<--------------- Tony Blair, 6' 0" --------------->

******************************************

No, Tony Blair wasn't the longest 

serving PM. I know for a fact David 

Cameron was one inch longer...

******************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking at the horrendous smog over Beijing, isn't it

about time world leaders held some, ahem, clear-the-air

talks with COP26 non-attendee Xi Jinping? Couldn't

come quickly enough, by the look of it...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A Czech running the National Lottery? The only time I

want to hear the words 'Czech' and 'National Lottery'

together is when it's a large one made out in my name!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Shaun the Sheep? Or Shorn of any Opposition? Not sure

which of them is more woolly-headed, to be honest: our

ovine friend or Boris Johnson. Though recent events lead 

me to believe it may well be the latter...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Michael Vaughan's dropped by the Beeb - but sadly, this

time, he doesn't go on to make a century...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

You don't have to be a bowler to be hit for six - just ask 

Michael Vaughan...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Shock horror! Britain's facing a fake tan shortage this 

winter. No word of a lie, my wife's really browned off...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Amanda Platell calls Countdown 'mind-numbingly dull'.

There's a 9-letter word for people like Ms Platell, but I 

prefer the 4-letter ones...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom Brown's Schooldays consist of...

*********************************

Maths, English, Latin,

P.E., Geography, Physics...

the rest is History...

*********************************

(17 Sillyble syllabus)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Wallpapergate: it looks like Boris might well be torn

off a strip. Again! Tear off any more, and there won't

be any left!...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The fear of change is called 'metathesiophobia'. It's 

something I've always suffered from - which is why 

I never carry any in my pocket...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

There's a new pill to treat Covid! It's called 

molnupiravir. Really rolls off the tongue - and probably 

onto the floor, which doesn't help much...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A new TV channel for dogs? I'd better show my 

chihuahua where the paws button is!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did the Tories stand well back when they let off Owen

Paterson? (Maybe they're confusing that with 'giving him 

a rocket'?). Bit early for November 5th, I'd have thought...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's in store for us this Christmas, courtesy of John Lewis,

M&S and Boots? Ad after ad after ad infinitum, by the look of it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No matter how green MY bank becomes, I'm pretty sure I'll still

find myself in the same shade of red!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TERROR FIRMA - climate change has never seemed more scary!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Waterford Crystal, shot by a pystal...

*************************************************

The shot...the bullet in...the bullet out

...the bulletin: 'shot glass doing well'.

"Hey, I never said it was a shot glass!"...

*************************************************

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Music-lover Lewis Hamilton has just released an album! I 

only like a couple of tracks, to be honest, Brands Hatch 

and Silverstone. The others are a bit on the slow side...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 5)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

(My favourite London borough: Atten..).  A shame Sir David

Attenborough wasn't beside himself with Joy when seated 

next to a mask-less Boris in Glasgow - because he and Joy 

would almost certainly have been wearing masks. Unlike 

our rather inconsiderate PM...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The thought of November 5th coming up must have confused

the Tories: they weren't sure whether to stand well back and

let Owen Paterson off, or give him a rocket!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My girlfriend thinks I'm the cream of the cream: both single AND thick!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the interests of Ballance, there are two sides to

every story. Give the man a chance...

--------------------------------------------------------------

Court Circular...

**************************************************

KNIGHTSOF THE ROUND TABLE MEETING.

Those attending:...

Sir Cuitous,

Sir Cumference,

Sir Cularize,

Sir Cumnavigate,

Sir Cumvolution,

Sir Cular...

"BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!" came the cry

**************************************************

------------------------------------------------------------------

'Stick to flats for beautiful feet,' advises my paper, No

wonder I've got bunions - I live in a semi!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Poor old Owen Paterson. Better to be suspended from

parliament than from a tree, like his wife, RIP...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

COP26 delegates vow to do NOTHING to conserve energy. 

And, to give them their due, you can't do more than that 

- just think of all the energy that saves!...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

With Emery on board for Newcastle, would survival

be, er, nailed on?...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

THE COP END - where Anfield accommodates climate-

change delegates...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 9)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEFORESTATION - giving the Brazilian rainforest a Brazilian.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ho-ho-hosiery sale...

15 denier tights.............................99p,

30 denier tights.............................99p,

50 denier tights.............................99p,

Climate change denier tights.............£999,

Vaccine denier tights.......................£999.

----------------------------------------

Sorry, but that's the price you

pay for being such utter twats...

----------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you mean, Jerry Hall wouldn't recognize a 

good antique if it hit her in the face? She only went 

and married one! Not only has it kept its value, I'm 

pretty sure it's never hit her in the face, either!...

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 10)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The higher the heel, the better your love life? Sorry, but 

MY lovers seem to prefer flats. Ground-floor flats,

preferably, so they can make a quick getaway...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

RHEA GUNNERS - flightless birds who flew in WW2...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did the pugilists do when they hit the bottle? "Boxed wine"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We're having tiramisu tonight. If it really is Viagra 

in a pudding, let's hope I get my just desserts!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

New Zealand has awarded its bird of the year title to a bat.

Madness! It should have gone to their PM, Jacinda Ardern!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Skid Row: another one bites the dust...

                      ♰

Alive before hitting the bottle,

Dead before hitting the ground...

Gone in a matter of seconds,

A drunk who's no longer around...

                      ♰

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Can you carry a tune?" - "Yes, of course I can" -

"Then do you mind carrying this one to the tip - it's

The Birdy Song, and I can't stand it!"...

------------------------------------------------------------------

My doctor, the philosopher: 'tis better to walk a mile 

than to run a temperature,' he declares. 'Especially at 

your age,' he adds. Rather unnecessarily, I thought...

------------------------------------------------------------------

2-inch heels can give your love life a lift, apparently 

(news item). Sorry, but I prefer to make love in flats.

Ground-floor flats - then you don't need a lift!...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The COP26 summit is there to be climbed - so climate!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'M HAVING A BAWL! - it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Queen was right: if Boris is a hell of a statesman, 

then the country's in a hell of a state!...

------------------------------------------------------------------

What are the odds?...

******************************

When a bookmaker

passes away, does he go

to a bettor place?...

******************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, November 11, 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Christmas dinner in a tin? No way! To recall a famous 

crossword clue, Christmas dinner round ours will always be

a 'no can do'!...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOVE ME 10-10-10-10-DER - Rose Ayling-Ellis tops Strictly 

leaderboard dancing to Presley classic...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Strictly's leaked voting figures are to be believed, are

viewers of the opinion that the hype surrounding Kai 

Widdrington's dance partner is much Odudu about nothing?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

With Ms Thunberg in attendance, the COP26 summit 

tended to be more like a 'meet and Greta' at times...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm with Craig Brown - Joan Collins's 'My Unapologetic 

Diaries' might just as well be called 'My Unapologetic 

Dairies', seeing as all she seems to be doing is milking her 

fame for all it's worth.

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, November 7)

----------------------------------------------------------------------