An Edgar Rice Burrows* joke...

**********************************

I collect badgers.
It won't be long now till I've
got the complete sett...

**********************************



(17 Very Sillybles)
-----------------------------------------------------------
*he may have written Tarzan of the Apes, but he
felt more at home with badgers. Wonder why?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Can't make up my mind about Trump - moronic
sociopath, or sociopathic moron? Tough one...
-----------------------------------------------------------

******************************************************************

This self-isolation lark's going to be the death of me -
got through another complete box set last night! Box
of red, box of white and, bloody hell, that rather
fruity box of rosé. Cheers!...

******************************************************************
---------------------------------------------------------------
What's Kylie like in the bedroom (Mail)? If she's like
me, she can't sleep. So she's probably got flock
wallpaper so she can count the sheep...
---------------------------------------------------------------

One star (Tripadvisor)

******************************************

*ucking 'em Palace:
'nom de plume' of Prince Andrew's
London 'pied-a-terre'?...

******************************************



('Frenchship' takes on a whole new meaning!)



('The (not-so-) grand old Duke of York': 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Was this the place he had his 10,000 men? Not to
mention the occasional underage girl (allegedly)?
-------------------------------------------------------------
If England's green and pleasant land is terra firma,
is China terracotta? Er, no, not really...
-------------------------------------------------------------

how to avoid a (well-constructed) sentence...

************************************

a man who's got a
way with words has often got
away with murder...

************************************



('verbosity > atrocity?': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Yippee! My support bubble's coming round tomorrow!
We've decided to mark the occasion with a celebratory
meal of bubble and squeak, bubble tea and some bubble
gum! Special times call for special measures, right?...
More bubbly, anyone?
----------------------------------------------------------------------

the reviews are in!...

**************************************************************************

*****Y AWFUL! ----------------- yippee, a five-star review!
****ING TERRIBLE! ---------- great, a four-star review!
***T! ***P! ----------------------- three-star reviews? hmm...
VERY GOOD! -------------------- what? no stars?...

**************************************************************************
----------------------------------------------------------
A frog turning into a Prince is one thing, a
Prince turning into a toad quite another. Things
continue to look Grimm for Andrew...
----------------------------------------------------------

first coat, second coat, fur coat, petticoat - all ruined!...

******************************************

mum's got green fingers -
she can't garden, mind - she's just
a clumsy painter...

******************************************



('Four Coats': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
One thing about self-isolation: never before have
I blown so many kisses and so little money!...
------------------------------------------------------------
'tis better to blow a single kiss to one, than a
thousand pounds on many...
------------------------------------------------------------

quick, open up those public toilets!

😀no time to loos ---> LOOS <------------------------------------------ 45 mins to loos!😰

--------------------------------
My drink of choice these
days? Sani-Tizer. You can't
be too careful, right?...
--------------------------------
all the world's a stage,
and not a bingo hall - so
it can't open yet!...
-------------------------------------------------------------
Such a pity all the world's a stage - and not a
bingo hall. Otherwise it could reopen on July 4!...
-------------------------------------------------------------

who needs terrestrial?...

*************************************

wander lonely as
a cloud and at least you'll get
the chance to watch sky...

*************************************



('Terresonemonth'strial, anyone?': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------
I went on 'New Faces' years ago. I was sh*t. They
almost renamed it 'New Faeces' in my honour...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
There may be no great demand for quickie 'no-fault'
divorces in Grimsby's 'Dog and Duck' pub (Mail), but
there sure as hell is in Scunthorpe's 'Throw The Dog
and Make The Bugger Duck' pub just along the road...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
GOOD MORNING BRITAIN: if Susanna Reid
became a little hoarse, would Piers Morgan have to
take over the reins?... (He's apparently telling
people she's a bit of a nag)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
So hairdressers are going to be asked to cut the small
talk AND your hair? Talk about multi-tasking!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Let the party begin & tonic!...

*******************************************

G <---------- & ----------> T. "Bloody
hell! Even my G&T's
social distancing!"...

*******************************************



damned party pooper!



('Love in the Time of Coronavirus': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------
The NHS: coping with so many patients has 

undoubtedly been a tall order. Which probably
explains explains why they're advertising for so 

many tall order-lies...
--------------------------------------------------------------
Trump holding up a Bible (news item) is as odious
an act as anyone else holding up a bank. (Vain-
glorious lunacy is the very antithesis of everything
the Bible represents)
--------------------------------------------------------------
Coronavirustion Street: they're equally infectious!
--------------------------------------------------------------

do you, by George?...

