It's a rum do, all right...

***********************************

It's not just me who

gets stiffer with age, so do

my drinks. Can't think why...

***********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 21: 17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyone with half a brain would jump at the chance of being

an MP. I doubt anyone with a complete brain would...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not just clothes manufacturers who claim their material is 

far better than it actually is. Many a comedian does, too...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the papers today, Kirstie Allsopp claims to have mistaken an

Apple AirPod for a vitamin tablet. I find that hard to swallow...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

We're not talking potboilers here...

*********************************************

Never ask your sous-

chef to cook the books. Some things

are best done yourself...

*********************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Have you read this TV chef's latest potboiler?" - "Yes.

Read it last week" - "How long did it take you?" - "Three

hours on gas mark 7"...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm pretty sure that if Prince Charles were a farmer, he'd

make sure his soil was very, very rich. And Arab'le, of

course. Qatari, probably...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

THE EMMANCIPATION OF RADUCANU - there'll be

no stopping her now!...

(6-4,6-4! Even Brexiteers were in a state of EUphoria!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Qataris' €1million cash donation...

*********************************************

Wow, so much cash! Prince

Charles just loves to milk sheiks! Me,

I prefer smoothies...

*********************************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------

Some people like making love to music.

Not me. I prefer making love to women...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The Macron / Johnson 'bromance': Frenchship, by any 

other name? Or merely a case of keeping your friends 

close and your en'amis' closer?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Seems the McCartney magic never Pauls... #Glasto

------------------------------------------------------------------------

BBC Radio 5 Live sports extra: 'Boult beetroot a couple

of times in the last over,' announced the commentator. No

wonder cricket confuses my wife...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson: "I will still be PM in 2030".

I wish he'd said 20:30PM... #GoneByNine

--------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson: the Empire State Building of politics...

------------------------------------------------

A towering, but far from decent man...

------------------------------------------------

1st Flaw

2nd Flaw

3rd Flaw

4th Flaw

5th Flaw

6th Flaw

7th Flaw

8th Flaw

9th Flaw

10th Flaw

11th Flaw

12th Flaw

- so many flaws...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Three divorces, Boris? A bit much, I'd say. First, from

Allegra...then from Marina...and now from reality.

Will you never learn?...

----------------------------------------------------------------

BIRD OF PRAY - a cockney nun...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 16)

-----------------------------------------------

"You're talking out of Uranus, Sun"...

*******************************

Men are from Mars,

Women from Venus,

Ghosts are from Saturn, 

But no one has seen us...

*******************************

------------------------------------------------

"Politics is very divisive" - "no, it's not" -

"yes, it is"..."no, it's not"..."yes, it is"...

"no, it's not"..."see what I mean?...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bloody hell! Where does Paul McCartney get all his energy from?

Must be all that carbo-loading. "More Maccaroni, anyone?"...

#Glastonbury2022

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Qatari suitcase stuffed with €1 million? Who can blame Prince 

Charles for wanting to milk sheiks for all they're worth? Me, I

prefer smoothies...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris: "I will still be PM in 2030". No chance you could make

that 20:30, Boris? Any day next week would be fine, but NO

LONGER, OK?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

We all knew our future king would come with a lot of baggage.

We didn't know there'd be quite so much Qatari cash stuffed in

some of it...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

RMT union boss Mick Lynch & his members...

****************************

LYNCH MOB: a band of

unionists intent on

disrupting us all...

****************************

The new definition...

(17 Syllables)

*************************************

"Nothing beats making 

love to music" - "What? Making 

love to WOMEN might!"...

************************************* 

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing beats making love to...music,' said the saxophonist.

Nothing beats making love to...keep fit,' said the gymnast.

Nothing beats making love to...pass the time,' said the footballer.

Me? I'll stick with 'nothing beats making love to...women'.

#EachToTheirOwn

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tiverton and Honiton and Wakefield: not so much by-elections

as by-by Boris elections?... #AManCanHope

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

High-speed trains: going nowhere - fast!...

**************************************

What should we call a

train station during the strikes?

"A train stationary?"...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Jabeur/Williams 6-2, 6-4 Aoyama/Chan. Serena's back!

