y-not, indeed?......

******************************

"Where does a soldier

like to be vaccinated?" - 

"Er, in the arm-y?"...

******************************

(17 Very Sillybles)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Trees are like human beings - with intelligence and

feelings," says performance artist Marina Abramovic. 

(Which is why I respect my elders - the ones at the 

end of the garden. They never answer back, either - 

we can learn so much from them!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Relieved to hear that a claim in court that Phil 

Collins went a year without bathing just didn't wash.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Vaccine...

------------

'From factory to you - in a suitcase chilled to -70c'?

The very definition of cold comfort! Very, very cold 

comfort!...yippee!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

left jab, right jab - he doesn't care which arm!...

************************************************

"My grandfather's in

a vial mood" - "How d'you mean?" - "He

can't wait for his jab!"...

************************************************

(17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------

Bill Barr? Is that my Barr Bill in disguise? He's

certainly big enough! (I have a swift half every 

time Trump tells five lies on the trot). Oops, 

there's another! Cheers...

----------------------------------------------------------

PUB GRUBS - the 'I'm A Celebrity' menu...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, 6/6/23)

-----------------------------------------------------

Scotch eggs, Cornish pasties, Welsh rarebit:

not so much 'substantial meals', more a 

package holiday?...

---------------------------------------------------------

Eins, zwei, drei martinis, bitte. (I'm not even

sure if wet pubs serve dry martinis!)...

---------------------------------------------------------

Will the review into the South African lottery's 

winning numbers of 5,6,7,8,9 and 10 find 

everything to be, er, perfectly in order?...

---------------------------------------------------------

What are Highways England going to do about

the 4,000 bridges in 'a poor state'? If they wait

too long, they won't be able to cross that 

bridge when they come to it!...

---------------------------------------------------------

P3 government health warning...

**************************************

When photos are both

eye-popping AND jaw-dropping,

care should be taken...

**************************************

(17 Syllables)

Theatres, cinemas, pubs, clubs: all closed...

              Pre-Covid: 

          ENTERTAINMENT!

        --------------------------

       

               Post-Covid:

     DO NOT ENTERTAINMENT!

          AIN'T LIFE GRAND!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A steak that's had its chips...

-----------------------------------

If a RUMP steak's thick, is a TRUMP steak even thicker?

Yes, but not quite as thick as the man himself...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

If a Scotch egg's a 'substantial meal', then I'll eat my hat!

(It's a pork pie one, so it probably tastes better, anyway)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Christmas is coming! Am I allowed to be beside myself

with Joy yet? Or do all three of us still have to social

distance?...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 16)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"We should all be raindrops," says Prince Harry. Well, the

royal family's sure doing their bit: what a shower!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Charging for bags that don't fit under the seat? Well, at 

least it's up to me now: eliminate MY overheads or help 

EasyJet pay for theirs...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Musical suite tooth?...

🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝

If music be the

food of love, then play me a

few bars of...CHOC'LATE!

🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝🎝

(17 Syllables)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Drinking 5 teas a day can boost brainpower in old 

age, apparently. Really? I'll find out soon enough: 

I've drunk so much of the bloody stuff recently, 

the bags under my eyes have got perforations!...

--------------------------------------------------------

75% of Britons believe 2021 will be better

than this yaer. The other 25% spelled it correctly...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Jeremy Clarkson fails to answer a motorway

question on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'.

Obviously not a Roads Scholar, haha...

---------------------------------------------------------

The 's' in Ghislaine is silent. Her alleged

victims, hopefully, will no longer be...

---------------------------------------------------------

Realising his wife had a weakness for cowboys,

Jamie Oliver acquired about 70 plaid shirts, 

apparently. And now they have five children. 

Result! Well plaid, young man!...

---------------------------------------------------------

**********************************

Why the hell SHOULD he 

who hesitates be lost when 

to...er...is human?...

**********************************

(17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------

SCOTCH EGGNOG - part substantial meal,

part Christmas spirit! It's a rum do, 

all right... (Talk about a liquid lunch!)

---------------------------------------------------

Can't someone take over Debenhams and

call it 'Getting Out Of Debtenhams'?...

---------------------------------------------------

"Won Michigan by a LOT!" screams Trump. 

("I'm losing the p-LOT!" would be nearer 

the mark)...

---------------------------------------------------

"Won Michigan by a LOT!" screams Trump. 

(A job lot or a parking lot? I wish he'd be 

more specific)...

---------------------------------------------------

What will he be called when he becomes 

bankrupt? Donald Tramp? And his rants?

Will they become...er...vagrants?

---------------------------------------------------

A straight red for saying 'handbags'? If the

LGBTQ community had their way, we 

shouldn't even be saying 'straight'!...

---------------------------------------------------

I've already had a couple of cancers, and 

now I've discovered a mole in my garden

I just hope it's benign...

---------------------------------------------------

Joe Biden fractures foot playing with his dog...

**************************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------

That'll teach anyone to mess with Joe - I gather

it's German Shepherd's pie on the menu tonight!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Seeing as he's now having to wear an orthopaedic

support on his foot, this must be the first time 

ever two Presidents have been given the boot 

within a few weeks of each other!...

--------------------------------------------------------------

And as for his dog Major? He's back to Corporal...

--------------------------------------------------------------

**************************************************************

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Unlike Paul Hollywood and Prue Leith, I'm not one

to judge - but why did 'Bake Off Dave' propose to

his girlfriend on TV in November when the bun had 

been out of the oven since October? Timing issues?...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

PEOPLE WHO NEED PPE-OPLE - Streisand

tribute to frontline workers...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, December 1)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Joe Biden is said to be bringing a cat into the

White House. Not the first time "pussy" and 

"President" have been mentioned in the same

sentence...

--------------------------------------------------------------

They should play the Vaccinational Anthem before 

all sporting occasions these days - it would be a 

real shot in the arm...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Two wheels good, four wheels bad - cars can kill!

Why this cyclelogical antipathy towards us bikers?.

--------------------------------------------------------------

If 100million viruses can fit on a pinhead, how 

many can fit on a d***kead? I'm talking about you, 

Trump. And why haven't they yet?...

--------------------------------------------------------------

HALF-ETON MESS - I left the bits of meringue...

--------------------------------------------------------------