops are closing in on them, those

international Lego thieves must be bricking it - in every

available colour!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

MAXWELL HOUSE - B&B?...or S&M?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

LOréal have got a lot to answer for: "why in God's

name did you call your actress daughter 'Tuppence'?"

I asked Mr & Mrs Middleton. "Because she's worth it,"

they replied. "Not a penny more, not a penny less,"

they added, rather cruelly...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Water? Eau no!...

*******************************

Is Farage drinking

H2O? - that's not the man

we've got Got2Know!...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

A man with designs on his body - and women!...

What is it with comedian Pete Davidson? No sooner

is a woman linked to him, than she's inked to him, 

too. Tattoo madness!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

'Smart' doorbells have their knockers, it seems. 

Perhaps the homeowners would be better off if 

their doors did, too...

--------------------------------------------------------------

No need to get dolled up, luv...

**************************************

A BARBIECUE? Is

that what Ken like to throw on

his girlfriend's birthday?...

**************************************

(17 Rather Sillybles)

----------------------------------------------------------------

"We had sex on the sofa," says Jennifer. And there 

you have it: Boris may or may not be bi-curious, 

but this is proof yet again that he was most certainly 

Arcuri-ous...

----------------------------------------------------------------

During lockdown, I found myself running up local

hills to keep fit. Silly me, I badly twisted an ankle.

I should have taken a leaf out of Tom Daley's book 

and stuck to running up Gucci-style mini dresses!

Maybe I wouldn't be feeling quite so, er, crochety.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Haughty culture...

----------------------

Seems #MeToo is turning many an English rose into 

a shrinking violet these days. And as for making any 

sort of a joke about 'deflowering' them, heaven 

forbid! Probably can't even call myself a pansy these

days. Makes you feel like a right Titchmarsh...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Having a ball!...

******************************

I'm having a bawl!

It's my party, so I'll cry

if I want to, right?...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

The idea of Sir Ian McKellan, 81, playing Hamlet 

at Windsor is no more crazy than yours truly, 73, 

playing Roger Federer at Wimbledon. Make of 

that what you will...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, March 28)

------------------------------------------------------------

Yippee! Pubs and barbers are re-opening soon! 

I'm with Boris: who doesn't want to see a pint 

and a PM both with a good head on 'em again!

------------------------------------------------------------

77% of us use 'smell test' on food, apparently. Me,

I can always tell if food's gone bad by the smell it

makes as it comes out of the microwave. I call it 

the ping pong...

--------------------------------------------------------------

You know who claims that the AstraZeneca vaccine

causes blood clots? Bloody clots, that's who! Just

sayin'...

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

The black sheep of the family & the piano bar...

************************************************

Can a bar bar black

sheep who can't prove that they've had

a negative test?...

************************************************

('The Piano Bar': 17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Now the Suez is blocked, it looks like a heck of a lot 

of cargo won't be getting its canal route treatment 

for a while. Painful!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Some aunts are funny - other aunties aunt...

*******************************************

"Your aunt's a knit wit!" -

"Don't you mean 'nitwit'? - "No, she

has me in stitches!"...

*******************************************

(17 Somewhat Sillybles)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Johnny Depp's appeal bid is rejected (news item). Proof,

yet again, that beauty is only skin-deep - and Amber Heard,

when it came to Johnny, was sadly out of her Deppth...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Plenty of vitamin B12 & selenium, too...

*****************************************

If you ever have

to eat your words, talk tripe. The

zinc'll do you good...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Making jokes about Tom Daley's ability with a

needle is strictly for knit wits. "Count me in!"...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Seems the only staff that lasts any length of time

in Harry & Heghan's household is the staff of life.

And even that gets fired as soon as one of them 

goes on a diet...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Sunseekers: "seek and you shall (be) fined," says

Boris. Bugger, there goes my summer holiday...

-------------------------------------------------------------

The Birdie Song (by The Tweets)

*******************************************

"Can you carry a 

tune?" - "Yes" - "Then can you carry

this one to the tip?"...

*******************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Not only do Harry & Meghan not give a fig about

pitching their tent so firmly on the moral high

ground, I'm pretty sure it's one of those 100%

organic, sun-dried, ever so expensive ones that

they're not giving...

----------------------------------------------------------------

'BetterUp' gets new member of staff...

-----------------------------------------------

Looks like multi-millionaire 'Chief Impact Officer'

Harry is soon going to be even BetterOff...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Who doesn't like to go to town at the seaside?

Seagulls, apparently. They prefer to, er, go to town.

Richer pickings, seemingly...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Reduces methane, apparently...

**************************************

Feeding cows seaweed

makes about as much sense as

feeding milkfish grass!...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Neither of my last two dogs cost me an arm and  

a leg - no, they cost me TWO arms and SIX legs! 

A pony and a monkey - £25 and £500!...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Man walks into a Bar. It used to be a Milky Bar,

but it's gone vegan...