*************************

I a door handle.
(As many a classical
music lover does)

*************************



('George Frideric Handel': 17 Rather Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------
G <------------------- & -------------------> T ?
"Divorced mum Jemma Forte, 46, had a
socially distanced G&T in Richmond Park
yesterday" (news item)
---------------------------------------------------
Since Trump's one brain cell seems to be
empty right now, why can't someone lock
him up in it and throw away the key?...
---------------------------------------------------
Not sure Boris Johnson is that keen on
Marcus Rashford. He's never had much
time for strikers - however worthy their
cause, haha...
---------------------------------------------------
If Marcus Rashford ever entered politics,
he'd probably end up at No.10 himself -
after all, it's where he plays for Man
United anway, haha...
---------------------------------------------------

Listen, but don't touch...

***********************************

Should anyone who
Handel's Water Music wash
their hands straight away?...

***********************************



('Beware the dreaded virus': 17 Very Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------------
How lucky is Cindy Crawford to have her very
own beauty spot. Too many of us had to make
do with the dubious delights of Durdle Door
this weekend...
---------------------------------------------------------
Shame he didn't get picked for Man United last
night. He could have had 'Black Lives Mata,
Every Single Juan' emblazoned on his shirt.
Would have generated a headline or two...
---------------------------------------------------------
How ironic that, playing for Man United,
Marcus Rashford should find himself so often
feeding on scraps...
---------------------------------------------------------

locking down with an eiderdown...

******************************************************

Who the hell cares about travel restrictions?
My wife and I go to town every night -
in the comfort of our own home, haha...

******************************************************
(not allowed out, just a loud cry - of joy, hopefully!) 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE JENNERATION GAP - seems pensioners just don't 'get' Kylie.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shall we or should we or will we or what?
Can we or could we or might we or not?...
We get in a dither, whatever the cause is,
Our life now a series of long pregnant pauses...
(this un-locking down, opening-up lark, it's all so confusing!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*********************************************************************

EDGAR ALLAN POET - a man of (one too many) letters...

*********************************************************************
SOCIAL ISOLATION
----------------------
I wandered lonely as a cloud
(For meeting friends was not allowed)
- I'd make the most of solitude
By walking round entirely nude!...
(Such a shame an absent crowd
Should miss this man so well-endowed!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental)
----------------------------------------------------------------------

him <-------- lockdown --------> her

*******************************

if distance is no
object, then who am I to
object to distance?...

*******************************



('The Lure of Far Horizons': 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------
"Every second counts," says Frankie Dettori
of his quest to be top jockey at Ascot. Surely
every first counts more, Frankie? haha...
-------------------------------------------------------

A <---------------------> B

************************

who needs an A-to-
Z if you only ever
go from A to B?...

************************



(17 Somewhat Sillybles)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bugger! Still no more than three people will be allowed
to see the light at the end of the coronavirus tunnel at any
one time, apparently - but the PM has promised to review
the situation in a couple of weeks...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hairdressers are now being ordered to cut the chat.
"What? As well as the hair?"...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

sometimes only a cudd'll do...

******************************************

social distancing:
touching gestures aren't the same
as touching people...😔

******************************************



(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
'Shopping' seems to be a pretty addictive drug, judging
by the high street queues. Could be worse - at least
they're 'legal high' street queues, haha...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
HOLD YOUR LICKER - cuddle your affectionate dog...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Will too little schooling lead to lower and lower
IQueues outside Nike and Primark?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

mildly amusing - but you won't be in stitches...

***********************************************

social distancing
from dressmakers makes great sense -
sewers are smelly!...

***********************************************



(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dominic Cummings: should he be fired or fined? -
it's all about that one letter. The letter of the law?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Here's hoping the Saturday Night Fever President
Trump's bound to generate at his Tulsa rally
doesn't turn out to be Covid-19...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

*******************************************************

Enough now about Dominic's shortCummings!

*******************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 27)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Boris & Co.: first-class education, no Commons sense?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

red? - when MY wife's angry, she sees blue!...

*****************************

telling white lies is
always a risky business
for the colour blind...

*****************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Think you're making a tidy sum? A decluttering
guru could make it even tidier for you! (Call me on:...)
----------------------------------------------------------------
What sort of legacy will Lionel Messi leave when he

retires? 'A GREAT LEFT LEG'acy, probably...
---------------------------------------------------------------

Dominic's Shortcummings...

*************************************************************

Mugs flying off the handle are every bit as
dangerous as handles flying off the mug, Dominic.
For that's what you seem to take us for...

*************************************************************
Talk about 'The Lack of Foresight Saga'!... 
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Just goes to show: most stores aren't even open yet, but
someone still managed to shop the PM's top advisor!...
('shopping trip' takes on a whole new meaning!)
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Benjamin Whatsisname...

****************************************************************

What's all this I'm reading on the net an' yahoo? The
Israeli PM is on trial?...(any resemblance to actual
persons, living or dead, is quite deliberate, haha...)

****************************************************************

Boris Johnson & Dominic Cummings...

*********************************************************

'WHAT PLANET ARE THEY ON?' screams
the newspaper headline. Well, all I can say is:
"Boris, you're talking out of Uranus. Again."
Which probably answers the question...