(It obviously doesn't ache as much as MY back!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Who knew Ed Sheeran was a railway worker? He's been laying

down tracks all week, apparently - despite the strike...#Scab

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The PGA are LIVid! Can't think why... #SaudiRebels

---------------------------------------------------------------

One item only...

************************************

Bugger! I'm so damned 

fat, even the changing room's

two sizes too small...

************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Do King Edward baked potatoes come in designer jackets?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

It's hard having a long-term relationship with a snowflake.

As soon as you get close, they melt into your arms...

#ManSeeksWoman #NoSnowflakes

---------------------------------------------------------------------

-

Golf: a Brit wins the US Open!...

************************************

Matt Fitzpatrick! What

a bunker shot! You can't beat

a great matt finish!...

************************************

(The 18th hole: 17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now the strike's on, what are the chances of making it to Hay

while the sun shines?... (Hay-on-Wye, but not-on-Tyme)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A 4-inch heel can turn any woman into a goddess (Mail). Mind 

you, a 6ft heel who never breaks sweat might have just the 

opposite effect. No names, no pack drill... #PrinceAndrew

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reality 'stars'...

***********************************

What are these so-called

'celebrities' famous for?

"Twenty minutes, at most"...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do budget airlines no longer charge us peanuts to 

fly anywhere? Do they fear we might be allergic to them?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

As far as Mick Lynch is concerned, it's not so much a case 

of 'striking while the iron's hot', more a case of striking while 

the weather's hot...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

An aroma not built in a day...

*********************************

My ambition is

to be stinking rich, and I'm

halfway there - I stink...

*********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

How sad that, for many, 'William and Harry' have become 'our

future king William' and 'that ***king Harry'...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trump once proclaimed himself a stable genius. Not sure Joe Biden 

would ever claim to be a genius - and now, having fallen off  his bike 

in full view of the press, probably not that stable, either...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Terminal 2's baggage-system malfunction: What's the difference between

my spacious lounge and Heathrow's Terminal 2? One has bags of room, the

other's a room of bags (judging by the photos!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Diana Ross's voice: forget the high Cs, at 78 she's now 

more of a deep C diva...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who says it's caffeine, not the sweetener, that gets people hooked?

Wanting planning consent? Try slipping your local planning officer 

some caffeine instead of a sweetener and see where it gets you!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Union bosses - don't you just love 'em?...

**********************************

Strike while the iron

is hot! (And  maybe just go-

slow when it isn't?)

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

England 498-4 v Netherlands: England would never have

reached such a total in their ODI match against the 

Netherlands without Jason Roy. They'd only have managed 

497. As a Jason Roy fan, I think it needs to be said...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

'As temperatures reached 30C at Ascot, massive fans were

spotted in the paddock,' according to the BBC website.

Rude.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Don Juan (as in I don juan to go out with you)

*******************************

Me? The only thing 

I've ever pulled in a night 

club's a toilet chain...

*******************************

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

It's often been said that Kevin Spacey's got a way 

with words. Seems to me he's got away with a few 

other things, too. Till now...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Even better than having a prize named after you!...

*******************************

INTERNATIONAL

TENNIS FEDERERATION -

wow, quite an honour!...

*******************************

(The ITF: 17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Talk about being unlucky in love. I had a date and walnut cake

lat night. It didn't go well, and the date walked out on me. But

at least I was able to finish her walnut cake...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************

One of my sisters is a hooker, and the other's

a little forward.

Me? I prefer to be on the wing.

*********************************************************

If London, Paris, Berlin and Madrid are cities,

what are LONDON, PARIS, BERLIN and MADRID?

CAPITAL cities!

*********************************************************

When investing, your capital is at risk.

When investing in WAR, your capital CITY is at risk.

**************************************************************

Memo to aspiring politicians: learn to walk before you run...

for office.

************************************************************

I'll love you forever - or maybe till next Tuesday...

**********************************

Marriage these days? It's

for better or for worse, but

not often for good...

**********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 5: 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

DELIVEROO 7 - "the name's Bond. James Bond. I've

brought your pizza". Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 14.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

(Un)lucky dip...

***********************************

I don't know what the

top sportspeople see in ice

baths. They leave me cold...

***********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 16: 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Prince Andrew: the man who puts the 'Ponce' into

their motto 'Honi Soit Qui Mal Y Ponce'. No wonder

the Grenadier Guards want f*ck all to do with him...