--------------------------------------------------------------

KitKat may be going vegan, but it hasn't prevented

Nestlé from milking the publicity...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Haute cuisine - or haute couture?...

******************************

What goes best with a

Prada jacket potato? -

"A well-dressed salad?"...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------

Stumbling 3 times boarding Air Force One? I 

used to think of Joe Biden as a pretty nimble 

sort of guy. Sadly, I now think of him as more 

of an ageing 'Fred Astaircase'...

-------------------------------------------------------

Yippee! Marston's are opening 700 of their 

pubs on April 12th. A 'Glorious 12th' to mark 

the END of grousing!...

-------------------------------------------------------

"Meghan's toast," says Jeremy Clarkson. As

opposed to Harry, who's more well-bread?...

(Bet he wouldn't mind putting his middle-age

spread on her)

-------------------------------------------------------

No idea, better ask his nibs...

**********************************

How come a State named

after William Penn is called

Pencilvania?...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------

If you shout "bother!" you're just a little cross - but if

you shout "Jesus!" it becomes a crucifix, apparently...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Some people think the AstraZeneca vaccine causes

blood clots. Bloody clots, the lot of 'em...

------------------------------------------------------------------

And the Granny Award goes to...

----------------------------------------

Gran grilled by the cops denies enjoying a cuppa with

her neighbours. "There wasn't any sugar, so I didn't

ENJOY it at all!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

**********************************************

"An ant's bitten my 

leg!" - "Which one?" - "How do I know, 

they all look the same!"...

**********************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------

No 10 decor scandal: looks like the writing's 

on the wall for Boris & Carrie. "Do they at 

least get to decide WHICH wall?"...

--------------------------------------------------------

Food for thought...

-----------------------

Cops grill gran, get roasted by granddaughter.

Talk about poetic justice! (An (open and shut)

case of 'do as you would be done by'?)

--------------------------------------------------------

No 10 decor scandal: looks like the writing's

on the wall for Boris & Carrie - and it's a good

deal cheaper than the wallpaper they were 

after! (Maybe they can just paint over it?)

--------------------------------------------------------

'Hampton Wick' - it's slang for 'd***'...

**************************************

Now they've renamed 'Black

Boy Lane', what'll be next for 

the chop? 'Hampton Caught'?...

**************************************

(Putting the 'cock' into 'cockney': 17 Rather Sillybles)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Declaring vaccine war on Britain? Who does Ursula

think she is? European Commission President or

Vonder Woman?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Which questions exactly will A-Level students be able

to see in advance? All of them? Or just the Eye-Level 

ones?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Compare the number of NEEDLESS DEATHS from

Covid to the number of NEEDLES DEATHS from the 

jab - no comparison! Jabs are safe! Roll up your 

sleeves and take advantage of your right to bare arms!

(Well the left one, anyway)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing more to be said...

**********************

The film 'Dolittle'

was shot in 2018.

Sadly, it survived.

**********************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------

Never mind the Taylor Swifts and Beyonces 

of this world, let's hear it for Vera Lynn! Is 

there anyone more deserving of a posthumous 

Granny Award?...

--------------------------------------------------------

Lockdown: how frustrating must it be to be 

called to the bar only to find it's still closed...

--------------------------------------------------------

Fresh off the press (2)

************************************

Duke of Edinburgh

returning home gives Her Maj

much-needed Philip...

************************************

('A much-needed fillip': 17 Rather Sillybles)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Is 'Uber drivers being guaranteed the minimum wage'

what you might call a fare trade agreement?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The child prodigy...

*******************************

I started acting

at eleven. But I'd stopped

by about half past...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

I read an article today about record low savings

rates with almost no interest at all. Seemed an 

appropriate way to read it...

--------------------------------------------------------------

When will crime go metric? (A Londoner's lament). 

If I were to half-inch something today, it seems I'd 

still get arrested by the Yard...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Prue Leith says she loves cake. Me, I prefer tarts.

That's probably because, when they come to the

end of their shelf life, cakes go hard, biscuits go

soft...and tarts? Well, they go with anybody...

--------------------------------------------------------------

I read an article today about record low savings

rates with a great deal of interest. I think I would

rather have read about record high savings rates

with very little interest!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Rumpy pumpy, pass the scrumpy...

******************************

Cores and effect: could

a risqué apple joke have

saucy ciderfects?...

******************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Like Hanna Woodside, I always turn to my plants

for advice. Except when it comes to getting my

roots done - they say theirs haven't been touched 

for years. Not sure I could cope with that...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Given Harry & Meghan's seeming love of publicity,

I'm surprised how few pageboys they had at their

wedding. I was expecting page after page after page

after page after page after page after page boys...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where do I stand on e-scooters? On the flat bit, where else?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Exit, stage left...

*************************************

Seems The Mash Report

has had its chips. Too much of

a hot potato?...

