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The only people with no flaws are perfect strangers...

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(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 10)
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Hooray! Regular exercise can beat disease (news item). I beg to differ. Going
to the local gym and seeing so many bodies to die for just makes me sick...
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Hooray! Regular exercise can beat disease (news item). I presume regularly
exercising one's right to be a slob in the local gym doesn't count?...
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You have to be driven to reach the top as a policeman. But probably not by
the same chauffeurs who drive those who have already got there...
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it's your own fault for being a stupid aerosol...

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when a graffiti
artist gets jailed, the writing's
on the wall, all right...

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(but they'll soon get it off!)








(17 Syllables)
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Wow, Yorkshire folk aren't slow in coming forward! We'd only known
each other for a few minutes before my new neighbour said I could
ask her 'owt. And she wasn't even my type...
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"My girlfriend's so, so pretty, so, so funny, so, so wise, and so, so
caring". "How are are getting on with her, then? "So, so"..
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Background artistes love a crowd scene. 'Extra time', they call it...
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let's hope it doesn't rub the critics up the wrong way...

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My dad's just written
a thriller called 'Static'. It's
a work of friction...

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(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some people will go to any lengths to achieve their dream. Adam Peaty
needed only two to make us all proud...
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Offering the Legion d'Honneur to the editor of the Financial Times?
Isn't that taking frenchship just a little too far?
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Let's hope Daley winning a bronze and a gold contributes to GB winning
a bronze and a gold daily...
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Who'd want to be a footballer's better half? As far as he's concerned, it's
whichever half his team scores in...
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at one with his machine...

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What did the moped
rider do when he suffered
a puncture? He moped...

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(17 Syllables)
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Is Charlie Gilmour, adopted son of Pink Floyd guitarist David, the only man
to take the plunge twice on the same day? Not only getting married, but then
leaping naked into a river with his new Mrs?...
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Mascara and highlighter gel on horses? Lippy and blusher on Gordon Ramsay?
I always suspected Mr Ramsay was a bit of a show pony...
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Was that glitter on Mark Carney's face at the Wilderness Festival? Or did I
detect a little gilt?...
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Wow, Pippa Middleton's conquered the Matterhorn!
Not bad for a social climber...

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(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 7)
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Dentists sure are getting their fair share of bad publicity at the moment. No wonder
mine always looks down in the mouth. The thing is, it's my mouth, and it costs me
a fortune...
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I was very surprised to read in the papers that Jeremy Corbyn is strapped for cash.
Where does this take place? In some handy Westminster S&M dungeon? Are
Labour Party whips involved? Just when you think you know somebody...
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Ian Botham writes about the grouse on his plate having had a better life than the
chicken on mine. Chicken? What chicken? All my wife ever does in the kitchen is
make me duck. "Missed again!". She's got a hell of a temper on her...
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"if it ain't broke, don't fix it," right?...

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"I'll start watching my
figure," says my wife, "when I
see no-one else is"...

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(A watched kettle (must be pretty hot?): 17 Syllables)
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Ofsted chief calls Isle of Wight residents poor, inbred, criminally inclined and
ill-educated. "F**** Of"sted," came their reply. Well, if it didn't, it maybe should
have done...
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Man United v Man City...

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who needs marriage? - a

match made in heaven's between 

two great elevens...

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("My better half? The second half, usually": 17 Syllables)
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Who'd want to be a professional footballer's better half? As far as he's
concerned, it's whichever half his team scores in...
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I turned down the thermostat last night. Told it I was already spoken for...
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