----------------------------------------------------------------

***************************************    

    "In a while, crocodile,"

             

              SHE SAID.

Moments later, an allig ate 'er.

             

             SHE DEAD.

***************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Information Commissioner's Office has just recommended

getting rid of all French letters and French words. Couldn't agree more!

(But, ahem, I've nothing against French LETTERS. They can stay)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Should Whitehall mandarins be allowed to identify

as tangerines? #ItsAMadMadMadMadWorld

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Test cricket: Apple crumble, Rhubarb crumble, England crumble...

not another batting collapse?... #ProveMeWrong

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Book reviewer Craig BROWN is retiring. A classic case of nominative

determinism gone wrong. He should have been christened Craig RED.

For that's what he did. He red...and red...and red. Over 1,000 books 

in all. May the next chapter of his life be a long and happy one...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope anyone hoping 'to get off with' ex-footballer Michael Owen's

daughter Gemma realises 'a match made in heaven' lasts more than

90 minutes...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, at St George's Hospital...

*********************************

"You need some stitches,"

said the doctor.  I refused.

"Suture self," he sighed...

*********************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July13: 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Emma Thompson baring all at 63? Hats bras off to her!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

EWETUBE - where to catch up on the Yorkshire Shepherdess?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

When it comes to their many and various private jet trips, do

Meghan and Harry always get on with each other?... 

No, Harry usually gets on first...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not a rampant rabbit in sight...

***********************************

They've just opened a

heavy petting zoo round our 

way. Adults only!...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

"What the hell are you playing aat?"...

**************************************

Advocaat comes in

a bottle. (Me, too, once. Made

a hell of a mess)

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Union boss Mick Lynch's Facebook profile picture is that 

of a Thunderbirds villain, apparently. Not so much a case 

of 'Thunderbirds Are Go', more a case of 'Thunderbirds Are 

Go-Slow', I reckon...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just like Prince Louis, our family were on a sugar high watching

the Jubilee Pageant. Far too long on our three-piece sweet!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"They're dangerous motherf***ers to get involved with,"

Phil Mickelson once said of Saudi Arabia. Seems quite a

few pros have decided to LIV dangerously... #LIVgolf

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 ******************************************************

BREAD.........................................£1.75

SPELT BREAD.................................£2.15

MISPELT BRED................................£1.05

*******************************************************

-----------------------------------------------------

"Someone's stolen my telescope, dad"

"Are the police looking into it, son?"

"No, but I think the thieves probably are"...

---------------------------------------------------------

Anything past its sell-by date is normally taken

off the shelf. So how come I'm still on it?...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, I've drawn a line under my revolt against Boris's leadership, 

just as he's asked. But only in pencil. It can soon be erased.

Respect has to be earned, and he ain't earned it yet...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P-P-Pick up a...

****************************************************

"You're Cheddar Gorgeous, luv," I said.

Didn't work.

Turns out she hates cheesy chat-up lines...

****************************************************

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello? Anyone there? No, hearing voices in your head doesn't

necessarily mean you're crazy. Hearing voices in your FEET does.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MISPRINCE - Hary, Wiliam, Gorge, Sharlotte, Louie...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Jubilee...

*******************************

As the voyeur said:

"it's great to see a nation

coming together"...

*******************************

It really is the best way to come...

(Sorry. Over-excited, your Maj: 17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Johnson: how fine the line between political asset

and political ass. #AlwaysOnTheCards

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Skipping's good for your health. Skipping breakfast isn't.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Faulty genes...

*****************************

I can't help havnig 

dyslexia, arsehloe - it's

in my N.D.A.!...

*****************************

(17 Syllables)

I've been well sick, me...

***********************************

How sick have I been?

As sick as a parott [sic] -

THAT'S how sick I've been!...

***********************************

(17 Syllables)

"Call me!" (Fish fingers - they have their uses)

 ***************************************

A fish called Wanda:

"Is that you, Wanda?" (Who knew

that fish could use phones?)

****************************************

(17 Syllables)

Happiness is...

************************************

Who wants to settle

for seventh heaven when you

could be on cloud nine?...

************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 27: 17 Syllables)

Mind the Gap, Hiawatha!...

===============

Hiya! is to Higher

as Lowa! is to Watha

==================