*************************************

('Cancelled by the Beeb': 17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------

I'm not sure Harry & Meghan realise just how

stressful it is living in the full glare of total

anonymity. Yours, etc. Anon.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Harry & William: not so much 'Brothers in Arms', 

more like brothers in Dire Straits right now...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Any truth in the rumour Piers Morgan told a 

certain media regulator to 'f*** Ofcom'?...

-----------------------------------------------------------

My wife wears hers religiously...

**************************************

What's the only jab

that protects the head against

Covid? "The hi-jab"...

**************************************

(17 Sillybles)

-------------------------------------------------------------

If One Direction were good, could Two Directions

be better? 'East & West' should bring out a single -

though I'm not sure if Fleur & Kanye would be up 

for it...

-------------------------------------------------------------

If it's racist to say 'niggling', then forgive me for giggling...

-------------------------------------------------------------

'Black out' the word 'niggle'? How ironic is that?

-------------------------------------------------------------

END OF THE PIERS SHOW - Good Morning Britain.

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 16)

-------------------------------------------------------------

I'm a dab hand when it comes to edible flatfish...

**********************************

Dabs are edible?

Then how many fish fingers

does a dab hand have?...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

If a concert's billed as acoustic, can you ask for your 

money back if the atmosphere turns out to be electric?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope the oil the Queen has chosen to pour on Harry

& Meghan's troubled waters was obtained from hemp 

seeds. Anything less, and I doubt Meghan would be

interested...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

****************************

Thank God we left the

EU. I hear it's freezing

over there right now...

****************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe a certain ex-GMB presenter should now

change his name to Disappears Morgan?...

------------------------------------------------------------

The Buck House statement: how better to whack

Harry & Meghan over the head than gracefully 

with an olive branch?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 15)

------------------------------------------------------------

That rift between Charles & Harry seems to be 

growing - a case of 'from father & son' to 'farther

and farther...and farther and son'?

------------------------------------------------------------

*****************************************

"Never darken our 

door again!" screamed mum. So I

repainted it white...

*****************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

"I promise to tell my truth, my whole truth, 

and nothing but my truth." Is that a thing now? 

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 11) 

(Meghan's Oprah interview)

---------------------------------------------------------

"Kate made me cry!" "No one taught me the

National Anthem!"... 

(Sounds like a remake of Twin Piques!)

--------------------------------------------------------

A MailOnline spokesman says he's standing by 

Piers Morgan 120%. Only 120%? Anything less 

than 152% is a slap in the face, surely?...

--------------------------------------------------------

a night out for a tenor...

*************************************

I don't sing or drink

much. The first couple of bars

are more than enough...

*************************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------

"Is there an 'e' in 'holy matrimoney', mummy?" - 

"Only if you marry your sugar daddy, darling"...

---------------------------------------------------------

Healthy eating...

---------------------

Our local chippie's started doing a pensioner's 

cod 'n' chips for £5.00. "Yippee, that's my fiver

day sorted!"...

---------------------------------------------------------

Beware the garden path...

*******************************

It's far better to

be taken for a walk than

taken for a ride...

*******************************

(17 Syllables, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 2)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Jeremy Paxman admits to shooting squirrels with 

an air rifle? If he's got an air rifle, couldn't he content 

himself with merely shooting the breeze?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Tesco are going to sell muddy potatoes again. Dirt 

cheap, presumably?...

------------------------------------------------------------------

LAMBPOON - poke fun at small woolly quadrupeds...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 30)

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why the L not?" came the reply...

********************************

"Do you, Harry, take

Meghan Markle to be your

awful wedded wife?"...

********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Good to know Michelle Keegan never forgets her

roots (You magazine). Gets them done about every

four months, apparently...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Dr Amir Khan vaccinated 100 people over a 48-

hour shift last week apparently - every one of them 

white. 

Could that be because the others were all yellow?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

So Jo Wood's looking for love and doesn't want to 

end up being a hermit? Same here. Maybe we 

should link up and become 'his and her'mits together.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Conservative Political Action Conference...

***************************************

Love him or *loathe him,

Donald J Trump sure knows how

to CPAC a punch!...

***************************************

(*and I do)

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------

CUL-DE-SACK - fired from a dead-end job...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 2)

------------------------------------------------------------

Juice and peas don't count towards your 5-a-day,

apparently. Which is a shame - my wife has juice 

and pees pretty much all the time...

------------------------------------------------------------

If it turns out that Boris and Carrie have to go

into the red to redecorate No 10, I wonder what

shade of red they'll settle on?...

------------------------------------------------------------

A Night at the Oprah & Meghan's cross beau:

are William and Harry getting on? William Tell?

I doubt it, but it looks like Harry might...

------------------------------------------------------------

underneath this sod lies another...

***********************************

What would you call a 

battle between two grumpy 

old sods? A turf war.?..

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Who the hell needs a home gym? Not me. All I want 

to exercise at home is my right to do bugger all!..

---------------------------------------------------------------