*********************************************************
---------------------------------------------------------
Britain's Got Talent? Really? Then why has so
little of it found its way into Boris's Cabinet?...
---------------------------------------------------------

and they call this 'progress'?...

*****************************************

In the beginning
was the Word. Then along comes
a cretin called Trump...

*****************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Tackling a footballer can cause a lot of damage - NOT
tackling his mental health issues can cause even more...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
MORBID OBESITY - if the pounds don't get you, then
the killer-grams will...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

life in the fast lane...

**************************************

if you're going to drink-
drive, do it in style - mine's an
Aston Martini!...

**************************************



(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------
PM / Jennifer Arcuri: no criminal investigation...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Lucky old Boris - turns out Arcuri-osity didn't kill
the cat. Well, not this time, anyway. He must have
been having kittens. How many lives is that now?...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Millionaire comedian 'furloughs' gardener and
housekeeper. Maybe he did it 'furlaughs'? Steve 
Coogan - rarely more than a few feet away from 
controversy...
---------------------------------------------------------------

the ticking of a grandfather clock...

***********************************

"It's never too late
to fall in love, lad" - "But it's
10:40, grandad"...

***********************************



(17 Profoundly Sillybles)
-------------------------------------------------------
Algae in Antarctica? (news item.) Nothing
another Al guy didn't warn us about way back
in 2006!...(Al Gore's 'An Inconvenient Truth')
--------------------------------------------------------
Covid-19: are stevedores quay workers?...
--------------------------------------------------------
Since TOUCHING PEOPLE, handles, tables,
doors, clothes, TV remotes, taps, cutlery
and, well, just about everything else is
fraught with danger these days, I'm
restricting myself to TOUCHING GESTURES.
Brought tears to at least three people's eyes
last week... (V. H., Mail on Sunday, June 7)
--------------------------------------------------------

one advantage kids have over children...

kid<---------->kid<----------->kid
child<------->child<------->child
---------------------------------------------------------
Just goes to show: social distancing works way
better between kids than between children!...
---------------------------------------------------------
You're welcome.
-----------------------------------------
social distancing
works better between kids than
between children!...
-----------------------------------------
(17 Profoundly Sillybles) 
----------------------------------------------------
TEFLON DON & TEF LONDON: Donald
Trump and his UK partner in crime, Boris?
Way too much in common, if you ask me...
---------------------------------------------------- 

Please God, make him go away...

****************************************************************

'New Jersey's a very dense area,' says Donald Trump.
And he should know - he's a very dense President...

****************************************************************
(Cabinet meeting quote)
----------------------------------------------------------------
UNI CYCLISTS - students who ride to their lectures...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Will I ever own a £450 Kylie watch? I should be so lucky...
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 3)
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Social distancing? No problem...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ellie Goulding admits to having kissed a lot of frogs
before her marriage. How many? Enough to have made
a blue movie? Frog's porn's big these days. I'm sure there's
a market!...(what's that dirty film on the water? haha...)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Who wouldn't want to queue for an Ikea 'flat' pack?
Cheapest way to get a foot on the property ladder. Only
thing is, it doesn't say if it's a one or two-bedroom flat...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Has 'Prime Minister of the United Kingdom' become a
(Plenty of Time Off)ice of State, Boris? Please tell us it
isn't so...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Stay Alert - Control The Virus - Save Lives - arghhh!...

*****************************************

ONE'S company?  TWO'S
a crowd? More than two STILL not
allowed? Pass the gin!...

*****************************************



Another day in paradise self-isolation...



('The Times They are a-Changin': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Yippee! Sport's back! And the first result's already
in: England under-19: 3 - Covid-19: 0 (after extra
time). Home win! Yippee!...
----------------------------------------------------------------
I can't be arsed with this 'one or two metre?' debate.
I'm old school - I stick to yards. Farmyards at the
moment - back yards from next week. That'll be at
least 5 metres, I reckon...
----------------------------------------------------------------

*************************************************************

No wonder we never hear of Prince Harry painting
the town red these days: it must be pretty hard -
not to mention expensive - for Meghan to source
her preferred shade of eco-friendly, toxic-free,
vegan paint...

*************************************************************
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Anyone for coff-coff-coffee?" Damn! I think I've caught it!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doing aerobics holding two tins of fruit? Isn't that the can-can?
(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 18)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"HOE-HOE-HOE!" - Christmas has come early, garden centres
are open again!... (Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 2)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

****************************************************************

"Why the hell have you added a sugar tax
to my bill?" I demanded of the hotel receptionist.
"Because your room was en-sweet, sir," he replied...

****************************************************************
humorous haiku (define 'humorous', right?)
----------------------------------------------------
will I have to pay
a sugar tax if the room
I've booked is en-sweet?...
--------------------------------
(17 Rather Sillybles)
--------------------------------